Half A Heart

by Kim Hartfield

  “If you had someone to do it with?”

  “No, that’s not it.” She spoke a little too quickly for me to believe her.

  “What were you going to say, then?”

  “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

  I rolled onto my stomach with a shrug. Sometimes it seemed like she wanted a girlfriend, but if she claimed she didn’t, that was okay with me. Nothing in my life could compare to my need to get Mercy back. I probably couldn’t give a relationship as much time or energy as it deserved.

  Even if I was already giving Sylvia plenty of time and energy, seeing her at least once every week. Even if she wasn’t as stuck-up as I’d initially feared, and more supportive than I’d ever dreamed.

  I was okay with this friends-with-benefits thing. It was perfectly fine.

  It wasn’t like I was in love with her or anything.

  This was sex, and speaking of which… I rolled over again and sank my teeth into the flesh beneath her collarbone. She let out a soft gasp, and I grabbed her breast. Hard.

  She liked it when I went a little rough on her. I wondered if she still would if she knew what I was thinking.

  By the time we were done in bed, it was past eleven and she was yawning. “You can stay over, if you like.” I propped myself on an elbow, leering at her openly as she hunted naked for her clothes.

  “I shouldn’t. My roommates would ask questions.”

  “Right.” I knew she didn’t want anyone to know about this because of her job – but sometimes it didn’t feel so good to be her dirty little secret.

  Bending over to pick up her bra, she looked up at me. “Sorry. It sounds nice, but I can’t. Besides, it’s probably better not to.”

  “Why? You’re worried I’ll get emotionally attached?” I couldn’t keep the derision out of my voice. “No worries about that. It was about convenience, nothing else.” And maybe a little cuddling. It would’ve been nice to have breakfast together…

  “I didn’t say anything like that. Jeez.” She hooked her bra around her back. “If you’re going to be moody, maybe I should stay home next time.”

  “Maybe you should. You’re the one who keeps wanting to come here.”

  Her eyes popped open. “Like you don’t enjoy this? Like you’re only in this for my sake? You’ve never said no to me, unless you were working.”

  This was quickly becoming a game of who could care less, and I wasn’t sure if I liked it. I had to put the brakes on, or this would go somewhere I didn’t want it to go. I did love when she came over. I just… I didn’t know.

  I stood up and went over to her, then enfolded her in my arms. “I wanted you to stay the night if it was easier.” Her body relaxed slightly, then tensed again. I brushed a hair off her shoulder. “I don’t want to fight. Can we make up?”

  She let out a long sigh. “I guess so, yeah.”

  “I’ll see you next Monday?”

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  The next few days were mostly quiet. I kept chugging along at the routine I’d established for myself, slightly down because of the almost-fight with Sylvia. I’d managed to prevent it from escalating, and I was proud of myself for that – but her attitude bothered me, and I couldn’t put my finger on why.

  The obvious explanation was that I wanted something more from her. But I didn’t!

  Well… as long as she didn’t. If she ever changed her mind about that, things might be different.

  I tried not to think too much about Sylvia when she wasn’t with me. I did my best to focus on working hard, as well as putting in job applications and going for more workshops at the employment center.

  And of course, there were the parenting classes. Since they were in different parts of town, I often had to drive a long way to get to them, which meant taking extra hours off work. I wouldn’t have been able to pull it off without the child support money.

  The classes were, surprisingly, not that bad. They dealt with things I’d never really thought about. Some would be important as Mercy got older, like giving her the sex talk – I definitely didn’t want to fuck that up. And there was stuff about non-aggressive discipline and how I was supposed to handle misbehavior. I could admit, at least to myself, I had a little to learn in that area.

  The instructors talked about knowing your strengths and weaknesses in parenting, and looking for support about correcting those weaknesses. They gave us all kinds of resources, some of which I wouldn’t have thought of – although a bitter taste came into my mouth when they talked about leaning on your family for support.

  I still hadn’t spoken to Chandra again, but I thought about her every day. She could be married by now, and I wouldn’t even know. I thought she’d try calling me again to re-invite me to the wedding… but maybe she wouldn’t. After the way I’d yelled at her and hung up on her, maybe she didn’t want to try again.

  I was in the middle of a shift at the grocery store one day, checking the time on my phone every five minutes. The store was filled with customers, which usually would’ve kept me awake and alert, but I’d slept badly for no reason and I couldn’t keep my eyes from glazing over.

  I scanned one item after another, suppressing the urge to yawn. “I have a coupon for that one,” the elderly woman in front of me said. “And did you catch the discount for those? They’re supposed to be half off.”

  I nodded patiently. I tried not to get irritated with frugal customers, as irritating as they might be. They were just trying to get by, same as me.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I waited until the lady was gone to check it. The number was unknown, and I hesitated before picking up. More customers were coming toward my lane, and I’d only have a minute for this. But it was probably one of the spam robot calls, anyway. Turning away from the aisle, I picked up.

  “Jenelle Emory?”

  The man’s voice sounded vaguely familiar. “Yes, speaking.”

  “This is Philip from Brimley-Lawrence Real Estate. We spoke last week in person?”

  “Oh, yes.” My heartbeat picked up speed. I thought the interview had gone okay. The company consisted of a pair of realtors who were looking to hire a receptionist. They’d both been nice, even friendly, and they’d seemed enthusiastic about my resume. Philip was probably just calling me to decide they’d decided to go with another candidate, but… “How are you doing?”

  “Good, Jenelle. How are you?”

  “I’m good.” A customer came up to the lane, and I quickly waved him aside. Even though I wasn’t supposed to, I slid the Next Lane Please sign on top of the conveyor belt.

  “Well, I might as well tell you why I’m calling. We finished interviewing candidates last week, and we’ve been reviewing the applications. Yours certainly stood out.”

  Here it was. The rejection was coming. I tensed up, waiting for it.

  “We’d like to offer you the position,” Philip said. “If you’re still interested, of course.”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “We’d like to take you on. Your starting wage would be twenty-five dollars an hour. We can’t offer benefits at the present time, but…”

  The rest of what he said was drowned out by the sound of my heart thundering in my ears. I couldn’t breathe – couldn’t even think. When I finally realized the line had gone silent, I had no idea what Philip had said or asked.

  “Yes,” I said hesitantly.

  “Yes? You’ll come work for us?”

  I nodded vehemently, my grin threatening to burst the seams of my face. “Yes! Are you kidding? I’d love to!”

  “That’s great to hear. We’ll whip up a start package and send it over to you, and you can have a look and get it signed at your earliest convenience. If you could have it done by the end of the week, that’d be great.”

  “I’ll have it back to you by tonight,” I said breathlessly. “You’re sure about this, though? You know who you’re talking to? You’re not going to take this back? You didn’t interview some other Jenelle?”

&n
bsp; He chuckled. “We’re very sure. We’re looking forward to working with you.”

  I shook my head, still unable to believe this was happening. As we said our goodbyes and hung up, only one thought was in my mind.

  I couldn’t wait to tell Sylvia.

  Nineteen – Sylvia

  I was ecstatic when Jenelle texted me her news. I couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day, to the point that my clients were asking me what was going on. Jenelle’s life was going to be completely different from now on, and that was partly thanks to me!

  I told her we had to celebrate somehow, and she agreed to meet at a bar on the outskirts of town, far enough from where either of us lived that no one would know us. When I picked her up, I could feel her vibrating with excitement. Her grin never left her face, and she was talking a mile a minute.

  “I just can’t believe it. It’s so crazy. They pay even more than I ever would’ve asked for. I’m going to have new duties; I’ll have to learn new things. I’m going to be totally lost for the first little bit. I hope I’ll be able to handle it. I’ve never been a receptionist before. Do you think it’s like being a cashier?”

  She gave me no time to answer. In fact, she barely took a breath until we got to the place. We stepped inside, and I blinked to adjust my eyes to the dim light. This was an interesting place. It was set up like a saloon from the Wild West.

  I wondered if Max would be willing to come all the way out here for happy hour – then remembered we didn’t go for happy hour anymore. Our friendship had never quite been the same after I’d confessed to being inappropriate with Jenelle. Especially now that she and I were sleeping together – my guilt made it hard to look him in the eye.

  I stepped over to the bar, letting my gaze run along the contours of Jenelle’s face as she took a seat at a table. As much as I adored Max, I had to admit that losing him was worth it.

  “Here you go.” I set a large glass in front of Jenelle and a smaller one in front of me. “A double gin and tonic for you. Coke for me, since I’m driving.”

  “Damn!” She stared at the glasses. “Are you trying to get me wasted? You know I don’t drink often.”

  “I’m trying to celebrate your new job, is what I’m doing.”

  “Oh my God, I do have a new job.” She took a huge gulp.

  She was adorable. I put my hand over hers, and like always, the contact sent a burst of electricity through my core. “You’re going to do great, hon. You deserve this.”

  “You’re too sweet to me.” She turned her hand over, interlacing her fingers with mine. “Sometimes.”

  I gasped playfully. “You mean all the time.”

  “Definitely not, but I guess it’s tough love. You tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to.”

  “I try.” My mind lingered on the word “love” as I continued talking. “When’s your start date, anyway? Are you quitting both of your current jobs right away?”

  “Soon, and I think so. I’m exhausted.” She grinned. “I’m going to tell my bosses to go fuck themselves. Go out with my middle finger up. Moon them from the parking lot.”

  “Jenelle! You need to maintain a good relationship with them. What if you need them as a reference?” I didn’t want to put this idea in her mind, but what if things didn’t work out with the new job and she had to go back?

  “I’m joking. Relax.” She caressed my hand with her thumb. “Although I really, really want to.”

  “Don’t!”

  She laughed softly to herself. “It’s so easy to push your buttons.” She took a quick sip of her drink. “For real, though, it was easier than I thought to find a new job, and a better one. I mean, it took some serious work! But it was possible, and I didn’t think it was. So thank you.”

  “You’ve already thanked me so many times.”

  “That’s not going to stop me from doing it again.” She gave me a small smile.

  I liked this side of her – soft, open, relaxed. I took her hand in both of mine and stroked it gently. “You have everything you wanted now. Child support, a better job… What comes next? Aside from Mercy, of course.”

  “That’s the big one.” Her face went serious. “I’ll just be focusing on that until it happens.”

  “That’s fair. I thought you might want to get a better place once she gets back.”

  “I’ll worry about that when I get to it, but probably not. My rent’s locked in. It’d be a lot more anywhere else.” Her lips twitched. “You really hate my place that much?”

  “It’s not that bad.” A little cramped, and definitely dingy, but it was livable. “Better than sharing an apartment with three roommates at the age of twenty-six.”

  “So what’s your plan?” She raised an eyebrow at me, making the question a challenge. “What comes next, Sylvia?”

  “Um…”

  I hadn’t really thought about it. I’d been taking my life day by day for so long. My apartment worked fine, even if the situation was slightly irritating. It was a roof over my head, anyway. Between work, friends, and hobbies – and Jenelle – I didn’t have much extra time to look for a new place.

  I was saving money by having so many roommates. I could swing a place on my own, but money would be tighter. I knew I wanted to live alone eventually, but I wasn’t sure if that time had come yet.

  “Oh, how the mighty have fallen!” she crowed. “You’ve been harassing me all this time to get my life in order, and you don’t even have yours under control.”

  “I mostly do!” I didn’t know if I should laugh or be annoyed. “More than you.”

  “That’s a low bar to set,” she teased. “Ninety percent of the world has their life more together than I do right now.”

  I was glad she could joke about it. Sometimes she was so sensitive. She was getting to the point of having her shit together, though. She was definitely a lot closer than she used to be.

  During her visit with Mercy yesterday, she’d been the perfect image of a loving mother. She’d helped Mercy with homework for over an hour, even though it was “new math” that she struggled with last week herself. She must’ve studied it during the intervening time, because she figured out all the answers. She was patient and kind with Mercy, and she’d been civil – almost friendly – with her foster parents. She couldn’t have been more different from the Jenelle I’d first met.

  “I’ll get my own place when I feel like it,” I said. “It’s not in the cards for now. It’d be nice, but also much more expensive.”

  “Then maybe you need a better-paying job.” She smirked at me. “Maybe you’re selling yourself short, working away for a job that doesn’t acknowledge all the benefits you can bring.”

  “Oh, stop.” She was throwing everything I’d ever said to her back in my face.

  “Just saying.” She shrugged.

  Glancing down at my drink, I frowned. She might have a point – not because the job undervalued me, but because of my connection with her. I’d been at this job for less than a year, it would look bad to move on so soon… but leaving would relieve me of the guilt of unethically sleeping with one of my clients. I’d feel better after she got Mercy back – but even so, I’d know what I’d done.

  If I changed jobs, there’d be no chance of getting in trouble if I kept seeing her. Even if anyone found out about our relationship, I could claim it’d started after I’d already left.

  Of course, I wasn’t “seeing” her. And there was no “relationship.”

  But… I didn’t want to stop hooking up with her anytime soon. I was still having fun, and she seemed to be enjoying herself, too. Even being out with her tonight felt comfortable and natural. It felt an awful lot like a date, and I didn’t mind at all.

  I swallowed, wondering why these weird thoughts kept coming to me. I didn’t do relationships. Period.

  “We should head out,” I said, and the suddenness of my words surprised even me.

  “Out?” She looked at me sharply.

  “To your
place,” I clarified. “If we don’t get out of here soon, it’ll be too late at night for us to make it there.” She knew I liked to go to bed early on weeknights, and considering how long we’d had to drive to get to a place where no one would know us, time was going to be a little tight.

  “Heaven forbid we spend some time together without having sex,” she muttered.

  “Sorry?”

  “Nothing.” Her lips flattened, and she stood up. Her drink was still half-full. “Let’s go.”

  I could apologize. I could tell her this wasn’t all about sex for me, that I enjoyed her company more than anyone else I could think of and that I’d come to care about her in a way I’d never cared about anyone before. I could say that if she weren’t so special to me, I’d never have put my job at risk for her. That I wouldn’t have bothered celebrating her new job tonight. That I wouldn’t have made her dinner, or rubbed her back, or held her in my arms, watching the lines on her face smooth out as she slowly fell asleep.

  But none of those words would come.

  “Okay,” I said. “Let’s go.”

  Twenty – Jenelle

  I’d put in my two weeks’ notice at my jobs, and now the countdown was on. I could hardly wait to get out of both places. Every time I poured a drink, every time I scanned an item, I said to myself, “It’s almost over.” I’d been kidding when I told Sylvia about flipping my bosses off… but fuck, I was tempted.

  I told Mercy the news at our next visit while we worked through her homework problems. Her mouth opened in a dramatic O as she sucked in a breath. “That’s amazing, Mommy!”

  She seemed happy for me, but I could tell there was something else going on in her head. Sitting at the table, a forgotten pencil in my hand, I waited for her to continue.

  “Does that mean I’m going to come back?” she asked quietly.

  A painful pang went through my heart at the way she phrased that. Not come home but come back. “Not yet,” I said. “Hopefully soon.” I paused, wanting to ask more, unsure if I was ready to hear the answer. “Do you want to come back?” I finally managed.