Radical Forgiveness
Page 18
Instructions: The importance of this proclamation cannot be overemphasized. Say it out loud, and let yourself feel it. Let the words resonate within you. Self-judgment is at the root of all our problems, and even when we have removed judgment from others and forgiven them, we continue to judge ourselves. We even judge ourselves for judging ourselves!
18. I now surrender to the Higher Power I think of as the Universe and trust in the knowledge that this situation will continue to unfold perfectly and in accordance with divine guidance and spiritual law. I acknowledge my Oneness and feel myself totally reconnected with my Source. I am restored to my true nature, which is love, and I now restore love to Jeff. I close my eyes in order to feel the love that flows in my life and to feel the joy that comes when the love is felt and expressed.
Instructions: This represents the final step in the forgiveness process. However, it is not your step to take. You affirm that you are willing to experience it and turn the remainder of the process over to your higher power. Ask that the healing be completed by divine grace and that you and X be restored to your true nature, which is love, and reconnected to your Source, which is also love.
This final step offers you the opportunity to drop the words, the thoughts, and the concepts and to actually feel the love. When you reach the bottom line, only love exists. If you can truly tap into that love, you are home free. You need do nothing else.
So, take a few minutes to meditate on this statement and be open to feeling the love. You may have to try this exercise many times before you feel it, but one day, just when you least expect it, the love and the joy will envelop you.
19. A Note of Appreciation and Gratitude to You Jeff. Having done this worksheet, I now see that you did what you did because you loved me enough to push me out of my victimhood and helped me give up my belief that I was unlovable. I am grateful to you and for you being in my life.
I completely forgive you, Jeff, for I now realize that you did nothing wrong and everything is in divine order. I bless you for being willing to play a part in my awakening—thank you—and honor myself for being willing to play a part in your awakening. I acknowledge and accept you just the way you are.
Instructions: You began the Radical Forgiveness worksheet by confronting X. Your energy has probably shifted since you began, even if the shift occurred only a moment or two ago. How do you feel about X now? What would you like to say to X? Allow yourself to write without conscious thought, if possible, and do not judge your words. Let them surprise even you.
Then, as you acknowledge, accept, and love X unconditionally just the way he or she is, you recognize and forgive the projection that made you see X as less than perfect. You can love X without judgment now, because you realize that is the only way a person can be loved. You can love X now, because you realize that how he or she appears in the world represents the only way he or she can be. That is how Spirit has willed him or her to be for you.
20. A Note to Myself:
I love myself for having the sense to follow my guidance and go over to America with John so Colin could awaken me to the truth of what was happening, and I love myself for sticking with it.
I recognize that I am a spiritual being having a spiritual experience in a human body, and I love and support myself in every aspect of my humanness.
Instructions: Remember, all forgiveness starts as a lie. You begin the process without forgiveness in your heart, and you fake it until you make it. So honor yourself for doing it, yet be gentle with yourself and let the forgiveness process take as long as you need it to. Be patient with yourself. Acknowledge yourself for the courage it takes simply to attempt to complete the Radical Forgiveness worksheet, for you truly face your demons in the process. Doing this work takes enormous courage, willingness, and faith.
THE RADICAL FORGIVENESS WORKSHEET
An Instrument for the True Transformation of a Grievance
Date: _____ Worksheet #: _____
Subject: _____
Whomever you are upset with. ( Tip: To fully anchor the transformation, speak everything written here, and what you write, out loud.)
I. TELLING THE STORY
1. The situation around which I have an upset is or was ... (Tell the story totally from your victim standpoint, i.e., old paradigm. Use additional paper if necessary.)
2a. Confronting X: I am upset with you, _____, because...
[space left intentionally blank in the original book]
2b. Because of what you did (are doing), I feel: (Identify your real emotions here.)
[space left intentionally blank in the original book]
II. FEELING THE FEELING
Acknowledging My Own Humanness
3. I lovingly recognize and accept my feelings and judge them no more. I am entitled to my feelings.
I feel: _ Willing _ Open _ Skeptical _ Unwilling
4. I own my feelings. No one can make me feel anything. My feelings are a reflection of how I see the situation.
I feel: _ Willing _ Open _ Skeptical _ Unwilling
5. My discomfort was my signal that I was withholding love from myself and _____ by judging, holding expectations, wanting _____ to change, and seeing _____ as less than perfect.
(List the judgments, expectations, and behaviors that indicate that you were wanting him/her/them to change.)
[space left intentionally blank in the original book]
(Note: Look to see how many of these judgments and expectations you are making about yourself.)
III. COLLAPSING THE STORY
6. I now realize that in order to feel the experience more deeply, my soul has encouraged me to create a bigger story out of the event or situation than it actually seemed to warrant, considering just the facts. This purpose having been served, I can now release the energy surrounding my story by separating the facts from the interpretations I have made up about it. (List the main interpretations and circle the level of emotion and attachment you have around each interpretation now.) (Table 21.1)
Interpretations I Made Up About the Event
Level of Emotion Now
Level of Emotion Now
High Low Medium Zero
High Low Medium Zero
High Low Medium Zero
High Low Medium Zero
High Low Medium Zero
High Low Medium Zero
High Low Medium Zero
Table 21.1
7. Core negative beliefs I either made up from my story or which drove the story. (Check those that apply.)
_ I will never be enough.
_ It is not safe to be me.
_ I am always last or left out.
_ People always abandon me.
_ It is not safe to speak out.
_ I should have been a boy/girl.
_ No matter how hard I try, it’s never enough.
_ Life’s not fair.
_ It is not good to be powerful/successful/rich/outgoing.
_ I am unworthy.
_ I don’t deserve.
_ I must obey or suffer.
_ Others are more important than me.
_ I am alone.
_ No one will love me.
_ I am unlovable.
_ No one is there for me.
_ Other _____.
Now Opening to a Reframe
8. I now realize that my soul encouraged me to form these beliefs in order to magnify my sense of separation so I could feel it more deeply for my spiritual growth. As I now begin to remember the truth of who I am, I give myself permission to let them go, and I now send love and gratitude to myself and _____ for creating this growth experience.
I feel: _ Willing _ Open _ Skeptical _ Unwilling
Noticing a Pattern and Seeing the Perfection in It
9. I recognize that my Spiritual Intelligence has created stories in the past that are similar in circumstance and feeling to this one in order to magnify the emotional experience of separation that my soul wanted. I am seeing this as evidence that, even though I
don’t know why or how, my soul has created this particular situation, too, in order that I learn and grow. (List similar stories and feeling experiences (as in 2b) and note the common elements in them.)
IV. TOWARD THE REFRAME
10. I now realize that I get upset only when someone resonates in me those parts of me I have disowned, denied, repressed, and then projected onto them. I see now the truth in the adage, “If you spot it, you’ve got it!” It’s me in the mirror!
I feel: _ Willing _ Open _ Skeptical _ Unwilling
11. _____ is reflecting what I need to love and accept in myself. Thank you _____ for this gift. I am now willing to take back the projection and own it as a part of my shadow. I love and accept this part of me.
I feel: _ Willing_ Open_ Skeptical_ Unwilling
12. Even though I may not understand it all, I now realize that you and I have both been receiving exactly what we each had subconsciously chosen and were doing a dance with and for each other to bring us to a state of awakened consciousness.
I feel: _ Willing_ Open_ Skeptical_ Unwilling
13. I now realize that nothing you, _____, have done is either right or wrong. I am able now to release the need to blame you or anyone else. I release the need to be right about this, and I am willing to see the perfection in the situation just the way it is.
I feel: _ Willing_ Open_ Skeptical_ Unwilling
14. I am willing to see that, for whatever reason, my mission or “soul contract” included having experiences like this and that you and I may have agreed to do this dance with and for each other in this lifetime. If it is for the highest good for both of us. I now release you and me from that contract.
I feel: _ Willing_ Open_ Skeptical_ Unwilling
15. I release from my consciousness all feelings of (as in 2b):
[space left intentionally blank in the original book]
V. REFRAMING THE STORY
The Reframe Statement
16. The story in number 1 was your Victim Story, based in the old paradigm of reality (victim consciousness). Now attempt a different perception of the same event (a reframe) from your new, empowered position, based on the insights you have experienced as you have proceeded through this worksheet. (It may simply be a general statement indicating that you just know everything is perfect, or a statement that includes things specific to your situation if, that is, you can actually see what the perfection is. Often you cannot. Be careful not to do a reframe that is based in “world of humanity” terms. Note any positive shift in feeling tone.) I now realize...
[space left intentionally blank in the original book]
VI. INTEGRATING THE SHIFT
17. I completely forgive myself, _____, and accept myself as a loving, generous, and creative being. I release all need to hold onto emotions and ideas of lack and limitation connected to the past. I withdraw my energy from the past and release all barriers against the love and abundance that I know I have in this moment. I create my life and I am empowered to be myself again, to unconditionally love and support myself, just the way I am, in all my power and magnificence.
18. I now surrender to the Higher Power I think of as _____ and trust in the knowledge that this situation will continue to unfold perfectly and in accordance with divine guidance and spiritual law. I acknowledge my Oneness and feel myself totally reconnected with my Source. I am restored to my true nature, which is love, and I now restore love to _____. I close my eyes in order to feel the love that flows in my life and to feel the joy that comes when the love is felt and expressed.
19. A Note of Appreciation and Gratitude to You _____. Having done this worksheet, I ... I completely forgive you, _____, for I now realize that you did nothing wrong and everything is in divine order. I bless you for being willing to play a part in my awakening—thank you—and honor myself for being willing to play a part in your awakening. I acknowledge and accept you just the way you are.
20. A Note to Myself:
[space left intentionally blank in the original book]
I recognize that I am a spiritual being having a spiritual experience in a human body, and I love and support myself in every aspect of my humanness.
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Four Steps to Forgiveness
This adaptation of a three-step process taught by Arnold Patent[5] serves as a reminder of our power to attract the events and people we need to feel the emotions we have around a particular issue. The process takes only a few moments, but it is one that literally could save you from getting endlessly caught up in the drama of what is happening and going to Victimland for an extended stay!
When something happens and we get upset, it is extremely easy for us to forget everything we ever knew about Radical Forgiveness. Until these principles become firmly anchored in our minds, whenever our upset creates a lot of emotional turmoil, our tendency is always to default to victim consciousness. The problem is, once there, we tend to hang out there for a very long time. Without a Radical Forgiveness viewpoint, you would will probably stay there for years, which is what most people do, as indicated by the dotted line on the diagram below. But if you know someone who knows Radical Forgiveness and recognizes your symptoms, he or she will have you do a worksheet or listen to the Radical Forgiveness CD so you can return to peace. As you will see on the following diagram, each time something happens we default to becoming a victim and go for an extended stay in Victimland. Then we get reminded of how everything might be perfect, so we use the technology to express our willingness to see the perfection and eventually return to a state of peace.
This can be a rough ride, though, and it depends on your having someone who will rescue you. The way to stop the roller coaster is to use the four-step process before you have to book yourself a room in Victimland! On the diagram, use of the four-step process is represented by the curves that stop just short of the line at which we usually go unconscious. When we find ourselves using this process naturally, as a matter of course, Radical Forgiveness has become our default lifestyle—one that is, for sure, a whole lot easier!
So, as soon as you find yourself getting upset over something, or even if you find yourself making judgments, feeling self-righteous, or wanting to change something about a situation, use this process to bring your consciousness back into alignment with the principles of Radical Forgiveness. (FIGURE 18)
FIGURE 18: The Victimland Roller Coaster
STEP ONE: “LOOK WHAT I CREATED!”
This first step reminds us that we are the creators of our reality. However, we create circumstances for our own healing, so do not assume guilt for what happens. Being quick to judge, we often use this step as a way to beat ourselves up. We say, “Look what I have created. Oh, it’s terrible—I must be a terrible person, a spiritual failure.” Please do not fall into this trap, for if you do, you buy into the illusion.
STEP TWO: “I NOTICE MY JUDGMENTS AND LOVE MYSELF FOR HAVING THEM.”
This step acknowledges that, as humans, we automatically attach a whole string of judgments, interpretations, questions, and beliefs to situations. Our task involves accepting the imperfection of our own humanity and loving ourselves for having these judgments, including the one that says we must be a spiritually moribund person for creating this reality. Our judgments are part of ourselves, so we must love them as we love ourselves. Doing this connects us with what is actually happening in our body and mind and brings us into the present through our feelings. Our energy then shifts quickly and allows us to go to the third and fourth steps of this process.
STEP THREE: “I AM WILLING TO SEE THE PERFECTION IN THE SITUATION.”
The “willingness” step is the essential step in the Radical Forgiveness process. It equates to a prayerful surrendering in the moment to the divine plan and the willingness to love ourselves for not being able to see this plan directly.
STEP FOUR: “I CHOOSE THE POWER OF PEACE.”
This fourth step represents a consequence of all the previous steps. By accepting that divine purpose i
s served in this situation and that what appears to be occurring may be illusory, we choose to feel peace and to use the power of peace in whatever actions are required of us. The power of peace is found when we are fully present in the moment, acting with clarity and focus to do whatever may be required, and being completely aware of our feelings.
Practice this four-step process as often as possible. Make it a part of your awareness. It gives you a way to be in the moment throughout your day.
To help you make this process your practice, it is a good idea to put these four steps on a business-size card for your purse or wallet, or on a 3”x5” card to keep on your refrigerator.
Note: The previous printing of this book featured an epilogue on 9/11 that demonstrated the use of the four-step process in such a situation (see Further Resources).
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Seeing the Christ in Another
If you recognize that a situation occurring between you and someone else represents an opportunity to heal something in yourself, you can create the healing experience by being in that present moment. A way to bring your energy into present time, as opposed to allowing your mind to be in the past or in the future, requires simply looking at the person with whom you are having an issue and seeing the Christ in them.
In this sense, the term “Christ” means the part of them that is divine and one with you and with God. As you do this, you join with them, and in that moment you acknowledge the Christ within yourself. If you have the presence of mind to do this, you will transform the situation immediately.