Beyond Winning

by Robert H Mnookin

  Then ask your coach to play the role of the other side, and practice responding to each attack by simply paraphrasing it. Recall how Martin responded to Susan’s belittling comments:

  SUSAN: You’ve just never shown much interest in the business side of the business—you’d be terrible on your own.

  MARTIN: So you think that I don’t like the business side of running the restaurant, and that I wouldn’t do well here without you?

  Resist the temptation to argue, even with your coach. You don’t need to argue. Indeed, you may find that you are much calmer when you don’t even try. Instead, just practice acknowledging that the speaker has expressed a certain view of your behavior, which you don’t necessarily share.

  PREPARE TO SHARE YOUR PERSPECTIVE

  For many, empathy is the hard part; assertion is easy. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes it’s hard to assert your own perspective, especially when the other person doesn’t want to hear what you have to say or thinks something very different. And it can be hard to do confidently, particularly when you don’t feel confident.

  We all have a right to express our views. Even if your perspective or story turns out to be incomplete or inaccurate, you should be confident in your right to articulate how you see the situation. Just as you don’t need to agree with the other side when you demonstrate understanding of his views, he doesn’t need to agree with you when you explain yours. But he should listen, and if he doesn’t, you should insist.

  In preparing for this assertive component of your negotiation, first ask yourself whether you really feel entitled to have your say. If you have any hesitation in this regard, it can help if you resolve to try to empathize with the other side’s views; this may make you feel more confident about asserting your own. “At least I won’t be acting like a jerk,” you can tell yourself. “I’ll demonstrate understanding of what the other person is saying, and then I’ll try to explain how I see it differently. That’s balanced. That’s fair.” Part of your preparation is to think about how to negotiate a process that ensures that both sides have an opportunity to assert their own perspective and demonstrate an understanding of the other’s perspective.

  Next, practice telling your story. Don’t just imagine it in your head—say it out loud. You’ll be surprised how much revision and refinement you’ll want to make when you hear the story in your own words, with your own ears. Does your story tend to meander and get side-tracked in irrelevant details? What are the key points that you want to make? Are there elements of your story that you’re unsure about? Do you need more information to make your case clearly and persuasively? How can you get that information? Figure all of this out ahead of time. Such preparation can help you identify confusion in your own thinking and can even lead you to reevaluate your story. Maybe it’s stronger than you thought. Or not as strong. Either way, your story will be more forceful if you get your ducks in a row ahead of time. Once you’ve refined the narrative, make a list of your key points. At the table, you don’t want to waste mental energy worrying that you might forget something important.

  Finally, consider how to frame your story so that the other side can take it in and it is most persuasive. Rehearse a story that doesn’t blame the other side and doesn’t characterize her motivations or intentions. For example, if your negotiation will inevitably involve a discussion of past conflicts with the other side, try to present your account in as neutral a way as possible. “When you [did X], this is how it affected me. I’m not suggesting that was your intention. I don’t know what your intention was, and you may have intended something quite different. But the impact on me was . . . ” In this way, you will give the other side some breathing room to absorb what you are saying.

  Suppose Martin realizes that it is important to him that Susan understand why he has always been so gregarious with customers and eager to spend money on promotions and marketing. He might say something like this:

  MARTIN: I know I’ve mentioned this a million times, but I always dreamed of owning a restaurant. I was raised in a big Italian family where food was the center of the universe. Every Sunday our house was the place where everybody dropped in for dinner. We had a tiny house, so the dining room was crammed with people. Sometimes it felt like the whole neighborhood was in there. People would sit for hours, telling stories. Both of my parents were great cooks, so that pretty much defined my idea of what food was all about. I’ve always wanted to create that same feeling in our restaurant. In college, my business training largely focused on marketing. My course in hotel management was obsessed with word-of-mouth. They actually taught us that in restaurants you should give food away, if it builds customer loyalty. So when you and I started our restaurant, I had all these ideas in my head—about my family and about good business practice and so on. You may have thought I was cavalier and wasteful or just didn’t care about money, but I was making conscious decisions. You might not have agreed with them, but they were decisions. The problem is, we never talked about it. So I’m not blaming anyone. We just had different perspectives. You were worried that the restaurant would fail because of costs being too high, and I was worried that it would fail because of our customer base being too small.

  At the Table

  Your first goal at the bargaining table is to lay a foundation for problem-solving. To do this, you need to establish a process that will allow both parties to empathize and assert. These basic tasks are critical to ensuring that, as the negotiation goes along, it doesn’t derail because of misunderstandings or unnecessary escalation of conflict.

  NEGOTIATE A RECIPROCAL PROCESS

  In our experience, it often helps to discuss process explicitly at the start of a negotiation, by saying something like this: “I have a suggestion. I’d like to be sure we both have an opportunity to explain how we see things. I suspect your perspective about these issues is very different from mine. But I’d like to understand your perspective, and I’d like you to understand mine, even if we don’t agree. You can go first, and I’ll listen. After you’re satisfied that I understand your point of view, then I’d like to take a few minutes to tell you about mine. How does this sound to you?” But beware of trying to impose a process. The negotiator on the other side may have her own views of what the agenda should be. And she may not immediately see the utility of trying to explore each other’s views and interests.

  It often helps to let the other side talk first. People like to talk, and they like to assert their own views. Competitors, of course, will jump at this invitation. Even accommodators and avoiders may find it hard to resist sharing their point of view, especially if they haven’t been put on the defensive by hearing your perspective first. This approach can be particularly productive if there are strong emotions attached to the negotiation. Many people cannot listen at all until they’ve blown off steam. Let them say their piece. Give them plenty of time. Let them run out of gas. Be prepared to show them you understand. And make it clear from the outset that understanding doesn’t mean agreeing. This simple process will give you a much better chance of getting the other person’s attention when it’s your turn to talk. And it will give you a chance to demonstrate what empathy looks like in a negotiation.

  MARTIN: You obviously feel strongly about buying me out, and I have some ideas of my own. So why don’t you go first? Tell me your ideas about the future of the restaurant. I’d really like to understand them, even though I don’t know yet whether I agree with them. Then I’ll take a few minutes and explain how I see things. Maybe you won’t agree with my ideas, but I’d like to know that you at least understand what I’m thinking. How does that sound?

  But what if the person on the other side won’t stop talking? You will need to remind him of the understanding that you would both have some air time. You might want to say something like this: “You’ve been explaining how you see the situation for a while now, and I think I’ve shown you that I understand your point of view. Because we see things differently, I’d like a chance to
explain my perspective and make sure that you understand it. Would that be OK with you—if I take a few minutes to tell you my view of the situation?” Every negotiation follows some process—you can’t get around it. If you don’t take the time to negotiate a reciprocal process, you may end up in a cycle of argument and counter-argument in which neither side listens to the other. In that case, the process that you will have established by default is “Whoever talks loudest and longest wins.”

  USE THE EMPATHY LOOP

  Assuming that the other side sees the need for some reciprocal understanding, and that she has accepted your invitation to talk first, how do you go about demonstrating that you are trying to understand? Use a technique we call the empathy loop (Figure 4).13 The empathy loop has three steps:

  (1) You inquire about a subject or issue

  (2) The other side responds

  (3) You demonstrate your understanding of the response and test or check that understanding with the other person

  In other words, you loop your understanding of the other side’s perspective back to them. If they respond to your looping by saying that you’ve gotten it wrong, you treat this as a return to step two and again loop what they have said. The empathy loop is the basic tool to fall back on when you are trying to demonstrate understanding.

  To switch examples for a moment, let’s go back to Stephanie’s negotiation with her prospective boss about whether the Bradford Advertising Agency would pay her moving expenses (see Chapter 1). As she probes his interests, she might say something like this:

  STEPHANIE: So it sounds like you aren’t interested in paying for my moving expenses. Why not?

  BRADFORD: Well, it’s pretty simple—as a company policy we just don’t cover moving expenses. I can’t bend the rules in every case.

  STEPHANIE: I see. So the company has a policy about this, and you’re concerned about the consequences if you made an exception in my case.

  BRADFORD: Right. You know, your expenses probably won’t be that high, but some people move half way around the world and have a ton of stuff, and then the company gets socked for a huge moving bill. So our rule is no moving expenses.

  STEPHANIE: OK. So you think my expenses would be pretty low, but you’re still concerned that if the company picked them up it could get stuck later with someone else’s really high bill. Is that basically it—or is there something I’m missing?

  BRADFORD: No, that’s it in a nutshell. I wish I could help you out.

  At this point, Stephanie has tracked Bradford’s concerns and interests carefully, looped those back to him, and inquired toward the end about whether her understanding is complete or still seems—to Bradford—to be missing something.

  There is no single formula for demonstrating understanding. But we can suggest some helpful questions for eliciting the other person’s story and showing them that you’re trying to understand. These include:14

  • “Is this the problem as you see it?”

  • “Will you clarify what you mean by . . . My understanding is . . . Is that right?”

  • “What I understand you to say is . . . Is that right?”

  • “As I understand it, the problem is . . . Am I hearing you correctly?”

  • “To summarize, the main points as I heard them are . . . Have I understood you right?”

  • “What am I missing?”

  • “Is there anything about how you see this that we haven’t talked about yet?”

  The precise formulation is less important than trying to check the accuracy of what you have understood. Demonstrating understanding requires paraphrasing, checking your understanding, and giving the other person a chance to respond. Empathy, as we see it, requires genuine curiosity.15 It cannot be easily faked with the insincere use of catch-phrases, including those suggested above. Most people are pretty good at detecting a phony who is simply going through the motions. “What I hear you saying is” can make matters worse if the other person thinks you really don’t care about learning their perspective or are being manipulative. Having the right mindset is critical.

  Figure 4

  DON’T AGREE IF YOU DISAGREE

  As you listen and demonstrate understanding, the other person may say something like, “Don’t you think that’s right?” or “Do you see what I’m saying?” Generally these questions are merely attempts to get you to continue to demonstrate understanding, but they invite confusion about whether you actually agree on the substance. Be clear that you do not, or that you are not yet sure about what you think. Say, “I’m just trying to understand—I have a perspective of my own, but let’s wait on that.” Or, “I’m not sure yet whether I agree or disagree, but for now I just want to understand how you see the situation.” Keep clarifying the point that empathy doesn’t mean agreement.

  No matter how much both sides listen and empathize, they may still disagree. And then there may be sparks—not out of anger or aggression but merely because of genuine difference. Be prepared for such conflict, particularly if you tend to be an avoider. Expect it. Imagine how it will feel to sit in the face of the disagreement and hold on to your view in a respectful and productive way. Prepare yourself for conflict so that you’ll be able to manage it skillfully.

  CHECK IN ONE LAST TIME

  At some point you will likely feel that you have heard the other side out and have shown her that you understand her view. It may take longer than you expected. But eventually you’ll loop enough times that she should feel that you’ve heard her.

  To make the transition to asserting your own perspective, you want to check in with the other side one more time to be sure that she agrees that you have heard her point of view. “So—it seems that you think X, Y, and Z. I also heard you say A, B, and C. Is that right? Is there anything I’m missing in your story, or more you want me to hear? No? OK, well, I guess I’d like to tell you how I see things.”

  EXPLAIN YOUR STORY

  After you have demonstrated to the other side’s satisfaction that you understand her perspective, you should be in a better position to assert some of your own interests and concerns. For example, Stephanie might say:

  STEPHANIE: Well, I appreciate that you’d like to help out with the move. Let me explain my concerns about moving expenses and why I hope we can find a creative solution. Is that OK?

  BRADFORD: Sure.

  STEPHANIE: If I accept this job, I’m going to have some start-up expenses. I’ll have to sell my house and buy a house here. I’m concerned about a cash-flow problem. The moving expenses alone will be about $10,000. Frankly, I don’t have that much in savings. The move will take a couple of weeks, and I probably won’t get a paycheck until I’ve been at work at least a month. I’m worried about how I’m going to make it through this period.

  BRADFORD: Oh, I see. That’s a tough situation.

  STEPHANIE: Yeah, frankly it creates a real problem.

  Stephanie doesn’t attack or belittle the company’s policy. She simply explains her own point of view and why the cost of moving concerns her. Because she’s prepared (she knows there will be two different stories), she is less tempted to say, “Your policy is stupid; my story is the right one.” Instead, her task—which she negotiated explicitly up front—is just to lay out her own story, even if it differs from her prospective employer’s.

  CHECK THE OTHER SIDE’S UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR STORY

  As a last step in laying the foundation for problem-solving, you want to be sure that the other side has heard you. Don’t assume that his nodding head or “Yes, yes” indicates true understanding. Ask him to demonstrate understanding more completely by sharing his version of your story. There are many ways to do this, including:

  • “I’m worried that I’m not getting my message across. Could you help me out: what did you hear me say?”

  • “Just to be sure I’m not confusing you, what do you think my point was there?”

  • “I’ve tried to show you that I understand the situation from your poin
t of view—I wonder if you could do the same. What do you hear me saying?”

  By asking the other side to demonstrate their understanding of your perspective, you can reinforce that your empathy with him didn’t mean agreement. Once he has to show you understanding, he is far less likely to say, “But you agreed with me before.” Moreover, you will most likely identify points that he didn’t hear completely or has translated in a way that doesn’t make sense to you.

  IF NECESSARY, CHANGE THE GAME

  No matter how carefully you try to establish a productive process at the start, you may find that eventually you get stuck. Perhaps neither you nor the other side is listening after all. Perhaps you are feeling defensive. Perhaps the other side seems to be tuning out.

  Recall our discussion of the three negotiating tendencies and how they typically interact. Try to diagnose what is happening. Have you been acting like a competitor? Have you taken up too much air time and tried to control the agenda? Do you need to back off and listen for a while? Think about the other side’s behavior. What negotiating style has he been using? What does that tell you about why the two of you have gotten stuck? Look for a pattern. Then see if you can change the dynamic by adding more empathy or assertiveness, as needed. If you think you’ve gotten caught up in a competitive mode, you might say: “You know, I realize I’ve been doing all the talking and I’m not sure I’ve fully understood what you’re trying to say. Would you take a few minutes and help me understand why . . .?”