by J. L. Leslie
I decide on a yellow sundress, the one I wore the first time Tauren kissed me. I get dressed and leave my hair down. When I come downstairs, my daddy is at the table eating breakfast. I don’t tell him goodbye; I simply leave.
When I get to the church, I go to the choir room. Mrs. Snyder wanted us all here early so we could run through the songs one last time. She doesn’t mention that I missed Friday night’s practice.
“Helene, what are you singing, sweetie? You’re flat!” Mrs. Snyder scolds me. “I hope you do not sound like that when we get out there in front of the congregation.”
Mrs. Holt gives my shoulder a squeeze and I manage a light smile. She has no idea that I’ve been seeing her son. How I feel about him. I could ask her if he’s here, but it would be strange. I’ve never asked her about him before.
“Okay, we’re going to pray before we go out there,” Mrs. Snyder says. “Lord knows we need it.”
We take each other’s hands, and I find a small amount of comfort in holding Angie Holt’s hands. I’m not sure why.
We exit the choir room and head out to the congregation, most of the choir members determined to put on an excellent performance. I’m determined to get through it and find Tauren.
My breath catches in my throat when I see him sitting beside Kaler. His face is battered and bruised, a cut above his right eyebrow. No one in this church knows that the man who preaches to them about sin did that.
We sing, and although my gaze is on him, he doesn’t look at me like he usually does. In fact, he seems to be looking anywhere but at me. I silently pray that he’ll look at me, only once, but he never does.
When the cantata is over, and service is dismissed. He stands and heads straight out, not lingering around like he normally would. I bolt out of the choir loft and catch him as he reaches his car.
“Tauren!” I call out, but he ignores me. “I was so worried about you.”
He runs a hand over his hair and puts a cigarette in his mouth, lighting it up right there in the church parking lot. He looks down at the pavement, kicking a rock with his shoe while he fishes his keys out of his pocket.
“Please look at me,” I say when he opens his door.
He climbs inside, staring straight ahead. He cranks his car and revs the engine, so I back away. Not once does he look in my direction. Not once does he see the devastation on my face.
I knew he would break me. Yet, I stood there, shattering into a million pieces while I watched him drive off.
Chapter Ten
Tauren
I lean my head back against the wall and fist my fingers in her hair. It’s not red, but it’s easy for me to imagine that it is when I’m this fucking drunk. She cups my nut sack with her hand and grazes her teeth over my dick. I groan and push myself deeper into her mouth.
“Hurry up, man! I gotta take a leak!” someone calls from the other side of the door.
“Fuck off!” I yell and ignore the incessant banging. “Keep going, Abby. I’m going to fucking nut on those pretty pink lips of yours.”
She hums and sucks harder, and I close my eyes. I picture Helene, like I always do, and spurt my cum on Abby’s tongue. She keeps sucking and then licks the tip of my dick.
“Okay, next time we’ll have to go to your place,” she says, rising to her feet. “I can’t believe you talked me into this.”
“Yeah,” I shrug, tucking my dick into my pants and zipping them up.
“If that isn’t a good luck charm for opening night tomorrow, I don’t know what is,” she grins, wiping her mouth.
Abby opens the door and the pissed off guy standing outside barges in. My face reddens at the sight of Parker. I step past him, without a word or an apology, and rejoin Kipton at the pool table.
“What the hell, Tauren?” he asks. “Thought you had next game. That was twenty fucking minutes ago.”
“I’m here now, so shut the fuck up and let’s play.” I rack the balls up and tell him he can break. He stands there glaring at me. “What?”
“Is this how you’re going to be from now on?”
Since he doesn’t break, I go ahead and shoot first. “And how am I being?”
“I know you went through some shit whether you talk about it or not. It’s been what, a month and a half now? It’s fucked up but screwing your way through every woman in Chapelwood is not going to make you forget about her.”
“I’m not talking about her.”
When I talk about her, I think about her. Fuck, I don’t have to talk about her to think about her because I think about her every waking second of my damn life. I keep replaying the last time I heard her voice.
Please look at me.
I hate myself for not looking at her. For not telling her to get in the car with me and just driving away. To hell with everyone else.
“I hear she moved out. Started tutoring some high school students and apparently, it pays pretty well.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Her daddy took her phone, laptop, and car though. He also stopped paying her tuition, but Jenna helped her apply for financial aid.”
“Stop talking about her.”
“Stop screwing around with trashy girls when you’re in love with someone else.”
“Hey,” Abby says, stopping by with a pitcher. “I’m not trashy.”
Kipton gives her a look. “Were you just giving my brother a blow job in the bathroom?”
She flips him off. “Thank you for proving my point.”
“I’m not in love with her anymore,” I lie. “So, drop it.”
“Fine,” Kipton says. “She’s staying with Jenna in case you were wondering.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Jenna’s having a little get together tomorrow afternoon. Sort of a housewarming type of thing. Said you could come if you want.”
“Not interested.”
Kipton takes his shot and sinks a solid. “Suit yourself.”
I watch him sink another, knowing I’m going to lose to him. Again. I run a hand through my hair, annoyed about losing and annoyed with this conversation.
“I have a race tomorrow night,” I tell him. “In case you forgot, it’s the first race of the season.”
“I didn’t forget. The housewarming thing is early.”
He continues to sink his fucking solids, and I stand there watching him kick my ass at pool. Finally, I give in and ask him what he knew I would ask the moment he brought it up.
“What time should I be there?”
Helene
I flush the toilet and use Lysol on the seat and handle, unsure if I have a stomach bug or if it’s only my nerves. I go to the sink and wash my hands and then my face then head back to my room to unpack some more.
I open another box and smile when I see what’s inside this one. I knew I didn’t forget to pack it. I would never forget. I take out the dreamcatcher my mama gave me when I was ten, right before she passed away, and hang it from the headboard, admiring the angels dangling from it.
She told me to keep it close to my bed because it would catch any nightmares I had and would only let good dreams come through. I know it was a fantasy, but at age ten, it was so easy to believe.
I really need to believe in the fantasy right now.
The last month and a half has been a nightmare for me. In a matter of minutes, I lost everything and everyone important to me. Everything unraveled.
The last time I spoke to Tauren was the day he drove away from me at the church. He stopped coming to Sunday service, and from what I hear, he’s been keeping himself pretty busy with every female in town.
That was also the last day I spoke to my daddy. Well, held a meaningful conversation with him anyway. We lived in the same house, under the same roof, but were basically strangers.
I had no control of anything in my life, but then again, I never really did. I always took a back seat and let everyone else control me and what I did, especially my daddy. He made all of my decisions for me.
Not anymore.
I talked with Jenna, who has become one of my closest friends the past month, and she helped me get some additional tutoring gigs. Turns out, there are several high school kids who need a tutor, and the pay is pretty decent. I saved up my money and moved in with Jenna, who is merciful enough not to charge me an outrageous amount for rent.
Aside from the one night I had with Tauren in the back of his Charger, moving out was the biggest decision I ever made. I don’t regret it any more than I regret having sex with Tauren.
My heart aches at the thought of him. We had something special, or so I thought. I also thought he wasn’t going to give up on what we had, but I was wrong about that. I can’t say that I blame him. My daddy and his deputy did beat the crap out of him. I would’ve called it quits too.
I finish off that box, telling myself I won’t think of Tauren the entire time I unpack, when another bout of nausea hits me. I beeline it for the bathroom and barely make it to the toilet. I’ve been sick for the past couple of days, on and off all day. I figure its only stress.
My daddy didn’t want me to move out, which didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me though was that he turned off my phone and didn’t allow me to take my laptop or my car. He also refused to continue to pay for my tuition. I’m paid up through this semester and that’s it. Luckily, I applied for financial aid and was approved. It’s all overwhelming, and apparently, my body can’t handle it.
I Lysol the toilet and re-wash my hands and face again. I open Jenna’s medicine cabinet to see if she has anything I can take, but it’s empty. I try my luck under the sink, but there’s nothing in there but the cleaning stuff where I got the Lysol and a box of tampons.
I put the Lysol back and frown at the box of tampons. I haven’t gotten my period and honestly, don’t remember exactly when I was supposed to get it. I walk back to my room and start working on the box again, determined to get it unpacked.
“Oh my God,” I say aloud the moment realization hits me.
I should’ve gotten my period a couple of weeks ago. I’m late. I am never late. No. No. No. No. No. This doesn’t happen. This isn’t happening.
I grab my purse, deciding I need to go get Jenna as I walk through the house and to the door. I open the door and stop dead in my tracks. Tauren.
“Am I early?” he asks, confusion on his oh-so-handsome face.
“Um, early for what?”
“The house thing for you,” he answers. “I wasn’t sure if I should’ve come, but Kipton said I would look like an asshole if I didn’t.”
Because you haven’t looked like one the past month and a half?
“I haven’t seen you in over a month,” I say to him. “That’s a pretty difficult thing to accomplish in a town like this.”
He runs a hand over his hair, the unruly locks sticking out everywhere in a sexy, messy look. “What can I say? I’m a man of many talents.”
“Look, Tauren, I have to go somewhere. I’m not sure why you’re here, but you can go back to disappearing. I’ve gotten used to that.”
He seems stunned by my words. I’m a little stunned that I said them to him, but he caught me off guard, and I couldn’t seem to hold them back.
“So, there’s no housewarming thing?” he asks, still confused.
“No!” I half-shout, pushing past him. “And I have to go!”
“You don’t have a car,” he observes.
“I’m walking to Kaler’s house,” I tell him, bounding off the porch.
“I can take you,” he offers.
I stop and turn around to face him. He stands there, waiting on my answer. Waiting on me to come get in his car. I tell myself to go to Kaler’s house. Get Jenna to take me to the store. That I don’t need him.
Then he smiles at me.
And just like that, I go right to him.
Chapter Eleven
Tauren
My brother pulled one over on me. What an asshole. Helene rides shotgun in my car, gazing out the passenger window. Her legs are crossed, and her sundress rides up her thighs, revealing the creamy softness of her skin.
I’ll have to thank him later.
“You moved out,” I say, not as a question but as an observation.
“Yes,” she replies.
“That’s good,” I tell her. “I know that was a big step for you.”
“Mm-hmm.”
I take a left and know the drug store is right ahead. I’m not sure what she needs to get, but I do know that our little drive is coming to an end soon. She’s barely spoken a word to me. I don’t suppose I blame her. I gave up on what we had when I promised her I wouldn’t do that.
“Kipton says you’re tutoring high school kids,” I make another attempt at conversation, but she doesn’t respond. “Helene, come on, talk to me.”
She looks over at me, and I didn’t notice it before when we were at Jenna’s. I didn’t see the pain and devastation on her face. The sadness. The hurt.
I caused that. I walked out on her without any explanation. I told her I would be there as long as it took, and I let her fucking daddy run me off. I let him threaten me, and I didn’t fight back.
“Talk to you?” she asks me. “You wouldn’t even look at me. Don’t you remember?”
“I can explain.”
“You don’t have to,” she says. “What they did to you, I get it. I understand, I really do. I thought that we would’ve gotten through it. I thought we had something special. I gave you my…” her voice trails. “Anyway, I understand, and I forgive you. You have moved on, and I don’t regret anything that happened between us.”
I pull into the parking lot. “I don’t regret anything either.”
She smiles softly, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Not like her smiles used to. “I’ll be right back.”
I wait in my car for her. It takes her about ten minutes, and when she comes back, she’s empty handed.
“Got what you needed?” I ask her, and she nods. “You forget something?”
She shakes her head, but an employee runs outside with a bag in her hand. I roll my window down, and she hands it to me.
“You rushed out so quickly that you forgot your bag, Helene,” she says and winks as she looks at me. “I’m dying to know, and don’t worry; I won’t say a word!”
I look down at the bag, and I can see the letters E.P.T through the plastic. I swallow and hand the bag over to Helene, who is blushing a deep shade of red.
“Thanks, Maggie,” she replies to the employee. “Please don’t say anything.”
“Your secret’s safe with me!”
I mumble a thanks to her and roll my window up. I sit there a moment, waiting for Helene to say something. Anything.
“Can, um, we go please?” she asks quietly.
I back out and drive back to Jenna’s, ever so often glancing over to the bag she clutches in her lap. It’s a fucking pregnancy test. Helene Jacobs is holding a pregnancy test in her lap. A damn pregnancy test!
The moment I stop at Jenna’s, she rushes out of the car and inside the house. I slam my hands on the steering wheel, yelling and cursing in a fucking meltdown. I’m pretty sure I even blow the horn a few times.
Finally, when I have enough composure to get out of the car, I do and go inside the house. I don’t even bother knocking. I doubt Jenna is even here if she was with my brother a little while ago.
I go knock on the bathroom door, and when Helene doesn’t immediately answer, I pound on it with my fist.
“Seriously!” Helene hollers. “Thanks for driving me to the store, but I’m good now!”
“I’ll wait out here for, I don’t know, two or three minutes!” I say, sarcasm dripping from my tone.
I lean back against the wall and start counting the seconds. I say a little prayer with each one. This can’t be happening to us.
Helene
I read the instructions and with shaking hands, tear open the box and the package. This isn’t happening. This isn�
��t happening. This isn’t happening.
I repeat this mantra the entire time I pee on the little stick. I figure if I repeat it, then somehow, it won’t happen. The lines will be the result I want to see.
I don’t have a phone, so I don’t set a timer, but instead, place the cap back on the test and put it on the counter. Then, I drop to my knees and pray. I pray so hard that I did not get pregnant the first time I had sex. That life would not be so cruel.
We used protection! We were safe! This is not supposed to happen the first time a person has sex!
“Helene?” Tauren knocks on the door. “Come on, baby. Did you take the test?”
“Just a sec,” I answer him. I slowly rise up, not knowing how long I’ve been praying, and pick up the test.
Positive.
I can’t open the door. I cannot face him yet. I cover my mouth to keep from sobbing as tears stream down my face.
“Helene!” he calls out again. “Baby, talk to me!”
“Please, just…just go!”
Tauren bangs on the door, yelling for me to open it. I sit down on the toilet lid and bury my head in my hands, crying uncontrollably. I plead for him to go away and then scream when the door splinters open. Tauren nearly falls to the floor as he crashes through it.
“I’m pregnant, Tauren,” I sob. “I don’t…I don’t know how…”
He drops to his knees in front of me and pulls me to him, his arms going around me. He’s panting harshly from the exertion of breaking down the bathroom door. He smoothes his hands over my back, soothing and comforting me, and then thumbs away my tears. I can feel him trembling. He’s as terrified as I am.
“We were safe,” I whisper. “How does that happen on the first time? The only time?”
“I don’t know,” he answers, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I got you into this.”
“We need to tell our parents,” I say to him.