by DW Cee
“Honestly Emily I don’t know what it is that I feel for your cousin. I have feelings for her, but do I like her? Do I still think about her in a younger sister kind of way? Am I in love with her? I don’t know, but I’d like to know and I can’t figure anything out till I see Delaney. But she won’t see me. Can you please tell me what is going through her mind? Why won’t she see me? How does she feel about me?”
“After all those weekly softball games, and the fiasco at Ashley’s wedding, you still don’t understand your feelings for her?” What softball games? What fiasco at Ashley’s wedding? I was at the wedding. How could I not have known that something had happened there? “Donovan, I’m sorry, but I cannot tell you anything you really want to hear. Once again that’s not my story to tell, either. This is something that the two of you need to work out on your own.”
“I would like to work it out with her but she won’t see me. I’ve been over at Gram’s flat copious times, and either she’s in and not opening the door, or she’s out all the time.”
“All I can tell you is that she is seeing somebody now. He’s a really nice guy, who is very much in love with our Laney, and she is trying for a relationship with him.”
“What do you mean she’s trying? When did this all happen?”
“This guy wants to marry her and ironically, you pushed her into his arms. Laney does like him, and he is a really good guy from what I can tell, but I don’t think she’s in love with him.”
“Why won’t she talk to me?”
“You really don’t get it do you?” Donovan gave a little-boy confused look. “You don’t understand why she left?” Once again he shook his head no. Emily only sighed. “I don’t want to betray Laney’s confidence so I can’t tell you much, but all I can say is, initially she left because she wanted to live a life separate from the comforts of this Reid life. She thought it would be her last chance to have this kind of freedom before she went back to school and eventually joined the workforce. But in the end, she was desperate to get away. A part of me was really sad for her that she left the way she did, and I was angry for her when she came back to find you and Jane in an embrace. She was absolutely ripped to shreds when she left the hospital.” My sister started tearing a little bit as she brought up our past sins. “I don’t know where this whole relationship with Michael is going to end up, but I do know that he genuinely loves her. And if this is the guy she wants, I support them.”
“Why was she so desperate to get away?” Donovan slowly asked, still trying to figure things out.
“You’re such a moron,” my brother added to this conversation.
“She always made it sound like she wanted something new, something different, like she wanted to experience a new life. Even as a young girl, Delaney always had an independent streak to her.”
“She did want something new,” Jake said in an exasperated tone. “And she also wanted to be free of the old—namely YOU. Now, I think you’re too late buddy. This Michael guy seems to be determined to win her hand.”
I think Donovan left Jake and Emily’s place even more confused and dejected than when he arrived. I was really shocked to hear about Laney’s feelings for Donovan. This was really the first time I’d even considered it. I guess that’s how much I was wrapped up in my own world and never thought about anybody else around me. I admit I was a very selfish person.
Nick and I are leaving tomorrow for Mexico and possibly by tomorrow night, Max and I could either be completely broken up, or we would be back together. I was scared to see Max again, but relieved to be able to say I’m sorry. As for hope for our future...the jury is still deliberating on that one.
July 15, 2013 Day of Rec(k)on(cil)ing
“We’re here.” Nick woke me up from the long drive from the airport to middle-of-nowhere Mexico. I’d been so wound up the last few days about seeing Max that I couldn’t sleep. Even with a couple glasses of wine to relax the nerves, the plane ride was ugly. So when we got into our car that Jake had arranged for us, something kicked in and I fell into a deep sleep. Even now, knowing Max was just up the road, I couldn’t fully wake myself up.
“Will the driver wait here?” I asked. Nick gave me a confused look. “You know...just in case I’m not welcomed here?” I answered insecurely.
Nick only laughed at me. “You’ll be welcomed with open arms. But we can ask the driver to wait a little while if that’ll make you feel better.”
“Let’s do that. I have no idea what to expect. For all I know, Max may have gotten himself married to a Latina here in Mexico and they could be expecting their first child, already. Sounds ridiculous but then again, who thought a teeny tiny slip of paper, that would take me anywhere in the world, would get me into this much trouble?”
“Don’t fret.” Nick said grabbing our suitcases, the medical equipment they asked for, and my hand—not necessarily all at once, or in that order.
Ahead of me was flat desert land with lanterns everywhere outlining the pop-up tents. These were sturdy tents—the kind I’d imagine the army would use during a war. Though it wasn’t that late, it was dark enough where no one was out and about. Nick and I put all our stuff down and we went in search of a human being who could lead us to Max’s tent.
“Jane,” Nick called over and pointed towards a guy who could help me.
I spoke slowly and gave Max’s name and described his build, hoping this guy could point me in the right direction. And that’s what he did. He literally pointed to the tent to the right of me. Finally! After too many weeks of no communication, I’d get a chance to put everything back in place.
How would I react when Max and I finally got together? Would we immediately kiss and make-up? Would it be awkward? Would he look at me in disdain? Would I have to grovel, or would he greet me with open arms?
I stood right outside the tent for longer than necessary, and time for composure was done. I needed to face the music.
“Max?” I called out weakly. “Max?”
My first glimpse into the tent showed a super tidy one. There was very little in it. There was paperwork on a pop-up desk, a plastic chair, a thick rope that crossed from one end of the tent to another—similar to a zip line—that held newly washed clothes, a cheap mirror hanging off that same clothesline, and finally, there was a cot in the corner.
The cot was one of those army green looking ones that appeared super uncomfortable. There was a foot wrapped in a blanket at the bottom of the cot and as I perused the sleeping body, something was seriously wrong. This body wasn’t long enough, big enough, or manly enough to be my boyfriend—or ex-boyfriend, depending upon whom you ask. Just to be real clear, I got right behind this body and undid the blanket just enough to see red—not dark brown hair—under the blanket. SHE, as in HANNAH, was sleeping underneath that blanket.
I fell back a few steps and before I could think about anything else, I ran out of the tent. All I could do was run as fast as I could to the car waiting on the other side of the tents. My heart was crushed. No, it was more than crushed. It was blown to bits and there was no way I’d ever find it again.
I figured Max would be pissed. I knew I’d have to grovel because this time, it was solely my doing. Never in my wildest of dreams, did I imagine finding Hannah in Max’s bed. We’d only been apart a few weeks! Maybe they, too, were trying things out the way Donovan and I tried back in Chicago? Did I need to give him a bye, since I pulled the same stunt? I was so hurt and confused.
“Jane!” I ran out of there as though my life depended upon it, thanking God that there was a car waiting for me.
“Jane!” I didn’t bother turning around. Nick would figure out that I was going back home. He didn’t need to know the particulars and I wasn’t going to be the one to explain it to him.
“Dammit, Jane. Slow down.” That didn’t sound like Nick so I slowed my steps but still didn’t turn around.
I stopped running and waited for this person to catch up with me. Did I want this person to be Max?
<
br /> Did I need this confrontation right now? I sure as hell wasn’t going to apologize anymore, not after what I saw in that tent.
“Gem,” a gentle voice turned me around.
I lost it as soon as I saw Max’s face. Why did he need to look so desperately happy to see me? He’d lost weight, and he was sunburned, but he looked perfect to me. He pulled me into his body, I pushed myself into his body. I don’t know what happened, but I was crying my eyes out, holding onto him.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered without letting go of me. “I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve thought a million times about blowing out of here to go talk to you and make things right with you.”
“You have?” I asked with tears pouring down my face. “Then why haven’t you responded to any of my emails?”
Max tried to answer my question several times but couldn’t quite form his words. “An email couldn’t do justice to all the thoughts I had in my mind. I have so many things I want to say to you and so many things I still need answered from you. Would you mind staying here tonight? We need to talk and decide one way or the other how we want our relationship to go.”
“Where would I stay?” I got angry all of a sudden as I remembered who was sleeping in his cot. “I can’t believe you! We’ve been apart for a few weeks. How can you?”
“Um...you want to explain why you’re going batshit crazy on me, again? You were just in tears because you were happy to see me.”
“That was because I forgot about Hannah!”
Max closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. “We have so much crap to talk about and you’re upset because Hannah is here? You knew she was here. You saw her at the airport.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t know you were sleeping with her!” I accused.
“Shit!” He yelled. “You drive me fucking insane!” He yelled even louder. “You were the one who had thoughts of cheating on me, and you come down here and accuse me of having cheated on you? What the hell is the matter with you?”
Max was so angry, I thought maybe I shouldn’t have brought up this minor detail? Or, could I have seen a mirage of Hannah?
“Um...” I answered meekly and quietly. “I saw Hannah sleeping in your cot when I went into your tent?” I squeaked out a question-answer.
“Which tent did you visit?”
I walked over and pointed towards the tent in question. Max just stayed where he was and put both his hands on his head and groaned aloud. He then marched over to me, grabbed my hand, pulled me into a different tent, put both hands on my face and kissed me like we have never, ever, ever kissed before. It was seriously the kiss to end all kisses. At first, the way we kissed was all wrong. It had been so long, we were out of practice. And if we were making music, it would have been a disastrous cacophony. Our teeth clashed into one another (and yes, that hurt) and I felt like Max’s tongue was down my throat (and yes, I thought I may barf at times), but we couldn’t stop kissing. We kissed till I was lightheaded and couldn’t breathe anymore, but damn did that kiss feel good.
“Stop.” I pulled away. “I need to breathe. You’re making me dizzy.”
Max let me go and sat on the cot. He still had his head in his hands. “This is my tent. Do you see Hannah in here?”
I looked around and noticed a different room. “Well...” I backpedaled. “I went into the tent that the Hispanic guy pointed to...”
“Did the Hispanic guy speak English, or did he just point?” He started grinning.
“Well...” I started laughing. “I don’t know. I wasn’t listening. I just did as I was told.”
“Good God! You actually did as you were told?” He said in a snarky way.
“All right, already. Let’s drop it. I went to the wrong tent. BFD!” I was starting to get a bit defensive, which wasn’t going to be good for either of us.
“Come here,” he commanded.
I thought for a second before following the command. As much as it killed me to be the soldier to this commanding officer, I knew this wasn’t the time to go AWOL.
I sat right next to him on the cot.
“You want to start?”
The jerk was putting the ball in my court, first. FINE! Grudgingly, I started this round. “I’m sorry.”
He waited for me to continue but that’s all I could say for now. “Is there more?”
“No. I said all I needed to say at the airport, but you didn’t believe me. You told me to do what I want to do, be with who I want to be with, and to figure out what I want out of life. I did what you told me to do, and I’d like to be with you. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I...” I slowed my speech, “love you still very much, and if you don’t feel the same, just let me know now and I’ll get out of your way.” There. I put myself out there for Max to take or to throw away.
“What did you actually do that you wanted to do, and who were you actually with, that you wanted to be with—in order to figure out what you wanted in life?”
SHIT! Perhaps, I shouldn’t have said so much when trying to reconcile with my boyfriend. Do I tell him about the incestuous kiss with Donovan? I knew Donovan would never tell. Jake and Emily would keep this secret for us as well, especially since they knew it resulted in us coming to the conclusion that we’d never work. But, if Max and I were starting new, was this the healthiest way to restart a relationship—with a BIG FAT LIE?
This was one hell of a dilemma! Perhaps we needed to reconsider reconciling, after this time of reckoning.
July 18, 2013 Rec(k)on(cil)ing Res(v)is(i)ted
“Well?” He needed a damn answer and I had to give him one.
“You remember the day I threw my birthday present back at you and I went into another departure gate?”
“Yeah.” He let out a snort. “This entire Mexico team remembers the day you threw my gift back at me and laughed at my face.”
“I didn’t laugh at you!”
“Go on...!” He demanded in an exasperated tone.
“I went to go see Becky in Chicago and after crying all over her the entire morning, I kinda ran into Donovan.”
“Fucking hell. Maybe you should stop here and just go home.” He let out another ugly snort and got off the cot and walked around the tiny tent. He was making me dizzy and I wanted to tell him to sit the hell down, but I couldn’t exactly raise my voice since I knew the rest of this story wasn’t going to sit pretty with him. I needed to pick my battles. It was a while before he stopped moving around in circles.
“You want me to continue or shall I really go home? The driver is still waiting for me if you want me to leave.”
“Am I going to regret asking you to stay and continue your story?”
How was I to answer this one? On the one hand, the one kiss might be a sore spot for Max, but on the other hand, Donovan and I are finally done. We’ve figured out what we both wanted and it’s not each other.
“Before I got to Chicago, Becky asked her brother to come by and help me. Donovan and I...after...well, after all was said and done, we decided we didn’t suit. In fact, we thought it was kind of incestuous. I mean, it was like a million on the scale of 1 to 10.”
“What is it that was a million on a scale of 1 to 10? And what is it that was done that brought you to this conclusion?”
“Donovan and I kind of...” My palms were sweaty, my body was shaking, I didn’t think I could explain this little kiss.
“Did you fuck him?”
I went bug-eyed and slack-jawed on Max. “Did you just ask me if I fucked Donovan?” I couldn’t believe Max asked me this question and in such a crass way. Did he really think I’d go as far as sleeping with Donovan? “What do you take me for—some slut, sleeping with any available guy?”
Max quickly apologized. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and I definitely shouldn’t have said that. Anytime you mention his name, you put me on edge. I don’t know what to expect.”