Lessons in Love

by Jerry Cole

  Of course he wasn't ready to sleep just yet. His parents were in surgery. They could die. His life was about to be upended either way. Who could sleep in a situation like that? He just needed to rest his eyes and legs a little bit, to escape the pain. Just for a few seconds...

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Nate had been frustrated when he tried to call Victor that night and got no answer at all from his home or his cell phone. He knew he didn't own Victor. They weren't even seriously dating, even if they were, dating didn't mean ownership either. Relationships were more like an empathetic contract, where you communicated your wants and needs and so long as you could each give what the other wanted, the relationship was good. But you couldn't expect someone to always be there for you, always ready to talk to you, always updating you on their lives.

  Still, although Nate could resist the urge to be controlling, he couldn't resist the urge to worry. It wouldn't hurt to just stop by Victor's place and see why he went home in the first place.

  Victor wasn't home either. Nate began to panic a little, but reminded himself that his lover had his own life. His own business.

  It was so easy to acknowledge when he was being controlling, or stupid, or unfair. It was so easy to get rid of those feelings. But his panic was so hard to dismiss. He wanted to know that Victor was okay. Perhaps that was a sort of controlling act as well, perhaps it was the white lie of controlling, that was ostensibly for good but the same damn thing at its core. He didn't care. Nate didn't want to hurt anyone, but if caring was wrong, then he was happy to be wrong.

  Nate had not expected Victor to be missing from work the next day either. With every event, every passing minute he felt more and more concerned, more and more consumed by the fear that everything would fall apart all of a sudden. Something had taken Victor away from him. Where was he? Victor had just dropped off the face of the Earth.

  Nate was never sure if he was worrying too much and over thinking, or if he was actually facing something worth worrying about. As the day progressed he felt more and more certain that his worries were founded in something very much real. Victor took his work seriously. Victor cared about those around him. There was no way that he'd just vanish for no good reason.

  At break, Nate headed to Mrs. Heeley's office and knocked. She would know if he'd called in sick or something of the sort. At least Nate's mind would be put at ease. Well, perhaps "put at ease" was a bit much. He would be relieved to know what was happening, even if that just gave him new fuel to worry with. It wasn't like he could stop worrying, like there was a conclusive answer or a thought which would stop him from feeling that raw panic.

  "Come on in," came Mrs. Heeley's voice. Looking up from her desk at Nate, she smiled. "Is all well, Mr. Thompson?"

  Nate mumbled an affirmative answer, then sighed. "Sort of. I just wanted to know where Vic- I mean Mr. Walker was. I'm worrying about him."

  "I don't know what specifically, only that it's a family emergency. He called around half past six this morning," she said.

  "Is that really all there is, or is it just private?" Nate asked, feeling suspicion putting his hairs on end.

  Mrs. Heeley smiled a warm, friendly smile which Nate did not often see on her. "It really is all there is. He is not ill. He is not in trouble. I did not send him away. There is something serious happening in his family and he needs to be away. I will talk to him later, when I can, but I suspect it would be serious for him to vanish like this."

  Nate nodded. "I guessed so."

  "Don't worry, he will be fine, I'm sure," she said. "Make sure not to waste all your break."

  Nate nodded again. "I won't. Thank you."

  "No problem," she replied, turning back to her computer.

  Not at all any calmer, Nate sat down in the lounge and sipped a coffee. He didn't have any appetite for actual food. He hadn't expected to be truly relieved, but what he had heard was even more anticlimactic than what he expected. All he wanted was to find out about Victor. He wanted to know more.

  For now, all he knew was he was back to carrying out all math duties for the day, like when Victor had been under review.

  Taking over Victor's classes was especially odd to Nate. It was like they were going backward. Victor was not supposed to be gone. Victor was supposed to be there. They were supposed to be working together. For all the other teachers present, Nate felt all alone in the world without Victor.

  Victor was more than a head of department, more than a tutor, more than a guide to him. Victor was a new stage in Nate's life, a source of constant lessons and growth, and the first man Nate felt he had truly been able to love. When Victor just disappeared like that... it was wrong.

  Nate tried calling Victor again. Not only was there no reply, the phone was turned off. At least Victor was not ill. But if he'd even forgotten to turn on or charge his phone, then he was probably insanely busy. It was probably a bad situation. Nate sipped his coffee, wondering when he would next be able to get in contact with Victor. He knew he wouldn't be able to eat properly, or rest, or even really think until then.

  His coffee had already gone cold. Had he been fretting so long? Probably so. It was almost time to get back to class and he didn't feel ready at all. He barely had enough time to put on his "adult who has his life together face." Kids didn't need to deal with his issues.

  "Are you all right, Mr. Thompson?" Miss Langley asked, sitting down next to Nate and startling him so much he spilled cold coffee in his lap. It was only a few drops, and not hot, so he didn't panic, and she didn't notice. "You don't look great. Do you need another day off?"

  Nate shook his head. "I'm just thinking about how I'm getting through the day. I'll be fine."

  "Oh yeah, you have to take on Mr. Walker’s classes too today. He is absent for some reason. Imagine leaving you alone! You're nowhere near ready enough," she said in a sympathetic tone. "I wouldn't blame you if you called off classes for the day."

  "No, the kids need someone to teach them," he replied with a smile. "Victor covered my lessons yesterday for my issue. I guess it's my turn now."

  "That's different. Those were his lessons in the first place, he knew how to handle them. He's just abandoning you to sabotage you again," Miss Langley said, furrowing her brow. "I don't know how they let him come back after all he did."

  "They reviewed him and agreed he was just being a bit uneducated and not thinking things through," Nate replied. "You can't just say everyone who is accused of anything should be kicked out."

  "But he's a racist. He just went after you two because you're both, you know, African-American. I would have thought it was pretty obvious he hated you for no reason," Miss Langley lamented.

  "But he isn't," Nate replied. "He's a good guy. He just said something without thinking and it came out wrong. Trust me on this one, he doesn't hate me."

  Miss Langley looked at him with those pitying eyes that people reserved for minorities who they thought were being taken advantage of. Nate didn't know how or why, but there was a range of expressions, both physical and verbal, that were nearly exclusive to the sort of person who saw minorities as children incapable of defending themselves. He tried not to get angry about it, after all, people like Miss Langley meant well, even if they were misguided or ignorant themselves. But it was so frustrating.

  "He thinks just because he's gay and dresses like an edgy biker vampire or something that he can't be touched," she said. "And then other people believe that impression. But it's not true. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he can't be a sexist, or a racist, or anything else."

  "Yeah, but dating a black guy would make it kind of hard for him to be racist," Nate remarked. He knew that it wasn't so clear-cut, but he also knew that Miss Langley would not look into things so deeply as to realize this. She would take it at face value, and probably believe, like Nate himself had believed until recently, that dating a minority meant you couldn't be racist against their ethnicity. However much Victor had encouraged him to fight for himself
and to show off his independence and power, he knew there would still be times when it was not worth fighting.

  Miss Langley was not worth starting a fight with. She was sweet and well-meaning and completely oblivious. In fact, she almost missed the comment entirely. "He's dating a black guy?" she asked.

  Nate just made eye contact with her. He felt like he could see the gears turning in her head a few seconds before the light bulb behind her eyes flashed on and she connected all the information.

  "Oh..." Miss Langley said, face flushing bright red. "I'm sorry I didn't think you were... Um... Wow... I'm sorry, Mr. Thompson..."

  Nate shook his head. "Don't be. I guess you can't always judge a book by its cover. I'm gay. Victor is a nice guy. We're not all what we look like."

  She just nodded and carried on stammering to herself, this time more quietly, so he could barely hear her. He took the time to find a tissue in his pocket and blot the coffee stains on his lap. "It's fine to not work out these things. It's not like you needed to know," he said in a softly reassuring voice.

  "I really feel I ought to have known," she said, blushing.

  "How come?" he asked, standing up and throwing away his now empty coffee cup and his tissue.

  "Actually I had a crush on you," she laughed nervously, "but I guess that's a pipe dream, isn't it? I hope Mr. Walker is all right."

  Nate paused. He hadn't been able to tell. No matter how much she liked him, he'd just taken her for another wannabe hero. She wasn't. She was so awkward and defensive about him because she liked him. So much for not judging a book by its cover.

  "I thought you didn't like Mr. Walker," Nate replied.

  "Well, he was always a bit stubborn, and a bit of an oddball, so we didn't always like him. Especially not after the incident," she said. "But I don't wish him any harm. I mean, I guess he's always dedicated to his work. If not to sabotage you, then I guess he's away for something serious."

  "Mrs. Heeley said that it was a family emergency. So he's not ill or anything, but he's not doing great either. I think he'll be fine in himself, but not mentally or emotionally," Nate considered.

  "I'd bet. My mother was diagnosed with cancer last year, and even though it didn't affect me physically, it really wore me out to see her doing so badly," she replied.

  Nate felt a pang of pain. "I hope it isn't so serious in his case."

  "I mean, it affects a lot of people, so it could be cancer. Or anything else. I wonder what could have happened," she mused as she packed up her notes and headed to the next class.

  Nate was confused by her behavior. How could she be so emotional one moment and so nonchalant the next? But, then again, if she had a crush on him she would act a little oddly. It was only natural. She probably hadn't even realized how much her words were feeding his fears. What were the cancer statistics now? One in three? It was possible that one of Victor's loved ones was affected. They could even be dead.

  Nate couldn't help but worry. His mother had been right. Victor's positives outweighed his negatives. Victor could very well be the one for Nate. And Nate wanted him to be well. Not just physically, but in every sense. The thought that Victor might be suffering, mentally or emotionally on any level, was painful to Nate.

  He knew he needed to focus on work, but it was so hard. He wanted to do well and help the kids, he didn't want to let his personal life interfere with his ability to be a good teacher. It was important to let them see how strong he was. But it was also important to let them know it was just fine to have a bad day. Not everyone was perfect.

  As the lessons progressed, Nate wondered why he cared so much for Victor. It was a weird bond, it felt like he'd known the other man his entire life. It felt like they were made for one another. In the areas where they were both fixated, they agreed. They both agreed on the importance of the next generation, on tolerance, on hard work. In aspects of taste and lifestyle, they worked well together, from simple things such as their taste in pizza to slightly more important things such as their choice of career. And they each balanced out one another's flaws, when they weren't busy adopting them. It was a match made in heaven. It was just so wonderful to meet someone who, at least at this point in his life, was so well suited to him.

  He didn't know what the future would hold for either of them. But his mother was right. He had to chase what—and who—made him happy. Maybe it would last forever, as sweet and peaceful as the old American ideals suggested love could be. Maybe there would be more tension for them to overcome every day. Maybe they would drift off in different directions, left as friends but not lovers. Or maybe it would end with an inferno of emotions and a disagreement that they could never come back from. But whatever it was, it was worth trying, it was a path worth following. Nate wanted to see how far they would go and how their story would end.

  Sitting down at the teacher's desk, his eighth grade class marching in with sullen looks on their faces, Nate decided to catch up on what the kids were meant to be doing. Looking at Victor's lesson plans, he couldn't help but smile. Victor prepared so well that it didn't even matter when he was unexpectedly absent for a day, or even a week. He was such a devoted teacher that he had everything ready so that the kids would continue learning even if he were struck by a car on his way to work. Victor was just that sort of person, the sort who believed in persevering. Victor would be back soon. Wouldn't he? It was a family emergency, but surely not anything that would keep him away?

  Nate pushed the panic to the back of his mind as he explained the lesson and set a few exercises for the kids to complete. He excused himself as if he were using the bathroom, but instead stood in the hallway looking at his cell phone. No texts or calls back from Victor. Nothing on his social media profiles about where or how he was. Just complete and utter silence.

  Making the most of this brief break, Nate tried calling again, but still couldn't get through. It was infuriating. It was painful. This was someone he was connecting with, and... and he couldn't connect. Nate drew a deep breath, reminding himself not to overreact. The kids needed him now. Putting his phone away, he marched back into the classroom, feeling a little deader inside with each second that passed.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Victor awoke to a light nudge to the shoulder which startled him. For a moment he didn't remember where he was or what he was doing, and felt that soft bliss one experiences awakening from a terrible, horrible nightmare. He smiled softly at the lady who had awoken him. She was sort of pretty, and the look on her face was soothing and reassuring.

  Then, a cramp to the leg and a sudden flood of memories reminded him of where he was and why he was even there in the first place. He almost fell out of the chair, and was only stopped when the nurse grabbed his arm with surprising strength and helped him rebalance on the seat.

  "The surgery is done," the nurse said with a smile that suggested all was, or would be, well.

  Memories still flooding back in, Victor nodded. "Will they be all right? I didn't even know what they needed doing. I got the call and just rushed here and... I don't know anything."

  "They had multiple surgeries. All of them were fairly minor, but when you have to go in for so many small surgeries, it can be tiring, and hard to keep track of," the nurse explained.

  "And they will be fine?" he insisted, feeling almost desperate for that news.

  "They'll be just fine, but they may take some time to come around. If you want, there is a third bed in their room. Normally we don't let visitors sleep in the beds, but I think you need it," she said.

  "I'm not sure I could sleep like that," he said.

  She shook her head. "I understand, but you seemed very tired, and they may take some time to wake up again. So the option is there if you would like it. No pressure. It'd just be better than falling asleep in a chair again if you get tired waiting for them to come round."

  Victor paused, drew a deep breath, and stood up to follow the nurse, trying to brace himself for what he would see. He couldn't imagine it
. "What exactly have they had done? If you know."

  "It's all right, not everyone wants the details. It can give the impression that things are worse than they actually are," she said. "Are you sure you want more information?"

  Victor nodded as she paused in front of a recovery room door.

  "They will be fine. They had a few fractures, lost some blood, but it's all under control right now. They just need to come around," she insisted. "They might look a bit… well, I suppose they won't look great to someone who knows and loves them. But rest assured that what matters is what's going on inside, and it's all in order. They just need to recover."

  As she opened the door, Victor realized how come she'd felt the need to warn him about their appearance. The bandaging was abundant, and in some places on his father's hand was speckled with blood seeping through. Great bruises covered them both, especially peering out from under the bandages, probably as a result more from surgery than from the accident. Both looked rather pale. Although Victor had been warned and although he knew everything was well, he didn't feel it. He felt almost sickened by how they looked.

  Still, he managed a meek smile at the nurse before he made his way over to the visitors' chair that was beside his mother's bed, facing his father's, where he dropped his coat on the floor and sat down. He would wait there until they awoke.

  On the one hand, it was awful to see people he loved so much looking so terrible. They didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve it at all. However old-fashioned they were, however many things they didn't understand, however many mistakes they made, however many ignorant things they said, they were still his parents. They still loved him dearly. And he still loved them.

  On the other hand, he was relieved. They looked awful, sure, but they were alive. They were there. They would pull through and live another day. And for all that suffering, the family was gaining an opportunity to start over, honestly this time. They would be able to better appreciate the time they had together.