Between Will and Surrender

by Margaret Duarte

  Another flash of lightning lit up the sky and I noticed smoke coming from one of the tents. “Pete!”

  Morgan charged out of his tent, flashlight in hand. “Damn!”

  “Pete’s tent is smoking,” I screamed.

  Within seconds, Ben and Dr. Mendez joined us, and we rushed to our guide’s aid. Lightning struck again, this time hitting an oak tree nearby.

  Sparks.

  Smoke.

  How often did lightning strike in one place?

  Morgan handed the flashlight to Ben and helped Dr. Mendez pull Pete’s unconscious body out of the scorched and smoking tent. The doctor tipped Pete’s head back and listened at his nose and mouth. “We need to move him onto his side.”

  No sooner had the doctor repositioned Pete’s head and arms for the turn than Pete opened his eyes and howled.

  “Thank God,” Ben said.

  I eyed Ben as if he’d lost his mind.

  “It means he isn’t suffering from cardiac arrest,” Ben qualified. “If the lightning had struck him directly, he’d need CPR to jumpstart his heart. The lightning must have hit a tree nearby and traveled underground through the roots of the tree and underneath his tent.”

  “But he’s in pain.” I said.

  The acrid smell of burnt tent and singed clothing coated the inside of my nose and throat with a sooty layer that made it hard to breathe. I blinked away tears due to the combination of wet, itchy smoke and the heaviness in my heart.

  “By the looks of his clothes,” Ben said, “he may have some superficial thermal burns. It’ll hurt like hell, but he’ll live.”

  “Poor guy,” I said.

  “Actually, he’s quite lucky. By the looks of it, the lightning didn’t go through his heart or any other vital organs. Plus, Tony is an experienced wilderness doctor as well as a psychologist, so he’s trained to handle things like this.”

  “God, I hope you’re right,” I said, not feeling as upbeat about Pete’s condition. “Should I get Joshua out of his tent?”

  “Let him sleep. He’s safe for now.”

  “Are you sure?” I’d read somewhere that the most dangerous period in a lightning storm was at its end.

  “The storm is over,” Ben said.

  I wondered how Veronica and Jake had managed to sleep through all the commotion but let the thought go. Right now, Pete’s welfare took priority.

  “Marjorie,” Morgan said. “Do you have your phone handy?”

  “Yes.” Thank goodness, my battery still had a charge, since I’d decided to turn it on only in case of emergency. “Hope we get reception out here.”

  “Have an ambulance sent to Tassajara Hot Springs. We can have Pete there in less than two hours.”

  I rushed to my tent for the phone and on my return, handed it to Ben. “They’ll need to know exactly where we are.”

  “Right,” he said, tossing me the flashlight.

  “Marjorie,” Morgan called. “Pete wants to talk to you.”

  “Darn,” I said when I got to Pete’s side. “That was close. Are you okay?”

  He took a ragged breath and reached for my hand. “Just listen, okay?”

  At my nod, he continued, “Remember our talk about hearin’ and seein’ things?”

  “You bet, especially after you told me about the poem.”

  “While I was unconscious, I had a vision,” Pete said, squeezing my hand. I leaned in closer, barely able to hear him. “It had to do with you and Joshua and the cave.” His grip on my hand loosened. “The cave is sacred. A good place.”

  Dr. Mendez touched my shoulder. “Pete needs to get those burns taken care of, plus just to be safe, he needs to be checked for internal injuries. I did what I could with what I had on hand, but we need to get moving right away. I will keep him company while you and Joshua gather your stuff.”

  I turned back to my wounded friend and said, “When I first met you, I thought you were stern and boring. I actually called you ‘Perfect Pete.’ Little did I know how apt the nickname would be. You are perfect, Pete, and I mean it with all my heart. I’ll never forget you or this trip.”

  One last squeeze and he released my hand. “Don’t go broadcastin’ it to the entire camp. Next thing you know, the nickname’ll stick for good. Now get. I’ve got an important date and don’t wanna be late.”

  The wilderness no longer appealed to me. I no longer felt safe. Thank God, Pete hadn’t lost his life. I opened the flap of Joshua’s tent, anxious to get out of this area before anyone else got hurt. “Hey kiddo.”

  No response.

  Empty sleeping bag.

  Empty tent.

  My knees barely supported me as I backed into the open.

  Oh my God, oh my God. “Morgan! Joshua’s gone!”

  I was tempted to give in to the weakness that threatened to turn me into a trembling mess, tempted to rely on Morgan’s strength, his counsel, his calm reassurance, but something inside warned that this was not an option. I had to clear my head, make use of the personal strength and ability I had never called on before.

  Morgan peered into the tent and cursed under his breath before calling for Ben to search the camp.

  “Where could he be?” I asked before clenching my teeth to keep them from chattering.

  “Probably with Veronica.”

  “Dear God, I hope so.”

  “Me, too,” Morgan said.

  “It was my idea to bring him on this trip,” I said. “I shouldn’t have let him sleep by himself in a tent, but I thought with so many of us close by and with Gabriel in the tent with him, he’d be okay. If anything happens to him—”

  “Jake and Veronica are missing too,” Ben said, his forehead creased, his body tense, nothing gentle about him.

  I looked at Morgan for reassurance, anything to calm my raging heart, give me hope, but the scowl on his face didn’t reassure me at all. “Let’s go,” he said.

  “Go where?” I asked.

  Morgan looked at me blankly for a second or two, then said, “Go back to Tassajara Hot Springs with Tony and Pete. You’ll be safe there.”

  For a second, I thought I hadn’t heard him correctly. Did he have such lack of faith in my ability to help in a crisis? Okay, so my voice wobbled a bit, and I was fighting the shakes. No surprise. I was scared for Joshua, worried about how he was feeling. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t contribute something of value.

  Take me with you. I pleaded silently. I’m not staying behind.

  Morgan hesitated, and I clung to the brief hope that the light of understanding would flare up in his eyes. Instead, he touched my face with fingers that trembled slightly. “Ben and I will search for Joshua. My bet is that he’s with either Veronica or Jake. Don’t worry, we’ll find him.”

  I glanced at Ben. His eyes narrowed. “Morgan . . .”

  I shook my head. Ben meant well, but this was between Morgan and me. Morgan had to grasp the situation himself, or it meant nothing.

  “Yeah,” Morgan said.

  With his eyes still on me, Ben said, “Never mind.”

  “Then, let’s go.”

  Morgan and Ben saddled their horses and rode off, leaving Dr. Mendez, Pete, and me behind in the deserted camp.

  Conflicting emotions coursed through me. Sadness. Disappointment. Anger. The anger, however, fizzled out quickly, giving way to determination. It was high time I started listening to my own counsel for a change, which meant acting instead of reacting, leading instead of following. Would Morgan just sit back and do nothing if the situation had been reversed? Hell no. And I wouldn’t have respected him if he did. As I wouldn’t respect myself if I hightailed it out of here with Dr. Mendez and Pete instead of taking part in helping Joshua. I was responsible for getting him into this mess, so it was my responsibility to help get him out of it. No matter if my contribution would only be a small one.

  “Do you need my help with Pete?” I asked when I’d rejoined the doctor.
<
br />   “He is tough and able to ride without assistance,” Dr. Mendez said. “You do not intend to go with us, do you?”

  I studied him, allowing my resoluteness to build. His fitness became him, the ponytail, boots, and jeans, his tanned face. “Not if you don’t need me.”

  “You’re not familiar with the terrain. You may get lost.”

  “Then draw me a map.”

  “To where?”

  “Pete told me he had a vision about the cave. I can probably remember how to get there, but a few directions wouldn’t hurt.”

  “I would oblige, but, around here, there are no street signs.”

  “Then I’ll retrace our path.”

  “It will not be easy—”

  “Morgan’s wrong. I am needed, and I can help.”

  Dr. Mendez didn’t respond.

  “What’ll you do when you get to Tassajara Hot Springs?” I asked.

  “Once Pete is situated, I will return with the authorities. Ben has already contacted them about Joshua’s disappearance. They will know what to do.” Dr. Mendez shook his head. “Life can change with such startling abruptness.”

  I thought about Joshua and then cleared my mind. The pain was too intense. “I know.”

  “There are invisible forces at work here,” Dr. Mendez said. “Make use of them.”

  “Have you seen Gabriel?”

  “The cat is the least of your problems right now.”

  “I was just wondering . . .”

  The peach glow of sunrise had transitioned into a startling combination of light and dark blues. Under normal circumstances, I would have paused to appreciate the wondrous shadings of nature, but not now. If I stalled much longer, I’d lose my nerve.

  “What about the tent and stuff?” I asked.

  “Pete has an emergency crew that comes out for situations such as this. All will be cleared up and packed away in no time.”

  “When Pete has recovered enough to start worrying about Blondie,” I said, “tell him I’m paying him double the rate he normally charges for the tour.”

  “He is currently fixated on his missing rifle.”

  “Maybe Ben or Morgan took it.”

  “That is possible. Now, go. There is no security in playing it safe. Listen to the quiet voice within, which is calling you to do more.”

  My ability to saddle a horse, almost habit now, came in handy. It also helped calm my nerves. On with the saddle pad. Lift the saddle, girth, and cinch over the horse’s back. Cinch down. Girth on. Tie front cinch. Snug it up. Tie back cinch loosely.

  “I would go with you,” Dr. Mendez said, “but—”

  “Not necessary,” I said. “Just glad you understand.”

  We said our farewells and I didn’t look back, welcoming the indefatigable energy that fueled me. You’re finally free, I told myself. Free to succeed and free to fail.

  The pendulum paused. For an agonizing moment, guilt and fear rooted me to the spot, but instead of resisting these emotions, I surrendered to them. Fighting would only make them grow stronger. Time to move forward into the uncharted terrain of the next moment. Every ounce of my being, every instinct, told me to head for the cave. The directive was so intense that I had no choice.

  Even in semi-darkness, the way was clear.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  HOW I WISHED FOR MORGAN’S calming presence now. He would have proved a strong ally at my side. For once, we wanted the same thing, and for once, we could have worked together. I didn’t object to his desire to protect me. In fact, I craved that kind of security. However, I wanted my sense of self protected, too. I refused to be a doormat ever again. Cliff had cured me of that. He had wanted an obedient servant, which had left me feeling suppressed, smothered, and used. Were equitable relationships the exception rather than the rule? Was I searching for something that did not exist?

  Where was Morgan anyway? He had been in a hurry, almost as if he’d known something I did not, which suggested there was more to this situation than met the eye. He had told me during our picnic in Garland Ranch Park about something suspicious going on in the Ventana Wilderness and how he didn’t want me anywhere near there. Why hadn’t I paid more attention, asked more questions? Then again, why had it been necessary for me to ask for information that Morgan should have offered freely?

  Why the mystery?

  Okay, so what did I know?

  I knew that Joshua’s parents had died here and that the child had experienced something traumatic enough to rob him of his speech. I also knew that Joshua was afraid of Jake. The poor kid had spilled his breakfast and had become limp and unresponsive when he encountered our reclusive guide at the campfire. Jake hadn’t missed the child’s reaction, yet had proceeded to clean up the mess and slip away. Looking back now, Jake’s actions seemed more than a little odd.

  And what about Veronica? Joshua wasn’t afraid of her. In fact, they seemed to share a special bond, which had fueled a bout of jealousy on my part. If she wasn’t involved in Joshua’s disappearance, where was she? In my heart, I trusted her and believed that Joshua trusted her, too; but I didn’t trust Jake. Oh no, not Jake. From the start, he had signaled bad news.

  So now what? I was unarmed and alone. Well, not completely alone. I had the Voice. Whoever and wherever she was. I had already surrendered to my fear; why not surrender to her as well?

  “Tell me what to do,” I said—half in jest, half with an allowance for hope. And for the first time, she responded, as if I’d finally spoken the magic words.

  Soon you will understand the true purpose of your journey.

  Even though the speaker existed in a realm invisible to me—one that defied all logic—her words brought comfort. With her assurance came hope, a conviction of something not seen.

  Blondie snorted and tossed her head, alerting me to the dangers of my surroundings. I had to be nearing the cave. So where was it? Countless shades of green surrounded me, some dappled with sunlight, some draped in shadow. Water trickled in a hidden stream. Wind whispered through shrubs and trees. Everything looked familiar, smelled familiar, and sounded familiar, but the connection I’d felt to the cave was lost. What had been so clear minutes before and had brought me this far was gone. I struggled to recapture the energy, the determination that had given me strength. I came here to help Joshua, damn it. Pete’s vision—and the Voice—would lead me to him. I had to believe that.

  A hawk screeched overhead, followed immediately by the stench of evil. It closed in on me; it poisoned my lungs; I saw its unholy face.

  “Jake!”

  He bowed and swept his arm into a wide arc as if welcoming me to the gates of hell.

  “Where’s Joshua?”

  The heat of anger pumped up my muscles and pumped down my fear. I needed to rein it in, before I did something stupid.

  “How’d you find us?” Jake asked.

  “Us?” I yelped.

  “Dang, you look like Vonnie,” he said.

  Though Ben had told me Jake was my sister’s friend, I couldn’t visualize Veronica hanging out with him. My smart, savvy sister? Never.

  “Vonnie’s one hot and powerful bitch,” he said, “very controlling. But you . . . Same face, same body, but your eyes tell a different story.”

  So, Jake had turned into Mr. Talkative all of a sudden, now that he had me alone. My mind raced, crashed against a wall. “I asked you a question,” I said.

  “I heard you.”

  “Where’s Veronica?”

  I detected a flicker of life in those dull, indifferent eyes. “She doesn’t like you much. Says you’re on a friggin’ journey.”

  Did Veronica talk about me like that? The thought hurt.

  “Don’t you know?” Jake said, “Everybody’s on a fuckin’ journey. What makes you so different?”

  Where was Joshua? Where was Veronica? They had disappeared at the same time Jake had. Were they his prisoners?

  “You use y
our colored rocks. My customers use white pills. If you want to go on a mental journey, I sell something that’ll transport you first class. You’ll cry tears of joy.”

  When I shook my head, he said, “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. I can help you get real close to the Source.”

  Had I misjudged Veronica? Could my sister be dealing drugs? That would explain her association with this bottom-dwelling loser.

  A gray figure hobbled up from behind Jake, only to be illuminated by the mid-morning sun. It seemed inappropriate somehow—sacrilegious even—for Tommy Boy to be honored in this way. “What’s he doing here?” I said.

  “He’s come for your horse.”

  “Unless you can tell me where Joshua is, I’m not staying.”

  “Get off the fuckin’ horse and I’ll show you,” he said.

  The rhythmic swishing of blood in my ears and debilitating ache in my chest signaled I was terrified half out of my wits; but damn if I’d give up now. Joshua needed me, and apparently, I had succeeded in finding him before anyone else had. Yippee for me. So how was I going to get the two of us out of here without getting killed? I stepped down from the saddle, welcoming the feel of solid ground in my suddenly un-solid world. When Tommy Boy took hold of the reins, I regretted having stored my cell phone in my saddlebag. I might have found an opportunity to press 911, though the reception out here was probably zero.

  Jake led me to a crude shelter almost completely hidden between rocks, bushes, and trees. Enough was visible, though, to surmise that it consisted mainly of scrap wood and tin, bringing to mind shelters used by the homeless, which barely served as protection from the elements.

  As we stepped inside, the foul odor hit me like a slap. Switching so suddenly from inhaling clean air to its complete opposite caused me to stifle a gag. If death had a smell, other than rotting flesh, this was it.

  “Sorry,” Jake said. “We’re all out of air freshener.”

  “You’ll get used to it,” Tommy Boy said from behind me.

  I felt his breath on the back of my neck, which triggered a swelling of goose flesh. I hoped I’d never get used to the smell of hell, or to the filth I was encountering now. Animals kept their dens cleaner than this.