Healing Mr Darcy’s Heart

by Kay Mares

  Elizabeth takes his hand and lifts it while bringing it to her cheek. “Fitzwilliam, I so regret all I said to you. I based my opinions on prejudice and falsehoods. It is I who should seek your forgiveness, but to answer your queries, no we did not discuss our tumultuous past.” Elizabeth starts to cry as she tells him of his ramblings when the fever held him. “My words tortured you, Fitzwilliam, it was as though those accusations replayed in your mind over and over. You could not find rest from them nor the fever. I saw the anguish on your face and heard the angst in your voice. I did not believe my words would even touch you when I threw them at you. Instead, it seemed as if they were burned upon your soul. I cannot comprehend how I could have been so callous, especially now after knowing how much you care for others and how honorable you are. I cannot think of it without shame.” Elizabeth is openly crying, and Darcy moves to hold her in his embrace.

  “Elizabeth, please no more tears. I cannot bear to see you so distraught. As I have said before and I will tell you as many times as you need to hear it until you accept it as truth. You hold no blame; I must take all of it. I will not have you sad during this time when we should be celebrating our engagement. Even though we traveled a winding and difficult road to get to this point, we are together now, and I am sure of my love for you. I beg you Elizabeth to let these unpleasant memories go. We no longer are the same people as we were back then.” Elizabeth clutches at Darcy as he speaks. Darcy rubs his hand around her back as he continues to soothe her. At length, Elizabeth is calmed by both his presence and his words.

  “You must think me a ninny to cry so, but I cannot help it. I did not know you and sought to cause you pain rather than not. I will forever be grateful for your regard, you have honored me, and I am amazed you have never stopped loving me. I do not deserve you.” She chokes out the last sentence.

  “Elizabeth that is where you err. It is I who does not deserve you and your love.” Darcy releases Lizzy to see her face better. “As we have discussed, you saved me from a prideful existence, but I feel I must speak to you of my first proposal and some of my world. I am thankful you are not of the same circles as I and I do not mean that as an insult. I was foolish and ignorant of your worth, and your reproofs were apt.” Darcy draws a deep breath, gives Elizabeth a small tight smile and continues. “I never felt as if I am a member of the ton in spite of being a Darcy and all that comes with the name. I had an idea in my mind of the kind of woman I would choose for a wife. Above all, I wanted someone who would love me for who I am behind the title of Master of Pemberley. My parents made a most proper match but their marriage was based on love and mutual respect first. I saw the benefits of having my wife as a partner instead of a dependent. I would welcome discourse and discussion, intelligence and wit from my wife. I need and desire a woman with whom I could talk about important issues not just listen to inane chatter about fashion or gossip. The ton is full of women who are shallow and placating to a man simply to make a good match. These women care not for me, only what Pemberley can offer them. Miss Bingley is an almost perfect example of the type of ladies who sought my attention.”

  Darcy sighs deeply and fixes Lizzy with his gaze. “After assuming the mantle of command after my father’s passing, I had many men come to me with business offers which even a child could see would not benefit anyone but those who would seek me out for their financial gain. I became wary of most and jaded regarding the purpose of those who sought me out. These people figured since I was a young man of only two and twenty, I would be an easy mark. I learned well from my father, so I knew how to conduct business and the running of Pemberley. Those who tried some ruse or other on me found themselves surprised by me. I fostered the aloof, haughty manner which you well know and I developed an intimating posture which not only allowed me to survive in such a world but to thrive in it. Soon few wished to cross me.” A wry grin twists his lips.

  “Along the way, I lost myself. That persona I present to the world is not me. Like you, I love to laugh and enjoy what life has to offer. Not material wealth but the beauty of nature, the sounds of music and most importantly the love of a good and worthy woman. I was bitter and angry because such a woman never revealed herself to me.” Here he pauses. “Then there was you. Oh! I fought the attraction and made many excuses in my mind why we would not suit. I outlined them to you in my first insulting and frankly stupid proposal. The Colonel told me only I would insult a woman I loved by declaring all the objections to the match. He is right! Worse is the realization I acted exactly like those in the ton who only consider how a match might elevate their rank. I was no better than those I despised for their falseness and conniving ways. It was the most humbling experience of my life.” Darcy hangs his head.

  “I was cruel to you. I was selfish and never considered making a match with you then would have led to misery for you. If you did not love me, you and I would never have found happiness. Both of us would have to love the other to have what my parents had. In my arrogance, I only considered my feelings, my thoughts, my wishes, and my own consequence. It was abhorrent behavior.”

  They sit in silence while the weight of Darcy’s words sinks in. Darcy feels a burden lift from him. He allows Elizabeth to hear his deepest thoughts and she does not turn from him. Rather she faces him and takes his face in both her hands to gaze deeply into his eyes.

  “Thank you for sharing with me what must have been a difficult confession. It makes me love you more because you trust me with your innermost thoughts and feelings. You and I have become one. I wish to be there for you, Fitzwilliam and I hope it does not sound foolish when I say I want to protect YOU from the rest of the world. It distresses me to think of what you went through alone with no one to stand beside you during your times of loneliness and despair. I want to be your partner and the woman of your dreams. I will be your hope.” Elizabeth stops while she looks at him shyly. “When I attended you during your illness, I told you I needed you but as you slipping into a deep sleep,” here she blushes as she falters for a moment, “I whispered to you that I loved you.” Lizzy sees the tenderness and warmth in his eyes as well as unending love. He reaches out to caress her cheek softly.

  “Since you told me of some of your struggles, I need to speak to you of some of my own. I better understand some of the world you grew up in, but there is another more intimate concern I have.” Elizabeth drops her gaze so she will not lose her nerve. “I do not know what to expect on our wedding night,” she whispers. “Ladies do not speak of such matters, and we are left to find out on our own…” her voice trails off.

  Darcy travels his fingers down her arm to her hand and squeezes it reassuringly. “Do not fret, My Love. I have a confession. I do not know what to expect either.”

  Elizabeth looks over at him puzzled. He is gazing at her with such softness and gentleness which gives her courage to speak again. “I do not understand. I thought it was the way of men to be worldly compared to women.” Elizabeth blushes as Darcy chuckles a little self-consciously.

  “Allow me to explain. As I have told you prior, the ton made me suspicious of others’ motives. I admit I have had, forgive me for saying so, women who offered themselves to me. Again, they had no care for me only what they could gain for themselves. You have said I have always acted as a man of honor and I like to think that is true. It would not be honorable to act in such a manner. I would be no better than those I looked down upon. I suppose you could call me a vain prig,” Darcy grins, then sobers, “Elizabeth, we will discover each other; I have no doubts we will do well together. Our love, honesty, and devotion to each other will allow for the natural physical expression of our love to triumph.” Darcy lifts the side of his mouth while allowing a little twitter, “I may not know exactly what to expect, but as with everything else in my life, I have become educated on the topic.” He pulls back from her a little with a smug grin.

  Lizzy’s eyes widen as she blushes, but his joke dispels much of the initial embarrassment and Elizabeth feels reassura
nce with his confession but still has one last source of unease. “Fitzwilliam, your levity is something I will treasure as you seem to know when best to employ it and your words bring me comfort. I believe I understand more about you. There is just one more issue. I do not mean to offend you nor offer any censure of my own. Again my knowledge of these matters is lacking, but I turn to you to help guide me.” Darcy focuses his gaze on her and gives her a squeeze to the hand once again to encourage her to continue. “I have heard from other women as well as from gossip admittedly, and many seem to think proper gentlemen keep mistresses. I understand if this is the way of landed gentry and I will learn to adapt but is it truly the way of all men?”

  Darcy releases a small laugh as he shakes his head. “Oh Lizzy, after my confession, you still felt the need to ask? I will answer you, and I am not at all offended. It is true it is the way of many men.” Darcy takes her chin in one hand and makes her look at him in the eyes so she will see the truth of his words. “But for this man, it is not so. I require one woman, and she is with me now. You are everything to me, my love and my life, before you, I was not living. I ached with loneliness which threatened to drown me. You came and saved me from that pit of despair, and I will never want for anything more as long as you are with me. Just as you told me at Netherfield, I will tell you – I need you, only you.” Elizabeth lays her head on Darcy’s shoulder while his arm encompasses her back. They sit in companionable silence. After a small amount of time, Darcy speaks again with his adorable lift to the side of his mouth. “I have one more confession for you. You understand my brooding and formidable posturing, but when it comes to the ladies, I have to confess that I am exceedingly shy.”

  Elizabeth peers at him, a tad bit surprised by his confession as she thinks of him as one of the most confident men she had ever met. Darcy chuckles as his shakes his head in the affirmative. “No truly, I am perfectly serious. Whenever I became most uneasy with unwanted and unwelcomed female attention, I utilized the servants’ passages to escape. Yes, Elizabeth, when at Pemberley, Darcy House or even Netherfield, I found I could simply disappear. Most would never suspect my ploy and I would not have to engage them.” As Elizabeth raises her brows, Darcy wiggles his and adds, “Why I have even used the tactic at Rosings to escape Lady Catherine. It vexed her so when she could not figure out how I eluded her.” Elizabeth giggles as he smirks. The man is unbelievable at times.

  When Jane and Bingley appear, it is to ask Darcy and Elizabeth if they would consent to dinner at Netherfield this evening. Mrs. Bennet’s consent is easy to obtain, and the gentlemen depart to alert the Netherfield staff of the additions to the meal while Jane and Lizzy prepare themselves for the upcoming carriage ride and dinner. Lizzy teases with Jane about her extended walk with Mr. Bingley and the slight blush Jane had on her cheeks. Jane comments that Lizzy appeared to have had quite a discourse with Mr. Darcy asking Lizzy if they sparred for verbal dominance. Lizzy chortles at Jane’s jest. “How well you know me, sister. No, we did not have a rousing discourse, rather we talked about our hopes for our future marital felicity.”

  Later at Netherfield, the couples along with Georgiana, Henry, the Hursts, and Caroline sit down to another of Miss Bingley’s extravagant suppers. “Georgiana, my dear, I hope you have enjoyed tonight’s offerings? I am sure it is nothing to what you would have ordered at Pemberley. I have always been in awe of the magnificent repasts I have been treated to in the past.” Caroline elegantly waves her hand about to indicate the table setting.

  Before Georgiana responds, Darcy answers Caroline. “You are in error Miss Bingley. While I do not doubt as to my sister’s capabilities, she has not had to serve in the role of Mistress. The Pemberley staff is aware of our desires, and the cook and kitchen staff have always exceeded our expectations.” Darcy assumes his tight-lipped scowl and lifts his chin which normally would have served as a warning, but Caroline is not to be deterred. She switches her method to demeaning Elizabeth’s perceived shortcomings instead.

  “Of course I can imagine such a refined lady as Miss Darcy would need no lessons to execute a gathering effectively, however, I imagine you, Miss Eliza, must have had limited experience in this regard?” Caroline sits back with a superior cast on her face sure Elizabeth will not know success in the interplay.

  “Again Miss Bingley, as my fiancé indicated before, you err. Both Jane and I have planned meals for the family and additional guests. Furthermore, our mother encouraged us to be a part of orchestrating purchases for not only the kitchen requirements but for housekeeping too. We were involved in all aspects of the Mistress’ duties while keeping accounts and ledgers to turn over to our father so he could follow the estate’s expenditures. It was a great help to him, and we both became very astute in producing a fine dining experience while never giving way to useless or gaudy displays.” Elizabeth delivers her lines coated in sweetness. Darcy never approved of the manner in which Caroline used the Bingley funds, but as he figured it is Bingley’s concern, he has not voiced his opinion. Henry grins at Elizabeth’s reference to Caroline’s showy arrangements, and he is not sure Caroline comprehends that she has been called out for it. However, Miss Bingley continues her doomed dialogue.

  “I am all surprised. I would not have thought Longbourn to have a large staff which you would be responsible for directing. And to do ledgers, I would not have considered the task to have fallen to you. Must be the country upbringing. I will give you some advice as to considering your staff once you are Mistress, Miss Elizabeth. Remember the first impression a person will have of your home is the staff member who greets them. It will do you well to make sure you have people who reflect the dignity of Pemberley and Darcy House.” Darcy is incensed at the cut to Elizabeth and also perturbed that Caroline’s remarks seem to hint she finds his staff lacking.

  “I found the staff at Pemberley to be exemplary, Mrs. Reynolds especially was most proper. While at Darcy House, the head housekeeper there, Mrs. Ball executed her duties with aplomb. I found her charming.”

  “That is all very well for you as you have not been as exposed to Society and its dictates as much as the rest of us have. But do you not think, for example, a housekeeper such as Mrs. Ball might not be the image you would want to be presented? A more stiff and formal, perhaps taller female would project the elegance of your new home?” Caroline hopes to lead Elizabeth to disparage Darcy’s staff to drive a wedge between them. What she does not count on is the umbrage Darcy feels nor does she see his eyes darken and his posture stiffen. Before he can lash out, Georgiana speaks up in a rare display of irritation. Georgiana is polite, but like her brother, she cannot allow someone so shallow to belittle any member of their beloved staff. She sits up straighter in her chair and addresses Miss Bingley directly.

  “I have had the pleasure of Mrs. Ball’s attention to the running of Darcy House for many years. Never once did it cross my mind to consider her person instead of her capabilities.” Georgiana looks at Elizabeth, “thank you Elizabeth for your kind words about our staff. They have served my brother and me faithfully through some very difficult times. We feel nothing but appreciation for their service.” Darcy and Henry look at each other. Elizabeth’s influence has given Georgiana the confidence to speak up. They are elated at her step forward.

  Henry notes Darcy’s continued annoyance, so he intervenes. “I say, Darcy; maybe you should consider some staff replacements. For example, in the foyer of Pemberley, you could probably use someone by the name of Mr. Hall. Seems apropos. In the stables, I am sure there must be a groomsman somewhere by the name of Stall. How about a Mr. Hunter to maintain the hounds? Perhaps there is a music master with the moniker of Keyes? Mayhap this would be the route Miss Bingley would have you take?” Darcy is at the end of his forbearance with Caroline. As he waits for Henry to finish, he sits with one hand pressed against his mouth while his other arm is extended upon the table and his fingers tap out a rapid and annoyed beat.

  Ignoring his cousin’s attempts at levity,
he drops both of his hands onto his lap then he addresses her. “Miss Bingley,” Darcy begins unemotionally while piercing her with a hard stare, “I trust you have no objections to the staff I employ?” Caroline shakes her head; no words can be formed as she is being subjected to Darcy’s full Master of Pemberley manner which brooks no opposition. Others at the table are to witness Darcy as he is in his business matters – cold, aloof and cunning. Georgiana sits back, allowing her brother to take control as Henry looks on with a small grin. Curiously Elizabeth watches as Darcy’s behavior changes.

  “Then I think it is reasonable to say you would find my choices to be superior and additionally well thought out?” Caroline only nods her agreement realizing to do anything other than agree would be an insult to Mr. Darcy’s care of his estates. “Good. Then I can also infer you would know I would be as exacting in my choice of who I would have as Mistress of those properties? As such, Elizabeth has exceeded my hopes. Should SHE decide to make changes to the staff, it will be her purview. Since I trust her with my heart, my sister, and my estates, you should have no more qualms as to her capabilities. Further advice from you will no longer be tolerated, am I clear?” Darcy bores into Caroline’s eyes with his. There is an icy blueness to them which chills Caroline. Louisa pays attention to the napkin in her lap while Mr. Hurst fills his plate as if nothing has transpired. Jane maintains her usual serenity and Bingley shrugs his shoulders as he sips wine. Since Caroline continues to pursue her oppugnant behavior especially towards Elizabeth, Bingley allows Caroline to taste Darcy’s ire. Caroline barely squeaks out a yes as Darcy returns to his meal, ignoring Caroline.