Chatter

by Ethan Kross

  Tools for Providing Chatter Support

  Address people’s emotional and cognitive needs. When people come to others for help with their chatter, they generally have two needs they’re trying to fulfill: They’re searching for care and support, on the one hand (emotional needs), and concrete advice about how to move forward and gain closure, on the other (cognitive needs). Addressing both of these needs is vital to your ability to calm other people’s chatter. Concretely, this involves not only empathically validating what people are going through but also broadening their perspective, providing hope, and normalizing their experience. This can be done in person, or via texting, social media, and other forms of digital communication.

  Provide invisible support. Offering advice about how to reduce chatter can backfire when people don’t ask for help; it threatens people’s sense of self-efficacy and autonomy. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t still ways of helping others when they experience chatter and don’t ask for assistance. In such situations providing support invisibly, without people being aware you’re helping them, is useful. There are many ways to do this. One approach involves covertly providing practical support, like cleaning up the house without being asked. Another involves helping broaden people’s perspectives indirectly by, for example, talking in general terms about others who have dealt with similar experiences (for example, “It’s amazing how stressful everyone finds parenthood”) or by soliciting advice from someone else but without signaling that the questions are meant to help the person in need. For example, if my colleague was struggling to connect with their graduate student and we found ourselves at a function with other advisers, I might casually ask a group whether they’ve experienced trouble connecting with their students and, if so, how they managed the situation.

  Tell your kids to pretend they’re a superhero. This strategy, popularized in the media as “the Batman effect,” is a distancing strategy that is particularly useful for children grappling with intense emotions. Ask them to pretend they’re a superhero or cartoon character they admire, and then nudge them to refer to themselves using that character’s name when they’re confronting a difficult situation. Doing so helps them distance.

  Touch affectionately (but respectfully). Feeling the warm embrace of a person we love, whether that be holding someone’s hand or sharing a hug, reminds us at the conscious level that we have supportive people in our lives whom we can lean on—a chatter-relieving psychological reframe. Affectionate touch also unconsciously triggers the release of endorphins and other chemicals in the brain such as oxytocin that reduce stress. Of course, for affectionate touch to be effective it has to be welcome.

  Be someone else’s placebo. Other people can powerfully influence our beliefs, including our expectations about how effectively we can deal with chatter and how long it will last. You can utilize this interpersonal healing pathway by providing the people you’re advising with an optimistic outlook that their conditions will improve, which changes their expectations for how their chatter will progress.

  Tools for Receiving Chatter Support

  Build a board of advisers. Finding the right people to talk to, those who are skilled at satisfying both your emotional and your cognitive needs, is the first step to leveraging the power of others. Depending on the domain in which you’re experiencing chatter, different people will be uniquely equipped to do this. While a colleague may be skilled at advising you on work problems, your partner may be better suited to advising you on interpersonal dilemmas. The more people you have to turn to for chatter support in any particular domain, the better. So build a diverse board of chatter advisers, a group of confidants you can turn to for support in the different areas of your life in which you are likely to find your inner voice running amok.

  Seek out physical contact. You don’t have to wait for someone to give you affectionate touch or supportive physical contact. Knowing about the benefits they provide, you can seek them out yourself, by asking trusted people in your life for a hug or a simple hand squeeze. Moreover, you need not even touch another human being to reap these benefits. Embracing a comforting inanimate object, like a teddy bear or security blanket, is helpful too.

  Look at a photo of a loved one. Thinking about others who care about us reminds us that there are people we can turn to for support during times of emotional distress. This is why looking at photos of loved ones can soothe our inner voice when we find ourselves consumed with chatter.

  Perform a ritual with others. Although many rituals can be performed alone, there is often added benefit that comes from performing a ritual in the presence of others (for example, communal meditation or prayer, a team’s pregame routine, or even just toasting drinks with friends the same way each time by always saying the same words). Doing so additionally provides people with a sense of support and self-transcendence that reduces feelings of loneliness.

  Minimize passive social media usage. Voyeuristically scrolling through the curated news feeds of others on Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms can trigger self-defeating, envy-inducing thought spirals. One way to mitigate this outcome is to curb your passive social media usage. Use these technologies actively instead to connect with others at opportune times.

  Use social media to gain support. Although social media can instigate chatter, it also provides you with an unprecedented opportunity to broaden the size and reach of your chatter-support network. If you use this medium to seek support, however, be cautious about impulsively sharing your negative thoughts. Doing so runs the risk of sharing things that you may later regret and that may upset others.

  Tools That Involve the Environment

  Create order in your environment. When we experience chatter, we often feel as if we are losing control. Our thought spirals control us rather than the other way around. When this happens, you can boost your sense of control by imposing order on your surroundings. Organizing your environment can take many forms. Tidying up your work or home spaces, making a list, and arranging the different objects that surround you are all common examples. Find your own way of organizing your space to help provide you with a sense of mental order.

  Increase your exposure to green spaces. Spending time in green spaces helps replenish the brain’s limited attentional reserves, which are useful for combating chatter. Go for a walk in a tree-lined street or park when you’re experiencing chatter. If that’s not possible, watch a film clip of nature on your computer, stare at a photograph of a green scene, or even listen to a sound machine that conveys natural sounds. You can surround the spaces in which you live and work with greenery to create environments that are a boon to the inner voice.

  Seek out awe-inspiring experiences. Feeling awe allows us to transcend our current concerns in ways that put our problems in perspective. Of course, the experiences that provide people with awe vary. For some it is exposure to a breathtaking vista. For someone else it’s the memory of a child accomplishing an amazing feat. For others it may be staring at a remarkable piece of art. Find what instills a sense of awe within you, and then seek to cultivate that emotion when you find your internal dialogue spiraling. You can also think about creating spaces around you that elicit feelings of awe each time you glance at them.

  To Dad, for teaching me to go inside,

  and

  Lara, Maya, and Dani, my ultimate chatter antidotes

  Acknowledgments

  The seed for Chatter was planted thirty-seven years ago, when my dad started encouraging me to “go inside.” His voice was a constant companion as I wrote this book.

  To my students, collaborators, and colleagues (there are too many of you to name). Without you, there would be no Chatter. Working with you has been a privilege. I hope this book allows other people to benefit from your wisdom the way I have.

 
It’s hard to imagine how I could’ve finished this project without my family’s support. My wife, Lara, patiently listened to me talk about Chatter every day for several years. She read every word and never stopped cheering me on. I shudder to think where the kids would be without her (likely stranded at school, in tattered clothing, hungry, wondering why I forgot to pick them up). I, too, would be lost. I’m confident that my father-in-law, Basil, had no idea what he was getting into when he offered to provide advice whenever I needed it. Suffice it to say, I took him up on the offer. Thank you for your indefatigable love and support. Mom, Irma, Karen, Ian, Lila, and Owen—thank you for putting up with my absences and not judging me (too) harshly for working on vacation. I love you all.

  Doug Abrams, my literary agent extraordinaire, isn’t just brilliant and savvy and tall. He has a magnificent heart. His drive to make the world a better place is intoxicating. Doug had a clear vision for Chatter before I did, and tirelessly worked to bring the project to life. His voice was another welcome companion throughout the project. Aaron Shulman started out as my writing coach and ended up becoming a close friend. He taught me how to write for a broad audience, unlocked the secrets to finding great stories, punched up my prose when it needed a lift, and helped me push the manuscript across the finish line during the final sprint. He was my consummate literary guide. Lara Love provided incisive feedback on every chapter of the book, patiently explained how the publishing industry works, and spent countless hours schmoozing with me. Her warmth and wisdom made writing Chatter fun. Tim Duggan, my editor at Penguin Random House, was a dream to work with. Discerning, patient, and empathic, he championed Chatter from the moment we began collaborating and never stopped. His perceptive line edits and gentle encouragements to scale back here and go deeper there transformed the manuscript. I’m eternally grateful we had the opportunity to work together. I hope we get to do it again.

  Thinking about all the people who contributed to Chatter is moving. Joel Rickett, my UK editor, offered multiple rounds of penetrating feedback. His suggestion to have an “aha” on every page was a guiding mantra while I worked on the book, and his encouragement to investigate how chatter manifests in dreams remains one of my favorite sidebars. Will Wolfslau read every chapter and made countless suggestions that improved Chatter’s final form. Aubrey Martinson (and Will) deftly nursed the manuscript through the publication process, keeping me updated on progress every step of the way. Molly Stern championed Chatter from the moment she saw the proposal. Rachel Klayman, Emma Berry, and Gillian Blake provided exceptional input on several chapters. Their advice enhanced Chatter’s depth and breadth in ways that I’m grateful. Finally, Evan Nesterak is a fact-checking wunderkind. His meticulousness helped me sleep well knowing that every story detail I presented was confirmed.

  Idea Architects is a literary agency filled with sharp minds who are passionate about what they do. Thank you, Rachel Neuman, Ty Love, Cody Love, Janelle Julian, Boo Prince, Mariah Sanford, Katherine Vaz, Kelsey Sheronas, Esme Schwall Weigand, and the rest of the team for all of your help. At Penguin Random House, Steve Messina, Ingrid Sterner, Robert Siek, Linnea Knollmueller, Sally Franklin, Elizabeth Rendfleisch, Chris Brand, Julie Cepler, Dyana Messina, and Rachel Aldrich. At Ebury, Penguin Random House UK, Leah Feltham and Serena Nazareth. Abner Stein and the Marsh Agency helped spread word about Chatter around the world. I’m indebted to the hard work that Caspian Dennis, Sandy Violette, Felicity Amor, Sarah McFadden, Saliann St. Clair, Camilla Ferrier, Jemma McDonagh, and Monica Calignano put into the project along with the rest of both agencies’ teams.

  Walter Mischel passed away before he could read Chatter. His influence permeates its pages. Özlem Ayduk and I have been close friends and research partners since the first day of graduate school. Her everlasting friendship and support motivated me throughout the project. Chatter is filled with her wisdom as well.

  Angela Duckworth is the busiest scientist I know. Yet, she always returned my calls (usually minutes after I rang) and never failed to provide wise advice and heartfelt encouragement. David Mayer patiently listened to me pitch countless stories on our weekly runs. Jason Moser was a consummate brainstorming partner who provided a keen clinical perspective on several issues I grappled with (in the book, not personally). Little did I know when I met Jamil Zaki in graduate school that we’d end up writing books at the same time. He is the quintessential Chatter Adviser.

  Adam Grant, Susan Cain, Dan Pink, Dan Heath, Jane McGonigal, Maria Konnikova, Adam Alter, Elissa Epel, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Dave Evans, Tom Boyce, James Doty, John Bargh, Scott Sonenshein, and Andy Molinsky were all tremendous supporters of this project from its inception. Thank you all for your kind words.

  Dozens of people generously shared their amazing stories with me. Thank you. Without them, Chatter would not be what it is.

  I’m fortunate to work with colleagues who are as generous with their time as they are brilliant. John Jonides, Susan Gelman, Oscar Ybarra, Luke Hyde, Jacinta Beeher, Gal Sheppes, Daniel Willingham, David Dunning, Steve Cole, Ariana Orvell, Marc Berman, Rudy Mendoza Denton, Andrew Irving, Ming Kuo, Amie Gordon, Marc Seery, Scott Paige, Lou Penner, Nick Hoffman, Dick Nisbett, Shinobu Kitayama, Stephanie Carlson, Rachel White, Craig Anderson, Janet Kim, Bernard Rimé, Walter Sowden, Philippe Verduyn, and Tor Wager all provided helpful feedback throughout the writing process. I’d also like to acknowledge the University of Michigan, a unique institution that encourages its faculty to ask “big” questions that matter. Without its support, much of the research I talk about in Chatter would not have been possible. I am also grateful to the National Institutes of Health, the National Science Foundation, Riverdale Country School, Character Lab, Facebook, and the John Templeton Foundation for their support. Of course, the views presented in this book are my own; they do not necessarily reflect the views of these organizations.

  Finally, to Maya and Dani. The worst part about working on this book (by far) was knowing it took away from our time together. Thank you for your patience and love. I’m back!

  Notes

  Epigraphs

  “The biggest challenge”: Cathleen Falsani, “Transcript: Barack Obama and the God Factor Interview,” Sojourners, March 27, 2012, sojo.net/​articles/​transcript-barack-obama-and-god-factor-interview.

  “The voice in my head”: Dan Harris, 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works—a True Story (New York: It Books, 2014).

  Introduction

  CBS Evening News: “Pain of Rejection: Real Pain for the Brain,” CBS News, March 29, 2011, www.cbsnews.com/​news/​pain-of-rejection-real-pain-for-the-brain/. The segment can be viewed here: selfcontrol.psych.lsa.umich.edu/​wp-content/​uploads/​2017/​08/​Why-does-a-broken-heart-physically-hurt.mp4.

  central evolutionary advances: Janet Metcalfe and Hedy Kober, “Self-Reflective Consciousness and the Projectable Self,” in The Missing Link in Cognition: Origins of Self-Reflective Consciousness, ed. H. S. Terrace and J. Metcalfe (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2005), 57–83.

  In recent years: Each of the points referenced in this paragraph are fleshed out in the remaining chapters, with references provided when they are discussed. For a discussion of how chatter contributes to aging at the cellular level, see the “illnesses and infections” note in chapter 2.

  not living in the present: Matthew A. Killingsworth and Daniel T. Gilbert, “A Wandering Mind Is an Unhappy Mind,” Science 330 (2010): 932; Peter Felsman et al., “Being Present: Focusing on the Present Predicts Improvements in Life Satisfaction but Not Happiness,” Emotion 17 (2007): 1047–1051; Michael J. Kane et al., “For Whom the Mind Wanders, and When, Varies Across Laboratory and Daily-Life Settings,” Psychological Science 28 (2017): 1271–1289. As the Kane et al. article makes clear, mind wandering rates do, of course, vary across individuals. The numbers I report in the chapter refer to average
s, like most of the other statistics I present in Chatter.

  “default state”: A paper published in 2001 triggered an explosion of research into the “default state,” Marcus E. Raichle et al., “A Default Mode of Brain Function,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America 98 (2001): 676–682. Subsequent research linked default state activity to mind wandering: Malia F. Mason et al., “Wandering Minds: The Default Network and Stimulus-Independent Thought,” Science 315 (2007): 393–395. Also see Kalina Christoff et al., “Experience Sampling During fMRI Reveals Default Network and Executive System Contributions to Mind Wandering,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America 106 (2009): 8719–8724.

  when we slip away: As I explain in chapter 1, our default mode is not restricted to verbal reasoning. We can, for example, engage in visual-spatial reasoning when our mind wanders as well. Nonetheless, verbal reasoning constitutes a central component of mind-wandering. For example, in one of the first rigorous studies on this topic, Eric Klinger and W. Miles Cox concluded that “thought content is usually accompanied by some degree of interior monologue,” which they defined as “I was talking to myself throughout the whole thought.” They further noted that “interior monologues were at least as prevalent a feature of thought flow as visual imagery.” Eric Klinger and W. Miles Cox, “Dimensions of Thought Flow in Everyday Life,” Imagination, Cognition, and Personality 7 (1987): 105–128. Also see Christopher L. Heavey and Russell T. Hurlburt, “The Phenomena of Inner Experience,” Consciousness and Cognition 17 (2008): 798–810; and David Stawarczyk, Helena Cassol, and Arnaud D’Argembeau, “Phenomenology of Future-Oriented Mind-Wandering Episodes,” Frontiers in Psychology 4 (2013): 1–12.