Trial by Silence
Page 19
‘How much I have suffered in this past year! I was also witnessing your suffering. But our struggles are not the same. I was carrying a child in my womb, I was trying to deal with your rejection, and I had also pushed away my parents and my brother. Do you know how hard all of this was? You were getting drunk and lying flat on your back. You went on a pilgrimage. Where could I go? My only options were to drown myself in a pond or lake. No matter how much you pushed me away, I kept trying to reach out to you. You didn’t want to look at my face. You didn’t want to talk to me. You didn’t want to be with me. Where could I go and survive on my own? This world has set its limits on how far a woman can go. How could I cross that line? Where could I go? What could I do?
‘That’s why I have come to this decision. Listen to me. You don’t have to suffer any more. I won’t live any longer. It is better to die than to live like this. The noose you tried to put around your neck will also fit mine, won’t it? I have waited a year for you to talk to me. I even thought it was your love for me that made you so upset with me. But there has to be a limit to anger. If you can be so angry for an entire year, there is little hope it will go away anytime soon. I have tried to think of a way out of this predicament, but nothing seems to work out. You be happy. I have given you a baby boy. Keep him if you like. Or feed him to the birds. I cannot suffer any more. Nor can I watch your suffering. Please don’t torment yourself over me and spoil your health. Make this barnyard a safe haven for yourself again—safe as a mother’s womb.’
Ponna couldn’t tell how long she sat there speaking to him. Then, calmly, she picked out a sari. It was the same sandal-hued one she had worn to the festival. She climbed on to the cot on which Kali was lying, reached up and draped the sari over the central beam on the ceiling, and pulled the other end down. She climbed down from the cot, walked to the other cot and kissed her child. She pressed her face close to the infant’s, and blessed the little one with all her heart, ‘Darling Maachaami, may you live well.’ The baby whimpered and wriggled his tiny body. She gently patted his soft chest, and soon he went back to sleep.
She sighed, looking at the baby, and then walked towards the hanging sari. In that instant, she felt a hand pulling her away. Kali.
Glossary
atthai: a kinship term; used to refer to and address paternal aunts and mothers-in-law
dey: a friendly and familiar way to address men, particular used among young men
kaasu: an old currency unit; one kaasu was one-twelfth of an anna, which was one-sixteenth of a rupee
paatti: grandmother; used to address or refer to any elderly woman
panagam: a cooling sweet drink made with jaggery
THE BEGINNING
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This collection published 2018
Copyright © Perumal Murugan 2018
The moral right of the author has been asserted
Jacket images © Ahlawat Gunjan
ISBN 978-0-143-42833-6
This digital edition published in 2018.
e-ISBN: 978-9-353-05357-4
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