God, I couldn't wait to kill Sokolov.
I made one final arrangement and closed my laptop.
I took extra side streets on the way to my house, prolonging the drive. The house was dark as I drove up. I wasn't surprised. She often sat in the dark. The garage door opened, and not for the first time, I wished the woman I met was inside waiting for me.
She was staring out the window when I walked in. She didn't even look up and acknowledge that I was home. That burned too.
"Alex."
Nothing.
"Dammit, Alex, look at me. I need to talk to you."
She turned her head from the window to look at me and stared silently. I knew her voice worked, so her silence only infuriated me more.
I sighed. I shouldn't be annoyed. I knew more than most people the lasting effects PTSD could have on someone. But I got help. It was like she wouldn't even try.
"I have to leave for a few days, maybe a week. I'm going to leave early in the morning." I watched for a reaction to see if that even made a difference to her.
Nothing.
Again, that burned.
She was gone.
"Charlie and Gun are going to come and stay with you."
Her eyes widened the smallest amount. I kept talking. "Gunner, Shane and I are going, along with Knuckles and Donnie. We're going to steal your grandfather's fortune."
Nothing.
"It will be your money, but the club will want a take."
"I don't want it," she said quietly. Even though it was quiet, it was still her voice. I struggled not to close my eyes and savor the sound.
"There's enough there that even our take will be worth it." I ignored her protest. "You'll be safe in the house, but we don't want you three to leave while we're gone. We'll have men stationed around the house for added security. You'll be safe."
Her eyes winced as I said that word. Safe.
There was nothing else from her. I waited to see if she would say anything. I stared at her, pleading for her too. She didn't.
I couldn't keep living like this.
I moved to her on the couch and sat beside her.
"Maybe while I'm gone, you can figure out what you want to do? I can't seem to help you, and each day you seem more and more distant. I don't know what to do. Gunner suggested that maybe we see about moving you to an in-patient mental health facility. Do you think that would help?"
Still fucking nothing.
"I'd do anything to have you back. Fuck, I'd take the promise of you."
I got nothing again. I hung my head low and briefly thought of her broken in the shower after we rescued her. I thought of how it felt like I left a piece of her there, and I blamed myself for that. I thought I was helping Alex. Maybe since the moment I rescued her, all I'd really been doing was holding on to her. Maybe it was really time to set her free.
That burned so badly, and she didn't fucking care. Who the fuck was I?
Without another look from her, I stood and walked away, and went to my room to pack a bag. I knew this trip would be dangerous. I knew that there were risks, but a small part of me wondered if something happened to me, if she'd even care, and that was fucked.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Alex
"Bye, Alex."
Ace stood in the doorway. There was a large black duffle bag in his hand. He was watching me, always with his eyes so fixated on me. I felt like shit after he spoke to me last night. I could see I was causing him pain, and I hated hurting him. I was going to think about Gunner's suggestion. Maybe I was crazy? If I were there, at least I couldn’t hurt him anymore..
Even now, he was leaving, and I knew there was a chance he wouldn't come back, and I couldn't say anything.
He sighed, turned, and walked out the door. It was like there was this barrier, and when I wanted to use my voice to tell him I still saw him and that I still cared about him, I just couldn't.
I sat at the window and watched as his truck backed out of the driveway. His tires made lines in the dusting of snow. He didn't look up to watch me like he usually would, and that stung. Maybe I'd pushed him away for the last time.
I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I heard the garage door open. I knew it was Charlie and Gun. I stood and tried to smile for Gun's sake. It was forced, and I heard Charlie yell, "Gun get the last two bags from the car. Sit down, no need to get up on my account. How are you today?"
I gave a small wave.
"Well, not me. I'm shit. The idea of them going back to that country scares the fuck out of me. I canceled my classes until further notice, and some of my clients were pissed."
"Who'd you piss off, Mom?" Gun asked, walking in with the bags his mom had asked him to get.
"Mouth, Gun," she gritted. "Did you get your XBOX?"
"No," he groaned, then left the room again.
"I get it that the club spent their bankroll on us, but I'd rather them be broke than going back to that place. It still gives me the shivers."
I hadn't even thought about how much money it must've cost to rescue me the first time, let alone the second. I also hadn't thought about how much danger they were all in again, because of me. I didn't say anything, but she must've seen something in my expression that I didn't mean to portray.
"I'm sure they're going to be fine. I need to stop worrying. Have you eaten?" She went to the fridge and opened it.
I shook my head, not that she could see me with her head stuck in the fridge.
"There's not much here."
Gun walked back in carrying his XBOX. "Honey, why don't you call Reggie and see if he'll make a grocery store run for us. I should've thought about that before heading over here. It's just that there wasn't much notice, and then I was up with Gunner saying goodbye for a good portion of the night."
Gun grabbed a phone from his pocket.
"I know what you're thinking. He is way too young for a phone, but sometimes Gunner gets something in his head, and there is no talking him out of it."
She poured herself a cup of coffee and then began searching for the creamer. "Ugh. There's nothing to put in this. Do you want it, Alex? Otherwise, I'm just going to pour it down the drain."
I was looking at Gun trying to set up his XBOX and struggling, so I didn't answer Charlie.
"Is that what it's like all the time for Ace?" she snapped, and it surprised me. "He asks you questions, and you can't even answer?" Great, she was already irritated with me. It was going to be a long day.
"Sorry," I whispered and got up from the couch and moved to the guest room that I now stayed in alone. I pushed him out of there until he got the hint, and finally went back to his own room.
I must have dozed off, because I blinked and heard voices coming from the kitchen, one of which was a man's.
I got up to see what was happening and was shocked to see Reggie and Gun playing XBOX in the living room. Charlie's back was to me, because she was washing dishes at the sink.
I hadn't seen Reggie since I got back. He had wanted to stop by, but I had declined. Now, here he was playing video games with Gun. He appeared to be okay. There was a patch over one eye, but other than that, everything seemed fine. The shock that he was okay felt like a punch to my gut. I don't know why but even though they told me he was okay, all I kept thinking about was him slumped over the steering wheel bleeding.
I gasped unintentionally, and got Reggie's attention. I was so not prepared for this. Reggie paused the game and put a hand on Gun's shoulder, alerting him of my presence. Gun had also changed how he behaved around me. He wasn't as carefree as he was, when I first met him.
"Alex," Reggie said, standing. "It's nice to see you."
I moved to him slowly and cupped the side of his cheek with my palm. "I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling my chin quiver. The guilt was too much.
"You didn't shoot me, so nothing for you to be sorry about." He shrugged, making light of the situation. "Besides, chicks dig scars, and I'm hoping when they transplant an eye, I'll
get a blue eye so that way I have one brown and one blue. Thinking the ladies will eat that up."
Gun laughed, "That would be cool. Do you think I could get two different colored eyes?"
"Sorry, bud. Reggie gets to be unique in that way. And Reggie, you'll get what you get," Charlie teased entering the conversation.
They were all so casual about it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. If they could be light-hearted about it, why couldn't I?
I gave Reggie a weak smile and sat at one of the stools at the island between the kitchen and living room. I was trying to be present, but found it very difficult. It was like I was in darkness, and had no hope at finding even a glimmer of light. No matter how many times I tried, I was still in the dark.
"I'm making lasagna. Are you hungry?" Charlie asked, handing me a steaming cup of tea. I wasn't much of a tea drinker, but I accepted it and silently thanked her by raising my cup and giving her a slight dip of my chin.
"Alex, are you hungry?"
Whoops, I must've forgotten to answer her. The game started back up in the background, and I realized she was standing there waiting for me to say something.
"Sure," I whispered.
"It will be done in a few minutes. Do you want to get the plates out and help me serve these guys?"
I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to go back to my room and fall asleep, but I didn't. I got up and grabbed a few plates. Charlie was opening a bottle of wine.
"Would you like some?" she asked.
Did she not get that I just wanted to be left alone?
She stared at me again, hoping I would give her something. I finally gave her a slight shake of my head. We ate, and I wished I had it in me to tell her how delicious it was. Gun and Reggie were more than a little grateful, and I knew they weren't exaggerating. They joked and talked while we ate. I remembered how Gun made me laugh that first time we were all here. I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying. I was lost in my own thoughts, when Gun nudged my arm.
"Aunt Alex?"
I looked at him, but didn't say anything.
"Are you ever going to be like before? Mom was quiet when the bad man hurt her, but she got better. Are you going to get better?"
I didn't know how to answer him, but it all hurt so badly.
"Gun," Charlie admonished, "We talked about this." She gave him a stern look.
"I know Mom, but it's so weird. It's like she's a zombie."
That was another blow.
I put my hand on his shoulder and did what I could do, "I'm sorry," I croaked, then got up and walked back to my room.
I needed to think about going somewhere to get help. I couldn't go on like this. I didn't even want to.
I was lying on the bed when there was a knock on the door. I didn't acknowledge it. It wasn't that I didn't want to answer them. It was just that each time I opened my mouth to speak, I felt immeasurable pain.
"Can I come in?" Charlie asked.
I did nothing.
She sat down on the corner of the bed, sighing loudly. "He didn't mean any harm. He just wants you back. We all do. I don't know if Ace told you, but your brother thinks you need to go into a hospital. I don't know if that's the way to go. One of my clients was talking to me about a non-profit she volunteers for. It's a few hours west of here. The house is for women who were sex trafficked. I know you weren't trafficked, but everything else for you was practically the same, if not worse. The women live together and learn how to reassimilate. It's a deep therapy program that is completely secret, so is its location. It's one of the ways that helps women. No one knows where they are, and it gives them a safety net that they otherwise can't find. I'm going to leave some information on it. You don't have to do this, but I think it might help more than going to the hospital. I hope that you can see that the way you're living right now isn't working." She bent over me, and kissed me on my cheek. "Think about it."
I thought about it after she left, and I looked at her brochure. I thought about staying here and how all I would do was hurt Ace and everyone else who expected me to be better. The thought of going into a hospital felt like I would be putting myself into a prison. I read over the two-page brochure repeatedly. There were testimonials of women forced into prostitution and how they felt suicidal and how the program changed their life. It was well into the middle of the night when I decided that it was my best option if I was going to survive.
I took out a paper and pen and wrote a letter to Ace. I wanted to leave tomorrow because I feared if I stayed here any longer, I might decide to make a decision that I'd thought about too many times in my life. I would end it. I knew it down to my bones when I read the testimonials. That was where my head was at. I just hadn't admitted it, but it was going to happen and soon. So, I had to leave. The choice became so clear. I had to leave, or I'd wind up ending it. I didn't want to die; I just saw no other way.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ace
"Fuck, that hurts." Shane bellowed, and I knew exactly what he meant.
"Hold on. One more stitch and it will be closed." I was stitching up a bullet wound on Shane's shoulder. It was deep, and his skin was sliced open, but at least all he needed was stitches. I had a fragment of a bullet stuck in my leg, I was sure of it. I had tried to fish it out, but somehow the damn thing broke apart once I grabbed it. It hurt like a bitch. I couldn't do much about it now.
We were flying back to Ohio, and we were all in pretty bad shape. We were breathing, and that's what mattered.
Our mission was complicated, and shit didn't go as planned. There was no sign of Sokolov, but we ran into another Cartel who had the same idea as us. Too many bullets flew from every direction. Greedy sons of bitches, all of us.
In the end, we got out, and we got out with the money. We let them all think we were Hades Runners too, so hopefully, it would never be traced back to us. If it was, we'd have some dangerous enemies.
I pulled the needle through, and Shane hissed, then asked Gunner, "What's the total?"
"I'm at eight and a half right now."
"Hundred Grand?" Knuckles asked.
"Million," Gunner replied.
The men looked at the pile Gunner still had to count, and then a few of them erupted in cheers. We decided our take would be twenty-five percent. But that kind of money was still huge.
My mind drifted to Alex. I wondered if Charlie was able to get through to her at all. I wondered if being around Gun had helped or if it was more of the same. What would she do with all of this money? Would she disappear? The more I thought about the money, the more I feared that that might be the outcome.
If I had to worry about her leaving, then I knew she was no longer mine. And that sucked. I suppose she'd never really had been, but there was the idea of us that I thought we both wanted. I wished she would just say something. I think I have to let her go. It fucking sucks, but it is the only thing I think I can of to do for her. It feels like the more I've tried to hold on, the more I've lost her.
"How's your leg?" Shane asked, taking me from my thoughts.
"It's a walk in the park," I chuckled. It was definitely worse than that.
He nodded, "That bad, huh?"
I gave him a tight smile.
"You think Oksana can take care of it?" he asked.
"Doubtful. I'll probably need it fished out by a surgeon, but we'll see."
"How long until we land?" Gunner asked.
I looked down at my watch. "It should be about another two hours."
"What time will it be there?" Knuckles asked, "I never get that time change shit right."
"Just after nine in the morning," I replied. "I'm going to close my eyes 'til we get there." I didn't want to tell them how much my leg actually hurt. I'd been through much worse.
"I hear you, brother. I could use some rest," Shane replied, looking around the plane, hoping that the rest of the guys would get the hint and keep quiet.
My eyes grew heavy, and I thoug
ht more about Alex. What version would I have of her when I got back? Would time have helped? Should we send her to an in-patient facility somewhere? Then, my mind moved back to that shower. Water had soaked us, and I'd lost her.
Fucking lost her.
"CHARLIE WILL BE HERE any minute," Gunner said to Donnie, who was picking up a bunch of the men from the small airfield.
I'll call you later tonight," Donnie said, starting the SUV and rolling up his window.
Shane lit a cigarette and bounced lightly on his heels. I knew it was an attempt to stay warm. It must've dropped forty degrees since we left. It didn't matter. Knowing Ohio, it would probably be sunny and warm tomorrow.
It was quiet. The only sound was the engine of the SUV pulling away. The sky was white and we could all still see our breath from the cold, even though it was well past dawn. It would be months before it was warm enough to ride. Maybe I could get Alex to take a trip with me in a few months, and we could go to Daytona. They had a kickass bike week. Not as big as Sturgis, but it didn't matter. Sturgis wasn't until August. I wondered if she'd like that. I had to stop fantasizing about shit like that. I was kidding myself. Alex wouldn't want to ride on a bike with me. She could barely stand being in the same room as me.
Charlie pulled up, and I was surprised to see she was alone. "Want to drive?" she asked, hopping out of the truck and into Gunner's waiting arms.
He stretched out his hand for her to hand him the key.
"Where's Gun?" he asked.
"You said everything was good. So, he's at school."
He nodded, and I could see a little disappointment on his face. I knew he’d missed his son. We shuffled into Gunner's truck, and I was glad that it had a huge extended cab. Otherwise, there was no way that I would fit. Shane sat beside me, pulled out his phone, and looked irritated as he texted. It was strange because he was so even-keeled all the time; few things rattled him.
Explosive (A Bleeding Scars MC) Page 19