“Is your mama here?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, so clearly and sweetly that it brought tears to my eyes. I prayed that he’d live to chatter like other children his age.
To keep my fear at bay, and to keep from falling apart in front of Joshua, I resumed quizzing my sister. “What do you think Jake and Tommy Boy are up to?”
“They’re probably at a stalemate,” Veronica said. “They don’t dare leave you and Joshua behind. You know too much. But they don’t want to come right out and kill you either.”
I shivered. “They probably hope someone else will do the job for them.”
“Or something else, like the fire did with Theresa and Paul. A perfect solution for two low-level criminals.”
“This might be a good time for you to tell me what’s going on.”
“God, Sis. I couldn’t do anything for Joshua’s parents. They were drugged and unconscious when I ran across them on one of my mind-clearing hikes. I wasn’t strong enough to carry or drag them to safety. Besides, I didn’t have time. A fire had started nearby. I tried calling 911 but couldn’t get reception. Thank God, I managed to untie Joshua. But he didn’t want to leave his parents. So, I bribed him with my mouse totem.”
“You were going to tell me about that.”
“As I said, I found it on a hike soon after my arrival in Carmel Valley. When I gave it to Joshua, I told him it would bring him good luck. I left him as close as I dared to the monastery at Tassajara and told him to go for help. Then I went back for Paul and Theresa. But the fire blocked me. No one could have saved them. Not at that point, anyway.”
“What else?”
“All I know is that Joshua and his parents came across Jake and Tommy’s camp unexpectedly. Probably on a hike or a picnic. They found the shack and, unfortunately, the marijuana. I figure Jake and Tommy panicked and fled, because they left Theresa and Paul behind, drugged and at the mercy of the fire. They also left Joshua to die, not knowing I had freed him.”
“So why didn’t you turn them in?” I asked incredulously.
“I wasn’t aware of any of this back then. Only that I’d saved a child and not his parents. I was pretty shaken up, wondering if I could’ve done anything differently.”
“But you’re still hanging out with those losers, calling them friends.”
Veronica continued as if she hadn’t heard me. “So, you can imagine my reaction when I discovered Jake was going to be one of the guides on your tour. Ben wasn’t too happy when I invited myself along. Actually, he was pissed. Then he insisted on joining the party, too. To protect you from me. Can you believe it? With Jake being the dangerous one. Sure, Ben knew you didn’t like the man, but he had no idea . . . Anyway, when I told Morgan about Joshua and his parents, we put our heads together and figured out that his sister, Teri, and Theresa Alameda were one and the same. I give Morgan credit. He moved quickly after that. He managed to show up on the trip and convince Dr. Mendez to stay in case you or Joshua needed him. At first, Jake thought he was safe. Joshua showed no signs of regaining his speech and didn’t seem to be aware of Jake’s presence. But then . . . well, you know the rest. When Pete was injured in the lightning storm, Jake got the diversion he needed to kidnap Joshua and split. As soon as I noticed Jake was gone, I followed him, curious as to what he was up to. I didn’t know he had taken Joshua, though I should have. What was he thinking? How could he believe he’d get away with this?”
“So, Joshua knew you all along,” I said, “which explains why he took such interest in me at Dr. Mendez’s office. He thought I was you and that the mouse totem was mine.”
“Actually, there’s more to it than that,” Veronica said. “He wasn’t surprised when he saw me again, as if he already knew there were two of us. There’s something else going on between the two of you, but what that something is, I can’t begin to imagine.”
For a while, we sat in silence, but before I could give in to despair, Joshua said, “Let’s pray.”
The three of us scooted forward, and when we reached the wall, we bowed our heads and joined hands.
I led us in a prayer of faith, thanksgiving, and acceptance, concluding with, “Not our will but your will.”
To which Veronica responded, “Amen.”
Chapter Forty
SOMETHING WARM AND FURRY WOKE ME. I froze; didn’t dare move. There were raccoons and skunks in this area. Raccoons could be vicious, and often had rabies. Skunks had rabies, too. Plus, their spray . . . oh my God.
It emitted a vibrating purr, so quiet and low I felt more than heard it. I tried to keep my body from shaking, my breathing steady, hoping that whatever it was would soon leave the way it had come.
Then came a meow.
Not a raccoon.
Not a skunk.
“Gabriel,” I said. “Is that you?”
I turned on the flashlight and there he was—my stray. I stroked his quivering body, so happy to see him I momentarily forget the predicament we were in. “Where did you come from? How did you find us?”
Joshua sat up and rubbed his eyes.
“Joshua. It’s Gabriel. He meowed.”
“Hi Gabriel,” Joshua said, and the cat lunged onto his lap.
“Happy Easter,” Veronica said.
“Already?”
She pointed at the lighted dial on her wristwatch. “Yep, two a.m.”
Easter Sunday, a day of celebration, commemorating the resurrection of Christ. Jesus had stepped out of his tomb and restored faith to his followers. Peter, for one, would never deny Him again. Yet, here we sat—in our own tomb of sorts—waiting. God, help us.
I aimed the flashlight at mural of hands and took slow, deep breaths, reminding myself to reach into the state of mind where solutions were possible. I imagined myself inhaling molecules exhaled by my ancestors, giving and receiving in a web of love.
“Sunwalker,” Joshua said again, like a one-word mantra, and I reached for his hand. Courage, I realized, wasn’t the absence of fear but knowing there was something—someone—else more important.
I had to stay strong for Joshua.
“It’s time we put some of Dr. Mendez’s breathing and meditating exercises to work, little man,” I said. “And since you’re more advanced than we are, you start, and Veronica and I will join in when we get the hang of it. Okay?”
Joshua nodded.
“According to Dr. Mendez, we’re beings without borders and that means everything, and I mean everything, is a seamless extension of everything else. Even this cave is alive and part of the whole. We’re like strands of a spider’s web. Touch one and affect all.”
“I suppose that means Joshua’s ring, my mouse totem, and your red boots are also alive and part of the whole,” Veronica said.
“Actually . . . yes.”
“Maybe a fella ain’t got a soul of his own, but on’y a piece of a big one,” Veronica said, quoting Steinbeck.
“That about sums it up,” I said. “Our totems are our symbols of faith and power, our access to our deeper selves.”
Joshua lifted his ring and pointed it at the wall of hands.
“Great,” Veronica said. “Now, he thinks the ring has special powers.”
“Who says it doesn’t?” I said, tapping my red boots together. “Every thought, every act has its image stored in the mind of nature, so it’s possible that images of the thoughts and actions of past visitors are stored here, maybe even in the wall of hands.”
“And we see these images how?” Veronica asked.
“Not we. Only a few people, like Joshua, have the ability to bypass the limited range of their senses and tap into the parallel Universe that surrounds us.”
Veronica blew out her breath. “Joshua looks like he’s in a drugged daze, and his lips are moving like he’s talking to someone.”
“He’s probably in a meditative state. We were supposed to join him, remember?”
“Go for it, Sis. I’ll
stay on the alert for those two loose cannons outside who are probably about to do something stupid.”
“Where do you think they are?”
“Just beyond that screen of bushes and trees, our only way out of here, unless we suddenly turn into mountain goats.”
“Do you think they can hear us?”
“I doubt it, since we can’t hear them. Although, at this point, they probably don’t care what we’re saying or doing as long as we stay put.”
I closed my eyes and matched Joshua’s breathing, breath for breath, and just as my mind started to quiet and my thoughts to clear, the silence was broken by sounds coming from outside the cave. I turned off the flashlight and got to my feet.
Tommy Boy came in first, holding a lantern. Jake followed, carrying a rifle. His face, up-lit by Tommy Boy’s lantern, looked like a floating mask. His lips twitched. His eyes gleamed. I half expected a smile to burst forth on his face, followed by crazed laughter.
Instead, he said, “We’ve come for the kid.”
I glanced at Joshua. His breathing was slow, rhythmic, his gaze focused on the wall of hands, giving no sign he was aware of the mess we were in.
I should have left when I had the chance. What had my staying behind accomplished besides cutting off all chance of getting help? No way would I let Jake and Tommy Boy take the child. They’d kill him this time, or, at the very least, drive him over the edge. I had to do something. But what?
I focused on the wall of hands and again matched my breathing to Joshua’s. Reach into the state of mind where solutions are possible.
“What the fuck’s the matter with the kid?” Jake asked.
“He’s connecting with the spirits of the departed,” Veronica said.
“This fuckin’ cave gives me the creeps,” he said.
Waves of energy pulsed around and through me as though I were inside a giant womb rather than a cave made out of cold, hard rock. The hands on the wall began to throb, causing a disturbance that traveled longitudinally like a crowd-wave at a sporting event. I felt disembodied, almost dispassionate, as though observing a scene performed on a distant stage with actors who’d rehearsed their parts ad nauseam for the climax of the story—the point of no return. Help me. Show me what to do.
“Let’s grab the kid while he’s all docile and freaky,” Tommy Boy said.
“Or shoot him and let him out of his misery,” Jake said with a sick laugh.
A flickering light bathed Jake and Tommy Boy in a shimmering mist of gold. It was beautiful to behold, them standing below the glowing cathedral-like ceiling of the cave. I thought I heard singing but wasn’t sure.
“No,” I whispered, drawing on the hurt and pain they had caused and allowing it to fuel my resentment and fear. “They’re criminals. They’re scum. They don’t deserve the light. It isn’t fair.”
They are your brothers, a voice said, my beloved sons.
No, no, no, I thought, trying not to cry.
Then calm as you please, Gabriel padded up to Jake and rubbed against his legs.
Jake kicked him aside. “What’s the retarded cat doing here?”
As if in answer, my stray headed for the wall of hands.
I glanced at Jake. He was eyeing me strangely.
“You’re not Veronica,” he said.
I didn’t say a word, didn’t have to. He’d read the answer on my face in the flickering eerie light.
“Bitch.”
Every hair on my body seemed to stand on end, followed by a buzzing in my ears. He’s going to kill me. I’m going to die.
Jake smiled as if he knew exactly what I was thinking, then he cocked the rifle and pointed the barrel at my chest.
From deep inside, I whispered, “Not my will, but your will.”
In a sudden, fluid motion, Jake turned away from me and aimed the rifle at my sister. “I should have done this a long time ago.”
Oh, dear God, not Veronica. My heart pounded, drew the blood right out of my veins.
You of little faith, a voice said.
Looking at my sister, my chest swelled as if to make room for her inside. I loved her so much.
You must love your brothers as well.
I thought my heart would split due to the pulsing pressure building inside. Time stilled, or ceased all together. The weight of anger, mistrust, and doubt lifted from inside of me and wisped through the cave like a mini tornado.
I looked at Jake from behind different eyes. A voice I didn’t recognize as my own said, Jacob Neil Tritsman. What have you done?
The rifle jerked in Jake’s hands as he turned and aimed it back at me. “How’d you know my name?”
By this time, I had lost control of what I was saying. I was just a vessel channeling words through the unconscious. My precious, precious child.
“Shut up or I’ll shoot.”
Your papa can’t hurt you anymore. He has found peace. So have I.
“Momma?”
I’ve always loved you, my little hero. My protector.
“I’ve done bad things,” Jake said.
Yes.
“I’m a loser.”
No.
“What do I do?”
Free yourself. Start over.
“I’ll go to prison,” Jake said.
Enrichment will come back to you. Control your destiny.
“Too late,” he said.
It’s never too late.
“They’ll put me in prison,” he repeated.
The expression of fear and lost hope on Jake’s face made me want to reach out in compassion, as if he were Joshua, as if he were my own son. Who was I channeling? Jake’s mother? My mother? All mothers? You’re already in prison, Jake.
“I’ll be there for a long time,” he said.
You didn’t intentionally cause Paul and Theresa’s deaths.
“The drugs.”
The authorities will go easier on you if you share what you know.
“Why can’t I pull the trigger?” he cried.
Slowly, I came back to full consciousness, as if waking from a lucid dream. Jake is just a swirl of energy, I reminded myself, condensed, solidified. He and I, Tommy, Veronica, Joshua, and the cave, are all part of a whole, connected like strands of a spider web. Touch one strand and—
“The hands,” Tommy Boy shouted, pointing at the mural.
Everyone, including Jake, turned to face the wall. A mysterious form of energy highlighted the design of hands and refracted into the cave, flashing and whirling. The hands appeared to pulsate and cycle, giving the illusion of movement.
What were we seeing, hearing?
“Who’s there, Tommy Boy?” I asked.
“My mother.”
Joshua’s ring shot a lantern-like beam toward the wall of hands, and just like that, Ben’s Medicine Wheel teachings and Dr. Mendez’s quantum theories clicked into place as an unreal reality unfolded around me.
Creation is the transition of the invisible to the visible. In a universe where all things are interconnected, all consciousness is also interconnected and has an effect on the subatomic world. Each of us is the consciousness of mankind. We can tap into the consciousness of those who’ve been here before us.
Jake’s face no longer appeared crazed, as if he were sensing something, too.
I blinked, shook my head, and took command of the conversation between us. “Your mother was a blessed person, Jake.”
“She was,” he said, staring at the wall of hands.
“She wants you to put down the rifle and approach the wall,” I said with confidence, as though Jake’s mother were still channeling through me.
“I’m no Indian,” he said.
“We’re all linked to the unseen,” I said. “We’re all equal in our potential for love and forgiveness.”
Tommy Boy put down the lantern, edged forward, and pressed both hands against the mural. He closed his eyes and whispered, “Mama, Mama, Mam
a.”
“Accept the gift, Jacob Neil,” I said.
“My mother’s dead,” he cried. “My father hurt her.”
“And with her, part of you died, too,” I said. “Honor your mother by turning yourself in.”
“Do what she says, Jake,” Tommy Boy cried. “My mama’s here.”
“I’m a failure,” Jake said.
“Set yourself free, and you’ll never want to go back to the way you’re feeling now.”
He turned and stared at me, the rifle slack in his hands. “Where’s the light coming from? What is it? What’s happening?”
“All I know is that it exits,” I said. “And it becomes available to heal and generate happiness and joy. The answer will come, but it takes courage to let go and face the new.”
“It’s not that hard to hurt someone,” Jake said, his voice soft, almost kind. “Even kill someone. All it takes is one split second, one false move. And then, after billions of seconds of being a good, upstanding citizen, you become a felon. One split second. One false move. And then you’re in too deep and there’s no turning back. How close have you come to giving someone a little shove when standing next to him on a cliff? Would you pull the trigger if you were holding a gun? Would you kill me now if you had the chance? Would you kill me to save Joshua? Your sister? Yourself? Would you pull the trigger? If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll admit that you’re only one split second, one false move away from becoming a criminal. We’re not that different, you and I.”
Like the fire that had blazed through the Los Padres National Forest, Jake was burning the frameworks that imprisoned me—my limiting beliefs, my old patterns of thought—transforming them into blackened snags, a perfect habitat for the seeds of awareness buried deep inside to burst into life.
We’re not that different, you and I.
What, I wondered, would we do without our enemies?
“Did you kill your father?” I asked, prodded by an inner knowing.
“Why are you asking,” Jake said, “when you already know the answer?”
I said nothing.
“Just a little push was all it took, and just like that, he fell into the Pacific and was gone. Mom covered up for me, but I knew. I knew I was a criminal at ten years old”
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