Healing Mr Darcy’s Heart

by Kay Mares

  Lizzy slowly eats her supper as she sits spellbound by her husband’s written thoughts. She chortles as Darcy recounts a raucous gathering of Henry, Colin, Jonesy, and Bingley. The men had a few drinks, and they decided to try to guess which animal would most likely match their personalities. Henry and Darcy declare Jonesy a sloth much to the gentleman’s dismay. Colin got off lightly considering they only tag him as a poodle due to his dandy-like ways. Darcy states Bingley is akin to a big delirious dog, bounding up to anyone with tongue lolling ready to make a new friend. His writings go on. Henry decided I was like a shark with black eyes, a soulless, cold beast preying in the depths of the ocean. So in keeping with his nautical theme, I informed him that he reminded me of a sea sponge. Just like the sponge readily absorbs water, Henry can absorb facts but again like the sponge which quickly dries up out of the water, so does Henry’s intelligence evaporate. Henry proved his lack of intellect by sputtering and blustering, so my point was carried.

  The recollections of Rosings are amusing to Lizzy as she learns of Darcy’s desire to capture her attention only. His faltering steps and planned meetings, while she walked, gave her cause to chuckle. He really did not know how to approach a woman and make his interest known. He wrote of his own mortification regarding Lady Catherine’s behavior. His embarrassment was acute, and he now could readily see that even he had relatives to be ashamed of. He wrote of his hopes that Elizabeth conceived of his regard and he planned out a proposal which he practiced and would give to Elizabeth on one of their rambles. Her absence from Lady Catherine’s tea time afforded him the perfect opportunity, and he hastened to Hunsford to claim her as his own. He wrote of his high hopes of capturing the magnificent Miss Elizabeth as his own.

  Another shock awaits Elizabeth when she sees he chronicled her reproofs of him without flaw on the pages. He agonized over what to put into his letter, trying to hold back the anger and hurt he felt. He ended this entry as thus: I have been foolish. So confident I was in my reception that I never considered Elizabeth’s desires. I have wounded the very woman I love. Also, she has been beguiled and deceived by Wickham. I can hardly lay blame for that at Elizabeth’s feet for he nearly was my own sister’s undoing. I have never felt the privativeness of my own soul until now. Elizabeth marks at the bottom of the page a single dried drop where moisture had fallen. As she traces it with her finger, the realization he had wept as he wrote her letter and these words tears at her heart.

  It is weeks later before he wrote again. He despaired of ever finding the happiness his mother had charged him to find. He worried too Georgiana would not know the joy of a man who cherished her. So convinced was he that he would be forever alone, he decided he would ensure Georgiana found a suitable match. Then he would teach her offspring how to run Pemberley, and maybe his worthless life would know some purpose. Elizabeth can hardly fathom the blackness Darcy felt.

  I will see to my sister’s happiness then I do not care if I leave this world. Who will wish to be around a bitter old man? My father would be disgusted by what I have become. Maybe by procuring contentment for Georgiana, I can partially fulfill my duties. I have rejoiced in my business acumen, patting myself on the back while Pemberley grew and thrived. I celebrated all the times I avoided crafty women with their charms to ensnare me. I thought myself above all others and have come crashing down so hard even alcohol cannot dull the pain. The only woman I have ever loved despises me, and it is all because of my own poor behavior. I cannot blame anyone but myself. I am a miserable, wretched creature. I shall never claim happiness with another, and that shall be my penitence for a life ill-lived.

  Elizabeth questions whether or not she should have started reading his journals but she is compelled, and besides even though she knows the eventual outcome, she wants to reach the end and Darcy’s salvation. Darcy did not elaborate on what Henry said to him the fateful day he visited, called to Darcy house by Georgiana who could no longer bear her brother’s suffering. Darcy described how he comforted Georgiana and rested her concerns that his foul mood was not related to her brush with Wickham. He wrote he admitted to both her and Henry he suffered a broken heart, apologized for his selfish behavior and vowed to be the brother Georgiana deserved and the confident Master many relied on. A small bit of his wit escaped him as he ended with, Henry Fitzwilliam is obnoxious.

  Further entries relate his recommitment to Georgiana and the estate, some foolishness with Jonesy and Henry and interestingly his annoyance with Caroline Bingley. Regarding Bingley, he only alludes that he will confess his sins to him. He further reveals he returned to the church and doing some of his best self-examinations there. Then the glorious day when he met Elizabeth at Pemberley. What rapture he was in but he could not, would not allow his foolish heart to hope. He wrote he is sure she did not hold him in disdain and how he employed ever power in his being to prove to her he had changed. He solicited her opinion and realized Elizabeth’s hesitation to praise Pemberley might be seen as a way to ensnare him. I wish she would ensnare me, I would allow any manipulation the lady cared to use, but Elizabeth would never stoop to those methods, she always spoke the truth. What a magnificent Mistress of Pemberley she would be. I would be the most fortunate of men to claim the affections of this superior woman. He wrote of his joy in introducing Georgiana to Elizabeth and the tiny flicker of hope in his heart which refused to die. He recalls the incomparable Elizabeth Bennet protecting his sister from Caroline’s cruelness.

  The next is his visit to the inn where Elizabeth stayed with her aunt and uncle. Her distress and tears ripped him but made his resolve to end her suffering resolute. What would Elizabeth have done if I crushed her to me while pledging my love and my devotion to see an end to her misery? I would have suffered a well-deserved slap to the face, but she will never know how I wanted to comfort her in that manner. Leaving her was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I needed to be about finding Wickham. Lizzy is left with no doubt about the pains he took to discover them, even finding Mrs. Younge who helped in the plot to seduce Georgiana. She sees the sums he laid out to guarantee a marriage when he was unable to persuade Lydia to return home. Then to attend the wedding of his worst enemy but he would do no less to assure himself all would transpire as he had laid out. Elizabeth must never know, she cannot accept me out of gratitude, it must be her love.

  He starts this next paragraph with his apology to Bingley and the relief he felt from telling his friend the truth. He praised Bingley’s forgiving nature and wrote of his desire to appreciate his friend more. His writings about Aunt Catherine’s visit are dry and pointed. He narrated his disgust with her pompous behavior and her belittling of Elizabeth. His vexation is evident throughout, but his last sentence holds a bit of ironic humor. Aunt Catherine who so loves to be of use to people will be most displeased to find out she was very useful in my seeking out Elizabeth to see if hope rested with her.

  There are only a short couple of sentences about the trip back to Netherfield then his nervousness about what awaited him there and his determination to repair the damage he caused to Bingley, Jane, and his own reputation. Then there are no new entries until after he was shot. It starts simply with a declaration which Elizabeth has to admit now seems a bit amusing. Being shot hurts!! I guess I have never contemplated this before. My recovery has not been without issue. Apparently, I had a fever which plagued me for a couple of days. At one point, my eyes opened, and I focused on the most marvelous site imaginable. Elizabeth was there! She mopped my brow and held my hand, and even my feverish mind grasped onto the fact the emotion in her fine eyes was one of caring and dare I hope, love? I asked her if my hope still rested with her and she told me it did, then she said she needed me most of all. The sleep I fell into afterward was free of painful memories.

  Elizabeth has tenderness wash over her as she reads his most vulnerable thoughts. She wishes he was with her so she could demonstrate her fervent love for him. His careful planning of their tea time in the sitting room is tr
anscripted. Then he wrote, the most glorious thing has happened to me! My Lizzy has accepted me. What profound joy courses through me! I feel as if I could take wing like the dove. Contentment and peace bathed my soul as my shattered heart began to mend. Raptures indeed! When all seemed lost, and I was ready to give up the fight, her sweet voice called to me and pulled me from the abyss. What do I not owe her? She saved me body and soul, and I shall ever be grateful for the tremendous blessing of her love. Romantic musings, sonnets, poetry, and prose, have sprung forth in abundance. I have never appreciated what the poets wrote of love until I experienced it with my Elizabeth. The birds sing clearer, and the flowers bloom with clarity. Colors seem to spring forth with the new peace I have found in my soul. Elizabeth loves me, and we are to be wed.

  The rest of his latest journal includes more of his delirious feelings of bliss and a few self-satisfied reports of him besting Henry using the icy Caroline Bingley to complete the task. Elizabeth can imagine the smirk on his face as he recounted that. Under the date of their wedding is a one-word entry – JOY, which was underlined several times. Another entry outlines his planned hunt with Bingley, Jonesy, and Henry. He wrote how he expected the men to wander about trying to find him and some game. He noted how he set up the fated hunt in retaliation for them telling the others about why he was called ‘Fitz.’ What was perhaps the most humorous part is all of his diagrams and drawings of how he would send the Pemberley grooms out to make the hoof prints. Darcy is nothing if he is not fastidious. Only he would set up a practical joke with the precision of a military campaign.

  Not many more entries remain except for sporadic writings because he is too busy living his life with his Lizzy to write of it except for one last surprise he jotted down before he left. I have noticed Elizabeth sometimes appears queasy in the mornings even though she tries to hide her discomfort. Furthermore, she has not suffered from her female condition. Like all other topics, I have enlightened myself on what her symptoms could portend. However, I will not push her for any answers instead I will wait for her to enlighten me in her own time. I trust and love her with my whole being.

  Elizabeth feels the rush of love. He may suspect she is with child, but he will allow her to decide when to tell him. As she rereads the letter he left for her at breakfast yesterday as well as the one which greeted her today, she wonders if he left a letter for every single day and when he had the time to write them. It is with a full heart and heavy eyelids she crawls into their big bed to sleep, the hour being late indeed. Elizabeth’s days follow a pattern of a letter to greet her every morning of his absence and flowers for both her and Georgiana during a supper. Even more surprising is how he managed to procure chocolates for ‘his sweets’ as he calls Elizabeth and Georgiana in his note with the candy. Georgiana is not too surprised by his thoughtfulness while Lizzy continues to marvel at his tender devotion.

  For Darcy, the carriage ride to London lasted three and a half days with Colin and him pulling into Darcy House in the late afternoon. It is past time to meet for the day, so the word is sent to Jonesy they arrived, and Jonesy drops in to visit with them as Darcy and Colin sit down to a meal. After Jonesy is ushered into the dining room and given a drink, he notes Darcy’s hard stare.

  “Do not even start to bark at me, Fitz. I am not happy to have been summoned to come at such late notice. I traveled from Hertfordshire where I was most content to stay. So I do not need your growling at me.” Jonesy testily states.

  “Indeed,” Darcy flatly says as he nonchalantly cuts his meat, “and here I wanted to offer my heartfelt congratulations on your betrothal.” Darcy shrugs his shoulders for good measure.

  “You are a rotten person, Fitz; you know that? Thank you for your congratulations.” Jonesy knows Darcy considered letting him know what he thinks of the high handedness of the railway solicitors, but when Darcy noted Jonesy is not in a mood to hear his rant, he quickly changes to keep Jonesy off balance. Darcy enjoys toying with his friend as much as Jonesy enjoys baiting him.

  “It is my rottenness which attracts you like flies to…” Darcy trails off as Jonesy interrupts him.

  “Do not even finish that. Poor Colin is eating and does not wish to hear something that crude come out of your mouth. Since the three of us are here, can we go over all our points tonight so we can meet with the railwaymen tomorrow early and perhaps have the deal finalized so we can all get back to what we were doing?” Jonesy brows are lifted, and his hands are separated in a motion of pleading with his palms up.

  Colin and Darcy agree and quickly have their points outlined with each of the men having a complete understanding of their proposal. The next three days are spent in negotiations with the railwaymen and both sides’ solicitors. Each man knows his part to play in the debates. Jonesy is thought to be a carefree son whose father has deep pockets. Colin is looked upon as an asset because his father is an Earl and lends credibility to the endeavor. Darcy’s reputation is well established, and the railwaymen want his approval and backing. Colin and Darcy let Jonesy do the majority of the talking because it puts the others’ guard down and they do not realize Jonesy is as shrewd as Darcy. When the talks hit a sticking point, Colin acts the part of a bored rich son who may advise his father to back out. If that does not work, Darcy uses his imposing stare and deepened voice to push the men to make the decision Darcy wants.

  On the last day before lunch, one of the railwaymen becomes a bit entrenched regarding a minor point. His aspect is a bit greasy, but like Jonesy, he hides a sharp intellect. What he lacks which Jonesy and Darcy do not, is the ability to see the future direction of these decisions. Darcy knows the man would be easy to defeat in a chess game. Darcy twirls his quill in a bored manner as he looks down at it. This move is calculated because soon all eyes are on him. Darcy wants their attention so when he looks up with his full glower in place; it will be more potent. When he does lift his eyes, a couple of the gentlemen unconsciously draw back. When the man who stuck to his point sees Darcy glower then put his hands firmly on the table as if to push his chair back and withdraw completely, he quickly capitulates.

  While the railwaymen leave for lunch and Darcy, Jonesy and Colin go to do the same; the solicitors work feverishly to draw up the documents for signatures to be applied after the whole group returns. The deal is completed, and most leave feeling as if they are satisfied. Darcy and Jonesy especially are gratified over the transaction. Later more minor investors will be brought aboard, but Darcy and his partners maintain final say and control. Since it is too late to start a return journey, Colin opts to stay with Darcy at his townhouse. Jonesy decides that would be preferable to staying with his own parents, so the three men rehash the rail deal and indulge in a game of billiards.

  While Colin and Jonesy have several brandies, Darcy cautions them he will be rising early and setting out for home whether Colin is ready or not. Furthermore, he warns Jonesy that the staff will physically evict him if he is not ready to leave Darcy House when Darcy does. As Jonesy smirks and mimicks Darcy, Colin watches closely. His younger cousin has always intimidated him, and Colin admires the way Darcy cowed the railwaymen, some of which are twice his age. To see Jonesy fearlessly mocking Darcy and to his face no less is a spectacle Colin can hardly believe.

  Darcy, of course, is unmoved by Jonesy, knowing he will settle the score later with his old chum. For now, Darcy decides it might be fun to join forces with Jonesy to torture Henry at his wedding. He retires soon after a couple of billiard games to write Elizabeth a long letter. Colin and Jonesy battle on for a bit before the long negotiations of the past three days catch up with them. They too shuffle off to bed to rest for tomorrow’s journey.

  Over breakfast the next morning, Darcy inquires about Jonesy’s plans. Jonesy plans to return to Longbourn, and with Darcy’s permission, he asks to bring Miss Kitty to Pemberley to stay until Henry’s wedding. Jonesy will ride alongside the carriage with a couple of men from his home who he is to meet with today. He also secured Mr. Bennet’s
permission for the trip, and Mr. Bennet will supply a maid to accompany Kitty to Pemberley. Mr. Bennet takes no more chances with his daughters’ respectability. Darcy is satisfied with the arrangements and gives his consent for Kitty to stay. Jonesy will stay with Henry at Matlock Manor while Darcy hosts the bride. Jonesy teases Darcy about all the female chatter he will endure as they gush about wedding details. “Lace, lace, and more lace will be your lot,” Jonesy declares.

  Darcy reminds him Miss Kitty will be under his care and protection at Pemberley so he would be remiss if he allows any contact between Jonesy and Miss Kitty without perhaps two chaperones. The upturned corner of Darcy’s mouth gives his delight away. “You would do that, wouldn’t you? Henry has called you diabolical, and he has the right of it.”

  “A true gentleman would not take issue with keeping his lady’s virtue.” Darcy retorts.

  “I give up! Insufferable! See you soon, my friend.” Jonesy smiles at Darcy

  “Safe travels. I will look forward to our next meeting.” Darcy stands as it is announced the carriage is ready.

  The return trip to Pemberley is not without delay. One of the carriage horses lost a shoe, and a burst of snow detained them overnight in a small inn. Five days after leaving London Darcy rides in on Tempest amid swirling snow and raw temperatures. He is exhausted from the trip, and a bit irritated that he had to leave Elizabeth’s side. He hopes she found comfort in the notes he left for her. He plans to stay at Pemberley for the remainder of the winter, and if Elizabeth is indeed with child, then he will not have to concern himself with traveling because he refuses to leave his expectant wife. The thought pleases him.