Unintended Heroes

by Paul Vayro

Chapter Twenty Two

  “I’m in a bath aren’t I?” Brick opened his eyes to the familiar sight of a bathroom ceiling.

  “It would appear from my vantage point you are, yes.” Spiritwind sat up. Any attempt at neck movement was greeted with a severe twinge. Spiritwind revealed the cause with a cursory glance at the floor. “I don’t know who suggested this carpeted step as a pillow but their idea of potential comfort should never be heeded again.”

  “It was probably the same person that suggested this sink.” Jam’s voice entered the discussion. Brick and Spiritwind were used to waking up in curious places but they were usually alone in their ridiculous choices of dozing venues. Spiritwind turned his entire body to look behind him. All he could see of his intoxicated captain was a shoe sticking out of the faucet. Brick raised his body up the natural slant of the bath to see each of Jam’s limbs draped over the edge of the shell-like, porcelain cleansing implement. Brick continued to peer around the room in discovery.

  A full bathroom suite of catalogue perfection shone around the drunken crew. They were clearly not a part of the intended design. The room was split into two levels, the height difference making the effort barely worthwhile. The bath straddled the altitude divide, the sink firmly positioned on the higher level. Spiritwind remained still from the shoulders up, sat on the step and un-wrapping a scotch egg.

  Jam removed his numbing limbs from the sink. The blood had struggled to keep them full through the night, its passage restricted by the edges they hung over. Making contact with the floor, haemoglobin flooded back to its natural path with added tingles and feeble levels of control. Jam used his hands to aid his faltering legs, holding himself up on his chosen bed for the evening.

  “Are we in the toilet in the pub?” Brick took his first guess at their whereabouts.

  “If this is a pub toilet then the future definitely gets my thumbs up.” Spiritwind raised his thumbs. It was about all he could move without inviting agony. The only position of comfort he could find for his head was down and to the left. He offered a suggestion as he experimented with small, measured movements. “Why don’t you see what’s through that door?” He pointed vaguely to his left.

  “Maybe I will.” Brick answered in defiant tone before scrambling from the bath in a manner befitting a duck dismounting a springboard. He wobbled his way to the door, curious as to his obsession with water based sleeping places.

  The door revealed a bedroom of minimal lighting. A bed large enough for several oversized mammals dominated the room. Resting upon it were two females, both fully clothed and beginning to stir. Brick closed the door the moment his brain acknowledged what he’d seen.

  “There are two women in there.”

  “Women? Oh yeah, we met those two women.” Spiritwind added an inch to his neck movement.

  “How will we get out with the owners……what women?” Brick’s brain caught up with his friend’s memory.

  “The two female heroes we met in the pub.” Eye contact remained minimal. “What were they called? Bettina and Dandruff or something.”

  “Did that really happen? I presumed I’d dreamt that. Am I still dreaming?”

  Jam gave up standing and sat on the rim of the bath. “I’m glad somebody else asked that question. We just need to know whose dream it is.” Jam wondered why his pants were so wet if this was a dream. Why would his subconscious impose such a penalty?

  “Hold on. I have a memory returning from the midst.” Spiritwind’s Scotch egg was working its magic. “I recall Bettina explaining something about a grade one hero package. Something about single heroes on a quest will inevitably meet up with other single heroes of the opposite sex. And that love will blossom through the initial hatred as they celebrate the climax of the adventure with a kiss.”

  “What did you say to that?”

  “Think I went to get another drink in panic. Didn’t know if she wanted me to kiss her or not so I went all awkward.”

  Brick had let Spiritwind’s initial sentence sink in. “So are you saying we now possess the power to be forced in to intimate situations with hot women?”

  “She didn’t mention anything about hot.” Spiritwind gained a further two inches of neck movement, and a good portion of his ability to turn right.

  “Hot was my added extra, but I believe the essence of my question remains the same?”

  “That’s what she said.”

  “Well that’s marvellous. I wonder what else we can do.”

  “What’s marvellous?” Bettina walked casually into the bathroom and headed to the sink. She somehow maintained an air of freshness despite the heavy nights drinking.

  “You are. Marvellous that is. Sorry. Still a bit drunk. Struggling with social control.” Brick embarrassed himself, forgetting about the grade one powers in the process.

  “Let’s not continue with all the apologies. There was enough last night.” Bettina smiled at Spiritwind as she passed him. The warmth it held was enough to wipe the memory of pain from Spiritwind’s neck. He jarred his head back to reciprocate. It quickly snapped back to its safe position in agony. He could easily interpret a smile of affectionate interest, just not when aimed at himself. Spiritwind always erred on the side of intended friendship. It led to less embarrassment.

  “You’re wasting your time with that sink. It doesn’t even have a tap.” Jam tried to assist Bettina as she approached the porcelain water host. Just because he was dreaming it didn’t mean he couldn’t be helpful.

  “It doesn’t need one. Whatever you place within it is covered by a fine water vapour.” She swilled her face with the delicacy of a flower amidst a spring shower. Jam would swear she moved in slow motion, although that may be down to a purple phial he recalled drinking. At least he now understood why his pants were so wet.

  “Do you know where we are?” Brick stuck to safer topics.

  “Why? Where do you think we are?” Bettina’s skin glistened as she turned. The grin suggested she knew fully.

  “In the toilet in the pub?” Brick had little else to offer.

  “You are funny.” Even though Brick spoke, Bettina tapped Spiritwind on the head as she stepped down a level. Spiritwind looked confused. He’d forgotten the conversation they’d shared which saw him admit he couldn’t read a woman’s amorous intentions. Bettina thought of it as something to toy with, and as she thought Spiritwind was a nice guy she didn’t mind if it led to a cheeky snog.

  Bettina chose not to answer the question concerning where they were. Instead she left the door teasingly ajar as she passed through it. Sharing glances of uncertainty Brick, Spiritwind and Jam remained still. Only Jam was unsure what they were all so unsure about. Bettina realised they may need further enticement and popped her head back in. “Come on. We have a universe to save.”

  Brick followed first. Spiritwind and Jam were still recovering from the effects of their evening’s rest. Jam waddled and Spiritwind stuttered through a bedroom of showroom feel and into a living room devoid of the sense of life. By the time the stragglers arrived Brick was already debating something with Dandara.

  “Couldn’t help noticing gender equality went straight out of the window when it came to dishing out the sleeping comfort.” Brick’s tone pushed moral mockery.

  “We arm wrestled you for it.” Dandara stole everything but a whimper from the sentence.

  “These future living rooms are cosy aren’t they?” Brick moved on.

  With the addition of Jam and Spiritwind the room had become somewhat cramped. An armchair, sofa, coffee table and television took up most of the floor space. Decoration was meagre, personality lacking. A figure sat in the armchair, apparently comatose. Brick gave him a shake.

  “Come on buddy. We’ve got an adventure to be on. No sleeping on the job I’m afraid. I’ve tried.” He turned to the others. “Where did we pick this guy up from?”

  “We didn’t. This is his flat. He’s in the virtual world.” Dandara didn’t look up from the book she and Bettina were p
erusing. Bettina offered a glance and an amused smile to Brick, but looked straight back at the manual once it had been caught.

  “Oh. Is that bad? Should we ring somebody? Police maybe? Poke him with a stick? Only put the telly on half volume?” Brick noticed Spiritwind and Jam eyeing up the sofa. He casually moved towards one end in an effort to claim a seat. He didn’t want to be stuck in the middle, a position of debatable worth on such comfort potential. Dandara saw his move.

  “I hope you’re not thinking of sitting down.” Her stern tone didn’t require the removal of her gaze from the book.

  “Erm, no.” Brick had no idea why he was denying such a reasonable action. He believed it was a subconscious response to the tone he was faced with.

  “I’m guessing there’s a reason we shouldn’t? Morning by the way.” Spiritwind used a more practical approach to finding out why, and fulfilled his politeness duties in one succinct sentence. Bettina winked back, Dandara remained engrossed but responded.

  “If you sit there you’ll enter the virtual world.”

  “I thought that was why we were here.” Brick was confused.

  “It is, but it always helps to know as much information as possible before entering a world blindly.” Dandara looked up and motioned towards her reason for reading the book.

  “I see. You’re one of those ‘be prepared’ style heroes.” Brick flounced in to speech mode. The minimal space in the living room limited his knowledgeable striding to three steps, one of which had to pass an unconscious man in a chair. “Me and Spiritwind are your more classical ‘take a chance and deal with the consequences as you go’ style. We live on the edge, fly by the seat of our pants, whatever that actually means. Oh yes indeed we are the essence of risk.”

  “Steffi Graf!” Spiritwind cursed while wiping mustard from his shirt. It had fallen from the hot dog he was devouring and somewhat lessened the impact of Brick's speech, which was already minimal.

  “Shall we, gentlemen?” Dandara slammed the book shut and motioned towards the settee. The two females took up a position on each arm of the three piece furniture.

  “Any chance of a quick summing up of what we’re about to do?” Brick had to ask, surprised at his need for encouragement to take a pew.

  “What happened to flying by the seat of your pants?”

  “I’ve saved a space for you Spiritwind.” Bettina patted the place nearest her. It was the end of the sofa nearest Brick. Panic shot across the well haired hero's face as Spiritwind obliged.

  “Thank you very much. That’s very considerate of you.” Spiritwind told himself it was simply a friend showing consideration, nothing more, nothing less. If he didn’t let the idea take hold that she liked him then he couldn’t embarrass himself later on. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to kid.

  “You’d better take this corner Jam. You don’t look like you could remain sat upright in the middle. Slumping will suit you better.” Dandara eased Jam on to the other end, leaving Brick’s question about what they were doing hanging and his panic at the seating arrangements growing. He hated the centre seats of sofas with a passion most people reserve for monstrous heads of state. The centre of a full sofa was practically the antithesis of its being. Its uselessness only rivalled by that of a corner unit in the desert. There was nothing but discomfort to be gained from such a seat.

  With Jam sat down Brick was ushered to the middle. It was clear Dandara was waiting to have everyone in position before explaining further. Brick stropped his way to the centre and sat heavily. It was a social nightmare. Every movement encroached on another’s space, the fear of inappropriate contact ruining any chance of relaxation.

  “Now that we are all comfortable…”

  “Humph.” Brick deflected Dandara’s sweeping statement.

  “Most of us at least. We simply sit back, relax, and allow our minds to be taken into the virtual world. It should happen quite naturally.”

  “As if I can relax sitting here. It’ll take…..oh hold on.” A falling sensation slipped from deep within each hero’s soul. Darkness took over as the sensation of a journey gripped every part of their being. Brick reached out to the flow in an effort to go with it. He reasoned it couldn’t be taking him anywhere more uncomfortable than where he was sitting.

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