Unintended Heroes

by Paul Vayro

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  "You know what these look like?" Brick had an idea fully brewed.

  "A series of big holes in a line?" Spiritwind had an answer of minimal effort.

  "Exactly! A series of big holes created by a series of giant golfers on an unimaginably huge golf course. These must be their divots."

  "All in a line? A perfect straight line stretching towards that tree in the distance before coming to a curiously abrupt halt?" Dandara tried to convey her disagreement through subtlety.

  "Maybe this is the driving range and everyone points yonder." Brick pointed, shielding his eyes in order to ignore Dandara's disappointed stare.

  "Using olde English doesn't make your point any stronger. I tire of telling ye this." Spiritwind acknowledged his pun with a choc dip.

  "What do you think Jam?" Brick looked for support, just not in Dandara's direction.

  Jam took a firm swig from his hip flask before speaking. "I think the universe is a giant antelope tearing through the plains of existence, fearing for its own mortality. Time and physics its hunter. Trying to bring it down and impose their fundamental laws onto the unruly child it continues to be. Why can't I be an eternal entity with no beginning or end? It cries. Stamping its feet upon their insistence on such narrow thinking as a start and end....."

  "Does this lead to an explanation of the holes at any point?" Dandara could see nobody else was prepared to step in.

  "Do the holes start and end?" Jam accepted the question.

  "Yes. They start behind us and end over by that tree."

  "Then the holes are the very physical manifestation of my point." Jam took another swig.

  "And what is this point?" Dandara was a stickler for sense.

  "I don't know. I hadn't quite got to that part yet. You interrupted me and alas we may never know what I was going on about. It's a shame. Had a good rhythm to it I thought."

  "Can we presume you're finished then?" Dandara had her own schedule to complete.

  "For the moment it would appear so. I may go and investigate these holes. Has anyone else noticed them? They're everywhere. They may offer some kind of clue to this mission thing you're all on. It's just me thinking aloud though. There is no contractual obligation to either listen or follow my words." Jam wandered off towards a hole.

  Bobby had been stood, quietly gazing into the forestry in the hope of catching a glimpse of the wildlife he could sense inhabited the area. He adored watching animals in their own habitat, going about their day with the minimum of fuss.

  A rustling in the foliage drew Bobby's attention. The human finger and eye he could see enticed further study. Sensing no evil intent from the lonely digit and lens Bobby didn't panic, choosing to observe the observer instead. It was Chris the Curious, and he'd seen enough to equally feel no threat from the group. Bobby watched as the finger and eye grew into an entire person, stepping from the bush and straight into the conversation.

  "Thou holes are made by a craft which falls from the clouds. Reaching a thundering halt upon thon tree the capsule spills its contents of those within. Hello. I'm Chris the Curious......" Chris answered the confused looks with an introduction and a shake of the hand. He continued to speak as he did a full round of pleasantries. "A man of small stature and temper appears without fail, upon recent times thee hath been joined by two creatures of imposing size." Finishing his greetings Chris moved towards the centre of the group, gently turning as his regale continued.

  "No matter how many they be, the pattern doth remain the same: thee stride towards thon village with boxes and implements of dubious description. Thou two mounds of men be forced to don costumes without logic. Their bulk secreted to seem no bigger than you or I, although perhaps bigger than yon and yonder." Chris pointed at Spiritwind and Bobby. Spiritwind tutted to the sky, Bobby beamed at being involved. "Why doth this man's head sit so much larger than yon frame? Besides the sides. Thon trio spend passing's of the orb around mon village of non movement before leaving thus. Never do I be seen, or intend to. I know not of their actions, but my trust is not with them." The group didn't know what to say.

  "Hello. I'm Brick." Brick didn't consider himself to be part of the group.

  "A man named after my newly developed building material. How is it you know of my work?"

  "Work, why?" It was a natural twitch from Brick.

  "My curiosity is inflamed by three of your creed in particular. Yon must enquire." Chris turned to The Magwanvu. "Doth thou be three separate beings sharing a single collective expressive? It is an initial hypothesis, open to fact in cause of remedy." The Magwanvu nodded appreciatively at somebody getting them straight away. It was enough to make them speak as one.

  "May I say thank you for being genuinely curious about my predicament rather than using it as an excuse to poke fun."

  "So who may thee ask transmitted thon thoughts?" They all pointed to themselves. "I see. Each spoke?"

  "No. Only I said it." The hand movement repeated itself. "I think you'll find I said it." One turned to confront the other causing the middle Magwanvu to turn away and show the back of his head. "Don't turn your back on me when I speak to you. Why do you persist in getting angry every time that happens? You know I have no control over it. It doesn't stop it being rude." Brick and Spiritwind sat on the ground in front of the metaphysically joined trio, sharing a party size bag of crisps. It reminded them of the old slapstick acts of the past. Brick checked the floor for any kitchen implements they could introduce to the fray. A frying pan battle could unleash laughter of health damaging proportions. There was only grass and a broken crisp. "You may have said it but I definitely did the hand movements. I wish you two wouldn't bicker so much. You bicker just as much so don't be blaming me. I never bicker. You're bickering now. No I'm not, I'm commenting. Oh I see. You comment but we bicker. Exactly......"

  Chris watched on in awe while Dandara grew impatient at another halt to the flow of their mission. Bettina found the whole scenario highly amusing and shared a grin with Bobby. The large faced man was glad the mood was one of ease. Jam had fallen into one of the holes in a particularly comfy position and felt it best to wait there until movement was essential.

  "You mentioned a village of non movement Chris. Could we see it?" Dandara attempted to continue the adventure.

  "Hmm, the village. Yes of course." Chris couldn't remove his eyes from the trio. "One just need follow the holes over the mild bump."

  "I'll bet that's significant in a mission searching for apathy, a village of non movement." Brick commented with his hand motionless in the bag of crisps.

  "I know. That's why I was trying to get Chris to show us." Dandara stood above the seated pair, arms folded.

  "That's a great plan. What do you think Chris? Could you take us to the village of non movement?" Brick engaged the odd native to the planet.

  "Don't try and steal my glory. It was my idea to go to the village." Dandara had first dibs on the idea and she wasn't letting go.

  "That's a good idea that: going to see the village. Well done Brick." Spiritwind spoke purely to frustrate Dandara. Her fits were endlessly entertaining.

  "Would you care to back me up on this one Bettina?" Dandara turned to her partner.

  "Sorry. I was watching The Magwanvu. What am I backing you up on?"

  The Magwanvu broke free from the bickering, which only appeared to involve two of the three. "Look. Everyone's watching. Will you two just stop it. I'd gladly stop. Seen as I didn't start it in the first place. Well I didn't start it. He did." All three pointed to the left. "Can we discuss this later when we're alone? Fine by me. And me. All the facts will still be the same anyway." The folded arms suggested the end of the show. Brick and Spiritwind stood, applauding.

  "Thon time to take Brick's words into action hath arrived. Shall we head forth towards the village of non movement?" Chris didn't wait for an answer and returned to hectic action.

  "That's a good idea Brick, heading into the village. I'll bet
that holds lots of clues on a quest revolving around apathy." Bettina was oblivious to the anger she was building in her cohort.

  "That's what I wanted backing up on." Dandara considered swearing.

  "You wanted me to help you back up Brick's idea?" Bettina was confused.

  "I give in."

  "Don't give in Dandara, the fun's about to start." Bettina took her friend by the arm as the protests over whose idea it was ended. It was futile anyway.

  "I shall spring ahead and leave thy 'car' within thy abode. My return shall be swift and occur at thon village. By following the direction of the holes beyond thine end you shall stumble in to my people, but worry is not for you, for my return will be before such a happening." Chris raised his hand, spun around, and disappeared into a bush. A vague squeaking was followed by a car of modern sport quality leaping from the foliage and off into the distance at pace.

  "He's gone to set up an ambush." Brick reverted to type.

  "I'm sure he hasn't." Spiritwind persisted in convincing otherwise.

  "We'll see who's smug when we're all tied up in a net hanging from a tree."

  "So even though you're aware of this you're still coming with us?" Spiritwind retrieved a bowl of noodles for the walk.

  "Of course. Maybe I'll be tied to Dandara and our moment of peril will bring out her true feelings for me." Brick imagined the kiss.

  "You actually want to be tied up and punched by a girl?"

  "Yes. No. Not the pretend feelings of annoyance she shows the watching world, her true inner feelings of love and adoration."

  "Oh those. I'd forgotten about them. She does keep those very deep." Spiritwind played along.

  "Glad you've seen them too."

  "We can all see them, all except perhaps Dandara?"

  "Which is why we need to be tied up in a tree together, so she can get a good look."

  "Of course."

  All laws of logic decided to give up, pack a bag, and go away until the adventure was finished. Seen as nobody was bothering to pay it any attention it thought it may as well go and do something productive instead, like sleep. Nobody noticed it's disappearance as the story continued to unfold.

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