Vengeance & Remission (Introduction)

by Amalia Angellinni

proudly, silently had to represent her husband. Instead, she started deceasing, imploding, destroying herself by collapsing and being squeezed within herself. She did it with purpose. She had a strict goal. She started eating less every day and she didn't drink enough water day by day. She didn't complain and made herself suffer internally.

  During the ambush, she wished to be killed when she realised that there were chances to die quickly, easily. She could pretend to be the happy wife as she did during the last weeks. She had become a professional liar. With every day, that passed, it was easier to smile politely and to pretend being the proud Roman woman everyone wanted to see. Even if her internal state got worse with every further heartbeat, it didn't influence her visibly. However, she started losing her internal colours. The process of fading out was already progressed so far that she didn't care about staying alive anymore. Earlier, she didn't want to die and every thought about death was scary. After half a year of a socially successful marriage, her heart was empty and doomed. The worst thing about it was that she didn't care. She wasn't scared anymore. The whole world became irrelevant.

  A kind of recovery happened in the moment, when Julia noticed Maxentius's evanescent look in the eyes and the sliding walk to the other side of the life. It was a revival for Julia. The lesser life was in Maxentius's body, the more power she got. As she saw his dead body, her whole plan changed into one big question mark. She was relieved when Appius ordered her to play the game, because she could pretend everything she wanted. She became the great simulator. She was adult and marked by life experience already.

  While she took care of Marcus Lucius, she was satisfied and happy about his unconsciousness. She even liked the situations, when he didn't recognize her or called her Decima. It was unimportant as long as she felt safe. She had started living on the reduced level compared to how vivid she used to be until her marriage. However, the amount of power and willingness to live after the ambush was incredibly high compared to the almost dashed off remains of resources she deployed as wife. She discovered a new goal in her life and she was happy as long as she could take care of the wounded man.

  She didn't notice when the situation changed rapidly. She was a victim of her phobia, again. As Marcus Lucius helped her stand the journey on the ship, she discovered that he actually cared about her. He didn't hurt her, even when he had the chance. He was supportive, cautious, nice. She didn't expect him to be this way. She was sure that all men were bastards without respect for beings weaker than themselves.

  Analysing Marcus Lucius wasn't easy. There were so many aspects that could influence his behaviour crucially. He could feel forced to stay straightforward, uncomplicated, truthful so that she was convinced about his good intentions. He could also respect her the way he treated his wife, because he loved Decima. Furthermore, he could act the way he did all his life, because he was that kind of person being really nice and supportive to others. Julia was occupied by the contingency analysis of how much all these possible aspects could have an effect on her situation. She tried to believe in Marcus Lucius's good intentions, but she was too deeply hurt to be able to trust anyone. If the innocence is stolen once, it can't be given back by anyone. It's like a jug that fell on the floor and crushed into millions of pieces. Even by gluing all pieces together again, the jug will never be the same as before. Julia's heart was overexerted and she wasn't able to switch back to the safety modus anymore. A shadow of insecurity would always exist in her internal, emotional space until the day she would die. However, by noticing the good in Marcus Lucius, she took giant leap forward for herself.

  In the moment, he disclosed her the plan to have his revenge, he simply announced his intent. It meant he would leave her one day to exact vengeance on the man who killed his wife or ordered to do it. In this second, she understood that there will be a point in time, when she will be left alone again. She knew she shouldn't get involved emotionally. She had to limit her feelings towards him, to protect herself the same way she protected herself from Maxentius. The same way she pretended everything was fine, when she hated the man on her side, she had to pretend everything was fine, when she was falling in love with the man next to her. She didn't want to miss his scent one day. She didn't want to miss his warmth one day. She didn't like to miss his voice one day. However, she knew that that day will come and she had to be prepared for it. Carpe diem had to become her claim. She had to appreciate every day with him as if that it would be their last day.

  Julia assumed that there was no force that could keep him next to her. His decision influenced her and her plan. She kept it in mind. She wanted to freeze the situation the way it was. It wasn't about him falling in love with her. It was about him staying near to her and protecting her like he did in the moment they saw each other for the first time. It was enough when he simply stayed the way he was. His mourning didn't disturb her. The distance between them was even a good thing. It allowed her to be sure that he wouldn't be brutal or selfish as Maxentius had been. The rare moments of touch like holding hands or sitting next to each other were enough for her. She didn't want more. She was completely satisfied with the current state. Therefore, she accepted the fact that the whole situation would unfortunately change one day. After every summer a winter follows. After every moment of luck and happiness, a moment of tragedy or inconvenience follows. This was the circle of life. Her task was to collect as many good memories as possible to look back at them and survive the period of misfortune.

  After regaining her vital power, she wasn't able to go back to her family. She wasn't ready and willing to hear a new suggestion about whom she was supposed to marry next. But staying alone as a woman was neither wise nor usual. At the end of the day, there was just deadly hollow waiting for her and she decided to end her life, when Marcus Lucius would leave her. He wasn’t supposed to know about her plan and the actual implementation. Nobody should keep her from executing her plan. She was brave enough to do it. The end had to come, it was foreseeable, tangible, substantial. She didn't know the real date, but she was determined to accomplish the decision she just made. It occurred honourable and brave to her, even in the ill, irrational way. She smiled sadly and cheerfully at once. She realized that she had left some time to spend with Marcus Lucius and it made her happy. She knew that she wasn't allowed to let him know her plan. She wasn't allowed to bring anyone into the loop. She had a plan and it made her feel safe and eased. It made her happy. For the first time in her adult life, she felt good and convenient with the current state. Briefly, she had to laugh. Everything appeared to be funny at once.

  As Julia was busy with her thoughts, Marcus Lucius was not able to forge out any further plans. He had too many variables to consider. At first, his health condition didn't allow him to have his revenge yet. He had to train his body to deserve the description “killing machine”. Then, he had to find a good occasion to find Quintus. It was probable that Quintus would visit Brigetio and stay in Aquincum, but Marcus Lucius had to make sure to find him somewhere. It wouldn't be clever to show up in a public place after months spent in hiding, without any explanation, only to find out that Quintus wasn't there. His whereabouts had to be confirmed before. The third aspect was about leaving Britannia. He could easily steal a horse and ride through the empire as he already did once before, but leaving Britannia implied at least two potential sources of trouble. Firstly, Appius shouldn't be punished for a friendly gesture. So before Marcus Lucius would even start preparing to leave, he had to clear the situation with Appius. Another thing was Julia's fate after the whole story came to light. However, the very first aspect seemed to be the most crucial to Marcus Lucius. He had to come back at least to his average health condition. Then, he would be able to take on the responsibility. He would explain to everybody that he pretended to be Maxentius and forced Julia to act as his wife. It was easy. Even the talk with Appius seemed to be simple suddenly. It was a step-by-step-strategy.

  He swore to himself to start exercising his body from the day they
reached Eboracum. They were supposed to live there for a while, and he had to use every minute possible to prepare himself to have his vengeance. He had to avenge his wife and the life they could have had together. Quintus and his men should be killed consciously and with admission of guilt. That was his long-term plan squeezed into a few words. It made him breathe regularly, even while he had Decima on his mind. It enormously eased his mourning. In that moment, he heard Julia's laughter again. He had to smile. She spread joy.

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  Some thoughts from the mail about the book – written by Brian

  I liked that it wasn’t just a love story. I loved the friendship issues: friendship between lovers (Marcus Lucius and Decima, Marcus Lucius and Julia, friendship between men, different kinds of relationships between people (among all Julia Nerva, Julia Appius, Julia