Unintended Heroes

by Paul Vayro

Chapter Forty Six

  Spiritwind woke up on a floor. He knew it was the floor because every other point in the room could only be viewed by looking up. The deep fried chicken pizza that had served as a pillow quickly became breakfast. It accompanied his attempt to piece the night together. He remembered a plinth and the call of free drinks. It would have to do for now.

  A voice boomed from the corridor, passing effortlessly through the door that sat behind the bald hero. It declared: "The ceremony to declare these people are great shall commence in ten minutes."

  The aforementioned door fell open in response, powered by Brick falling from his knees on to his face. Keeping his face buried in the carpet he lifted his hand. "Do you want one of these hangover phials? There's a pile at each door."

  "That's right." Spiritwind had been slapped by a memory. "You went to get the goodnight snog Dandara promised you." Spiritwind toasted Brick with the phial and downed it.

  Brick's face ripped itself from the carpet. "Did I get it? Please don't tell me I forgot that."

  "I doubt it. You ended up back here at least four times. You kept accusing me of being in her room and seeing her behind your back."

  "Sorry about that. Do you think she'll still snog me now?" Brick considered splashing water on his face for freshness.

  "She was very drunk, which is my polite way of saying no."

  "Nooooo." Brick buried his head back in the carpet.

  "You could always ask her at this ceremony thing?" Spiritwind brushed the creases out of his t-shirt and face, and picked up the final slice of pizza.

  "Oh yeah, when does that start again?"

  "Ten minutes."

  "How long does it take to get there?"

  "Not sure. About ten minutes." The pizza may have been finished, but a freshly discovered box of fries were just beginning.

  "Then we should leave." Brick stood purposefully.

  "Indeed. Do you want a chip?"

  "That is a fry my friend not a chip." It was an important point.

  "Either way do you want one?"

  "Just one, but I would have preferred an actual chip."

  "Your preference is noted. Shall we leave?"

  "I've already left." Brick careered down the corridor, the ambivalent Spiritwind following behind.

  The journey held no tales and did indeed take ten minutes. Brick and Spiritwind reached the great hall and slalomed through the crowd. The general antipathy of a room of hungover people gave them little resistance. The plinth from yesterday remained in place. Somebody had spent the night draping it in ribbons and fabric. A row of chairs of increasing grandeur were in a line. Nobody appeared overly concerned that Brick and Spiritwind weren't there. Equally minimal fuss was made as they made their way to their places.

  Everybody had dressed for the occasion: Hugo wore his best pressed lycra, including cape, Irish had his ceremonial chain and shield, and The Voice of Reason wore a sheet so white it could have been woven from light itself. Dandara and Bettina wore ball-gowns that swept their attraction levels way beyond the achievable reaches of Brick and Spiritwind. Bobby Dazzler had whipped an iron over his suit and strapped on his best smile, while The Magwanvu wore a golden disco style one-piece each, complete with medallion. Jam Shandy had passed out on the plinth and hadn't left all night. The set builders had arranged the ceremonial stage around him, placing his unconscious body on a chair and leaving him to it.

  Each hero had been assigned a seat. The most regal went to The Voice of Reason, followed in opulence by Irish, then Hugo's. It appeared his grade four hero status carried currency in the world of garnished rest. The others had been given a standard chair with a reasonably plump cushion attached.

  The ceremony began with a pompous fanfare, continuing with speech after speech declaring justice and honour. Spiritwind comforted himself with a four course meal of snacks, Brick followed Jam's example and passed out. Finally it came to the handing out of awards, as announced by Irish.

  "And now my favourite part of this whole affair: the awards themselves." Brick snapped out of his dream, Spiritwind finished his trifle, The Magwanvu poked itself in the leg then poked itself back, and Jam fell off his chair. Irish continued. "Each hero shall receive any upgrades they desire for their crafts. Brick, Spiritwind, Bobby and The Magwanvu may choose any ship they wish from the garage of reclaimed villain ships. And of course you will all receive the rare dignified status of grade five heroes. You shall be honoured upon the Scroll of Saviours and your statue placed forever in The Hall of Legends. Reveal the statue."

  A smaller plinth stood nearby, a structure upon it was masked by a sheet. The cover fell upon the wave of Irish's hand. It revealed the image captured by the hovering man the previous day, only now as a solid gold statue.

  Hugo formed the majority of the piece. Everyone else's demeanour suggested they were adoring the man mountain, except Brick who was in mid air. The room erupted in applause, Hugo bowed.

  "And now for the award of the grade five cards." An ooooh circled the crowd. "As you are all aware the legendary grade five hero card becomes one with the body. Never to be removed and only visible to those you wish to see it." Irish unveiled his fridge sized bicep to the gathering and tensed it with a smirk. A golden rectangle shimmered, spilling out an aura of safety and awe. Irish pulled his sleeve back down and turned to the row of expectant heroes. "If you could prepare the area you wish your card to be placed."

  Brick toyed with dropping his trousers but felt it was too obvious and opted for the left nipple instead. Everyone else went for the top of the right arm, except Spiritwind who wanted it on the crown of his bald head.

  The crowd went wild as Hugo went first, and continued to go wild for him as the rest collected theirs. The cheers and chants for Mr Cortizone didn't relent throughout. Even Irish rushed through the rest of the presentations so he could get on with congratulating Hugo.

  With Hugo orchestrating the crowd the rest of the heroes sidled off to a corner of the plinth, bemused.

  "Am I missing something? I thought we saved the universe." Brick had an unarguable point for once.

  "We definitely did. I was there." Spiritwind concurred.

  "If we hadn't stepped in he'd be on his third date and snogging the face off a big, lizard thing." Brick furthered his complaint.

  "It's universal politics. I wouldn't worry about it." Dandara offered reason.

  "I'm not worried about it. I'm just miffed. Almost as miffed as I was that I couldn't find your room last night." Brick gave a knowing look, without the essence of knowing.

  "Just be glad we got our grade five cards." Dandara tried to change the subject. Drunken denial was the only hiding place she had as an unwelcome reminder of her offer of a kiss surfaced.

  "And a ship." Spiritwind had just remembered.

  "I'd forgotten about a ship. Should we go and pick one?" Brick gave up on his concerns over Hugo.

  "Do you want a second opinion?" Bettina had no desire to stand around being ignored, plus she thought it would engineer a nice parting moment with the bald snack lover. Dandara was still reeling too much from her recently recovered memory, to protest.

  "Should we all go? It could be our final mission together." Brick tried to turn the shopping trip into a further adventure. Bobby would be happy whatever they did, Jam would follow death in his current state, and The Magwanvu just wished to be out of the staring angle of so many people. Brick continued speaking. "Or maybe this is our second mission in a long line of future journeys by each other's sides?"

  "Don't push it. You were lucky to make it through this one without feeling the wrath of my hand." Dandara searched for an excuse to punch Brick to expel the frustration of her drunken offer. How could she be so stupid as to nearly end the mission with a kiss. After all she'd said. It was her good fortune that Brick's incompetence had stepped in. Or did he reject her? He really was going to get slapped if that was the case.

  "Luck has nothing to do with it. It was all part of our plan."
Brick tried to pocket some glory as Bettina stepped in front of Dandara to prevent the attack she could see her friend's eyes preparing.

  Everyone stumbled down the stairs in perceived harmony. Nobody in the Hall noticed the group's departure, apart from a waiter whose tray of drinks emptied as they walked past. The crowd had their chosen hero and no amount of truth was going to change the focus of their chants.

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