Where She Was Loved

by Sarah Tomlinson

"Merry Christmas!" she shouted.

  I laughed, "Oh, thanks, Sharon, but wasn't it Christmas yesterday?"

  "Yes, but I want it to be Christmas every day!" she cheered, raising her hands in the air. Ava and I giggled at Sharon's enthusiasm.

  After she stopped her dizzying chair spins, she pointed to my neck. "Ooh, pretty necklace. Can I touch it?"

  I was surprised after what had happened the night before, but she had obviously forgotten about the incident.

  "Of course," I said, holding the pearl out.

  Ava smiled at me from the counter she was leaning on as she drank her coffee. After Sharon became bored with the necklace, she ran off into the living room, leaving me alone with Ava.

  "So, I got a text message early this morning," she informed me. "Which, by the way, why haven't you gotten a cell yet, girl?"

  I shrugged. "I don't feel the need for one. If anyone needs me, they just call here or the bookstore," I grinned, as I sat down on the kitchen chair.

  "So, like I said, I got a text this morning from Alec. How are you feeling, sweetie?"

  Once again, I shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know. Confused, elated, sad, nervous, oh, did I mention confused?"

  Ava gave me a sad smile. "What are you going to do about Aiden?"

  "What do you mean what am I going to do about Aiden?" I looked away from her.

  "Oh, come on, you've been pining over Eric since you got back to town, heck probably since that last summer. I see the way you freeze every time someone mentions his name, as if it hurts to hear." She was right.

  "Oh, Ava, it doesn't matter now. It's been too many years–we've both moved on. Besides, I can't hurt Aiden like that. He doesn't deserve it and, well Eric has his own life now," I sighed.

  "From what I heard about his reaction this morning, I'd say he hasn't forgotten about you one bit, Ashley. You know how much I adore Aiden, but he knew what would happen the moment Eric came home, we all did. He knew the trouble he was bringing on himself and their friendship."

  "No, I caused it," I mumbled, lowering my head in shame.

  "No, you didn't," Ava said adamantly. "Now come on, the eggs are ready. Let's eat and then I think you should go see Aiden."

  I finished breakfast and washed the dishes. I was trying to stall my visit to Aiden. Normally, I couldn't wait to see him, but something had shifted. I never thought beyond how I was living now. I never thought what would happen the moment Eric did come home. I wished I had, then maybe I wouldn't have attempted a relationship with Aiden. I felt a little hurt that not one person mentioned that they were really good friends. Then again, I should have known. Now look at the mess we were all in.

  I finally got dressed and walked on over to his apartment above the workshop. I had no idea what I was going to say or what I was going to do as I climbed the stairs and knocked on his door.

  When Aiden answered, I gasped. The left side of his face was swollen and he had a split lip.

  I reached up to touch his jaw and he flinched. "What happened?" I asked, concern in my voice.

  Aiden reached for my hand, drawing me into the apartment. Shutting the door, he pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. I responded by weaving my arms back around his waist.

  "Don't feel sorry for me, sweetheart. I deserved it," he attempted to laugh, but the pain in his voice was discernable.

  "No one deserves to be hurt, Aiden. Believe me, I know." I peered up at him, feeling responsible for his bruises.

  He let go of me and stepped away. Heading towards the sofa, he dropped down onto it, raking a hand through his hair. I walked over and sat next to him.

  "Like I said, I deserved it. When you came back, I couldn't believe how beautiful you were. I mean, I always liked you, but I knew you didn't see me that way."

  "Aiden…"

  "No, it's true. I thought if there was ever a chance of us being together, for you to fall in love with me, it would be while Eric wasn't here. I should have told him, regardless of what you said. He was my best friend for crying out loud. But I wanted you so much, I was willing to hurt him over it and I'm ashamed, Ash. I played dirty and that's wrong," he sighed deeply, leaning forward and placing his head in his hands.

  I didn't know what to say; I just sat there in companionable silence, letting him work through his own torment.

  After a while, Aiden raised his head once more to peer at me through glassy eyes. "You know I love you, Ashley. You know that, right?"

  I nodded my head, my heart aching at the expression of agony etched on his face.

  "I love you, too, Aiden." I sensed he needed to hear it, and I really did mean it.

  Aiden gave me a downward smile, "I know you do, Ash. But you don't love me the way I want you to."

  "Aiden…"

  He winced again. "No, it's okay. Well, it will be. I thought you would grow to love me like that, but some things can't be forced," he grumbled, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Slowly, he reached out and entwined his fingers with mine; the gesture was an understanding between us–a goodbye neither of us was ready to admit.

  We sat silently for a few minutes, allowing the certainty of the decision to register. Finally, with pain marring his face, Aiden whispered, "Ash, I think we should just be friends." He was so sweet, finalizing the decision for both of us and allowing me to walk away, blameless. But I knew I was guilty too.

  I nodded, my eyes begging him to see the appreciation in them. I think deep down he knew I lost my heart to Eric a long time ago. I just stupidly thought that one day I could learn to love another just as much if not more. Now I knew that would have never happened.

  But friends? I could do friends with Aiden. He had always been that. One of my constants since I was five years old. It was the best type of relationship for both of us. It pained me to let go of Aiden's hand but I knew I had to. I tilted my head towards him and said it out loud, "I think friends sounds good, too."

  He slapped his knees with his hands before standing, "Great, now how about I walk you home? I think I need to go mend another friendship." He tried to bury his sadness by acting as if he was strong enough to move on from us. I loved him all the more for it.

  I allowed him to walk me home, a companionable silence between us. When we reached the house, we hugged one last time and gave small smiles of farewell to one another. Then I watched him walk up the street, knowing he was heading to Graham's house.

  I mourned the thought of what Aiden and I could have had together, yet a piece of me was also relieved because he deserved someone so much better than me. Someone who would give him the world and look at him the way he deserved to be adored. As he disappeared into the woods, I blew a silent kiss of goodbye his way.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Ashley

  It had been a whole two weeks since Eric had returned to town and not once had I seen him. It was driving me mad! Alec had dropped into the bookstore last week and let me know he apologized to Eric for his actions and after some explaining, his son reluctantly forgave him.

  Meg had called me to see how I was after hearing of the break-up. Surprisingly, she was okay about it and promised me that Aiden would move on from it. Oh God, I had yet to see Aiden, too, wanting to give him time to adjust to our new kind of friendship.

  But Eric, I had no idea what to do about him. Should I go to see him? Should I wait for him to come see me? Would he come to see me? It was all so confusing.

  At the start of my shift this morning, I was going out of my mind, but by closing time I had made a plan, finally knowing what I had to do. Slinging my satchel over my shoulder, I began the hike towards Graham's house.

  I would often trek through the trees and pass the spot where my father and I would set up camp every summer. As I reached the site, I walked over to an old log, brushing the snow aside as I took a seat. I wondered how my father was doing. Was someone looking after him? Was he still alive? A part of me loved him, after all, even when I tried not to. He was the only parent I ever knew. It
was sorrowful to know that a person who was so cruel, never showing an ounce of kindness, and who thought nothing of assaulting my body still, in the smallest of ways, had my love.

  I thought about other children growing up in similar situations to myself. Abused, neglected, yet their young minds gave unconditional love to those that were supposed to treasure them, protect them, and give them a life they deserved.

  I wished I had been strong enough to leave him earlier. Those years of loneliness almost consumed me, weighing down my soul like an anchor slowly drowning me. I had spent a lifetime trying to reach the surface to breathe, to feel the sunlight on my face. There were fleeting moments, their impressions seared into my memory; Eric, Ava, Sharon, and my friends were the rays of light, the life jackets keeping me afloat during some of the darkest moments. One thing my father didn't do was break me. If anything, he made me stronger, bolder, and never again would I allow anyone to treat me the way he had for my entire life up until the moment I found my courage.

  Standing up from the log, I pulled my shoulders back and started walking again. I didn't want to waste another moment thinking about a monster. I had to see Eric. I needed him, I wanted him, and damn it, I was going to prove it to him. Although I had thought I was doing the right thing by letting him go, allowing him to move on without me, I knew my life just wasn't going to be fulfilled without him by my side. You don't have to know someone a lifetime to know they are the one for you.

  Time and distance proved that, for there wasn't a day I didn't think about the boy who gave me a prom and made me smile daily. I was almost certain we belonged together. No, I knew we did. My heart knew we did.

  Clearing the woods, I stepped out into the snow-covered paddock at the back of Graham's farmhouse. My nerves were shot, but there was no turning back. I couldn't take another day of his silence, knowing he was so close. As I approached the house, instead of entering the back door and through the kitchen as I was accustomed to, I decided the appropriate way to expect a visitor was by knocking politely on the front door. I pressed the doorbell and took a step back.

  Graham opened the door and smiled. He looked pleased to see me there. I released a breath, the tension in my shoulders relaxing a little. I had made it this far without turning and running away, I figured I could be strong for a few minutes more.

  "Well, what a lovely surprise," the old man grinned at me.

  I couldn't reciprocate, as I braced myself for what I'd actually came to do. Graham raised a brow at me, a glint of understanding in his eyes and he also looked as if he was quite amused by my bravery.

  "How about I go get Eric for you? I see you're standing in that fight or flight mode so I have a feeling you will not take me up on the offer to come in," he chuckled.

  I couldn't have stated it better myself as I stood frozen to the spot. As I watched him disappear down the hallway, my courage all of a sudden wavered and I was ready to abscond. This was such a stupid idea! I almost turned and tucked tail, when the most captivating sight left me teetering on my feet.

  Eric walked along the hallway towards the open front door, towards me. He was so handsome, dressed in a black cashmere sweater with his sleeves pushed up to the elbows, exposing ink I never knew he had. Dark denim jeans and combat boots completed his look–almost. His chestnut hair, curling at the tips of his ears, was adorably disheveled and the stubble from at least a week’s growth covered his jaw, making him look like a mature man rather than the boy I remembered.

  As I peered up into his light, sea blue eyes, my mind screamed, "Home!" Yet as he approached, his eyes voiced his feelings; the hurt and confusion conveyed in his stare pierced my heart with each step he took towards me.

  When he reached the front door, he tried to look unaffected by my presence and I could see he was tucking his feelings away, securing them behind an invisible wall. As he stood before me in a wide stance with his head down and arms folded defensively in front of him, I knew he was just scared. He was protecting himself, his heart, from me.

  There was no turning back and no games to be played. I reached deep down within my soul, yanking out a boldness within me I never even knew existed in my twenty-four years of living. I wasn't about to beat around the bush. I just said what I was thinking and forgot every word I had been planning to say, every long drawn out sentence I had rehearsed as I walked to the house.

  "I miss you. I've missed you for six years, Eric. I tried to leave you alone, to let you be happy, I even tried to move on myself, but I'm selfish, okay! Here you are back in town and I haven't seen you in weeks and my heart is breaking, it's bleeding right now," I managed to blurt out in one breath, sucking in a lungful of air to replace the lack of oxygen. I dared to look up at him and I waited to see if my words had sunk in. I watched as a slow smile began to creep up the left side of his mouth.

  "You finished?" he asked. With a slight nod, I lowered my head again. "Good, because now I have something to say." He paused and, for just a moment, I thought he might be gently trying to figure out a way to let me down.

  "I've missed you like crazy. There wasn't a day that I didn't think about you, Ashley. Far out, I spent the last few years wondering if you were dead and praying you weren't. When I came home and saw you standing there… my heart almost couldn't take it."

  "Really?" I interjected, surprised by his fast admission. I searched his gaze for genuineness, and saw that light, that fire and honesty that drew me to him in the first place.

  He softly laughed. "Yes, really. I've missed you so much, Ash. When you didn't return that summer, I went out of my mind! We searched the best we could to find you, but with no luck. Thank God you're okay and you're here now," he stepped out the door and swooped me up in one move, cradling me close to his body. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and breathed him in, a part of me surprised that this was even happening right now.

  Eric refused to let me go. "There's still a lot of catching up to do, beautiful, but I'm home for good so we have a lot of time to figure this out, figure us out. I mean, I know it's been years, but I..."

  "It's always been us. You are all I've thought about Eric." I untangled one arm and brought it to his chest, pressing my hand above his heart. He lowered his head, resting his forehead against mine.

  "My heart has always beat for you. When I thought... thought you were dead, I couldn't breathe. For a while there, I did things, acted ways you would be ashamed of, Ash. But this right here," he tapped the hand I had pressed to his chest, "this never belonged to another."

  His honest admission opened something within me. "I… I saw you once, a while back," I admitted.

  "Huh?" He looked at me puzzled.

  "My father took us to Memphis for peach season and—"

  His eyes widened. "That was you?" Eric set me down and pulled away. "You were at the fruit stand? And that was you outside the hospital?" His face showed hurt and confusion as he peered down at me. Threading a hand through his hair, he was visibly upset.

  "I wanted to run over and see you, but… I saw you with a girl and I—"

  "No, it wasn't like that. Trust me it's not what it looked like. Jeez, Ash, you were really there." Eric's tone was melancholic. "I thought I was going crazy, seeing you places. Imagining you were there when you weren't. All this time, I wasn't crazy," he said stunned.

  I couldn't wait a minute more; every second we weren't touching was a wasted moment. I grabbed his shoulders, pulling him down as I lifted up on tippy-toes and claimed his lips, taking him by surprise. But before long, he caught up with what was happening and kissed me back as if he was drowning and I was the air he needed to keep breathing. I had waited years to be at this moment with him.

  I knew without a doubt as his mouth moved against mine I was utterly where I should be. I pressed myself closer, coiling tighter around him as if trying to meld us together like one of his sculptures. A tear slid from my eye at the feeling of being together again.

  There was something hurried about the moment, our em
otions begging to burst free, to be felt.

  Time stopped moving as we reacquainted ourselves, the slow kiss building into an all-out frenzy. Our absence from one another and our reaction at being together skyrocketed and I couldn’t have been happier.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Eric

  I lifted her off the ground with ease and made sure our mouths remained crushed together. I think I was trying to silence the moans that broke free from my mouth every time I took a breath. My hurried steps carried us through the house and I knew exactly where I was going as she wrapped her legs tighter around my waist, holding on for dear life. I entered my bedroom and gently closed the door behind us with my foot.

  The moment she heard the click of the latch, she let out a pained groan and broke our lip locked contact. "Umm, do you think we should be here? Doing… you know?" she whispered. For a second there, seeing her, holding her after so long, my lust had risen to a point where I didn’t think about my actions. She was right, this wasn’t who I was anymore.

  Slowly and reluctantly I released her and her feet hit the ground before I removed my hands from her waist. Rubbing at the back of my neck and taking a step backwards to lean against the door, I sighed. “You’re right. I think I got a little carried away,” I apologised. She looked up and an embarrassed shy smile lifted. “I think we both forgot ourselves there for a moment. I… gave my life to the Lord a few months back and I want to do things the way He would be proud of me, you know?” I nodded in understanding.

  “Well, good for you. Want to tell me about it?,” I asked as I walked on past her and took a seat on my bed, leaning against the wooden bed head. I patted the spot next to me and with lightning quick speed she dived onto the bed and snuggled into my side. “Oh , I have so much I want to tell you Eric, if you have the time to listen?” I squeezed her in tighter, and kissed the top of her head. “I have all the time in the world to listen to you.”