by Kay Mares
When Lizzy does not respond, Geneve glances over to her and sees Lizzy’s disquiet on her face. Geneve quickly apologizes thinking she has offended Lizzy but Lizzy shakes her head in the negative. Without intending to do so, Elizabeth tells her friend the convoluted path she had tread with Darcy. Geneve is silent but nods her head knowingly. That is the Darcy she knows, always ready to help those he affects. When Lizzy told her of Darcy’s return to Hertfordshire and Lizzy’s changing opinion of Darcy, Geneve is spellbound. The knowledge of the attack brings on shock for Lady Geneve; she had not known about that nor the subsequent illness. Lizzy relates how she sat at Darcy’s bedside, willing him to become well from a grave illness, which he did once Lizzy gave him the hope he sought.
Geneve puts together the pieces, realizing Lizzy’s refusal is what caused Darcy’s misery last summer, but she does not condemn Lizzy for it. The part which strikes Geneve is how Darcy seemed to lose the will to live after the shooting and illness because he still thought Lizzy was lost to him. She acknowledges his gallantry in putting himself in harm’s way to save the sisters. Geneve is touched by Lizzy’s devotion to him, especially since Lizzy wasn’t certain of his regard. That he came back through the fever to be by his Lizzy spoke volumes of his unending love. Geneve looks at Elizabeth with some reproach as she states flatly, “This is the man you doubt?” The truth of that simple statement slams into Lizzy as she flushes. She doesn’t doubt him, but she just needs some of his reassurance.
However, Darcy’s patience is wearing thin. In an effort to protect Lizzy from taking on more responsibilities and because he sees her fatigue, he refuses to allow Lizzy to plan a ball. When Lizzy becomes agitated, and the conversation becomes heated, in a rare display of anger towards his wife, he orders her to cease talking of a ball; the matter is now closed. Lizzy at first is shocked at his behavior and his ordering of her. She flees from the room and goes to her chambers where she curls up on the window seat and begins to sob. Darcy never spoke to her this harshly, and the flash of annoyance she saw in his eyes hurts her feelings. Darcy regrets ordering her about but, Elizabeth, to his way of thinking, is wearing herself out and he sees no good reason to deal with the added stress of a ball and all of the planning for it.
Darcy stews a bit while he paces about his study. He has to walk off some of his agitations before he speaks to Elizabeth again. He takes a quick drink of brandy then chastises himself mentally for it. He sits in his chair behind the desk, drums his fingers on the surface, then slams a book down in frustration. Normally he could read Lizzy fairly well but not this time. He thought he had been a supportive husband who looks after his wife’s needs, but it seems like Lizzy believes he is a bother. That thought hurts him.
Lizzy in the meantime allows all of Miss Exter’s insinuations to wash over her. Maybe Fitzwilliam does not want me to host a ball because he thinks I will embarrass him. Perhaps he is already embarrassed by my pregnancy. I feel so unattractive. He is so very handsome, what is to stop him from seeking female attention elsewhere? I really do not know how to be a Mistress to an estate like Pemberley. Did Fitzwilliam really marry that far beneath him and is that why he seeks to limit exposure to me? On it continues, all those nagging doubts which eat away at her and are further fueled by Miss Exter. If Miss Exter knew the misery she caused, she would rejoice in her success.
Darcy finally calms down and he knows two things for certain. The first is that he hurt her and she is crying somewhere in this house, so he needs to find her and comfort her which leads him to the second thought, they must talk openly and honestly. There is more to this upset than just the pregnancy. He may still have to be forceful with her, but he will not rest until they talk over what is agitating her. As he pauses, he tries to picture where she would have gone to be alone. Like a magnet to metal, he is drawn to her chambers, a place where she spends hardly any time simply because they are always together in their shared chambers.
As he reaches the door, he hears the muffled sobs from within. His feisty Lizzy has her head bowed on her knees with her arms wrapped around them. She does not acknowledge his entrance or perhaps she is unaware of it. Darcy is unsure how to approach her. When Georgiana is upset or hurting, she comes to him for comfort. Since Lizzy fled from him, trying to isolate herself, Darcy does not want to upset her further with his presence. He only hesitates a second more then he walks to her and folds his arms around her as he sits next to her. Lizzy does not resist but hugs him closer as she gives way to her tears. Darcy strokes her hair and murmurs to her waiting for her to calm. As she does, he lifts her chin with his hand, staring into her eyes.
“We must talk. We cannot continue in this manner. Normally, my Lizzy, you have no problems articulating to me what your wishes are, but in this instance, I am uncertain. As you gather yourself, I will speak first as to what I think the issues are.” Darcy sighs and holds her tighter for a moment while taking a deep breath. “I have noted at times; you have suffered from some morning sickness and fatigue. You know my proclivity for reading so I naturally have researched the topic and have come to the conclusion this is normal. But I understand it is not pleasant, and I am trying to be patient. However, at times your irritation with me is hurtful, and again I understand some irritation is normal, but I think it has reached a level that at times is intolerable. I am willing to listen though if you feel I am unfair or harsh in my assessment. I can only guess though because you have not been as forthright with me as only I know you can be.” He adds a small contrite grin which alleviates some of Lizzy’s pique.
Lizzy sniffles, accepting the handkerchief Darcy offers. Geneve’s words come to her. Here is her husband, seeking her out, concerned about her. How can she doubt him? With a deep breath of her own, she begins. Lizzy told him about having her insecurities regarding her role as Mistress, and she is looking at the ball as a way to prove to herself as well as anyone else that she is competent. Lizzy talks about how she has not been exposed to the ton except for the few members who came to the weddings. She notes most of what she has done relates directly to the manor and she has not really been out in the public in a large way as Mrs. Darcy. Elizabeth repeats what Miss Exter said about her duties as Mistress and how that further makes her feel unqualified.
“You may blame me, Dearest. I do not want to share you with anyone else. Since I abhor most society events, I have not wished for us to attend any. However, I can see this route has led to you not having the exposure you desire to make a positive impression. If you can tolerate my hovering about and fussing over you, coupled with worry and fretting, I think we may be able to attend some functions. Would this help?” Darcy cocks his head and lifts his mouth at the corner as he draws her closer to his side. Lizzy smiles a tiny bit, but she has more to tell him.
“There is more I must reveal to you. Not only did Miss Exter make me question my duties and how well I am performing them, she alluded to gentlemen looking for satisfaction outside of the marital bed when their wives are with child. She did not specifically say you would, but she talked of your handsomeness and how a man like you would have needs to be met.” Darcy stiffens and his lips are a tight thin line. He feels his anger beginning to rise. He has not given Elizabeth any reason to doubt his fidelity, so he is beginning to feel annoyance. Lizzy continues, sensing his tension, “I know you are not that type of man, you have never been, but my insecurities come from my own mind. She pointedly looked over at you when she said that while talking about your attractiveness; as I watched you engage the other men, I saw the truth of her words. You are a desirable man, Mr. Darcy and as I grow with our child, I am feeling less than desirable myself. She spoke to my fears, and I foolishly allowed them to take me over. I should have confided in you earlier.” Lizzy puts her head against his chest as she listens to his breathing and his heartbeat.
It takes a while for Darcy to respond. He still is annoyed with Lizzy because he thought she would have come to him with any issue which bothered her. Instead, it is as if she pushed him
away. However, he knows she must feel insecure especially when a beautiful woman like Miss Exter seeks to undermine her confidence. Darcy gathers his thoughts so he will say the right words to relieve her. Lizzy whispers her last confession before Darcy can speak, “I worried that maybe you are embarrassed by me and my country ways and perhaps being seen in my company while I’m with child embarrassed you also so you sought to limit my exposure. I am sorry Fitzwilliam.” She ends on a sob as the tears start again.
Darcy’s agitation ebbs away. He feels responsible for not protecting Lizzy from this reality, but he did not consider that some of these undesirable people would accost his wife during a wedding. Now his anger turns to guilt. Poor Elizabeth has no way of knowing how scheming these people are and he allowed it to happen. Furthermore, he should have intuited there is more to Lizzy’s repeated requests to host a ball. He failed to recognize her misgivings, so he did not offer her his support. He feels wretched. “Lizzy, I apologize. I should have foreseen how those like Miss Exter would have plotted to give you grief. Miss Exter, similar to Caroline has tried for years to ensnare me. Her flirtations have bordered on impropriety in the past, and her manners can be brash. At the wedding, she started with her usual chatter and coquettish fawning. I gifted her with a particularly scorching Darcy stare, and she went away.” Darcy chuckles lightly. “I planned to tell you about it when time allowed. However, what I did not anticipate is her revenge upon me by hurting you. Remember how I told you there would be those who would seek to destroy what we have? Some will act thusly out of spite or malice and others simply because they like to cause division.” Darcy grows solemn. “Unfortunately we will have to attend certain events for reasons which I have outlined to you in the past. I will do my utmost to shield you from those who would hurt you to get to me.”
Darcy leans back into the window seat taking Elizabeth with him and positions her with her back against his chest. He runs one hand up and down her arm as he speaks. “Regarding the changes in your body, they do not affect my desire for you. It is scandalous to admit, but I find it heightens my ardor because I created that bulge.” Lizzy twists to look at him with her brows raised and eyes wide. “Yes it is true,” Darcy says, “the height of arrogance to admit it but there it is.” His mouth is upturned. “Now you know the depth of my conceit. Seriously, Lizzy, there can be no one but you. Out of our love, we have created a new life which grows in you. How could I be ashamed of that?” Darcy meets her eyes straight on as he assumes a more authoritative voice. “You must tell me of your fears, please do not push me aside. Only together are we strong. I will be here for you during every step of this pregnancy.” Here he lifts his chin and gives her the look down his nose while his eyes are twinkling. “If I must, I will order you to report to me.”
Lizzy narrows her eyes at his jest as she giggles. Darcy knows when to deploy his humor to diffuse the tenseness. “I too apologize Fitzwilliam. I should have come to you before. You have always listened to me and have always offered me comfort. I have been foolish. You do not think me a ninny?”
“Never My Love. I could never think poorly of you.” His voice becomes husky and deepens further. “As to not finding you attractive, let me demonstrate the fallacy of that thinking.” He picked her up in his strong arms and makes way to their bedchamber. Afterward, he strokes her abdomen and talks about the future with their child. They both realize even a close and connected union such as theirs can suffer from lack of communication so they will not repeat the mistake.
After their candid talk, Darcy plans some small excursions about the lands so Lizzy may enjoy the weather and the fresh air. Darcy has a curricle ready one morning so they can drive about the grounds. In one pasture they ride by, a beautiful reddish horse is running alongside a striking golden yellow horse with a black mane and tail. Elizabeth has never seen such a horse before, and she comments to Darcy. “Look at those two,” she points, “streaking by, they are like flames, yellow and red. What type of horse is the yellow one Fitzwilliam? I have never seen such coloring on a horse.”
“She is a Lusitano mare. A gift from one of my Spaniard shipping partners. This horse breed has an interesting history. They date back to the Roman crusades. They are also known as Iberian horses as it seems they may have originated from horses which roamed on the Iberian Peninsula. Legend has it that the wind sired the Iberian horse mares. Homer referred to this legend when he wrote in the Iliad, ‘fast as the wind and sons of Podargo, the harpy that was impregnated by the wind Zephyr while grazing at the borders of the River Oceanus.’ These horses have found their way to the royal stables; Richard the Lionhearted used them during the Crusades. They are loyal, willing, and smart. Their confirmation is excellent, and many breeders have used them to improve their own stock. I have plans to breed her to Tempest eventually.” Darcy halts the curricle so they can observe the mare. She easily keeps pace with her Thoroughbred sisters, often outrunning them. Lizzy sees the horse’s powerful muscles and perfect confirmation.
A few days after viewing the horses, Darcy finds Lizzy in her parlor and asks her if she has some time to devote to him. Lizzy happily puts her work aside, needlework not being high on her list of priorities. The weather tempered allowing for more outdoor activities. As they stroll to the lake, Lizzy is delighted to see a small boat on the water’s edge. Just as he had when they were in their courtship, Darcy rows them out upon the lake, and he has a basket lunch ready for them. In lieu of poetry, this time Darcy employed his mouth in the much more pleasurable activity of kissing his wife. Lizzy smiles inwardly as he fusses over her comfort. He insists she has a rug across her lap as there is a slight breeze on the lake. They talk about anything they wish but also lapse into quiet companionship. The return to the manor has them with their arms wrapped around one another.
After speaking to Elizabeth over the course of time and understanding her concerns, Darcy decides on a compromise of sorts. Elizabeth will host a ball at Pemberley before they have to leave for London. The planning with key staff occurs with Darcy’s attendance and final say. If at any time he feels Lizzy is overtaxing herself, he will cancel the ball, jesting with Lizzy this will be in keeping with his disagreeable nature. Lizzy also bows to his counsel of having a smaller number of guests, and she finalizes the invitations with Darcy. The servants and staff see to all the details with Lizzy’s oversight. The result is a grand and elegant ball. Friends and family members stay at Pemberley as well as with the Matlocks. Word quickly spreads that the Mistress of Pemberley hosted a superb ball with many notables in attendance.
Future balls, soirees and dinner parties both at Pemberley and Darcy House will be noted for their refinement and taste often becoming the premier events which many hope to be invited to. Darcy is proud of his wife’s accomplishments over the years of entertaining. Elizabeth not only managed to survive the ton; she conquers it. The positive response to these events allays Lizzy’s fears of inadequacy forever.
A few days remain before they will take a short trip to London. Georgiana opts to stay at Pemberley as she wishes to continue with the plans for the nursery. Georgiana enjoys going on some of the shopping excursions with Elizabeth and Darcy. Her brother’s inquisitiveness and zeal amuse her. She and Elizabeth giggle as they watch Darcy fiddle with some of the toys purchased when he thought they were engaged in other parts of the nursery. Georgiana is anxious to become an aunt, but she knows her brother can barely contain his own excitement as he waits for the arrival of his first child.
Lizzy and Darcy are together in his study one afternoon after they had taken a trip to the stables to give Tempest and Zephyr some treats. Elizabeth has the successful ball behind her and the reassurance of Darcy’s love, but that does not stop her from considering how her life has changed. She decides to ask Darcy about his thoughts regarding his consequence. She has been watching him surreptitiously as he tackled business letters and correspondence while organizing his paperwork for the trip to London, not wanting to spend any additional time ther
e. He is driven to finish his work in town quickly so he could have Lizzy back at Pemberley for the birth of their child. With all that on his mind, Lizzy notes his pursed lips and disheveled hair from running his fingers through it. She waits until he settles in a bit before she asks him what is on her mind.
“Do you ever feel guilty, Fitzwilliam?” Lizzy breaks the silence.
“Guilty? Whatever for?” Darcy replies with a puzzled brow.
“For your standing and consequence? We have so much, and many have to work hard for so little. Sometimes I feel guilty I should be this blessed.” Lizzy explains.
Darcy leans back into the chair as he thinks through his answer, removing his glasses then twirling them a few times in his fingers. “I cannot say I have felt guilty. I have always been grateful I was born a Darcy, and as you can attest, that has led me to be prideful which you have, to my unending thankfulness, rescued me from.” He turns up the corner of his mouth even though he is serious about Lizzy’s role in changing his life. “The laws of our land have favored titled families and landed gentry. I was fortunate to born into such a family, so I have not felt guilty for that. Instead, I have embraced the notion the more one is given, the greater his responsibility to do what is good and fair. While I have increased the Darcy wealth, I do not do so at the detriment of others. I take very seriously my responsibility to the tenants who work my land, those who tend my livestock and the workers in the factories and companies which I have ownership or interest. Without these people, Pemberley and my family’s name would no longer exist. Their success in their lives is my success.”