by J. L. Leslie
“You know what, I’m good,” I tell her. “No reward needed tonight.”
She’s clearly disappointed, but she doesn’t make a scene as she backs away from me. There’s no need for her to when there are other racers she can go reward. Only they didn’t win tonight.
I unzip my suit and shrug out of the sleeves, tying them around my waist. I hear footsteps behind me, but I’m not worried that the woman is back. I know it’s my brothers. Kaler didn’t get the opportunity to speak to me before the race, but he knows. Everyone fucking knows.
“Go ahead and say it,” I tell them both before they even reach me.
“Say what?” Kaler asks, and I stop, turning to face them.
“Whatever fucking lecture you want to give me,” I say. “The I told you so’s, you fucked up, or whatever the fuck the both of you want to say.”
“No lecture from me on this one,” Kaler lets me know, and I arch an eyebrow.
“No lecture? That’s a first.”
“You’re going to be a good daddy, Tauren,” he assures me, and I swallow. I wasn’t expecting that. “Doesn’t matter if you’re ready or not, because I know this isn’t what you and Helene planned, but you are going to be great at it. Besides, Willow is very excited to have a baby cousin.”
My eyes tear up, and I quickly blink that shit back. I will never hear the end of it if I cry in front of my brothers, no matter what the reason.
“I don’t know how to get her back,” I confess, my voice cracking.
“Pull your head out of your ass, for one,” Kipton smarts and I manage a laugh.
“And go to Happy’s so you can offer her a ride home when her shift ends,” Kaler suggests. “I don’t think Jenna will be able to make it there to pick her up.”
I nod, smiling. I don’t know what the hell I would do without my brothers.
Helene
It wasn’t a bad night. I only puked twice, and both times were in the bathroom. Why is it called morning sickness when you’re sick all day? I don’t understand that.
Anyway, there was a crowd that came in right after the race, which is the usual for Happy’s, and fortunately, Tauren was not part of it. Maybe he didn’t want to show his face after the scene he caused last night. Too bad I didn’t have that option.
I can assure you, it’s not fun living in a small town when everyone knows you’ve been doing something you shouldn’t have. As the preacher’s daughter, I’m practically held to the same impossible standard he is.
No mistakes or I’ll burn in hell.
These people have been going to church long enough to know that isn’t how salvation works. God is not going to banish me from heaven simply because I had premarital sex. Hardly no one on this planet would get into heaven then.
This baby is not a punishment, and I can’t bring myself to call him or her a mistake either. Surprise is a much better word, and I will figure out exactly what I’m going to do with this surprise regardless of what the people in this town have to say about it.
I take the tips from my apron and shove them into my purse, not bothering to count them. I hang the apron up on the peg Happy has for them right inside the kitchen and tell him goodnight.
I step outside, expecting to find Jenna waiting for me, but she isn’t there. Instead, Tauren is seated on the hood of his car, his elbows resting on his knees and a lit cigarette in his mouth. He inhales a drag and exhales, smoke clouding around him before he climbs off his car and stomps the cigarette out with his shoe.
The last time I spoke with him, I told him I wasn’t going to marry him. Sure, he proposed while he was a drunken mess, but he also told my daddy he was going to marry me, and I can’t marry someone who is only marrying me out of some ridiculous sense of honor. This might be the south, but we aren’t going to have a shotgun wedding.
“Jenna couldn’t make it, so I’m here to take you home,” he says, and unless I’m entirely wrong, he seems to be a little nervous.
Tauren Holt is the most confident person I know. He’s never nervous about anything or around anyone. He doesn’t get rattled, unless you count the fact he was obviously rattled after what my daddy and Deputy Moulder did to him, but who wouldn’t have been?
He crosses his arms and then uncrosses them, shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. His gaze shifts down to the pavement a moment before coming back to me.
He is definitely nervous, and it makes me smile. I finally put him out of his misery and get into his car, not offended that he didn’t open the door for me. If he wants to give me a ride home, I’ll accept it, because there’s no way I am walking after being on my feet all night.
He gets inside the car, and I can feel his eyes on me, on my belly, which has not grown any at this point. He cranks the car and eases out of the parking lot.
We used to have this comfortable silence between us, but now there’s this tension there. It makes it unbearable to sit in this car with him and not say anything.
“Missed you tonight,” I blurt out and then cringe at how that sounded. “I mean, you didn’t come in after the race like everyone else did.”
“I decided it would be best if I gave you some space while you were working.”
I shrug. “It’s a public place, Tauren. I can’t tell you not to come there.”
He glances at me and then back to the road. “You didn’t.”
“I won’t make things awkward for you and Abby,” I assure him. “I’ll stay out of the way.”
Aside from her snide comment last night, she hasn’t really said much else to me, but I’ve overheard her talking to the other waitresses, and she’s made it very clear that she and Tauren are a thing. Whatever that means.
“Helene, I’m not dating Abby,” he lets me know. “I haven’t dated anyone else since you.”
I slowly nod. I suppose you don’t call that dating if it’s nothing serious. I tell myself not to get angry, not to care, because we were not together, and I can’t be upset about the things he’s done with other people, but it frustrates me.
It hurts me.
“Okay, well, I won’t get in your way if you want to date her or do whatever it was you were doing with her.”
“Numbing the pain,” he mumbles.
“I’m sorry?” I ask him. “Are you telling me that having sex with other people numbed your pain? Hmm, maybe I should give it a shot.”
He shifts in his seat and keeps his stare forward. He shouldn’t take me seriously. I would never have sex with random people like that, and he should know that.
“How are we supposed to do this?” he asks, changing the subject. “Raise a baby together if we can’t even sit three feet from each other and have a civil conversation?”
“Parents who aren’t together raise children all the time.”
“Is that what you want, Helene? Our child growing up in a broken home?”
He pulls to a stop in front of Jenna’s house, and I can see that she isn’t home, which isn’t unusual. I fish my keys out of my purse and hold them in my lap.
“I’m not sure what I want right now, but I can’t pretend that I am alright with what happened between us. I can’t shove all that down inside me and put on a fake smile for everyone. I have lived like that for far too long.”
“Then don’t pretend!” he urges. “Helene, we were happy together, and that was taken away from us! We can get that back!”
“We can’t!” I argue with him and get out of the car, rushing across the yard.
“Why the fuck not?” he yells, following me.
“Because I can’t trust you!” I answer him, nearly choking on my words.
I step onto the porch, and he joins me, taking my hand. He brings his other hand up to cup my face and despite not wanting to, I feel myself press into his palm. He moves in closer, until I can feel his breath on my face.
“I love you, and I’m not giving up.”
He sounds so sincere, so earnest. I want to believe him. I would give anything to beli
eve him this time. He wipes away a tear I didn’t realize was falling.
I pull his hand from my face, and back away from him, putting my key into the lock and opening the door. He calls my name, pleading with me to wait, but I step inside the safety of the house and close the door behind me.
Chapter Sixteen
Tauren
The last time I was at church, I walked away from the best thing that had ever happened to me. I treated her as though she meant nothing to me. As though the night we spent together was any other night.
I broke her heart. Broke her.
Helene told me she couldn’t trust me, and I don’t blame her. I fucked up, fucked everything up. I thought I could chase away the thoughts of her with other women, but I couldn’t.
“Always said you had ginormous balls,” Kipton comments, walking up beside me.
“Well, it took me long enough to get back here.”
It’s been two weeks since my conversation with Helene. For a while, I thought it would be best to give her space. To back off and let her figure out whether or not she could forgive me. Trust me again.
I have watched from the sidelines as she’s settled into Jenna’s house. I have seen her coming and going to school, watching from the privacy of my bedroom window. I have seen her working at Happy’s, and although we’ve spoken in passing, I haven’t pushed her for answers. Answers about her feelings for me.
But I’ve been standing on the sidelines long enough, and I don’t want to keep doing that.
So, here I am at church, getting my life back together. Kipton and I stand in front of the church doors a moment, him allowing me time to gather my courage, and then we walk in together. It’s an eerie feeling walking into a room and knowing that every single person in it was gossiping about you.
I hold my head high, letting them know that I don’t give a fuck what they think about me. I came here today for one reason and one reason only, and it’s the only reason I was ever coming to church.
Helene Jacobs.
I’m only assuming she’ll be here, considering that she hasn’t missed attending on a Sunday since she was ten years old. Having the whole town know your dirty deeds probably won’t change that.
I sit down beside my daddy and wait for the choir to come out, anxious to see if she’s here or not. Like I figured, she walks out with the choir. She looks a little pale, and before they can even get into the choir loft, she’s breaking line and running toward the hallway. I start to stand up, but my daddy stops me.
“It’s only morning sickness, son,” he assures me.
The only thing I can think of though is that Helene is sick and alone. I excuse myself, standing anyway, and go to the back hallway where the bathrooms are. They are communal bathrooms, each with multiple stalls, so I push open the door to the ladies’ room and see Helene’s feet sticking out from beneath one of the stalls.
Surprisingly, she didn’t lock it. Probably didn’t have time. I step inside the small space with her and gather her hair in my hands, not flinching at all as she vomits. When she finishes, she leans back, and I go grab her some paper towels to clean her face.
“Why are you in here?” she asks me, her voice weak.
“You were sick,” I answer, reaching over and tucking her hair behind one ear.
“It’s morning sickness,” she replies. “That happens to last all day.”
“Anything I can do?” I ask her, and she shakes her head. “I need to be part of it all, Helene. The good parts and the bad. I need to be there.”
“I have an appointment Thursday. It’s the first appointment. You can come if you want to.”
“I’ll be there for every appointment,” I promise her. “I failed you before, but I won’t fail our kid. I won’t fail you again.”
She starts to smile but then her face pales, and she goes for the toilet again. I gather her hair in my hands again and stay with her. If I have to hold her hair while she vomits to earn her forgiveness, I’ll stay with her all damn day.
Helene
I step outside and try to ignore the way my heart skips a beat at the sight of Tauren. The way my stomach flutters. The way my mouth waters.
I told him my appointment was at ten and he promised to get to the campus as soon as my first class was over so that he could take me. I walk over to him, and he opens the door for me, letting me slide into the seat before he closes it and goes around to the driver’s side.
“Okay, so what do we expect today?” he asks me. “An ultrasound? Exam? Do we want to know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
I laugh at his enthusiasm. “It’s too early to determine the sex of the baby. We might not even get an ultrasound. I have no idea. I don’t know how any of this works.”
“Will it be one of those ultrasounds on your abdomen or one with those wand things that they stick inside you?” he questions, and I gulp. “I’ve been reading everything I can find on the internet since Sunday.”
“Well, I prefer the ultrasound on my stomach, so hopefully that one.”
Now I’m nervous that the doctor is going to stick some wand thing inside me while Tauren is standing there. I’m worried he’s going to stick some wand thing inside me period.
“Are you going to wait in the lobby or were you wanting to come inside with me?” I ask him, biting my bottom lip.
“Oh, I want to be in the room with you,” he answers. “If that’s okay.”
“Are you sure? I mean, I don’t know what’s going to happen in there.”
He smiles over at me, a genuine smile that reaches his eyes. “I don’t want to miss anything, Helene.”
I feel a broken piece of me work its way back into place. I’m not certain which piece it is or how big, but a part of me doesn’t feel quite so broken anymore. I remind myself that I can forgive Tauren on my own time and there’s no time stamp on how little or long that’s supposed to take.
“Can I tell you something?” he asks me, and I nod. “I love your red hair, but I don’t know if I want our kid to have red hair.” I gasp and try not to laugh. “You know how kids can be to gingers. At least, I know how I was until you came along.”
“Oh, you still picked on me, Tauren, but I never took you seriously because you were always smiling when you would call me Pippi Longstocking.”
“See, that was a nice insult. They’re much worse than that now, and I don’t want our kid being bullied. We are not going to have our kid being called “carrot top” or “tampon head.” I am not opposed to kicking a kid’s ass.”
“Tampon head? That’s awful!” I giggle. “I would let you kick a kid’s, you know, behind, if they called our child a tampon head.”
“Thank God you’re the mama to my kid, Helene,” he grins. “She’ll know to say behind instead of ass.”
“Yeah, we don’t want her going around saying the things you say.”
It occurs to me that we are both referring to our unborn child as being a girl. I don’t call Tauren out on it though. I’m not even sure why I said it, but it seemed natural.
But I would be fine with having a daughter. An adorable, redheaded little girl like me.
And I dare someone to call her a tampon head. Her daddy would not appreciate that.
“This is it,” Tauren announces and finds us an empty parking spot.
We go inside together, and I fill out some paperwork before getting called back. Tauren is practically plundering in the exam room while we wait on the doctor to come in. He grabs a pair of gloves from the box on the counter and tugs them on, a mischievous grin on his handsome face.
“Lie back, Ms. Jacobs, and let me examine you,” he instructs, popping the glove against his skin.
I shake my head, maintaining my straight posture. He approaches me, arching an eyebrow, and snakes his hands beneath my knees. I shriek as he pushes me back, grabbing his shoulders so that I stay upright.
“No! Oh my God! No!” I protest, laughing, and he lowers my legs back down so that I can sit up again.
He licks his lips and leans down. I do absolutely nothing to stop him, knowing he’s about to kiss me. I’ve missed the touch of his lips. Touch of his hands.
I close my eyes, but they fly open when the doctor knocks on the door and opens it, coming inside. Tauren quickly steps back and crosses his arms, the gloves still on his hands.
“Ms. Jacobs, Mr. Holt,” Dr. Newlin puts his tablet on the counter and greets us. “It’s good to see you both.”
He takes a seat on a stool and picks up his tablet, reading through what must be the medical questionnaire I completed.
“So, you believe you’re about ten weeks or so, is that correct?” he asks, and I nod.
“I, um, we were, um, active about that long ago, um, ten weeks. Maybe eleven. Just the one time,” I explain, unsure of why I feel the need to tell him it only took once.
“That’s all it takes,” he replies. “I’ll get my nurse, Charlotte, in here and we’ll do some blood work first.”
Tauren slips the gloves off his hands while Dr. Newlin goes to get Charlotte. When he comes back into the room, I recognize her as a member of our church. She gives us both a warm smile as she draws my blood.
Dr. Newlin lets us know he’s going to go check on his other patients while we wait on some of the test results. We sit in silence, neither of us joking or playing around. Both of us on edge about the tests being run.
“Well, Helene, you are indeed pregnant. I expect your baby to make his or her arrival around Christmas day,” Dr. Newlin says. “Your iron levels look great, so I’m going to put you on a standard prenatal vitamin. I didn’t see where you listed that you were on any medications, and during your pregnancy, you are limited to this list.”