Love Me to Death

by Susan Gee

  Mr Anderson would complete the next doll tonight. He itched to have the wooden handle of the knife in his hand again and the rush that would inevitably follow. When the sound of a car engine came from next door, Mr Anderson watched the headlights light up the road as Jacob’s stepmother drove away in the same direction that Jacob had gone. Mr Anderson looked up at the clock and noted the time. Listening, as the sound of the engine faded and the street once again fell into silence. Jacob’s stepmother was on the edge of his thoughts too and Mr Anderson knew that meant something. He thought about her white porcelain skin. The skin that was so flawless, that it could be belong to a china doll. He glanced up at the ceiling to where his mother’s bedroom was.

  There was a brown suitcase in her room, a battered old leather case on the top shelf of the wardrobe where she kept the collection of dolls from her childhood. It was still there. He would never move it. Never.

  His mother had shown him the dolls a couple of times, but he was never allowed to touch them. She’d sat him on the bed as she slowly opened the lid. It felt like something special. There were so many dolls: small wooden dolls, dolls with leather faces, fabric dolls, dolls with painted lips and dolls with delicate limbs held together with thread. Intricately detailed. All laid out in the little suitcase side by side. Staring up from the suitcase with their blank empty eyes. She loved those dolls so much. She treasured them, while he meant nothing to her.

  When the house was his, he’d taken the suitcase and opened the lid. Feeling the excitement of finally being able to have them in his hands. As he’d done it, it felt wrong. He had imagined his mother waking from wherever she was, coming to grab him from behind and drag him down to the cellar again. He’d shut the lid quickly and put them back. The dolls remained locked away in her wardrobe next to the lavender filled pouches she had hung up with her clothes, where they would remain. He wasn’t going to upset her, even now. The thought of her coming back to chastise him made him feel like a child again. He wanted to slip down into the darkness and hide. As the chill of the air hit his skin, he shut his eyes. He was OK. She wasn’t here. He was alone.

  Mr Anderson looked over at his own clay creation. There was something about the white figure that gave him a sense of peace. He stayed in the room until the light faded, and even when the bare trees were swallowed by the blackness he didn’t move. He stood in the darkness and waited, as still and lifeless as one of his dolls until he felt his eyelids start to close. In the room, the legs of the clay figure were as white as polished bones.

  The next person was near. Close enough that if he took once step closer, they would feel his breath on the back on their neck. They were his. He was coming for them. The family must be completed.

  31

  By the time Jacob Clarke made it to the Vincents’ house he was sweating and out of breath. As he stood in front of the peeling paint on the green front door, he lifted up his hand to knock, but before he could bring down his hand, the door opened. Mrs Vincent was stood in the doorway, her hair up in a neat ponytail and a pinny around her waist.

  ‘Jacob, how nice to see you.’

  Jacob smiled back, he couldn’t help it. Mrs Vincent wasn’t like the rest of them, she was always nice to him.

  ‘Is Matty in?’ he asked.

  ‘Sure, come in,’ she told him.

  Jacob stood in the hall as she shouted up the stairs. On the way there, Jacob had imagined himself confronting Matty, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking the truth out of him, but now as he stood behind Mrs Vincent in their pastel-coloured hallway, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He hoped they didn’t know it was him who phoned the police, but they wouldn’t do. It was anonymous and maybe they hadn’t even been yet. He thought about phoning again on his way home to make sure. He could tell them more now. They needed to know about Matty and Jayne.

  Matty came down the stairs. He looked tired, not himself. He hadn’t looked himself for a while, Jacob thought. It made sense now. He looked like he had things on his mind and that was because he did. He had Jayne on his mind and everything he’d done to her.

  ‘Alright?’ he asked him.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘I’ve got stuff to do. I’m not coming out,’ Matty said, as though Jacob normally came round for him.

  ‘I just wanted to talk to you,’ Jacob said.

  ‘What about?’

  Jacob turned to look over his shoulder at Mrs Vincent and she laughed.

  ‘OK boys, I know when I’m not wanted. Give me a shout if you want an orange or some biscuits. I’ve plenty in.’

  Jacob watched as she went back into the kitchen and shut the door.

  ‘What is it?’ Matty asked.

  ‘I know,’ Jacob told him.

  It felt good to say it. He’d been waiting for a long time to get rid of Matty Vincent and he was finally going to get his chance.

  ‘What you on about?’

  ‘You know what I’m talking about.’

  Jacob could feel the adrenaline pump through his body. He thought he would feel afraid, but he didn’t. As he stared into Matty’s pale blue eyes he didn’t see anything there. There was nothing that gave him away, that must have been why Jayne trusted him to take her to the woods that day. She wouldn’t have known what he was capable of. Jacob felt brave. He just wanted to see his face so that he knew. He just needed to know for himself.

  ‘I really don’t. Are those Maggie’s poems?’ he asked.

  Jacob couldn’t believe that he knew what was in her book. ‘Have you read them?’

  ‘Some. She never stops with it. What’s this about?’ Matty held out his hand. ‘Here, I’ll give it to her.’

  Jacob held tight to the book. ‘You and Jayne. My dad saw you together.’

  The colour drained from Matty’s face. ‘Just leave it, Jacob.’

  Jacob laughed. ‘I knew it.’

  He’d been scared that Matty would turn on him, but now he knew the truth it didn’t matter. His dad was right about him after all and when Maggie realised what he’d done she’d never want to see him again. Matty was bigger and stronger and Jacob wondered if he’d try to do the same to him as he did to Jayne. He felt braver knowing that Mrs Vincent was next door though, he knew that he couldn’t do anything to him while she was there.

  ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘I think I do.’

  Matty Vincent was so white that Jacob wondered if he was going to faint.

  ‘You need to leave it,’ Matty told him.

  Jacob shook his head. Did Matty really think that it was easy as that? He’d just forget about it and it would go away?

  ‘Maggie’s going to live in Scotland because of you.’

  ‘I said leave it, Jacob.’

  ‘I’m just letting you know. If you don’t go to the police today that I’m going to do it for you.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You heard me. I’m going to tell them.’

  ‘Tell them what?’

  ‘Tell them about you and Jayne.’

  ‘If you do that, I’ll smash your face in.’

  Jacob took a step back. ‘I don’t care. You’re not getting away with it.’

  Matty pushed him back into the wall, his hand heavy against his chest and Jacob realised how strong he was. He tried to push back, but he could hardly move with Matty’s full weight on him. Maggie’s book pressed against him through his pocket. He wondered if she’d let him read her poems or if she’d left them here and he’d read them. Maybe they were all about him. The thought made him angry and he pushed back harder.

  ‘Keep your gob shut or I’ll shut it for you.’

  Jacob could feel the weight on his chest and he wondered if this was how Jayne had felt. If he had held her down like this so that she couldn’t breathe, if this was the last experience she’d had. The smell of Matty Vincent’s deodorant and his cheap aftershave.

  ‘Get off,’ he tried to shout, but the words sounded weak like he didn’t m
ean them.

  There was a sound from the kitchen and Matty pushed his face so close to Jacob’s that he could almost taste his breath.

  ‘Keep it shut if you know what’s good for you.’

  There was a creak from upstairs and Mr Vincent appeared at the top of the stairs. When he saw what was going on, he ran down and Matty released Jacob before he’d even reached the bottom. He stepped back to look at him from across the hall. His eyes darted between the pair of them.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Mr Vincent shouted.

  The sound of his voice made Jacob jump; if he was scared of Matty then his dad was worse. He looked madder than ever, his hair all stuck up as his eyes went from one of them to the other. Jacob half expected to be dragged into one of the rooms and to get the belt off him like he’d heard he did to the Vincent boys.

  ‘What’s all the noise?’ said Mrs Vincent as she came through to the hall.

  Matty pointed at Jacob. ‘He’s going.’

  ‘What’s happening?’ she asked. ‘Jacob?’

  Jacob looked from one to the other. He was trapped in the middle of the three of them, but all he knew was that Matty wasn’t going to get away with what he’d done. If he could stop Maggie going then he would do anything he could to keep her there. He didn’t care what they did to him, it didn’t matter.

  ‘I’m going to the police,’ he said.

  ‘Jacob?’

  Jacob looked back at Matty. ‘Ask him. I’m sorry, Mrs Vincent.’

  Jacob walked past her through the hall and let himself out. He half expected someone to pull him back and stop him going, but they didn’t. He wondered what Matty was telling them, if they were about to hear the truth about what their son was really like. He thought about the red shoes that Jayne had been wearing and it made sense to him. No doubt they would have come from one of Matty’s dad’s cheap boxes of tat that he sold to the local shops. Matty must have given her a pair as a present.

  As he walked down their path, he resisted the urge to run. He knew where he was going though. He was going straight to the nearest phone box. As he walked towards the shops, he wondered why Matty hadn’t come after him. Maybe he’d been waiting for this moment. Perhaps he wanted it to happen. When he got to the phone box, he dialled the number and waited for the words:

  ‘Hello, which area and which service?’

  ‘Police. Stockport.’

  After he’d made the phone call he felt as though a great weight had lifted. That was it, they knew and it was done. As he stood there, he knew that he had to make one more call. He had to tell Maggie before anyone else did. He wondered if Matty had already rung her, if he’d made some lies up about what had happened. It didn’t matter though, he could say whatever he wanted to. It wasn’t going to change anything now. This was it for him. It was all over. Maggie would stay now, they’d have to, they’d want to know what happened and that there was no need for them to go anymore. It was all going to get sorted out. As Jacob dialled her number he couldn’t wait to hear her voice and tell her.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi, it’s me.’

  ‘Oh hi, Jacob. Look, I’m in the middle of packing so I can’t come out.’

  ‘No, I know. I just wanted to tell you something.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Can I come round? It’s about Jayne.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’

  Her voice changed and he could hear the anger in it down the phone. ‘What is it, Jacob?’

  ‘I’ll come round now.’

  ‘Just tell me. I don’t want anyone round.’

  Jacob sighed. He’d wanted to tell her in person so that he could hug her afterwards. He’d wanted her to appreciate this moment forever, when she realised everything that he’d done for her.

  ‘Matty was seeing her.’

  ‘And?’

  This wasn’t what he’d expected.

  ‘He was seeing Jayne, going out with her.’

  ‘So what? Is that it?’

  ‘You knew?’

  ‘Of course I knew. Fuck’s sake, Jacob, I’m not stupid.’

  Jacob felt the sweat on his forehead.

  ‘I thought it was a secret.’

  ‘Well, it wasn’t a very good one. Now can you fuck off and leave me alone? I’ve got to get my stuff together. I can’t wait to get away from here so I don’t have to listen to any more of this bullshit.’

  ‘But I’ve got your—’

  As she put the phone down, he stared at the receiver. She knew. Maybe all of them had known. Jacob walked out of the phone box with his head spinning. He felt the weight of the book in his pocket. All of Maggie’s words, the thought of her hands on the paper and the way her eyes narrowed as she thought of what to write. He should have told her that he’d got it and then she’d have insisted he came around. He couldn’t let it end like this. It wasn’t how it was meant to be.

  *

  As Jacob walked up the road, he heard a car beside him and he turned towards the road, ready to run, expecting to see Mr Vincent’s face and a shock of red hair ready to tackle him and drag him back to their house. When he looked, there was a white car alongside him and it pulled over just past where he was. He recognised it straight away. It was Paula.

  Jacob kept walking towards it as the driver’s door opened and Paula got out.

  ‘Get in,’ she said.

  ‘What for?’

  ‘Your dad needs to speak to you. I’ve been driving around looking for you.’

  ‘What about?’

  Jacob wondered if it was to do with the Vincents, but all he wanted to do was to get away from everyone.

  ‘Get in the car, Jacob, I need to take you home. Your dad’s asked me to get you,’ she ordered.

  There was a look on her face that made him walk towards the car. He opened the passenger door and got in the back seat.

  ‘Good.’ She nodded, as they drove away from Maggie’s house and back towards theirs.

  Jacob pictured Maggie at home now, placing her belongings in cardboard boxes, ready to leave. Her voice had sounded so angry. She sounded as though she couldn’t stand him. He was just making everything worse.

  Jacob looked back over his shoulder as Paula drove past their road.

  ‘You’ve missed it,’ he told her.

  ‘We’re going somewhere else first,’ she told him.

  ‘Where?’

  ‘You’ll see.’

  As they drove out of the town, up through the hills and through Stockport. Jacob didn’t care where they were going. He watched through the window as the houses and cars blurred past. She drove him further out and up towards the hills. They drove further out and the snow got thicker and deeper. There was no slush, or ice. It was thick snow that piled the side of the roads and mounds of it where people had tried to shovel it away and it had fallen again and again.

  When they got to Lyme Park, Paula turned off the engine.

  Jacob looked at her.

  ‘Out you get then,’ she said.

  ‘Isn’t it closed?’ he asked.

  ‘Come on, hurry up,’ she said. She opened her door and came around to the side of the car.

  ‘What are we doing here?’ he asked, as he got out of the car. It was colder up here, he could feel it as soon as he stepped outside, the drop in temperature.

  ‘You’ve been trying to turn your dad against me.’

  Jacob felt exhausted. He couldn’t bear to go through this again.

  ‘I haven’t.’

  ‘I know you have. I was there. Your little chats in the kitchen. That stops now.’

  Paula took a step towards him and slammed the door.

  ‘I haven’t…’

  Paula shook her head. ‘I won’t have it anymore. You running off and leaving the house. Telling your dad things behind my back.’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘It ends here.’

  ‘OK,’ he replied. He knew better than to argue wi
th her. He thought of the bikes in the shed, sat among cobwebs since she made sure there was always something else for his dad to be doing on a Sunday. They’d been playing Monopoly in the kitchen after she’d first moved in and she’d insisted on joining them. It wasn’t fun; he could feel her disdain even then as she threw the die towards him. Hating that he looked so much like his mother, hating that his dad wanted to be with him instead of her. His dad was oblivious. She hid it well, she could change, like putting on a coat and she was a different person in his eyes. He was blind to it.

  Jacob looked around, but there wasn’t anyone about. It was so quiet up here, there was nothing, not even a car going past.

  ‘Do you remember what they found up here?’ she asked.

  Jacob looked over his shoulder at the huge black iron gates and the fields of snow behind. Paula smiled and Jacob frowned.

  ‘Whoever did it might be still around,’ she told him. ‘They didn’t catch them.’

  Jacob swallowed. She walked around to the front of the car and got in. Jacob tried his door. It was locked.

  She wound down the window. ‘You can stay here for a bit. Think about what you’ve got,’ she shouted, through the window.

  ‘What?’

  She grinned. ‘I’m not having it anymore, Jacob.’

  The car engine started and Jacob tried the door again, but the car started to move. He stood there in the snow and watched as she pulled away, waiting for the car to stop, but it didn’t. It kept going. Jacob waited by the iron gates for the car to turn around and come back, but it didn’t. As he stood in the snow, his thoughts were on Maggie. Everything was so wrong. There was nothing. He had nothing. He waited for her to come back, but as the minutes passed, he wondered if she was ever going to come back at all and if he cared either way. He didn’t. She was always going to win, he didn’t stand a chance.

  32

  Paula leant against the worktop in the kitchen and watched Dave stir his bowl of soup. The window was frosted with ice. She went behind him and touched his shoulder. She felt him tense as she did it.