The Stories of the Three Burglars

by Frank Richard Stockton

o' that, oldman; fork over the money or I'll lay you out stiff as a poker, and helpmyself. I'm not a fellow to be fooled with, and there's nobody in thishouse can stop me.' Old Groppeltacker, he didn't turn a hair, but justsot there, and says he, 'Before you blow any more, suppose you take mylittle gold mouse out of your pocket and hand it to me.' I must say Iwas took back at this, but I spoke back, as bold as brass, and said Inever seed his gold mouse. 'O, ho!' says he, 'what you didn't see wasthe electric button under the table cover which rung a bell when themouse was picked up. That's what I call my mouse-trap.'

  "At this I jist b'iled over. 'Now,' says I, 'just you hand out everycent you've got, and your watch, too; not another word.' And I jumped upand clapped my hand on my pistol in my hip-pocket, and just at thatminute there was a click and the nippers were on me, and there was a bigpoliceman with his hand on my shoulder. I couldn't speak, I was sob'ilin' and so dumbfounded both at once. Old Groppeltacker he justleaned back and he laughed. 'You came in,' he said to the cop,'jest thesecond I rang, and as soft as a cat, and the first thing that I wantyou to do is to take that gold mouse out of his pocket, and I'll be onhand whenever you let me know I'm wanted.' The cop he took the goldmouse out of my pocket, and says he, 'I know this fellow, and if I'm notmistook, they'll be more charges than yourn made ag'in him.' Therewasn't no chance to show fight, so I didn't do it, but I says to oldGroppeltacker, 'There's my expenses, you've got to pay them,anyway.'--'All right,' says he, 'jist you send in your bill markedcorrect, by my daughter, and I'll settle it,' and he laughed again, andthe cop he took me off. Well, ladies and gents, that little piece ofbusiness, together with some other old scores, took me to Sing Sing forthree years, and it tain't six months since I got out, so you can seefor yourselves what hard times a fellow in my line of business sometimeshas."

  "Well," said Aunt Martha, "I don't approve of the Groppeltacker sort ofpeople, but if there were more of that kind I believe there would befewer of your kind. That story shows you in such a bad light that Ibelieve it's true."

  "Every word of it," said the man. "I wish it wasn't."

  And now I spoke. "Since you claim to be a truth-telling being," I saidto the stout burglar, "suppose you tell me why you never attemptedbefore to break into my house. Every considerable dwelling in thisneighbourhood has been entered, and I have no doubt you are the men whocommitted all the burglaries."

  "No, sir," said he; "not men, I am the man who did 'em all; but thesetwo friends of mine was never with me before in a bit of business likethis. 'Tain't in their line. I have had pals with me, but they wasprofessionals. These ain't cracksmen, they don't know nothin' about it;but this one is handy at tools, and that's the reason I brung him along,but you see he kicked, and was goin' to give me away, and this younggentleman"--

  "Never mind about that young gentleman," I said; "I have a certaincuriosity to know why my house was not entered when the others were."

  "Well," said he, "I don't mind tellin' yer how that was. It was onaccount of your baby. We don't like to crack a house where there's apretty small baby that's liable to wake up and howl any minute, androuse up the rest of the family. There's no workin' in a house withcomfort when there's such a young one about. I'll tell you what it is,all your burglar-alarms and your dogs ain't worth nuthin' alongside of ababy for guardin' a house. If a cracksman ain't careful the alarms willgo off, and if he don't know how to manage dogs, the dogs will bark. Butby George, sir, there ain't no providin' ag'in a baby. He'll howl anytime, and nobody can tell when, so I waited till your baby was a littlemore settled in its ways and slept soundly, and then we come along, andhere we are."

  This statement very much surprised me, and did not elate me. Withoutsaying so to any one, I had flattered myself that the burglars had heardof my precautions, and of my excellent stock of firearms, and perhapshad got a notion that I would be an intrepid man to deal with, and itwas somewhat humiliating to find that it was our baby the burglars wereafraid of, and not myself. My wife was amazed.

  "Can it be possible," she said, "that these people know so much aboutour baby, and that George William has been protecting this house?"

  "It makes my flesh creep," said Aunt Martha. "Do you know everythingabout all of us?"

  "Wish I did, ma'am," said the stout burglar; "wish I'd known about thatbeastly liquor."

  "Well, we've had enough of this," said I, rising; "and, my dear, you andAunt Martha must be ready to go to bed, and David and I will keep guardover these fellows until morning."

  At this instant the youngest burglar spoke. His face wore a very anxiousexpression.

  "May I ask, sir," he said, "what you intend to do with me in themorning?"

  "I have already said," I answered, "that I shall then hand over all ofyou to the officers of justice of this country."

  "But, sir," said the young man, "you will surely except me. I am not atall concerned in this matter, and it would be of the greatest possibleinjury to me to be mixed up in it, or to be mentioned in public reportsas an associate of a criminal. I'm not acquainted with the gentleman atthe other end of the bench, but I have every reason to believe from whathe said to me that he intended to notify you if this James Barlowproceeded to any open act. For myself, I beg you will allow me to statewho and what I am, and to tell you by what a strange concatenation ofcircumstances I happen to find myself in my present position--one which,I assure you, causes me the greatest embarrassment and anxiety."

  "We've had enough story-telling for one night," said I, "and you hadbetter reserve your statement for the magistrate."

  Here Aunt Martha put in her voice.

  "That is not fair," she said, "two of them have been allowed to speak,and this one has just as much right to be heard as the others. What doyou say, Cornelia?"

  I hoped that my wife would put herself on my side, and would say that wehad enough of this sort of thing; but female curiosity is an unknownquantity, and she unhesitatingly replied that she would like to hear theyoung man's story. I sat down in despair. It was useless to endeavour towithstand this yearning for personal information,--one of the curses, Imay say, of our present civilization. The young man gave no time forchange of opinion, but immediately began. His voice was rich and ratherlow, and his manner exceedingly pleasing and gentle.

  "I wish to state in the first place," said he, "that I am a reporterfor the press. In the exercise of my vocation I have frequently foundmyself in peculiar and unpleasant positions, but never before have Ibeen in a situation so embarrassing, so humiliating, as this. In thecourse of my studies and experiences I have found that in literature andjournalism, as well as in art, one can make a true picture only of whatone has seen. Imagination is all very well, often grand and beautiful;but imaginative authors show us their inner selves and not our outerworld; there is to-day a demand for the real, and it is a demand whichwill be satisfied with nothing but the truth. I have determined, as faras in me lies, to endeavour to supply this demand, and I have devotedmyself to the study of Realism.

  "With this end in view, I have made it a rule never to describe anythingI have not personally seen and examined. If we would thoroughlyunderstand and appreciate our fellow-beings we must know what they doand how they do it; otherwise we cannot give them credit for theirvirtues, or judge them properly for their faults. If I could preventcrime I would annihilate it, and when it ceased to exist the necessityfor describing it would also cease. But it does exist. It is a powerfulelement in the life of the human race. Being known and acknowledgedeverywhere, it should be understood; therefore it should be described.The grand reality of which we are a part can never be truly comprehendeduntil we comprehend all its parts. But I will not philosophize. I havedevoted myself to Realism, and in order to be a conscientious student Istudy it in all its branches. I am frequently called upon to writeaccounts of burglars and burglaries, and in order thoroughly tounderstand these people and their method of action I determined, as soonas the opportunity should offer itself, to accompany a burglariousexpedition. My sole object was the acquisiti
on of knowledge of thesubject,--knowledge which to me would be valuable, and, I may say,essential. I engaged this man, James Barlow, to take me with him thefirst time he should have on hand an affair of this kind, and thus it isthat you find me here to-night in this company. As I came here for thepurpose of earnest and thorough investigation, I will frankly admit thatI would not have interfered