Skinny Pants

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  “You were in Bennett Wade’s skybox? Now I know you’re on something.”

  “I wish.” It would make the dread in her heart feel less painful. “Last night was rough.” She looked at Kirsten, trying not to crumble. “Have you ever heard of the Happy Pants Café?”

  Kirsten gave her a look, like she was insane for even asking. “They’re a local legend. The shop’s just up the road in St. Helena.”

  How come I’ve never heard of them? “So you know about these weird cookies?”

  “They did a whole series of articles after some reporter woman from the SF Tribune—a Harper something—ate one and fell in love with a reporter from a rival paper. Then some talk show people did a week’s worth of shows on the place—had couples who’d gotten married, claiming it was because of the cookies. They even sent a cookie to a lab to analyze it.”

  “What did they find?” Macie asked, finding all of this very hard to believe.

  “Space aliens. All crushed up.”

  Macie’s nostrils flared. Kirsten was being her usual smartass.

  “They found nothing.” Kirsten smiled. “Just your usual cookie ingredients. But even the owner of the shop says her cookies are just cookies—baked with love and nothing more.”

  “Well, I ate one yesterday, and all it did was blow my only chance with Dr. Reed, so I’m pretty sure they don’t make people fall in love.” Besides, she’d already had feelings for him before she ate the darn cookie.

  “Macie, I’m sure whatever you two fought over, he’ll forgive you.” She leaned in. “How big of a chance do you think you have though? Because I still want him.” She grinned.

  “Stop it.” Macie snarled.

  “Fine. But you have to admit, most of us would give anything to even be yelled at by Dr. Reed. Or looked at, spanked, tickled—really anything. So in my mind, your situation isn’t all bad.”

  “Now you’re just being annoying.”

  Kirsten shrugged. “Consider it revenge for stealing my man.” She walked away.

  Kirsten. Couldn’t she take anything seriously? Macie looked at her watch and decided it was time for a tea break. She grabbed a few dollars from her purse and headed to the cafeteria only to find Dr. Jack Reed near the coffee machine, talking to Dr. Kat in their matching white coats.

  Macie stopped in the doorway, her heart pounding. She wanted to talk to him, but Colt had been very clear: Give him time.

  Jack noticed someone staring from across the room and looked her way. His nonhostile expression flickered. First to bitter, then to a bright stunning smile, which he bestowed upon Dr. Kat in front of him.

  Oh. Okay. Fine. Show your smile to another woman. For a man like him, it was akin to showing her his penis. Sort of. But still, Macie knew that he didn’t bring out the smile for just anyone. It was earned, not given.

  Macie was about to retreat, but that would signal she felt guilty. Yes, she did feel bad for the Catrina situation, but that didn’t mean she’d conspired with his sister and Ms. Luci to make him fall in love against his will.

  This whole cookie thing is insane. Macie marched across the cafeteria toward Jack.

  “Hey,” she said, “we need to talk.”

  Jack looked up from Dr. Kat. “As you can see, I’m speaking to someone. So whatever you have to say can wait.”

  “Nope.” Macie crossed her arms. “And if you want to have this conversation in front of all these people, then fine.”

  Jack narrowed his green eyes at her. “We both know there’s nothing to say.”

  Macie lifted her brows. “All right. I warned you, but this is only going to make you look like a giant ass.”

  “You lied and went out of your way to deceive me,” he retorted. “There’s only one ass standing in this room.”

  Macie’s temper flared from the depths of her core. She could take the blame when it was deserved, but this was silly.

  “Wrong. There are two asses here,” she said. “Me because I allowed you to accuse me of some ridiculous cookie conspiracy, and you for actually believing such a thing exists!”

  “I’ll see you later, Jack. I have patients to see.” Dr. Kat walked away, chuckling.

  Jack was about to speak but instead closed his mouth, glared, and then turned and walked away.

  Wow. He wouldn’t even give her the satisfaction of a real fight? He doesn’t think I’m worth fighting for. He’s done with me.

  Sadness ripped through Macie’s heart. She’d always known some flaw of Jack’s would be uncovered eventually, but she thought it would be something minor like he talked during movies, left the toilet seat up, or snored. She never expected him to be a man who refused to give people the benefit of the doubt. Still, she couldn’t help feeling like she did: heartbroken over the thought of losing him—a man who genuinely liked her. A man she was falling in love with.

  There has to be a solution. But she simply didn’t see one.

  “So what are you going to do?” asked Grace later that night, standing in Macie’s kitchen, sipping a glass of white wine.

  “I don’t know. He’s pissed, and it doesn’t look like he’s willing to forgive me even if I didn’t do it.” Wearing her favorite satin blue lounging PJs, Macie topped off Grace’s glass and poured herself a drink too.

  “Meanwhile, he has no idea you did something he actually should get pissed over.”

  “Exactly.” Macie took a sip.

  “Why not ask forgiveness for the thing you didn’t do and call it a wash?” Grace suggested.

  “Because eventually, his sister and Luci will make it clear I wasn’t involved, and then he’ll be mad because I accepted responsibility for something I didn’t do, which he’ll see as another lie.” All so confusing!

  “I see your point.” Grace nodded. “Well, what do you want to do?”

  “I want to come clean. And I want to believe that if he really liked me, it will all work out. But that’s what I want, not what I think will happen.”

  “Macie, you’ve been going around and around about this. And every time you decide not to do it, something happens to make you doubt that choice.”

  “You’re right. I know.”

  “Then stop wasting your time when we all know you will never feel right if you don’t tell him.”

  This struggle was only a sign of how much was on the line.

  Macie sighed. “I actually emailed and told him that the picture wasn’t me.”

  “And?”

  “No reply.” Macie ran her hands over her hair, tugging with frustration on her ponytail.

  “Then try again. Maybe you can get him to listen to Catrina. Or better yet, ask to meet and be done with it.”

  Macie knew she’d dragged this out, and now it had become like an abscessed tooth she’d waited too long to pull. It was going to be messy and painful no matter what she did.

  “Macie, there’s no other choice. Every time you delay, you’re just falling more deeply in love with him. Better to know now if it’s not going to work out.”

  Gracie was right. If there was any hope of ever having a future with Jack, Macie had to do it now. Still, the chances he’d ever want her after finding out the truth were miniscule. What choice do I have?

  That night, she unblocked Jack’s number on her personal cell to draft a text as Catrina: I know you’re angry. I know you don’t trust me. All I’m asking for is a chance to explain.

  Before I told you that photo wasn’t me, you thought there might be something special between us.

  I think you might be right. But we’ll never find out if we don’t meet face-to-face and lay all of our cards on the table.

  I’m willing to take the risk.

  Are you?

  Macie hit send and waited.

  Please, Jack, she prayed to the darkness in her bedroom. Just open your heart for two minutes.

  But while opening it might allow him to hear her, it did not mean he’d forgive her.

  Suddenly, his reply popped onto her phone: When and
where?

  “Oh crap. This is really going to happen.” Okay. Stay calm. Stay calm.

  Macie gave it some serious thought. What were her real objectives? One, to make sure Jack knew she had not schemed with anyone, attempting to bamboozle him into a relationship using a ridiculous cookie. Two, that the catfishing was never intentionally directed at him. Or at anyone. It was a moment of weakness that went too far. For once, she had just wanted to know what it felt like to be a Catrina, and she’d quickly regretted it, even if it proved a sad point. Even a man as good as Jack wasn’t immune to listening to the little voice in his pants. He’d lusted after Catrina without ever knowing her. And when he’d met the same woman with a different face, she’d landed in the friend zone. At least initially. So if he was mad, she understood. But none of this had started out as a quest to deceive him.

  It all just freaking happened. One random event after another. Macie still couldn’t believe all of these bizarre coincidences.

  She looked at her phone and decided she’d tackle this head-on. Meet me Saturday at noon. She added the address.

  “You look beautiful, Mace,” said Fiona, sitting on Macie’s bed while Macie looked at herself in the mirror.

  “Stunning,” Grace added, standing to Macie’s side.

  “Thanks, guys.” She rarely wore short skirts, but this red one was adorable and screamed I’m all woman! Her white gauzy blouse, belted at the waist, allowed her to show lots of cleavage but not look like she was trying too hard. The black heels made her feel confident and sexy. Grace had helped her straighten her brown hair to a long glossy mane, and Fiona had helped with the finishing touches on her make-up, all natural looking, but definitely a little more effort than her daily face of bronzer, mascara, and sheer pink lipstick.

  “I’m so nervous.” Macie’s hands were actually shaking, but her heart was a mess. She planned to tell him that she was in love with him and then pray he felt the same. If he loved her too, he might just forgive her.

  Fiona gave Macie a pat on the back. “We’ve gone over everything. You know exactly what to expect, and you’re just going to let it all play out.” Meaning, basically Macie was prepared for the worst. Lying was a hot button for Jack, and she was fully prepared for him to be pissed and walk out. Which was why she’d carefully prepared her words in a short speech: Jack, I somehow, very accidentally catfished you before ever knowing you worked at my hospital. And while I should’ve never done it in the first place, I did. I just didn’t know how to tell you because it’s just too strange for words. But I’m Catrina. And now you’ve met me twice, and I’ve met you twice. And both times we clicked. I think that means something, so you’ll just have to find it in your heart to forgive me. Just like I’m going to forgive you for humiliating me in front of your friends and family the other night because I had nothing to do with that whole cookie thing. But know I’m forgiving you because I love you. And I hope you’ll do the same. Because you feel the same.

  And, cue Jack’s rage.

  Cue Jack telling me he’ll never speak to me again.

  Cue Jack stomping out.

  Cue agonizing heartbreak because this is never going to work.

  “I’m fucked.” Was there no way out of this?

  “No,” Fiona said. “You’re not fucked. You’re going to trust that he’s got strong feelings for you, too, and he’ll understand. You said he’s a good man, well, now he has to prove it.”

  “She’s right, Macie.” Grace spoke up. “You put him up on this incredibly high pedestal, but you hardly know him. He might not actually be the guy you think. And if he’s not, you’re about to find out.”

  “You’re right. I know you’re right.” If this was all meant to work out, it just would. “Okay.” Macie blew out a breath. “I’m ready.”

  “We’ll be standing by with champagne or tequila, right here.”

  “I love you guys.” Macie went in for the hug, and the three of them embraced.

  “See you soon.” Macie headed for the front door.

  Less than an hour later, Macie returned, ice pack on her nose, hiccupping uncontrollably, mascara running down her face, and her heart broken into a million pieces.

  Grace and Fiona looked up at her from the couch, where they were eating popcorn and watching Pride and Prejudice.

  “Oh shit.” Fiona took one look at Macie’s face and sprang from the couch. “What happened?”

  Macie couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t talk. She didn’t even remember driving herself home. “He—ohgod. I can’t—I can’t. It was so horrible! I never saw it coming. He just punched me.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “Motherfucking sonofabitch!” Jack hit the freeway in his black Tesla, heading toward the coast. It was a sunny summer afternoon just perfect for running, which he would do until his muscles gave out. How had he been such a fucking fool? He knew better. He fucking knew better! He couldn’t trust women because…because… They’ll say anything to get what they want! Most of them just wanted to get in his pants! And touch his abs. Like he was some damned piece of meat. Women are so heartless!

  All right. Fine. He was overreacting because of Doris, but she’d been a lesson he’d learned the hard way. She had been his best friend since the second grade. Then they married, and she broke his heart. How many times had she said she loved him? How many times had she looked him in the eyes and said she wanted a family and to grow old together? Then, one day, without warning, she speared him straight in the heart. “I’m in love with someone else.” Separation papers followed a few weeks later. Then divorce papers. She didn’t want alimony, the house, anything. Her new girlfriend, Francine, was a tech start-up millionaire. Doris just wanted to be free of him and start her new life with her Princess Charming. His patient! A woman whose life had been ruined after a bad skydiving accident and who, with his own two hands, was put back together. Her face anyway. A new nose, chin, everything. She came out looking almost perfect. And her thanks? Stealing his wife. His best friend. His heart.

  It was why he’d changed specialties and finally sold his house across the Bay in the Berkeley Hills even though his sister lived across the street with little Colt and her new husband, Bennett. Jack just couldn’t stand one more day of living in the past with signs of Doris everywhere—the floral wallpaper she’d picked out, the girly furniture, the horrible pink carpets. It was a reminder that he’d given her everything—her dream home, his faithful heart, his support, his friendship. He’d never so much as looked at another woman and that said a lot. Women constantly hit on him.

  Women are demons! I’m going to become a monk! A…silent one! Even his own goddamned sister, Taylor, had double-crossed him trying to interfere in his love life when he’d made it clear to her and that crazy Ms. Luci that he wanted to be left alone.

  Speak of the devils! Jack’s phone rang and Taylor’s number popped up on the console. He hit the END CALL button on his steering wheel and kept his eyes on the road.

  The phone quickly rang again. END CALL.

  And again. END CALL.

  And again. “What!” he yelled, finally answering.

  “Don’t you what me, Jack Daniel Reed. What the fuck! What the fuck did you do?” Taylor bellowed.

  Yes, Daniel was his middle name, his father’s nod to his Tennessee roots.

  “Wait. You’re yelling at me?” Jack pulled off at the exit and parked on the side of the road. He couldn’t drive like this. He would either end up killing himself or someone else, and if anything, he’d seen enough accident victims in his life. “You listen to me, Taylor. This is your fault. You and that damned crazy love-witch Luci! I told you to butt out! I told you to leave me the fuck alone.”

  “I didn’t do anything, Jack. And you should be ashamed of yourself for believing your own sister would go behind your back like that. Just because Doris lied doesn’t mean everyone on the planet with a vagina can’t be trusted.”

  “Yes. It does!” he screamed.

  “Macie is a ni
ce woman, Jack. And from what Luci just told me you did, I think the only one who can’t be trusted is you!”

  “Did Luci tell you that Macie catfished me?”

  “What?”

  “Yes. Catfished. She put up a fake profile and pretended to be a woman named Catrina.”

  “What? Why would she do that?”

  “You tell me, Taylor! You fucking tell me why every woman I trust is a liar.”

  “Jack, you’re not making any sense! This doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Exactly. You expect me to believe that you and Luci aren’t somehow involved. This has Happy Pants matchmaking bullshit written all over it.”

  “But, Jack, I swear, I didn’t know a thing. And sending Macie that cookie was a fluke. Think about it. I couldn’t arrange to have Macie working in the ER on the night Luci had a heart attack. That’s ludicrous.”

  Perhaps, but it wouldn’t have been too difficult to find out that Macie was the same woman he’d met at work and mentioned casually in a conversation to his sister.

  “I liked her, Taylor. I really liked her.” Maybe even more than liked. “And you all fucked up the one chance I had to put my life back together with a real woman and not some gold-digging trophy wife.”

  “Jack, not every woman that likes you is a shallow bitch.”

  “Maybe not, but Macie was…” his voice trailed off. He was too pissed, too shocked by what Macie had done to admit that he thought she might be “the one.” But his heart thought so, because every time he got near her, the damned thing started beating like a loud drum. Macie was vivacious and funny. She didn’t try to impress him or shy away from his cold exterior, which was the only defense he had against these women hitting on him all the time. Nevertheless, none of them were right for him because they didn’t take the damned time to look him in the eyes and see him. If they had, they’d know. He was not looking for a quick fuck. He was a traditional, old-fashioned gentleman like he’d been raised to be.

  Fine. I’m a fucking dinosaur. So what? But Jack’s father, Nick, had raised them all on a steady diet of stories about Jack’s mother—love at first sight, his one true love, the person he was meant to be with even if she’d died giving birth to Taylor. Jack’s father had told them again and again that a thousand beautiful women weren’t worth one day with a woman you were meant to love. I thought that woman might be Macie.