by Paul Vayro
Chapter Thirty Seven
"And you're sure you haven't got any suits that increase your strength a million fold?" Brick repeated his question.
"Thon pursuit of warfare items puzzles thee so. Mon only attackers cannot be bothered to dream. A wall of miniscule proportions would more than suffice."
"I'm not saying you'd intentionally design a nuclear warhead, but most weapons are invented by accident. People are usually trying to find the cure for head mites or something when they stumble upon a chemical that melts your brain but doesn't even ruffle your hair." Brick defended his query.
"Thy point be a valid one. Yon shall peruse thy room of discarded objects." Chris walked away, pulling a lever and disappearing behind a wall.
"At last we get decent gadgets." Brick looked in scorn at the calculator watch Fate had given them.
"You can have as many gadgets as you want but I prefer to rely on my good old hero powers." Dandara folded her arms. A disagreement was as good as anything else to help pass the time.
"That's a very commendable attitude but we are mere fragile humans with no fighting ability or super strength. I'd feel far more confident knowing I had a tank secreted in my belt buckle." Brick poked a half Hammond organ/half synthesiser hybrid that lay on the carpet by his side.
Dandara looked mystified. "You're heroes. Of course you've got fighting ability. It's the most basic component of the hero package." Dandara couldn't be sure if she was walking into a wind up.
"Is this what you were trying to explain to me when we first met?" Spiritwind remembered the forgotten conversation with Bettina, back in the future.
"I did explain. We spent the whole night talking about it. Do you not remember? It was very intimate." Bettina spoke while making suggestive eyes straight into the bald man's orbs. It was highly confusing in so many ways.
"Now you mention it I do recall something about powers. I'm just not entirely sure what."
"We know about the discount card." Brick just wanted to be involved.
"So if I said Bull Punch you'd have no idea what I'm talking about?" Dandara revelled in the news.
"Could we just get all the mockery out of the way and proceed to the explanation?" Brick wanted to know if they could fly.
Dandara smirked, throwing in a few derogatory looks and shakes of the head. "Sorry. I just find it very funny."
"There's no point apologising when we all know you're not sorry." Brick preferred honesty.
"No you're right I'm not sorry. Anyway, the Bull Punch is the most basic weapon in any hero's armoury. One hit will knock any opponent of similar size out cold for as long as you need them to be." Brick glanced at his fist, then at Spiritwind.
"Never gonna happen." Spiritwind knew what his peer was about to ask. Brick's request to test the Bull Punch on his friend was denied before it could surface.
"It wouldn't work on Spiritwind. He has the hero ability to withstand most punches. The most he'd suffer is a cut lip or maybe eyebrow, and a strategic bruise."
"Will it work on the two huge henchmen that are with the bad guy?" Brick desperately wanted to test it.
"No I wouldn't expect so. Professional henchmen are usually big for that very purpose. Chances are you'd throw your best punch and they'd be unaffected. Probably grin back at you inviting free shots. Repeated blows will eventually annoy them. They'll just pick you up and throw you into some form of easily collapsible furniture. To defeat them you usually have to incorporate a part of the scenery you're fighting in. A discarded log chopper or ceiling fan, or fighting on a high surface they can be easily lured off."
"What else do we get?" Spiritwind was also hoping they could fly.
"Your hunches will always be correct, any lethal surprises such as falling rocks will always miss by inches, outstretched arms when falling will always find something to hold on to be it the lip of a cliff or an out-hanging tree, at least a basic level of kung fu style fighting techniques; if you do get shot it will only ever be to the shoulder and you'll be able to continue the mission with nothing more than a grimace and cupping of the arm. General things like that really."
"Any flying?" Spiritwind double checked.
"Oh no. That's a genetic thing."
"Why would we get shot?" Brick wasn't sure he liked that part of the powers.
"Because you're standing in the way of some pretty mean people who have no qualms about wiping out worlds. Shooting one person is barely rude. They won't be able to kill you though. You're heroes."
"Can they make me say 'ow' a lot?" Brick had reservations.
"A little bit, but when it comes to serious pain they can only tease with you awful looking machinery and suggestions of bees in pants. Something will always happen to save you before they can really damage you. The most you'll ever suffer is a heroic trickle of blood with no identifiable source."
Brick began daydreaming about himself in a vest with various trickles of blood and an appreciative heroine armed with a basic first aid kit and a thousand kind words. Spiritwind imagined saving a world whose economy was based entirely on baked goods, their gratitude coming in the form of free access to all their wares.
Dandara had had enough fun and turned to Bettina, Jam, Bobby and The Magwanvu, to propose her plan for the next stage. "I suggest hero tactic 63a: Forming teams in order to divide the enemies defence and attention. If we have to attack a base there will inevitably be a split path. Based on the level of professionalism the bad guy's showing I'd predict three, so we should make three teams: myself and Bettina will be Team A...."
"Whoah, whoah." Brick snapped out of his imagined scenario. The female heroine he'd created had just moved in to kiss his wounds better. "Can we please have proper team names?"
"You can call yourselves whatever you like but we're Team A. Brick and Spiritwind will be...." Dandara left a gap for Brick to fill.
"Oh right. That's where I speak isn't it? Team Cobalt-Titanium." The bemused looks awaited explanation. "It sounds hard."
"Leaving Jam, Bobby and The Magwanvu to be......" Dandara left a gap again.
"Lollipop, Cantaloupe, Giddy Saucer." The Magwanvu flashed disgust across its flat face in response to its twitched offerings. It couldn't even look at itself.
"Team Tranquil." Bobby perked up as Jam stared at his own shoes. He could have sworn they weren't his.
"We'll go with Tranquil." Dandara continued the plan. "After landing on the Earth we must scan the planet for anything resembling a small man in a metal suit or an enormous creature. Team A and Titanium will then investigate the said life form. Team Tranquil will hang back as support."
"That's your fault we're only support. Giddy Saucer indeed." The Magwanvu had found a new bickering point. "Why are you having a go at me? He said Giddy Saucer. I am having a go at him. Could we not have a constructive discussion for once instead of this constant identity based sniping? Who said that? Me. What's your problem? What I just said. Who are you pointing at? Him. Then point at him. I am....."
Dandara ignored the malaise and carried on. "From there we will use our hero skill of improvisation."
"You mean we're going to wing it?" Brick knew a slack plan when he heard it. He'd said enough of them.
"No. We're following the plan." Dandara defended her words.
"Although the plan is to wing it." Brick continued to attack.
"Obviously your definition of 'winging it' differs from the rest of the universes." Dandara put on her best defiant stance.
"We're definitely winging it." The Magwanvu jumped in as an unlikely source of support. Even they didn't disagree about it.
Dandara mentally rolled up her sleeves. She was ready to turn the debate into a physical contest. Fortunately she was interrupted by the return of Chris with an armful of three foot sticks. He dropped them onto the floor. Only Brick jogged towards them.
"What are they Chris?"
"T'is thy pile of big sticks."
"Are they rocket powered?" Brick picked one up and searched for a button.
> "No."
"Secret camera?"
"No." Chris felt confused again.
"Concealed telescope?"
"T'is but a stick my friend."
"Explosive liquid embedded in the wood." Brick struck the floor awaiting the flame. Nothing happened.
"Yon fervour perplexes thee."
"I thought you'd have some brilliant gadgets Chris, or more than just a stick." Brick twirled it disappointedly.
"Out of everything thy mind could conjure nothing may rival the simplicity and versatility of thine big stick. To scribe thons uses upon paper would take more years than there are grains of sands, the list stretching out beyond all the oceans. T'is be the perfect accompaniment on a mission such as thee finds yon self."
Brick continued toying with the stick as everyone else picked one up. "And there's no massive gun behind your back?" He tried one last time.
"We should be leaving." Dandara acknowledged the gift with grace and suggested they moved towards the conclusion of the adventure.
"Yee must return to thon sky?" Chris verbalised the approaching departure.
"That's where the bad guys are." Brick used his stick to point upwards honourably. He reconsidered his initial redundant opinion of the gift, its usefulness shining forth instantly.
"So thon theories on the other worlds beyond the blue are true? Mon eyes cannot wait to see the glory that awaits thee." Chris hugged himself with joy. "Would thou be pleased to ride thy 'bus' back to thon hill from which thee came? T'is similar in working to thy car only bigger and with more seats. Yon numbers would be accommodated easily."
"I'm not proud. I'd love a lift." Brick accepted as graciously as he could. Nobody argued as they headed out into the garden.
"I'll sit next to you Spiritwind." Bettina linked arms with the reddening hero.
"Of course." She probably knew he'd let her have the window seat.
Without further battle the teams headed off as one, stick in hand and heart on sleeve. When it comes to saving the universe spirit is more powerful than any gun, although it would be nice to have one just in case metaphorical power holds no practical substance.
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