by Ivy Smoak
“Yeah, I heard about that. It seems a little obsessive.”
“Apparently not obsessive enough. James called me in as backup. I’m lucky number five.”
I pulled my knees into my chest, hugging my legs close. “Why exactly do I need five security guards today?”
“I’ve already told you, you’re going to have to talk to James.”
“Pictures are missing from all over the apartment.” I looked over at one of the empty hooks on the walls. “Who were they of?”
“Penny, you know I can’t tell you.”
I looked up the stairs. I couldn’t see the locked rooms from my seat on the couch, but I knew they were there. I knew there were secrets that I wouldn’t understand all over this house. But I wanted to try to understand. “There are two rooms upstairs that are locked. Why? What doesn’t James want me to see?”
Rob lifted the remote and turned up the volume.
I should have laughed the action off, but it made me angry. “You’re keeping secrets for him.” I practically had to shout. “Why?”
He ignored me.
“Rob! You can’t expect me to sit here all day with all these questions running through my head. I’m sorry if this is stressful for you, but…”
He reached over and started tickling me.
“What are you doing? Stop!” I gasped for air as I started laughing. “Get off of me.” I tried to push his hands away as I laughed hysterically. “Rob!”
When he started laughing at my pain, I took the opportunity to retaliate. “Oh, it’s so on!” I said and tickled his side.
He barely even flinched. It was like he was a tickling aficionado. He climbed on top of me and grabbed my arms to pin them down.
“Stop!” I yelled through a bout of laughter as he tickled me with his free hand. “I can’t breathe.” I tried to squirm away from him, but I was trapped underneath of him. “I surrender!” I said through a giggle. But I didn’t actually want him to stop. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had laughed so hard. Probably before meeting Austin. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like his hands on me. Or him on top of me. God, did I have the hots for my husband’s brother?
Suddenly the sound from the TV disappeared. The living room was quiet except for the sound of my incessant laughter.
“What the fuck are you doing?” James said.
Rob’s hand froze on the side of my ribcage. His smile immediately disappeared as he looked up at James. “Okay…so this looks…bad. But she started it.” He tried to stifle another laugh as I squirmed beneath him.
“I did not, Robert,” I protested. “And I said I surrendered. You can let me go now.” I was very aware of his body pressed against mine. But I was also aware of the edge in James’ voice. He was clearly pissed about this. Couldn’t Rob sense that? I avoided looking at James. Could he tell how much I liked this? Could he see through me?
“Ugh, back to Robert, huh? Don’t make me tickle you again.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. He was funny.
“Get the fuck off of my wife. And out of my house.”
Rob slowly climbed off of me. “Lighten up, man. She was upset. I made her laugh.”
“If I ever see you touch her like that again…”
“We were just messing around, James. Chill.”
“I don’t care what you said were doing. I asked you to leave.” James stepped to the side to let Rob pass.
But Rob didn’t move. “Yeah, I’m not leaving right now. She’s scared enough without you acting like this. Can’t you see that?”
“I think I know her better than you. And all I could see was you taking advantage of her because she doesn’t remember…”
“Oh my God, stop.” I stood up. “Both of you. Don’t talk about me like I’m not in the room. What is wrong with you?”
“Penny.” James stepped toward me but I put my hand up for him to stop.
“Honestly, I’m not interested in talking to you right now.”
Rob laughed.
“Either of you,” I added and glared at him. “You’re treating me like I’m some delicate damsel in distress. So clearly neither of you know me at all. I can take care of my freaking self. So you two pussyfooting around by not telling me the truth isn’t helping me at all.”
“Pussyfooting?” Rob laughed.
“Laugh at me all you want. But I’m not talking to either of you until you’re ready to tell me what happened to me. I need to know why I’m not allowed to leave this apartment. And what pictures were removed from the walls. And why there are locked doors upstairs. And why I freaking look like I’m pregnant.”
James placed his hand on the armrest of the couch. He looked exhausted. But I didn’t really care. How was I supposed to help him if he didn’t let me in? How was I supposed to remember anything if pieces of my life were being hidden away?
“So, if you’ll excuse me,” I said and walked out of the room. I wasn’t sure where I was planning on going. I couldn’t storm out of the apartment. Running upstairs to my room was the best option. I just hated that it was James’ room too.
Chapter 12
Friday
“Why haven’t you shown her the book yet?” Rob asked. “It'll jog her memory.”
I didn’t even have to eavesdrop. Rob and James’ heated discussion easily drifted upstairs. But I still climbed off the bed and settled by the side of the door to hear them a little more clearly.
“I want her to remember. I don’t want her to be told what and how to remember it.”
“They’re her words. She has a unique opportunity to hear about her life through her own eyes. Not many people with amnesia get that.”
“But it’s a work of fiction. The memories are blurred. It’s not like experiencing it for the first time.”
“It’s not that much fiction.”
Did I write something? The thought made me smile. I loved reading. I always wished that I could articulate a story that was as good as the ones I read. Was that my job? Was I an author?
“James, I get that some of it is hard for you to think about, but she needs to remember it. The good and the bad. This is the easiest way.”
“Haven’t we had enough bad?”
“You can’t expect her to remember anything if you’re hiding pieces of your lives from her.”
“I just…I don’t want her to read about loving me. I want her to fall in love with me all over again.”
“Why? When all she has to do is remember how much she loved you in the first place…”
“Because we were broken! I have an opportunity to fix it.”
“You weren’t broken.”
“She thought I cheated on her, Rob. The fact that she thought that means something wasn’t right. And it’s more than just that. I’d catch her crying and she’d wipe away the tears and pretend she hadn’t been. Her frowns killed me. She wasn’t happy.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Of course I do. You think I can’t tell when she’s hurting? That look she gave me a few minutes ago…that wasn’t the first time I’ve seen that. I feel like all I ever do is upset her.”
“You’re being a little hard on yourself.”
“Am I? Right now she doesn’t really know either of us. But when I touch her she cringes. Yet when I walk in and you’re on top of her tickling her, her whole face is lit up.”
“Because I was tickling her. She didn’t have much of a choice.”
“It’s more than that. It’s pretty clear she doesn’t like me. She’s disappointed in her life. Disappointed in her choice of husband. It’s all over her face.”
“She couldn’t possibly be. Look at everything you’ve given her.”
“It was never about expensive things with her. She doesn’t care about any of this. She never did. It’s one of the many reasons I fell for her in the first place.”
I let my head rest against the doorjamb. Maybe he knew me better than I realized. I bit the inside of my lip. So had
I been unhappy? Had I hated this life?
“So what’s the game plan then?” Rob asked. “Try to swoop her off her feet? Again?”
“That’s the problem. I don’t really think I swooped her off her feet to begin with. I’m pretty sure she swooped me off mine.”
Rob laughed. “She was your knight in shining armor.” Even though he just laughed, he said the words seriously.
“And now I have a chance to save her. I need this. I think we both need it.”
I wiped away a tear that had fallen down my cheek. The first thing I realized about James was that he was broken. Why was that? What had I saved him from? I closed my eyes. I wanted to wake back up in my dorm. I wanted everything to go back to normal. Listening to their conversation wasn’t helping at all. It was just twisting my stomach further into knots.
I slowly stood up and started pacing back and forth. James wanted me to fall in love with him again. But I wasn’t sure I knew how. I had never been in love. I couldn’t just turn a switch in my heart and make myself understand that I needed him. And what if I had been unhappy as his wife? Why would I want to trick myself back into being miserable for eternity?
What I needed was to get out of this apartment. I needed to find some cash and get as far away from New York City as possible. My gut told me to go to my parents. But they seemed mixed up in all of this too. I needed to get away from everyone and clear my head. Yes. That’s what I had to do. Maybe one day I’d remember, or maybe I wouldn’t. But it would all be on my own terms. And then I could decide if I wanted this life or if I needed to make a new one for myself.
I ran over to the closet and searched around for a backpack. I knew I couldn’t run right now, but I could prepare for whenever I had the opportunity. After rummaging through the drawers, I found a small duffel bag shoved in the back of the closet. This will have to do. I stuffed it full of workout clothes like I’d actually be running the whole time I was running away. I even found a spare toothbrush to throw in. And then I hid it behind my extravagant shoe collection.
I took a deep breath. A go-bag. I felt like a criminal when I walked back out of the closet. But I wasn’t sure why. Everything in the bag was mine. I think.
***
“Do you want to go for that walk?” James asked.
I closed the nightstand drawer I had been searching through. Where did he keep all the loose cash? I couldn’t exactly leave without any money. Identification would be nice too, but James had definitely hidden my purse from me. Probably the same place he hid my phone. “Um. Sure.” I stood up.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“You mean before or after the fighting match downstairs?”
He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I tend to be a little possessive.”
“Why don’t you trust your brother though? He’s married. And you know…your brother. I doubt he’d ever do anything to purposely hurt you.”
“He may have used to have a thing for you.”
“Well, now I’m fat and old. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” I smiled at him.
“You’re young. And beautiful. And not at all fat.”
I looked down at my stomach. “Then you’re blind.”
He laughed. It wasn’t as carefree as his brother’s laughter, but it still made me smile.
I stared at him. “Are you going to answer all of my questions?”
“I am,” he said. But he didn’t add anything else.
“So…what happened to me?”
“I want to show you something first. I think it might help jog your memory.” He put his hand out for me.
“We’re leaving the apartment?”
“We are.” He kept his hand outstretched.
What’s the worst that could happen if I take it? I slid my hand into his and let him lead me out of the bedroom. He was wrong when he told Rob that I cringed at his touch. I wasn’t cringing. I was scared of the energy I felt when I touched him. I wasn’t repulsed at all. I was terrified.
Chapter 13
Friday
I looked over my shoulder to see the two security guards following us through the winding paths of Central Park. “Do they always accompany us when we leave the apartment?” I asked.
He nodded.
“So we’re always in danger of something? Or someone?”
“Not necessarily. I may be a little overprotective of you. And especially when we’re apart, I worry.” He squeezed my hand.
I think he meant the action to be comforting. But his words made him seem overbearing. I hadn’t been allowed to leave the house today without him. What else wasn’t I allowed to do without his permission?
“But are we in danger now?” I asked.
He sighed. It sounded so heavy, like he had been holding it back for years. “I honestly don’t know anymore.”
“You promised you’d answer my questions, James.”
“And I will. Are you hungry?” He had stopped in front of the restaurant he’d pointed out yesterday. The one with the huge tree that we apparently got married under.
It really was breathtakingly beautiful. There were a few wedding pictures in our apartment and I truly had looked happy. Painfully happy. That was the only way to describe it. I had been smiling so much it looked like my face probably hurt for days. And it was painful now to look at, because I couldn’t remember a single second of it. Weddings were known to be one of the best days of a person’s life. My best day was still when I got my acceptance to The University of New Castle. I had never been so excited. Did my wedding day top that? Was it as perfect as everyone claimed it would be?
“No, I’m good,” I said. I didn’t want to sit under that tree and eat lunch with him. Not just because not remembering made me uncomfortable. But because it would be hard for him. I got why he brought me here. I understood what he was doing. Even if I hadn’t overheard his conversation with Rob, I would have known he was trying to trigger my memories. But I had no memories of him. I just…didn’t.
He looked pained that I wasn’t trying. Or maybe he was just in pain.
“What happened to us, James?” The expression on his face made me want to cry. I wanted to hug him and fight away all his demons. I wished that everything that came out of my mouth didn’t hurt him so much.
He pulled me over to a bench outside of the restaurant and we both sat down. He grabbed my hands, cradling them between his, like he was worried I’d try to flee if he let go. I thought about my go-bag hidden in the back of his closet. Would it crush him when I left? Would he eventually heal?
James ran his thumb along the back of my hand. I found it oddly comforting. It pulled me out of my thoughts. I stared into his eyes, willing myself to remember a past I wasn’t sure I even believed was real.
“We were happy, Penny.”
That wasn’t what he had said to his brother. He said he caught me crying all the time. It sounded to me like I had been depressed. “You used the past tense. Is that because you’re not happy now? Or does it go further back than that?”
He glanced over at the tree. I could tell that memories were flashing through his mind. Glimpses of us.
I felt like he was lulling me into a false sense of security. He was making me feel safe. But I felt like whatever he was about to say was going to terrify me. “James.”
He pulled himself out of his memories and looked back at me. “I’m going to start at the beginning.” He continued to rub his thumb along the back of my hand. “We met outside of class. You literally fell into my arms.”
I laughed. “I’m not the most graceful person.”
“I don’t think it had anything to do with that. I think we were meant to run into each other that day. I needed you in my life. And I like to think that you needed me too.”
His words made my chest hurt. I had never heard anything so romantic in my life. “You’re a believer in fate?”
“I wasn’t. But then I met you. You changed everything, Penny.” His Adam’s apple ros
e and fell. “Every single thing.”
“How?”
“I…” He leaned forward slightly. “I wasn’t whole before I met you.”
Everything he was saying was romantic. Yet vague. And rather cliché. I wanted to hear him out, but he wasn’t giving me any details. “So…you were a single professor looking for love on campus?”
“No.” He looked like I had slapped him. He let his hands fall from mine. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Because we met outside of class? After you found out you were my professor, shouldn’t you have forgotten about me?”
“You made that impossible.”
“Me? I find that hard to believe.”
“We kept running into each other outside of class. And when we were in class, you flirted with me. You showed up at my office hours unannounced. You ingrained yourself in my mind and wouldn’t leave.”
“You’re saying that it’s my fault? You were the adult in the situation.”
“I’m not saying it was your fault. This is coming out wrong.” He grabbed my hands again. “Penny, I tried to do the right thing. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You completely possessed me. It was hard enough keeping you out of my thoughts during the day, but then at night I’d dream of you in my bed with me. I couldn’t control it. And I didn’t just want you. It felt like I needed you in my life. Like you were the answer to all my problems. It wasn’t your fault at all. It was mine. I could have squashed your flirtations. I could have ignored you. I could have not flirted back. But I didn’t. I wanted you to want me despite how wrong it was. And I still have a hard time thinking about what I did. I know it was wrong. But I don’t regret it either because I don’t know how to live without you.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him he should regret it. That he tore me away from the school I loved. From the town I loved. From everything I knew. “If you loved me as much as you say, why didn’t we just wait? I could have finished school there.”
“We were going to. But it got complicated rather quickly. I was going through a divorce and…”