A Whirlwind of Color (The Light to My Darkness Book 2)

by Ivy Smoak

  ***

  I drove along Main Street looking for somewhere to park without a meter. I didn’t have any money, so I’d be sleeping in my car again tonight. It would be best if I wasn’t outside someone’s house that would call the cops.

  I pulled the car to a stop on one of the side streets. I looked out the window. Melissa had dragged me to a frat party here once. All the occupants were probably home for the summer. And even if there was anyone living there during summer semester, I doubted that they’d care about my car being here. They’d probably take pictures with it and pretend they met Batman. Or call for it to be towed away.

  But I didn’t have much of a choice. The car was running on empty. I wasn’t going anywhere until I found a pawnshop to sell the watch I had stolen. I cut the gas and climbed out of the car, pulling my duffel bag with me. I couldn’t afford to let it get towed away with the car. My only possessions were in that bag. Sort of. I didn’t recognize any of the clothes I had packed. And judging from my supposed life, I certainly hadn’t paid for any of my clothing. None of that mattered though. I was finally free. I smiled as I started walking along Main Street. Everything felt so familiar.

  The only time I had been to the University of New Castle in the summer was when I came to tour it before applying. Not that I needed the tour. I always figured I’d come here. Both my parents had. And it wasn’t like I had the urge like so many other Delawareans to get the hell out of town. I liked it here. No, I loved it here. I breathed in a deep breath of fresh air. So much better than New York.

  I turned off Main Street, down the familiar path toward my dorm. I felt more like myself here than I ever had in New York. No expectations. No stranger trying to force me to remember a person that wasn’t me.

  The thought of James’ voice when he was banging on the bathroom door clouded my mind. He’d know I didn’t kill myself once he saw that bathroom was empty, right? When he saw one of his cars was gone? He’d know.

  I didn’t want him to be depressed that I’d died. I wanted him to move on, knowing that I chose to leave him. He clearly needed a fresh start. He needed someone that could make him laugh more. I smiled at the thought. He had a nice laugh.

  Why am I thinking about him? I looked down at the brick walkway. Part of me did think I’d suddenly remember everything once I stepped back on campus. I thought it would come back in a rush. My meeting James. Falling for him. Deciding to leave everything I knew and loved.

  But all I remembered was studying nonstop. And wishing Austin would like me as much as I liked him. I kept walking. Maybe seeing Austin would change things. I shook away the thought. It wouldn’t. Seeing Melissa hadn’t changed anything, and she knew me better than anyone. Life as I knew it was over. But I had a chance to be anything I wanted now. I wasn’t tied down in a place that didn’t feel like home. I was free.

  I came to a stop in front of a huge statue of a book in the middle of a circular walking path that I remembered being statue-less. What the hell? It was the stupidest thing I had ever seen. You used to be able to stand in the middle of the circle and clap, and you could hear the clap under a tree off the side of the path. It was awesome and like a secret University of Newcastle student and alumni thing. Now? Ruined. Everything was ruined.

  I turned around in a circle. There were new dorm buildings in the distance. And everything seemed to have been added on to. Why couldn’t anyone see that it was fine the way it was? I barely even recognized parts of campus anymore. I felt tears pooling in the corners of my eyes. Why had I come here? I couldn’t remember anything. And the campus had kept growing without me. It was different, and stupid, and ugly. Nothing was the same.

  Maybe my dorm will be. I picked up my pace and followed the path. If I kept my eyes on the bricks beneath my feet, campus felt the same. They hadn’t changed, even though everything else had. I looked up in order to cross the street and my feet stopped. My dorm was the same. But right behind it was a new massive twenty-some-stories dorm building. My dorm even looked like it was being shaded by the monster building. It was probably only a matter of time before it was knocked down and replaced by something new and shiny.

  Screw this. I didn’t need to be here to be reminded that my memory was missing key parts of my life. I started walking back toward Main Street. A fresh start meant going somewhere I didn’t know. Maybe I could go to California. The thought was preposterous. And that’s how I knew how right it was. It was something I’d never do, and therefore the perfect thing to do. I could reinvent myself. And no one would know who I was. I’d disappear.

  I thought about James screaming again. Would he let me disappear? Would he try to find me? Stop thinking about him.

  “Penny?” called a deep voice from behind me.

  Son of a bitch. I hadn’t been on this campus in years. Who could possibly recognize me? I picked up my pace. I wasn’t going to have anyone dragging me back to New York. Hopefully they’d think they had the wrong person.

  “Penny.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I thought that was you. I didn’t realize you were even out of the hospital yet. How are you feeling? When I heard what happened, I was so worried. Did you get the flowers I sent?”

  “You have the wrong person.” I shrugged his hand away without looking at him.

  He laughed. “I think I know the beautiful Penny Hunter when I see her. I was at your wedding for Christ’s sake.”

  My tears had already been threatening to spill. And hearing him call me Penny Hunter was the tipping point. “That’s not my name.” I felt my tears streaming down my cheeks. “My name is Penny Taylor. And I’m not married. I’ve never been married. And I’m not even sure if I ever want to be married now.” I doubt he could even understand me through my sobs. Finally, I looked up at him and wished I wasn’t crying. I wished I had brushed my teeth this morning and hadn’t slept in a car. He was beautiful.

  But not as beautiful as James. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks. It made more tears come. Had I made a mistake by running? The memory of James’ broken sobs made me cry harder. I knew I hadn’t. I knew getting out of New York City was the right thing to do. So why was I crying?

  “Penny? Jesus, what happened? What’s wrong?”

  I didn’t care who he was. He knew me. Or at least, a version of me. And I was almost out of gas. I had no phone. Nowhere to sleep. No food. No money. And no pawnshop to trade the watch I had stolen for cash. It felt like we were supposed to run into each other today. He had to help me. I didn’t have anyone else to turn to. “I need your help.”

  “Of course. Whatever you need. Is James here too?” He looked over my shoulder like he was waiting for James to appear.

  “No.” I shook my head. “And he can’t know that I’m here. Please, don’t tell him.”

  “Why? What happened?”

  “I just need some cash. If you write down your name and address I can repay you as soon as I get settled. I touched my shoulder, for some reason thinking a purse had magically appeared there. But I only had my duffel bag and I knew for a fact that I didn’t pack a pen or notepad. “I don’t have a pen or paper. But if you have a pen, you could write it on my hand. I swear I’ll pay you back. I promise.”

  He just stared at me.

  “I have a good memory. You could just tell me. I promise I’ll give you back every penny. I just…I need to get to California. A few hundred dollars should…”

  “What the hell is in California?”

  “A fresh start. Please, if we’re friends…”

  “If? Penny, look at me.”

  I tried to remember. Despite what everyone thought, I had been trying to remember this whole time. But all I saw was a stranger. He was the exact opposite of James. His hair was light instead of dark. His skin was much tanner. And he was rugged looking, instead of sophisticated. A five o’clock shadow covered his jaw line and it was hard to look away from his sharp features. I blinked. But I had no freaking clue who he was. “I don’t remember you.”

  His Ad
am’s apple rose and fell as he studied me. “I’m going to call James. He needs…”

  “You can’t.” I grabbed his arm and took a deep breath. “Please, you can’t. I don’t want to go back to New York. I can’t go back there.”

  “Penny…”

  “I don’t love him. I’m not…I can’t. Please don’t make me go back to him.”

  He studied me for a moment, like he was trying to determine if I was telling the truth. “Okay.”

  I locked eyes with him. “Okay? You’ll give me the money?”

  “No, I’m not giving you money to flee to California. You can stay with me.”

  I stared at him. He had light brown hair. Not dirty blonde, but close. Age changed people. And he wasn’t really looking at me like just a friend. He was looking at me like he truly cared. Like maybe at one point we were something more than just friends. Tyler. This had to be him. I breathed a sigh of relief. I could trust him. I knew it. I could feel it in my bones.

  Sometimes fate had a funny way of working out. It made me get back onto I-95. It made me come to Newark. It made me walk around campus for just the right amount of time, because then I ran into him. Maybe this was my second chance at doing things right. Tyler had clearly been the right choice for me all along. Melissa had even said so. Now I got to fix everything.

  “Do you promise you won’t call James?” I asked.

  “We can discuss that once you get settled in.”

  “I’m not coming with you unless you promise.” I knew I was being juvenile. But I had bit back the pinky swear promise line from coming out of my mouth.

  “Fine. I promise I won’t call your husband. If that’s really what you want, Penny. But you have to tell me what’s going on. Are you in some sort of trouble? After everything that happened, I never imagined you’d run off by yourself. Isn’t the man that hurt you still out there?”

  I don’t know. My stomach growled. I hadn’t eaten since I had picked at my dinner with James. “I’ll tell you everything if you buy me lunch.”

  He laughed. “I’ll do you one better. I’ll cook us something.”

  He was handsome and could cook? Why had I not chosen him all those years ago? I was clearly messed up in the head. Who knew that losing my memory was the only way to set me straight?

  Chapter 18

  Saturday

  “So you really don’t remember anything?” he asked.

  I took another bite of steak and shrugged. “Nope. Nothing. And honestly, I think it’s for the best. That whole life seemed…stifling. I couldn’t bear to be there for another second. That’s why I left.”

  “And you came here. It’s where you and James met. Do you think you were drawn here because of that?”

  “No, not at all. I came here because being on campus was the last thing I remembered. I think a small part of me thought everything would go back to normal if I came here. But obviously I was wrong. There was also the issue of not having any money. And of course I stole a car with less than half a tank of gas. It’s pretty much empty right now. Which is why I asked to borrow money from you.”

  “But you can’t seriously be willing to leave your family. Let me take you back home.”

  “God, they might technically be my family, but they don’t feel like my family. What if I made a mistake all those years ago? What if I was never supposed to marry James? I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at the life I want.”

  “And what kind of life is it that you want?”

  “I don’t know…” I let my voice trail off as I looked around the apartment. “This is nice.”

  He laughed. “This is the life you gave up to move to New York.”

  “And I think I made a mistake.”

  “Then just tell James that. I’m sure he’d be willing to move back here. He never sold his apartment.”

  “He didn’t?” Maybe I could stay there. It wasn’t the independent life I wanted, but it would give me some time to get back on my feet. And there was no reason for him to look there for me. He didn’t know where I was. “Well, I could stay there instead of here then. Where is it?”

  “Top floor.”

  “Of this apartment building?”

  “Yup.”

  “Interesting.”

  He smiled. “And why is that?”

  “You just don’t look like the type of person that would like the same kind of apartment as James Hunter.”

  “I do alright for myself, Penny.”

  “That’s not what I meant. I mean, obviously you do.” I gestured around the apartment. When I lived on campus, these apartments were being sold for millions. They were most certainly not intended for students. “I just mean you look more…real.”

  “I don’t know whether that’s a compliment or an insult.” He leaned forward slightly, resting his elbows on the table. It was just further proof that I was right. James would probably never get caught dead with his elbows on the table.

  “It’s definitely a compliment.”

  He shook his head. “James is probably worried sick about you. I think I should give him a call.”

  “You promised you wouldn’t.”

  “Well…I didn’t pinky promise.”

  I laughed. “You know, I thought about asking you to do that, but stopped myself because it seemed so childish. But that’s the problem. I don’t feel like a grown up.” Besides for the fact that I get tired more easily. It must have been a symptom of old age that I wasn’t used to. I touched my stomach. It was significantly less bloated than it had been in the hospital, but it definitely wasn’t back to normal. And then there were the unexplained scars. I wanted to know what had happened to me. “You do pretty well for yourself, right?”

  He looked taken aback by the change of topic. “I do.”

  “Okay, here’s the new agreement. I’ll let you call James and tell him I was here. If you take me to see a doctor. And if you give me…$500 and a 12 hour head start before you call him.” I stuck out my hand.

  “Why do you want to go to the doctor? You were just in the hospital for weeks.”

  “No one would tell me what happened.” I kept my hand outstretched.

  “I’m not letting you go to California alone.”

  “Then come with me.”

  He laughed.

  “I’m serious. We had something once, I know we did. This can be our fresh start.”

  “James is my friend, Penny.”

  And my husband. So why didn’t I feel as guilty as he seemed to? “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

  “No deal. And I’m calling James.” He stood up from his chair.

  “Melissa told me that once I made a pro-con list between choosing you and James. You won. Hands down. And I have no idea why I didn’t listen to my list. I love lists. I make them all the time. All I can guess is that I lost my freaking mind when I stopped being a teenager. Or James drugged me. Or…I don’t know. But I should have chosen you. This is where I want to live, not some stupid, loud, crowded, gross city. And you’re my type, not him. Never in my wildest dreams did anyone like James make an appearance. I swear there is nothing left for me in New York.”

  “I think 20 year old you was smarter than you realize. And I’m positive that you never liked me all that much.”

  “I disagree. I’m pretty sure that I did. I must have, I mean look at you. And I know you loved me once too. Tyler, I…”

  “Tyler?” He started laughing. “Wow, this makes so much more sense now.” He shook his head. “My name is Brendan. We shared two kisses, years ago. And I promise, you never loved me. Not even a little bit. You couldn’t have turned me down any faster. Now come on. I’ll take you to the doctor and then I’ll call James.”

  Brendan? Who the hell is Brendan?

  ***

  I had confessed my deepest secrets to a man who lived in James’ old apartment building. A practical stranger who I kissed twice, apparently only to try to move on from James. And now the two of them were friends and he had zero feel
ings for me? Crap, crap, crap!

  I tapped the back of my heels against the exam table. Coming here was a huge mistake. Trusting Brendan was an even bigger mistake. For all I knew, he was calling James right now. I had been tempted to insist that he come back here with me, but I doubted we were close enough for that. Not only was my escape going terribly wrong, but I was more curious than ever who Tyler was.

  There was a knock on the door and a doctor came in. He was about my dad’s age.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Gwendolyn Alabaster,” he stuck out his hand.

  That was the one thing Brendan agreed to let me do. Give the doctor a fake name. I quickly shook his hand. “Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.”

  “It was no issue at all. Now what can I help you with, Gwendolyn?”

  “I had surgery a few weeks ago, and I can’t remember what for. I was hoping you could tell me.”

  “You can’t remember? Was it minor surgery, or…”

  “I’m not sure. I was blacked out.” Drinking seemed like a good excuse for this. I didn’t want him figuring out who I was and calling James or something. I was hoping there was still some way to prevent Brendan from calling him.

  “I see.” He wrote something down in his notebook. “Do you often blackout after you’ve been drinking?”

  “No, it was just a one-time thing. I was deeply depressed. But I woke up with these scars on my stomach.” I lifted up the bottom of my shirt.

  He lowered the glasses that were on the top of his head and bent down to take a closer look. “That wasn’t minor surgery, Gwendolyn.”

  “So you know what it was for?”

  “The location of the sutures are consistent with a bilateral oophorectomy. But I can do a more thorough exam…”

  “No, that’s okay. I don’t really have time.” I didn’t trust Brendan on his own out there in the waiting room. “What does it mean? Bilateral oopho…what was it again?”