by J. L. Leslie
“Whoopsies!” I start laughing, although I’m unsure why. It’s definitely not funny.
I asked her to wait a few days before telling anyone, and now I’ve blabbed it to everyone in a drunken fit. Perfect way to make an announcement.
“If that was a secret you didn’t want out, you did a shit job of keeping your mouth shut, little bro.”
We ride a bit and the air coming in from the window is quite sobering. Finally, I look over at him, taking in the pissed off expression on his face.
“We can’t all keep our feelings under wraps,” I tell him, talking very slowly so that my speech is clear. “Can’t all hide shit all the time.”
He cuts his eyes toward me. “This isn’t about me. You owe Helene an apology, and exactly what the hell are you two going to do with a baby?”
“Let’s make it about you,” I change the subject. “I can’t handle my shit tonight, clearly, so let’s talk about you instead, and what you’ve been hiding.”
“Get out of my fucking truck,” he orders, stopping in front of my house.
“Come help me,” I tell him, smirking, and he gets out.
Kipton opens my door and roughly jerks me out of the truck. I fall down, hitting my knees hard on the curb. He doesn’t even try to help me up.
I start laughing. “You shouldn’t piss me off, brother. I might go into another drunken rage,” I warn him and begin yelling, “And tell everyone you’re in love with Brynn! Your fucking sister-in-law!”
He shoves me over onto the grass. “Ex-sister-in-law. You can get yourself inside.”
Pissed, he leaves me drunk and lying in my front yard. I’m still there when the sun comes up.
With a massive hangover.
And a shitload of regret.
Helene
I squint my eyes, shielding them from the sun, and immediately wish that I had remembered to get my sunglasses from my dresser. Jenna was kind enough to let me use her car today, so I’m headed to my daddy’s house to get the rest of my things. Hopefully, he will not be there.
I take a left, and although the sun still shines brightly through the windshield, my eyes widen. I swerve into the other lane and the oncoming car lays on the horn. I hit the brakes and thank God we didn’t have a fender bender. I ease off the road and put Jenna’s car in park in front of Tauren’s house.
I’m hesitant as I approach him. For all I know, he could be dead. He definitely had a lot to drink last night. He’s lying on his stomach in the grass, his arms tucked beneath him. His hair is a tousled mess, his lips parted.
I bend down, settling onto my knees. He almost looks peaceful like this. His dark lashes resting against his skin. His perfect lips moist from the morning dew.
But then I remember the hateful things he was spouting out last night. That was anything but peaceful.
Innocent Helene Jacobs is knocked up, everyone! That’s right! Virgin Helene is not a fucking virgin anymore! I popped that sweet cherry, and she’s pregnant! With my damn kid and you know, what? She won’t even fucking marry me? No one else can have you, Helene!
I give him a light shove, but he doesn’t stir. I touch his face and then giggle to myself, nearly chickening out, before I slap him hard on the cheek. His brow furrows, and he groans. I do it again, and his eyes snap open. I sit back on my heels, fighting back a smile as he looks around, confusion on his handsome face.
“You’re passed out in your front yard,” I explain before getting up.
“Shit,” he mumbles, rolling onto his back. “Did you slap me in my face?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I shrug and start toward Jenna’s car. I tell myself I only pulled over to see if he was alive. Now that I know he is, I have no reason to stay and chitchat with him.
“I’m sorry,” he apologizes.
In the time that I’ve been around Tauren Holt, I’ve come to realize that he has no problem apologizing when he’s in the wrong. Only, he’s in the wrong a lot and doesn’t mind staying there. He’s downright comfortable there because he believes if he apologizes, flashes that perfect grin of his, that all is forgiven.
“I don’t have time for your apologies today, Tauren,” I reply, exasperated.
“You’re having my baby, and you don’t have time for me?”
I cross my arms and turn around. “Do you remember the things you said to me last night?”
He slowly climbs to his feet, stumbling slightly. He doesn’t bother to wipe the grass shards off his clothes, simply approaches me. He smells disgusting, and I know I’m unable to hide the look on my face that tells him that.
“Stop right there,” I tell him, holding my hand up. “I will not talk to you when you smell like that.”
“Damn it, Helene, hear me out!”
“I only stopped because I thought you were dead or something,” I explain. “I’m going to my daddy’s house to get the rest of my things. I’m sure this apology is no different than any of your other ones.”
He calls my name, but I get in the car. I don’t look back because if I do, I’ll stay and listen to him, falling for yet another apology. I have forgiven him for what happened between us, or at least I tell myself I have. I’ve been brought up to forgive, and I need to forgive him, or he’ll destroy me more than he already has.
My mission today is to get the rest of my things and not focus on the broken bits and pieces Tauren Holt left behind. I pull into the driveway at my daddy’s house and sigh when I see his car. I hoped he wouldn’t be home when I got here, but I’m not so lucky.
Since I don’t live here anymore, I knock lightly on the door before going inside. I call out to my daddy, letting him know that I’m here.
“I’m going to grab the rest of my things!”
He doesn’t respond, so I assume he’s in his study or room and doesn’t want to see me. He spent most of his time there or at the church while I was still living here. I make my way upstairs to my room and gasp when I find it completely empty. The few things I still had here are gone. I open my closet, thinking maybe he put them in there, but no. It’s empty too. There’s nothing left.
I check the spare bedroom and the storage closet in the hallway so I can be certain he didn’t box everything up and put it in there. No such luck.
I lean against the wall, wondering what he’s done with my things. I took everything of value with me, thank goodness, but I still had more items to get. I didn’t know he was capable of such cruelty toward me.
I start back down the stairs, and that’s when I hear arguing. I recognize my daddy’s voice, and for the first time in my life, Tauren is in this house.
“I’m asking for your blessing, sir, but I don’t care if you give it to me or not! I’m marrying your daughter!”
Oh my word.
“I don’t have a daughter!” my daddy yells as I approach them. He turns to me, his face red with anger. “He has ruined you! Ruined this family! Your mama would hate what you’ve become!”
“No, she would hate you!” I scream, and he slaps me hard across the face. My cheek stings from the impact, tears springing to my eyes.
Tauren immediately has him pinned to the wall, his forearm pressing against his neck. “She’s carrying your grandchild!”
“That bastard is no grandchild of mine!” he hisses.
“You stay away from us,” Tauren warns. “You hear me? If you ever touch her or speak to her again, I’ll kill you!”
Tauren releases my daddy and puts his arm around me. He’s taken a shower because he no longer reeks of alcohol but smells like his body wash, cedar and sandalwood. I shouldn’t lean into him, but I do, finding comfort in his embrace. Solace in his warmth.
“I’ll follow you to Jenna’s,” he promises me, kissing my forehead before opening the door for me.
I hesitate before getting in, finding strength I didn’t know I possessed. “Tauren, don’t. I don’t want you to follow me.”
He furrows his brow. “Why the fuck not?”
“Because I’m not going to marry you.”
I get in the car and take a deep breath, my hands shaking as I crank Jenna’s car. He stands there watching me as I drive away, the strength I had slowly ebbing from my body as I sob uncontrollably.
Chapter Fourteen
Tauren
It’s opening weekend of the racing season, and I’m recovering from one hell of a hangover. On top of that, the whole damn town is talking about me, and I was just rejected by the one woman I would actually consider buying a ring for. It’s definitely not the weekend I was going for.
Since I know word has probably already gotten to my parents, I go by their house after leaving Pastor Jacobs’ house. I finish off my cigarette and toss it out my window right before I pull into their drive. I see Mrs. Cavenshaw looking out her window as I walk across their yard. Fucking busybody.
I open the door and step inside, calling out for my mama, so she’ll know I’m there. I find her in the living room on the telephone. Although her and my daddy both have cell phones, they still have a landline as well.
Her glare lands on me, and I know without a doubt that she’s getting an ear full and it has to be about me and my little outburst at Happy’s last night. She points to the couch, indicating that I should sit down, so I do.
“Yes, I know, Brenda, and I’ll talk with him about it,” Mama says, and I roll my eyes when I realize she’s talking to Mrs. Jones. She lives beside Jenna, so I guess she’s technically Helene’s neighbor now. “Well, now, marrying someone because of something like this, if it is even true, isn’t a requirement anymore. This isn’t the olden days.”
I can only imagine the heart attack Mrs. Jones is having on the other line. How dare I knock up Helene and not marry her, right? Well, she can explain to everyone that I’ve offered, and she turned me down. At least I attempted to do the honorable thing.
“My son will take care of his child, Brenda, if there even is one. You don’t worry about that. Now, I have to run. I have to get my cake made for the ladies’ luncheon.”
She hangs up and puts the phone on the coffee table, turning her attention to me. She crosses her legs and taps her fingertips on the arm of the couch. I feel exactly the way I did when I sat in this very spo,t and she scolded me for the bicycle stunt. Of course, when I told her why I did it, my punishment wasn’t as harsh as I thought it was going to be. I only had to do the dishes. Once.
She wanted me to apologize to Pastor Jacobs since he was so upset, but I think she knew I would never do that, so she didn’t try to force me into it. I also believe she didn’t think he deserved my apology.
“Baby, tell me these rumors that are going around about you and Helene are only rumors,” she says.
“I wish I could, Mama.”
“Lord, have mercy,” she replies and stands to her feet, motioning for me to get up. She folds her arms around me, wrapping me in a hug. “What am I going to do with you?”
I can hear the emotion in her voice, and I hate getting her upset. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she tells me, stroking my back like she did when I was a kid. “Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for you and that girl and this baby that you’re going to have. We don’t have to understand it to know that it’s meant to be.”
“I have no idea what to do,” I admit. “I tried talking to Helene. Hell, I even asked her to marry me.”
My mama leans back, one eyebrow arched. “Did you now? You got down on one knee and asked her to marry you as though she was the love of your life?”
“No, ma’am, but ‒”
“There ain’t no buts about it, son, that’s the only way to do it,” she scolds. “Otherwise, you don’t really mean it, and she saw right through that. Why would she settle for less? She has a baby to think about.”
I run a hand through my hair. “I don’t know how to be a daddy.”
“You’ll figure it out,” she promises me. “Because I know you, son, and you never give up on anything you want.”
I did though. I gave up one time, and it was something I wanted more than anything. Now, I have no idea how to get her back.
Helene
I suppose not having a phone can be a blessing in disguise. I’m not getting call after call about what happened last night. I know the news has made it all over town by now since my daddy knew about it already. Nothing ever stays a secret for too long in this town. I honestly think Kaler and Jenna’s relationship was the best-kept secret in Chapelwood.
“You okay?” Jenna asks, glancing over at me.
We’re at her house binge-watching some show on television. There’s been a marathon on all day, and we haven’t changed the channel since we turned it on.
When I got back from my daddy’s, I sat in her car bawling my eyes out until she realized I was home and came outside. I thought she was at Kaler’s. She helped me out of the car and inside. I told her what happened, including the whole story about last night and our night together, and she did what a good friend does. She listened.
I had no idea how good it feels to tell everything that’s on your mind to a person who will sit and listen with no judgment. I’ve been judged by my daddy ever since my mama died. I didn’t see it at the time, but I see it now. He judged everything I did, every decision I made if it wasn’t in line with what he wanted. To know that I have a friend like Jenna, someone I can be myself with, is refreshing, and I poured my heart out to her. After she listened, I asked for advice.
She told me if I decided to forgive Tauren, really forgive him, that I could do that on my terms. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I have to run right back to him if I’m not ready to do that yet.
I haven’t admitted it out loud, not even to myself, but he destroyed me. I went against everything I believed in to be with him. I gave up my values for him, and he turned his back on me. I know the one night we had together ended awful. I was there, and I saw what was done to him, but that Sunday was the worst for me. Standing there and waiting for him to talk to me, after I’d given him all of me, only to have him drive off without a word.
I was gutted.
Then, only days later, I started hearing about him hooking up with all these different girls. I would see him riding them around in his car. There were even times I would drive past his house and see him standing in the window. He would be shirtless, and I would know he wasn’t alone.
Not like I was stalking him or anything. I pass his house when I go to school. I mean, if I go that route. It doesn’t matter. He never saw me. Maybe he never really did.
Tauren was doing whatever he wanted to with whoever he wanted to do it with, and I no longer mattered to him. He made that clear. Why should I welcome him back with open arms when being held in them again may only break me into smaller pieces? Pieces that will be misshapen with jagged edges, so I won’t be able to glue them back together.
“I don’t know that I’m ready to forgive him,” I confess. “I thought I had, I truly did. I know I’m supposed to forgive him but forgiving him right now seems like I’m admitting he didn’t do anything wrong and I can’t admit that yet.”
“You don’t have to yet,” Jenna tells me. “It is okay for you to be angry at him for a while. But I will say this, I know Tauren, I have for a long time, and although what he did was very shitty, he never would have walked away without a reason. He doesn’t give up on something he wants that easily, so maybe he thought he was protecting you by doing that. As for all the hookups, that’s him protecting himself.”
I shake my head. “I guess that’s where I’m naïve about relationships because I don’t understand how he could be intimate with other women when he claimed to love me.”
Jenna laughs. “That’s simple, Helene. Men can be idiots sometimes. Tauren never treated those women the way he treated you, so they were only an escape from his nightmare. Never long-lasting. Only a way to numb the pain because yes, he’s in pain too.”
I try to wrap my mind ar
ound how that works. He was hurting, so he had sex with someone else? That makes zero sense to me, but I suppose Jenna is right. Men can be idiots sometimes.
Chapter Fifteen
Tauren
I have no idea how to ask for forgiveness. I mean really ask for it and prove that I deserve it, especially when I don’t believe that I do. I can apologize a million times because I have no issue apologizing. Thing is, the argument usually ends there once I say I’m sorry. I apologize, I’m forgiven, and it’s over.
But not this time.
A simple apology didn’t work with Helene this time. I can honestly say I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve apologized to her over the past year. Those apologies seem so unimportant now though. Irrelevant.
The one time I need her forgiveness, she doesn’t grant it to me.
So, I can stand here, enjoying my win of the second race of the season, but I’m empty inside tonight. I’m smiling and laughing with the fans that are crowding around me, but I’m hollow.
My brothers can see it. I know with the way they’re watching me that they can see right through me. They can see through this act I’m putting on.
Sure, I won the race, but I wasn’t driving like myself. I made some careless mistakes, rubbing other drivers, and taking the turns loosely, and they could have cost me. I’m lucky they didn’t.
After a few more minutes of celebrating, I push my way through the crowd, very much aware that a track bunny is following closely behind me. It doesn’t take her long to catch up, slipping her arm around my waist.
“I think you deserve a proper reward,” she purrs.
I can’t think of her name, but she’s given me a “proper reward” after more than one race. Even the ones I didn’t win. She’s not Abby, the waitress I’ve fooled around with, and she sure as hell isn’t Helene. No one can ever be Helene.
It would be easy for me to accept her offer. Go to her place and fuck away my worries. My fears. They wouldn’t stay gone though. Everything would come rushing back, and the guilt would be overwhelming, at least until the next time. This is the cycle I’ve been on for the past month and a half. It doesn’t change, and it hasn’t made me happy.