The Keeping Score Box Set

by Tawdra Kandle

  We straggled through the front door. When I glanced back before I stepped inside, I saw Quinn wrapped in Leo’s arms, both of them rocking a little as she shook. I felt kind of like a voyeur and turned my head quickly.

  “God, shouldn’t this be easier? He’s the third kid. I should’ve rolled over in bed, blown him a kiss and gone back to sleep.” Lisa blew her nose and wiped at her eyes. “This is ridiculous.”

  “But he’s your baby.” Carrie rubbed her back, reaching for her own tissue. “I mean, he’s not even my kid by blood, and I’m welling up here.”

  “Thanks for not laughing at me.” Lisa hooked an arm around my mom’s neck and another around Carrie’s. “I don’t know what I’d do without my girlfriends.”

  “We keep each other sane. Or mostly sane.” My mom reached for the coffee pot. “Speaking of sanity, who needs a cup of caffeine?”

  I wandered into the living room and leaned against the back of the sofa, watching the front door. My dad and Joe casually debated driving routes to Carolina as they set the table for breakfast. We were all pretending that everything was okay, that Quinn’s heart wasn’t breaking again just beyond the door.

  When she came back inside, I didn’t make a move toward her; she’d need a little space, I knew. Her eyes were slightly red, but she smiled at me.

  “I want to go out to the beach before breakfast. Want to come with me? It’s pretty cool still.”

  “Sure.” I didn’t hesitate. “Let’s go.”

  When Carrie and Bill had first begun renting this house, back when all of us kids were pretty little, they’d had the thoughtful foresight to make sure there was a ramp leading down to the beach, for when I came to visit. I had happy memories of running down that wooden slope with my walker to the sound of Leo and Quinn’s laughter and my mom’s worried shrieks.

  Good times.

  Today, though, Quinn and I both walked slowly down the ramp. Right before we reached the sand, Quinn paused and kicked off her sandals, leaving them at the edge of the wood. She took my arm, as if she needed me to steady her, although I knew it was more likely the other way around.

  “Chilly this morning.” Quinn looked out over the pounding surf.

  “Damp,” I corrected. “The sun will burn off the mist, and then it’ll be blistering by noon time.”

  “Probably.” We reached the wet part of the sand, and Quinn stopped walking. “Will you be happy to go home today?”

  I shrugged. “I guess. My mom keeps saying we need to do college shopping, but I’m not sure what she expects me to need. I’ve got clothes, they’ll give me a bed and a desk, and I’ll buy books and shit once I get there.”

  Quinn laughed. “Typical guy. You need sheets, doofus, and towels and all that. That’s what your mother means.”

  “Whatever.” I bumped my shoulder against hers, smirking. “Hey, you okay?”

  She was quiet for a few minutes, her gaze focused far out at the horizon. “I think so. I know this is how it’s got to be, for now. Leo has to be at Carolina, playing football, and I have to be up here with my mom.”

  “Yeah. Doesn’t make it easy, though.”

  Quinn flashed me a smile of gratitude. “No, it doesn’t. I want to make this work, though. I know it was kind of weird to other people, probably, that Leo and I ended up back together so fast after my dad . . .” She stopped and took a deep breath. “But it felt right. It felt like something clicked. Something changed. Leo’s been a different person this summer, don’t you think?”

  As much as I hated to admit it, I had to nod in agreement. “I overheard my parents talking about him. My dad said Leo’s grown up a little. Maybe the year that you two were apart taught him something.”

  “Maybe it was good for both of us.” Quinn sighed and laid her head on my shoulder. “I think we see things a little clearer now. And we realize how important our relationship is, and how quickly stupid stuff can mess it up.”

  “That’s good, I guess.” I ventured one arm around her, holding her loosely to my side. I knew this was nothing but friendship, nothing but Quinn being her usual affectionate self, but I was going to enjoy it anyway. “So you think everything’s going to be different this time? You and Leo are going to be able to deal with the distance thing, and being apart for four years?” Privately, I had my doubts. I couldn’t imagine being away from Quinn for four months, let alone four years; I’d been silently dreading our separation for college when she’d been planning to go to Evans.

  I expected her to jump to assure me that she and Leo were going to be fine, that they’d come out on the other side of these college years even stronger. Instead, she frowned, her forehead furrowing.

  “I . . . I hope so.” She answered me slowly. “You know, a year ago—or maybe a year and a half ago—I had this crazy belief that everything turns out well. If I did the right things, worked hard, all that shit, my life would be the way I wanted it. I thought my parents would both be there when I graduated college, when I got married, and when I had kids. I really believed that Leo and I were going to be together forever, no matter what, because that’s what’s meant to be. But now, I know that nothing’s guaranteed. Nothing’s promised to any of us. My dad isn’t going to be there to walk me down the aisle. And as much as I want to believe that Leo and I are going to work this time, I know the odds are against us.” She shook her head, and her hair rubbed against my chin. “I guess I learned this summer that there isn’t any sure thing. Not even our next breaths.”

  I shifted my weight, giving one leg a little break. Standing for long periods wasn’t easy for me, but there was no way I was going to suggest we move on now. Not when I had Quinn in my arms, even if it was only a friendly embrace. Her chest rose and fell against mine, and her hair blew up into my face. I breathed in her scent and struggled with how to respond to what she’d said.

  “I think I’ve always known that,” I said at last. “At least, since I was about ten. I overheard a doctor talking about how long I might have to live, and I realized I didn’t have the same life expectancy as you and Leo.”

  “God, Nate.” Quinn turned to look up at me, dismay on her face. “You never told us about that.”

  I lifted one shoulder. “What did it matter? Nothing any of us could do, really. But I think I decided then that I don’t have time for bullshit, you know? Small talk, telling white lies, not being honest with people about how I feel . . . not being real. Life’s too short for us to be phony or waste time, right? Anyway, that’s what I took away from it. Appreciate every day and keep it real.”

  Quinn rubbed my arm with her cheek. “Sometimes I forget how smart you are, Nate. Yeah, you’re right. Appreciate and keep it real.” She swiped at her eyes with her fingers and then rose to kiss my cheek. “Thank you for being my best friend. I know I leaned on Leo this summer, but I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. And I’m so glad we’re going to be together this year.” She snaked her arms around my chest and squeezed. “Don’t leave me, Nate, okay? Promise. I need you.”

  I was used to the feeling of my chest constricting, of not being able to breathe. It was part of my condition, and it happened on an all-too-regular basis. But this time, standing here now, my breath was catching and my heart was pounding for an entirely different reason.

  “I won’t, Quinn. I promise. I will always be here for you, no matter what.”

  Freshman Year

  August

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive over with you?” My mother gnawed on the corner of her lip, a habit I’d noticed had become more pronounced in the last few months.

  “It’s not that I don’t want you to be there, Mom.” I rubbed her arm and smiled. “It’s just that it doesn’t make any sense. You have the meeting with the estate attorney, and there’s nothing for you to do at the college. Gia and I are driving over together, Nate’s already there, and we’re just going to bring in my clothes and stuff. Unpack. You can come over tomorrow, for the parent crap.”

 
; “Nice language, Quinn.” She rolled her eyes, but her voice was mild. “But all the other parents will probably be there. I don’t want you to feel like an orphan.”

  “I’m not an orphan. Just fatherless.” I tried to keep it light, but my mother winced.

  “I’m still not sure you’re doing the right thing, though. Daddy wanted you to go to Evans. He was so excited about it.”

  “Yeah, well . . . that was before. We’ve been over this, Mom. I’m happy about my decision. Birch is an excellent college, and I can be with Gia and Nate.”

  “You’re sure you’re not just staying because you’re worried about me?” She narrowed her eyes, suspicious.

  “Absolutely not. I’m completely selfish.” I winked. “I’m not ready to be that far from you yet, but that’s for me, not you.” I paused. “Do you think I’m being a baby? Do you think Daddy would be ashamed of me?”

  “Oh, sweetie, of course not.” My mother pulled me into a hug. “Don’t be silly. I’m thrilled you’re going to be just a few minutes down the street from me. But I don’t want you to look back and have regrets.”

  “Nope. No regrets.” I leveled a look at her. “Right? We’re not living that way.” My phone buzzed, and I glanced down at the screen. “Oh, that’s Gia, wondering where I am. Okay, I need to go, but call me when you’re done with the meeting. And I’ll see you tomorrow for brunch and stupid orientation.”

  “It’s not stupid, but yes, I’ll be there. Send me a picture of your room tonight.”

  I opened my car door and climbed in. “Mom, you’ll see it tomorrow.” When she only cocked her head at me, I sighed. “Right. I’ll send it. Love you, Mommy.”

  “Love you, too, sweetheart. Be safe.”

  I focused on starting up the car and backing carefully out of the driveway, ignoring the lump in my throat. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of glancing at my rearview as I pulled away. Mom stood alone in the driveway, her hand to her mouth, and I knew she was fighting the same tears I was. Resisting the urge to stop the car and run back to hug her one more time, I steeled myself to turn the corner.

  But once I was out of her sight, I burst into ugly crying.

  “What’s wrong?” Gia’s concern was etched into her face and voice as she opened the passenger-side door. “Are you okay?”

  I shook my head and sniffled. “Leaving Mom—was hard.”

  “Oh, Quinn.” She rested her arm on the seat of the car. “What can I do?”

  “Toss your bags in the trunk and let’s get moving. I just need to stop thinking and get there.”

  She smiled at me. “You got it.”

  I popped the trunk and watched as Gia maneuvered her bags around mine in the back of the car. I hadn’t packed too much, but the trunk wasn’t very big. When Mom and I had picked out a used car for me, we’d been focused on reliability and price, not trunk space.

  Finally, she slammed it shut and came back around to slide into her seat. “Okay, we’re golden. Ready to become two official college students?”

  “Sure.” I shot her a smile. “It’s got to be better than high school, right?”

  “Fingers crossed.” Gia fiddled with her seat belt. “So was your mom emotional?”

  “We both were, but we were also both pretending it wasn’t a big deal.” I braked at a stop light and then turned onto the main road that would take us to Gatbury. “Where was your mother?”

  She shrugged. “We had a good-bye breakfast, and then she went to see my sister and the grandkids in Princeton. The whole leaving-for-college deal isn’t a big thing for her when it comes to the sixth kid.”

  “Still. I’m sorry, G.” I couldn’t imagine my mother not caring enough to hang around for my college departure. She’d hated missing move-in, even when I’d insisted I was okay with it.

  “It’s fine. And my dad texted this morning that he’d be in town in October and hoped to see me then. At least he remembered I was leaving today.” Gia’s parents had divorced ten years before, and the split had been far from amicable. I knew my friend had frequently felt as though she was the rope in an endless game of tug-of-war. Lately, though, it seemed both her dad and mom had better things to do than to pay attention to their youngest offspring.

  My phone, resting on the console between us, buzzed an alert that I had a new text message. “Speaking of texting . . . can you look at that, please? It’s probably my mom, checking to see if we got there okay. You know, because I’ve been gone for about fifteen minutes.”

  Gia scanned the screen. “Oooooh, it’s the Lion. And God, who knew he had such a dirty mind?”

  My face felt as though it turned five shades of red. “Gia! Give it to me.” I kept my eyes on the road and one hand on the wheel as I attempted to snag my phone back.

  “Settle down. I’m just teasing you. He says, ‘Happy move in day, Mia! Call me when you’re settled. Practice til five. Love you, baby.’ Awwww . . . how sweet.”

  I relaxed and turned my attention back to driving. “He is sweet. And he probably sent that during a break in practice. They’re really working them hard, and he says it’s damn hot down there.”

  “I bet.” Gia stretched her arms. “When are you planning to go visit him?”

  “Three weeks. Two days.” I grinned sideways at her. “Six hours.”

  “Not that you’re counting or anything.”

  “Not much.” I slowed to make the turn into the college’s main gate. “Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to ride down with me. We could do the whole road-trip deal. You know, mix tapes and junk food and sleeping in rest areas?”

  Gia grinned. “I’m so in. But can we update that description to be playlists instead of mix tapes? Since your car doesn’t even have a tape player?”

  I lifted one shoulder. “Well, it won’t sound as poetic, but sure.” I peered out the windshield as we reached an intersection. “Can you check and see where we go from here? See, this is good practice for you being my navigator.”

  She pointed to the left. “The sign says this way to Gibbons Hall. How was that?”

  “You’ll do.” I steered us around a bend, down a dip in the road and then back up to a tall brick building with a large wooden sign on the outside, proclaiming it to be Gibbons Hall. There was a loading area on the side and a parking lot across the street. Since we didn’t have too much to tote and the loading spot was pretty crowded, I chose the lot. “Here we are. Home sweet home-away-from-home.”

  “Looks like it.”

  We both climbed out and hoisted bags onto our shoulders. “Let’s take your stuff up first, and then we’ll check out my room. Okay?”

  Gia smiled. “Thanks. How did you know I didn’t want to go up and meet my roommate by myself?”

  I bumped my shoulder against hers as we crossed the street to the dorm. “Because I don’t want to do it alone either.”

  Just inside the double doors at the front of Gibbons, a long table was set up, manned by a bunch of people behind laptops. A line of freshmen waited to pick up their keys. Gia and I stood in the back of the queue until it was our turn.

  As it turned out, Gia was on the fourth floor, and I was in a room on the second story. We climbed up the steps to her room first, stepping around knots of people chatting in the hallway and parents carrying up boxes.

  “Do you think we’re doing something wrong, that we don’t have more shit with us?” Gia eyed up a guy carrying a stack of milk crates overflowing with books. “Some of these people look like they’re moving in forever.”

  I shrugged. “We have the advantage of knowing home is less than fifteen minutes away. Anything we might need, we can get pretty fast.”

  “I guess so. Oh, here’s my room.”

  We stopped outside a door that was closed, and Gia fumbled with her key. Casting me a here-goes-nothing look, she unlocked it and pushed it open.

  The room was shadowed and bare, with two beds, each pushed up against an opposite wall. A set of dressers abutted each bed, and desks with match
ing chairs were next to them.

  “Well, it’s . . . basic.” I stepped into the room and searched for a light switch. “But about what I expected.”

  “Yeah. Let’s drop the bags. We’ll put the sheets on my bed, and then we can go check out your space.” She deposited one suitcase on the floor by the left-side bed. “Hope Ellie the roommate is okay with me choosing my side.”

  We worked together, with me making up the bed while Gia unpacked her clothes and dumped them into the dresser drawers. I noticed Gia glancing over her shoulder every time we heard voices outside in the hall, but by the time we’d finished, there was still no sign of the roommate.

  “Okay, then.” She scanned the room. “I’ll put up some posters and pictures later. Let’s head down to the second floor and see if your roommate is here yet.”

  I picked up one of my duffel bags. “If you want to wait up here in case Ellie shows up, I’m okay. I promise.”

  “Nah. I want to see who the housing department stuck you with. And Nate should be around somewhere, right? Wonder how he’s making out.”

  “He texted this morning that his mom and dad were driving him over, if I wanted to ride with them.” I flashed a half-smile at Gia. “I was glad you and I had already made plans. I love the Wellmans, but it would have felt weird to come here with them. Like some kind of bizarro-world version of my own family, you know?”

  Gia nodded. “Still, I’m sure he’s going to want to see where you are.”

  “He won’t be able to navigate those steps very easily. They put him in a handicap-accessible room, you know. So he’ll be on the first floor over at Liddleton. I have a feeling we’re going to be hanging out there more than here.”

  “Maybe he’ll end up making a whole new group of friends and forgetting all about us.” Gia winked at me. “Remember all those stupid videos the guidance counselors made us sit through last year? ‘Going to College is A Brand New World.’”

  “Yeah.” I smirked. “But the people who made those movies didn’t know Nate. He’s got quirks and faults, but he’s loyal. He’d never turn his back on us.”