Unintended Heroes

by Paul Vayro

Chapter Thirty One

  "Have we fallen into an elaborate trap?" Not Brick whispered to Not Spiritwind as the pair arrived atop Noel Hill to find it empty.

  "I don't know. I'll find out." Not Spiritwind arched his path towards Spiritwind, much to the silent protestations of Not Brick. "Brick's wondering if we've been a little naive and walked into a trap."

  "I see your Brick's just as paranoid as the version I live with."

  "Indeed. He has that really useful type of paranoia that only works after it's too late to do anything about the thing you're being paranoid about."

  "Some say it's the third most useful kind. I can assure you there is no trap. Although knowing Brick he'll claim I'd tell you that even if it was." Spiritwind drew on experience, and the line of red liquorice he had in his pocket.

  "Thanks anyway." Not Spiritwind decelerated and angled his way back to Not Brick. He shared what he'd learnt. "No. We haven't fallen into a trap."

  "Well he would say that wouldn't he, wouldn't blow his carefully prepared ambush."

  "He wouldn't lie. Looks like a fine upstanding chap to me. Biscuit?" Not Spiritwind offered a calming slab of treat to accompany his words.

  "Not unless there's a creamy bit in the middle. Why are you smirking anyway? And why is there a face floating in the air?" Not Brick looked up to see Bobby Dazzler peering from his craft. With the cloaking device on the ship remained unseen, as did the ladder the rest of Bobby proceeded to climb down. Upon reaching the ground Bobby greeted the returning crew; then aimed straight for the natives to the planet.

  "It warms my pleasant soul to a temperature of delight to meet you both. You must be the Brick and Spiritwind that reside on this particular splendid example of nature?" The cheery man shook each confused hand.

  "And you must be from somewhere that isn't Earth, but must house the universe's finest hat makers." Brick could only respond with curiosity at Mr Dazzler's oversized head and accompanying headpiece.

  "Biscuit?" Not Spiritwind wished he'd brought his giant cookies. His meagre offerings would look like a flu tablet near such a mouth.

  "How marvellous, you even have the same interesting quirks: endearingly offensive musings and a constant desire to eat."

  The Magwanvu found its way to the floor and observed the gathering. It watched jealously as the two Brick and Spiritwind's moved entirely independently of each other. It didn't take long for Not Brick to notice the synchronized actions of the trio. He posed his observations towards the passing Brick.

  "Is it just me or are they...."

  "Oh yes. You should go and speak to them. They love nothing more than being asked all about it." Brick nodded the nod of untapped mischief and left his counterpart to it. The well haired hero didn't know where he was heading or why, but he thought appearing to have a direction in mind made him look more competent.

  Dandara had headed back on board her own craft. Bettina strolled nonchalantly behind, looking for a more interesting social offer to appear. Not Spiritwind and Bobby fell effortlessly into conversation. The pair wandered directionless with a bag of chocolate covered fruits. Not Brick approached The Magwanvu.

  "I hope you don't mind me asking but are you all moving as one?" Not Brick was direct yet polite.

  "Yes we are. We are The Magwanvu: three separate entities sharing one collective expressive. But not one mind. Or personality. I think I covered that with my opening statement. Your opening statement? Can we not do this.....?" Not Brick hadn't even started trying to wind them up.

  Meanwhile Jam had heard the growing noise outside and decided to investigate. Attempting to navigate the invisible ladder he failed and found himself head first in the grass. Brick's ambling path had led him to the accident. He checked his captain was okay, hoping somebody else would show up should mouth to mouth resuscitation be needed.

  "You appear to have fallen, Jam."

  "I was wondering where this floor came from. I distinctly remember pointing upwards only moments ago."

  "Are you alright like that or do you want help getting up?"

  "I believe help should always be the final option. I'm fairly sure I can sort this one out myself. Would you like a drink by the way? I may go and get one. I'm suddenly feeling incredibly painful."

  "Only if you're making one." Brick spotted Not Spiritwind talking to Bobby. Mistakenly believing it to be his life-long friend he decided to go and rant at him about something irrelevant. Finally his walk had a purpose attached.

  Jam kept him updated on the drinks order. "I shall have your beverage ready in a time. Just have to scrape this planet to scrape off my face first."

  "There's no rush." Brick was nothing if not understanding.

  While Brick pursued Not Spiritwind the actual Spiritwind strolled aimlessly at the brow of the hill. Bettina had found her 'more interesting social offer', and crept up behind him. "Could I have a biscuit?"

  Spiritwind paused, about to place the last one in his mouth. "Of course you can." He hoped he hadn't dribbled on it.

  "Thanks sweet-cheeks." Spiritwind knew sweet-cheeks was a friendly expression often used ironically between friends. It meant nothing.

  "That's alright. I've another two packets in me socks."

  "Ah, preparation; that's what I really, really like about you. You're always ready for anything." Bettina flicked Spiritwind's nose, sending the average sized man into a spiral of social confusion. Her next move did nothing to pull him out of it. "You've got hair gel on your t-shirt." Bettina leaned it to wipe it clean, close enough to kiss with the merest pursing of each other's lips.

  Spiritwind's mind flew through everything he knew about women, quickly cross referencing his knowledge with the potential consequence of his next action. He could go for it and snog Bettina's face off, but then may find himself with a girlfriend and all the associated palaver that would bring. Spiritwind was not a man who could back out of relationships easily hence his reticence at beginning one. Alternatively he could be reading things entirely wrong. She could just be being friendly and showing genuine concern for the state of his clothing. If he went for the kiss he may offend her for the rest of the mission. Then not only would he miss out on a potential friendship with a hot lady but he would also be thought of as a sexual criminal when in fact all he was, was confused. On the other hand she may want him to kiss her, and his lack of reciprocation could cause even more offence. Women definitely didn't appreciate rejection, probably less than unwanted attention. Then not only would he not get the kiss he wanted but she wouldn't offer it ever again for fear of further denial. And on top of that she'd think he was nothing but a tease and be annoyed at him.

  By the time Spiritwind had processed all these thoughts Brick had already intervened. Spiritwind emerged from his mind to find his friend berating him. Bettina had stepped back. Did she look disappointed? Had he blown it in all three ways? Spiritwind couldn't tell.

  "I thought that other Spiritwind was you. I've just been having a go at him for eating in the shower. I'm sick of standing in crumbs for the few moments before I get jolted out of it." Brick had still not taken They's advice on dealing with the cold leg problem he endured. "To be fair he was very reasonable about the whole thing. Promised to think about what I'd said. The point is I've just negotiated a slightly cleaner shower for someone else to benefit from."

  "How do you know that wasn't me and I just pretended to be the other me to shut you up?" Spiritwind shook off his female confusion and countered seamlessly. Bettina revelled in the bald man's confusion. She could thoughts clunking around his head without resolution. She smiled to herself and watched the debate unfold.

  "So which one does that make you?" Brick believed he could work this out.

  "Which one does that make me in reality or in line with his story?"

  "Do those two scenarios have different answers?"

  "I'm not entirely sure. Have you got a pen and paper? Maybe we can work it out." Spiritwind had genuinely confused himself and was more curious than Brick t
o find out who he was.

  "I've definitely got paper in me back-pocket. Hold on." Brick rummaged as Bettina continued to be amused.

  "STAY IN YOUR ROOM THEN!" Dandara stormed down the ramp from her ship, shouting back in its direction while heading towards the trio.

  "I've told you not to confront it." Bettina gave her standard advice as Dandara came within earshot.

  "I didn't confront it. I tried to give it the new co-ordinates and it told me not to order it around. I'm getting a hammer."

  "Did you try to respect its position and understand its feelings on the matter?" Bettina already knew the answer, but it was always worth asking.

  "No. I told it, it's a computer that I bought and can order around as I please. Its main purpose is to be given orders, not sulk. That's when it stormed off to its room."

  "How does a computer have a room to storm off to?" Brick couldn't find a pen so had to entertain himself another way. Questioning Dandara became it.

  "It's more of a conceptual room. When it's in its 'room' it won't accept any commands and only talks through one word shouts and feigned lack of hearing." Bettina spoke as Dandara fumed.

  "Who even gave it a room?" Brick gave up completely on the pen.

  "Apparently it came with the teenage personality setting that it refuses to turn off."

  "Would you like me to take a look at it?" Brick knew nothing about computers, but he did know how to look and sound as though he knew about any topic you cared to give him.

  "I didn't think you knew anything about computers?" Dandara called his bluff.

  "I don't, but I do know about teenagers." Brick scanned the hill for Not Brick. He was standing in front of The Magwanvu, giggling as the triple person gesticulated at itself at a worrying pace. "Let's see how your teenager deals with a double dose of Brick Wall."

  Brick strode towards his double. After several minutes giggling and pointing Brick remembered why he was there and ushered Not Brick past the watching group, and towards Dandara and Bettina's craft. "We'll be back in a minute." Brick doffed his imaginary cap and disappeared up the ramp. The Magwanvu was happy to continue bickering alone.

  Less than five minutes later the duo reappeared, deep in conversation.

  "........if nobody bought them they'd have to lower the price."

  "It's nice to finally meet someone with common sense. Honestly, the looks I get for suggesting such things."

  "So?" Dandara stopped the pair as they prepared to walk straight past.

  "So......You've been thinking and you've finally realised I'm right about the love story angle we've got going on?" The facial expression the pair received in response suggested she should not be toyed with on this matter. "Go in and have a chat."

  Dandara walked towards her ship, doubt spread across her face. Barely a minute passed before she returned with a hug for each Brick.

  "This is nothing but a physical manifestation of joy. Don't read anything in to it." Both Brick's instantly presumed she loved them. Bettina and Spiritwind awaited an explanation. It duly came.

  "It apologised. Apologised! It said from now on it will try to be as co-operative as it can and practically begged me to stay with it. What did you do?"

  "We just talked." Brick played down his role in an effort to appear cool.

  "Then the computer came out of its room and asked who we were." Not Brick followed suit.

  "So we asked it who it was. What it does for a living, that kind of thing."

  "You asked why a lot."

  "Well I like to know why. It's crucial." The pair alternated at a frantic pace.

  "It is crucial."

  "At least we both agree on the important issues."

  "Well you have to agree on the fundamentals, basis of good teamwork."

  "Edited version?" Dandara had a mission to get on with even if everybody else had forgotten.

  "Alright. Such a demanding audience. Where were we?"

  "You asked why a lot."

  "Well I like to know why."

  "That's when the computer started getting frustrated." Not Brick moved the story along. He didn't want to push Dandara in to unleashing headlocks.

  "Then it got annoyed at us."

  "Then it got confused."

  "Then it shouted at us."

  "Then we told it that if it wanted to be the computer on our ship it would have to change its attitude."

  "Then it wanted to know what we meant."

  "So we told it we were negotiating with the current owners to buy it as our new home, said you said you couldn't cope with the attitude of the onboard computer anymore so wanted to sell." The smug grin appeared in stereo.

  "We told it we'd never neglect it and would be there every waking hour to keep it company."

  "Told it we were complete space novices and had lots of questions and things we wanted to see."

  "Then you started with your whys again."

  "May I refer to my previous statement about liking to know why."

  "After a few minutes of inquisitiveness it asked to speak to you, in a somewhat weepy voice."

  "Well......Thank you." Gratitude from Dandara to Brick didn't come easy. She threw in a further sentence to make herself feel better. "Although you do realise your smugness stems from being so annoying that a computer would rather change its ways than live with you?"

  "You hugged us." Brick only had one memory and it didn't involve a barbed comment.

  "Shall we go and program our new, helpful computer with the co-ordinates." Bettina ushered Dandara away from the two Bricks. It could only end in a Chinese burn.

  The two Bricks remained in a smug trance while Spiritwind noticed his own doppelganger sharing a chat and a pie with Bobby. He meandered towards the section of hill they occupied.

  Spiritwind's arrival was greeted with the offer of a seat and a slice of the savoury treat. Both were accepted. The trio gazed happily across the town, all content in the silence. Only when Spiritwind had finished his pie did he speak.

  "That was a tasty pie. What was it?"

  "It was goodbye pie. I thought we could all have a slice each." Not Spiritwind revealed nothing about its content.

  "You do know there isn't enough to go round everyone?" Spiritwind applied basic maths to the intent.

  "There was originally but nobody seemed that bothered. And I am a hungry man."

  "Did you ask anyone?" Spiritwind's tone remained curious rather than an accusation.

  "I asked Bobby."

  "Did you have any Bobby?"

  "Oh I did. It was truly a glorious experience. Filled a spot of delight I hadn't known was empty."

  "Did you not want two?" Spiritwind spoke as he helped himself to his own second slice.

  "Two would be too many. One was enough to accompany such a wonderful view."

  "So can I have that one as well?" Spiritwind pointed to one of the two remaining pieces with the hand that didn't already contain pie.

  "Of course, if there's only one left I may as well oblige." Not Spiritwind emptied the plate as contemplation drifted over the trio once more. It lasted until the final crumbs had been devoured.

  "I suppose if the goodbye pie is finished we should say goodbye." Spiritwind verbalised the symbolism behind the end of the pastry based joy.

  "That is the rule of the pie." Not Spiritwind had no legal room to argue.

  "I'm not a man to argue with a pie."

  "And why would you find difference with such an ingenious form of nourishment?"

  "I wouldn't."

  "Then I guess it's time to say goodbye." Not Spiritwind completed a poignant verbal circle.

  "We'd better inform the others." Spiritwind began to stand.

  Bettina and Dandara came no further than their ramp to offer a parting wish to Not Brick and Not Spiritwind. As far as they were concerned the duo were coming with them anyway. Bobby felt he'd more than fulfilled his goodbye duties and shook Not Brick's hand on his way back to The Tub. Reaching the top of the ladder he bump
ed in to Jam, who was returning with Brick's drink. Rather than risk the ladder again Jam downed it on the spot and waved goodbye, believing Brick and Spiritwind were staying behind. The Magwanvu had stopped speaking in an effort to avoid any more arguments. It tried to look away from itself and offered a raised hand in parting. It left only the two sets of Brick and Spiritwind beneath The Tub of Fun.

  Spiritwind opened the conversation, aiming his words at Not Spiritwind. "Although I'm saying goodbye I feel no sadness in our parting, for I know I can look in the mirror at any time and see you staring back. Equally any pearls of wisdom you may offer are merely the things I would think of anyway. In summation we lose nothing by our separation, and I know you do not find my words harsh because they are exactly the things you are thinking." Spiritwind offered a hand to shake. It contained a pack of cookies.

  "That pretty much covers it." Not Spiritwind mirrored the cookie offering. Realising they were swapping like for like, each Spiritwind simply kept their own. Spiritwind continued speaking.

  "As for you Not Brick, I'm not saying goodbye because you will be coming with me...."

  "Am I? Is this a surprise gift? A free ticket to space and adventures? A bag of memories waiting to be tore open...." Spiritwind remained straight faced, waiting for realisation to slap Not Brick into coherence. It didn't take longer than a cookie. "....A plate of.....you mean because Brick is with you don't you?" The pair shared a nod. Spiritwind boarded the craft.

  "Can we just presume that's what I was going to say to you?" Not Spiritwind hijacked his simile's goodbye, shook Brick's hand, and wandered towards the lip of the hill.

  The two Brick's faced each other. Eventually Brick spoke. "As you know I'm not big on goodbyes."

  "The coincidences never stop."

  "So should we share a manly handshake and a brief see you later?"

  "I think that's best." Not Brick tried to turn down the volume on the orchestral soundtrack running through his mind. It begged to see him cry.

  "It's been an honour to meet such a wise man." Brick began the platitudes.

  "It's been an honour to see my hair from an outsider's perspective. It truly is a sight to behold." Not Brick focused on the physical benefits.

  The pair shared a handshake, a nod, and turned to follow their respective destinies.

  Brick and Spiritwind stood in the doorway of The Fun Tub, waving down to Not Brick and Not Spiritwind. Pulling the invisible door shut and tying the rope, both ships left the ground. Only one spluttered as it did so. Not Brick and Not Spiritwind remained in place until the disrupted air had returned to normality. The duo then turned and wandered back down Noel Hill.

  "I think I was in there with that Dandara. Did you see that hug she gave me?" Not Brick opened the strolling home discussion.

  "You mean the hug that she expressly stated was merely a physical manifestation of joy. The hug she told you not to read anything in to."

  "All women say that. It's up to us men to read what they really mean."

  "I think she really meant it was just a hug of joy." Not Spiritwind found a toasty from nowhere in particular.

  "That is the attitude that keeps you single my friend."

  "Sorry. I forgot about your hordes of female admirers."

  "Oh they're there. They just prefer to remain subtle and in the background."

  "You keep telling yourself that."

  "I will."

  "Do you want a cookie while you do?"

  "Has it got a creamy bit in the middle?"

  And so life continued to meander in vaguely structured circles of nonsense.

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