World Domination

by Steve Beaulieu

  As Eaglestar flew up through the hole in the ceiling, Eric could hear Jocelyn calling after him. “And you can forget about dinner at my parents on Sunday!”

  • • •

  Detective Grecia Ramirez watched from her desk as officers cheered on the superhero who entered dragging a masked man dressed in black leather after him. Unlike most of the people in law enforcement, Ramirez was not a fan of Eaglestar. She tried to turn to avoid him as he approached, but he plopped the perp down right in front of her desk anyway.

  “Good afternoon, Detective. I’d like to make a citizen’s arrest.”

  Ramirez tried to hide her annoyance. “That’s... great. Why don’t you take him right down the hall to booking and—”

  Eaglestar simply smiled and shook his head ‘no.’

  She knew better than to refuse to help him. Last time she did that, she got calls from the mayor, the governor, and the chief of police. She sighed and opened a new case file on her computer. “Okay, then. Name?”

  Eaglestar answered for the perp. “Battlegear.”

  Ramirez struggled to maintain her composure. She counted to three in her head before continuing. “I was hoping for his real name.”

  “Sorry, I can’t give you that. It’s against The Code.”

  Battlegear looked up for the first time. “Oh, sure. Now he follows The Code.”

  Eaglestar turned to Battlegear. “You don’t deserve her. She’s strictly hero material.”

  Ramirez ignored the banter and addressed the perp directly. “Oh, good. You’re lucid. Wanna tell me your name?”

  “Nope. And you won’t find anything if you run my prints or my picture, either.”

  “Why’s that?”

  Eaglestar interrupted yet again. “He’s a whiz with technology.”

  Ramirez stared daggers at the hero.

  Battlegear spoke up. “Look, you’re wasting your time anyway. Ask him what you’re supposed to charge me with.”

  Ramirez gave Eaglestar a questioning look.

  Eaglestar smiled heroically. “Attempted world domination.”

  Ramirez looked back at Battlegear, who now sported a knowing grin. She turned back to Eaglestar again. “First of all, there’s no such crime as ‘world domination,’ never mind ‘attempted world domination’.”

  Eaglestar looked incredulous as she went on. “And second, if there was such a thing, it would be way out of my jurisdiction.”

  “But he told me his entire plan...”

  Battlegear leaned toward the hero. “You never read me my Miranda rights. Besides, you broke into my house and took me away without a warrant.”

  Ramirez tried to correct him. “He’s not an officer of the law.”

  “Sorry, but you’re wrong there. The president deputized him as a federal agent last month.”

  Eaglestar pulled a badge out of his belt and proudly flashed it around the room. Several of the other officers started to clap.

  Ramirez stood and pulled Eaglestar aside. She spoke quietly enough that Battlegear couldn’t hear. “Listen. The way things are looking right now, we’re gonna be lucky if he doesn’t sue the hell out of the city and have you charged with assault and battery.”

  “But what about all his illegal weaponry?” Eaglestar walked back over to Battlegear. “He has all sorts of gizmos and gadgets. I mean, look at my poor costume. Do you have any idea how expensive this material is? It’s imported from Italy.”

  Ramirez looked the perp up and down. “But he doesn’t have any—”

  Eaglestar grabbed Battlegear’s forearm and lifted it up. He pointed to a metallic wristband covered in buttons and touchscreens. “Does this look like an Apple Watch to you?”

  “Can you get it off of him?”

  Battlegear started to panic. “No-no-no-no-no—it’s not a weapon!”

  Ramirez nodded at Eaglestar and he pulled at the wristband to get it off.

  Battlegear tried desperately to keep it on. “Please don’t take it off. Please.” Eaglestar managed to get it off anyway and handed it to Ramirez.

  “What is it?”

  Battlegear slumped down in his chair, looking totally defeated. He started to shimmer and fade, as if he was being “beamed up,” Star Trek style. “It’s a device that jams locator and transporter tech—”

  Ramirez and Eaglestar looked at each other just as Jocelyn entered. “I’m here to give a stateme—”

  And Battlegear finished disappearing.

  • • •

  Eric rematerialized inside some kind of airlock, with windows showing a field of stars outside and a beautiful view of the earth miles and miles below. “—nology.”

  He turned around to see several menacing figures in colorful costumes standing in front of a transparent plasti-steel door. They were in a super-futuristic space station control room, all chrome and black with flashing lights and holographic displays. “Uh... hey, guys.”

  They continued to stare at him, none of them offering a response.

  “Look, I know you guys must be angry, but just... just keep your hands away from that button, okay?” Eric was pointing to the giant red button that activated the airlock. “Okay?”

  • • •

  Ramirez was surprised to see Battlegear disappear, but not nearly as surprised as the woman who entered just as he did. Once she was recovered enough to talk, she had introduced herself as Jocelyn Chang, the perp’s girlfriend.

  “Was that... How did he... ?”

  Eaglestar seemed all too happy to comfort her. “Relax, citizen. I know just where to find him.”

  Ramirez raised an eyebrow at that. “And how exactly is that?”

  Eaglestar pulled a chair up next to Jocelyn, sat down, and crossed his legs. “If there’s one thing a hero can always count on, it’s a super-villain giving away everything he knows. It’s like this weird compulsion with them.” He put his arm around Jocelyn. “Those guys are just so egotistical.”

  Ramirez tried hard not call out the obvious “glass houses” statement. “Uh huh.”

  “But first I need a cup of joe. Even with super-speed, it’s a heckuva long flight.” Eaglestar looked at Ramirez expectantly, then realized she wasn’t getting him any coffee. He winked at Jocelyn, then stood up and headed toward the breakroom.

  Ramirez felt disgusted as she saw Jocelyn watch him admiringly as he walked away. “Seriously?”

  “Well, he is the world’s greatest hero, right? Who wouldn’t...” Suddenly, she looked excited. “Wait, did he say anything about me?”

  • • •

  Dr. Delay watched as Battlegear screamed at the top of his lungs in the airlock, apparently unaware that none of them could hear him. He looked to his motley group of compatriots. “What’s he saying?”

  Music Master, who was once again fidgeting with the mess of bright red hair sticking out of the top of his mask—something Delay absolutely hated—was the first to answer. “Don’t know. Probably pleading for his life, if I had to guess.”

  Creeping Death, a villain who had gotten started during the Great Depression and was somehow still active, tried to talk, but released a hacking cough first. Delay could swear dust came off of his faded black-and-gray arachnid-themed costume when he did this. He knew how much the ancient criminal hated Battlegear, since he had fought Eaglestar since World War II but had lately been replaced by Battlegear as his arch-nemesis.

  The old man finally took in a wheezing breath and spoke. “Could be entertaining.”

  Delay flipped the intercom switch and Eric’s voice immediately burst forth from the speaker at full volume. “—re going to regret this! I guarantee it!”

  The group of villains stood in silence for a moment, then all burst out laughing simultaneously. Repo Guy pulled his goggles up over his curly hair and leaned in toward the intercom. “Bro, you’re a walking cliché. You act like you’re one up on us.”

  Battlegear’s eyes narrowed as he eyed Repo Guy. “What makes you think I’m not?”

  Repo
Guy looked flustered as he flipped the intercom switch off. “I hate that dude. He’s thinks he’s better than us just because he’s, like, smart and stuff. You know, I can build cool stuff, too. You dudes should see my—”

  Delay cut him off. “We don’t want to hear about your damn car again, Repo. None of us want to hear another word about your freakin’ car. Ever.”

  Repo Guy crossed his arms in a huff while Delay flipped the switch again. “Surely you can’t be serious, Battlegear.”

  Megadude, who was nearly twice as tall as Delay and built like a Mack truck, suddenly let his rage get the best of him. “You... are the one... who screwed it all up!”

  Sinsation always had a way of calming Megadude down. She put her hand on his arm and his breathing slowed. Delay wasn’t sure if it was one of her powers, or if she was just so hot that no man could resist doing what she asked. “Calm down, big boy. Don’t want to crack the door.”

  Megadude turned away from the door and took deep breaths, but he continued shaking. Delay put his hand above the button that decompressed the airlock. “I think we’re done here.”

  Battlegear’s demeanor changed immediately. “Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait. Please. Just listen to me for one minute.”

  Delay was about to press the button anyway when another member of the group spoke up. Med-Evil was the creepiest person he had ever seen—basically a zombie dressed in a warped version of a doctor’s outfit. And his voice sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard. “Let’s hear him out.”

  Delay’s finger hovered just centimeters above the button. “Hurry it up.”

  Eric looked humbled all of a sudden. “I know I’ve been a little... defensive. I get that way when I know I’m wrong. I apologize.”

  The others looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Yeah, right.

  “No, seriously, guys. You know how Virgos are.”

  This time they grudgingly nodded and shook their heads.

  “I screwed up. I made a huuuuuge mistake. I realize that. But haven’t we all been there?”

  Through the transparent door, the others looked a little embarrassed. Most of them had sheepish expressions, and a couple looked away.

  “I mean, Dr. Delay, you told Black Badger your plans to carve your face into Mt. Rushmore while he was hanging over a shark tank. And we all know how that turned out, right?”

  Delay lifted his left arm and looked at the hook that had replaced the hand Badger had shoved into the shark tank after he escaped. As much as he hated to admit it, Battlegear might be on to something.

  “And Music Master, how about the time you sent that video to all the networks explaining how you were the new Emperor of Mexico... just a little too early?”

  Music Master’s face turned almost as red as his hair. Delay remembered seeing the video on the news of the huge wrestler, La Cucaracha, chasing him around and smashing his own keyboard over his head several times. “La Cucaracha was a lot tougher than I thought he’d be.”

  Eric pulled off his mask and revealed a furrowed brow and watery eyes. “Was my blunder really that much worse than what the rest of you have done? I mean, we all grew up on comic books and Bond movies, right? How can we resist when we have them in our clutches?”

  Repo Guy leaned in to the intercom microphone again. “But it was Eaglestar, dude. Eaglestar.”

  “Can I help it if my arch-nemesis is a little more powerful than the rest? You’re saying that’s somehow my fault?”

  The others seemed to be swayed by Battlegear’s arguments—all except for Med-Evil, who shambled closer to the door and lifted a skeletal finger. “It was flawless. World domination was but hours away. I may be undead, but that doesn’t mean I have forever. Decomposition isn’t pretty, you know.”

  “Hey, so we came up with a perfect plan once. Who’s to say we can’t do it again?” Eric put his hands together. “Whattaya say, guys? We can have our minions crunching the numbers within the hour.”

  Med-Evil reluctantly waved his hand in dismissal. “Fine! Let him—”

  Beep Beep Beep. A warning light flashed along with the alarm as the space station computers went into overdrive. Video screens sprang to life as the space station’s cameras focused on the threat.

  Delay hit a few controls and looked at the readings. “Incoming!” On the giant main monitor, Eaglestar flew toward the station at incredible speed.

  Megadude looked scared for someone so big and strong. “It’s him!”

  They all turned back to Eric, who grimaced and sucked in air through his teeth. “Did I... forget to mention I also revealed the location of our super-cool new headquarters? My bad.”

  • • •

  Ramirez handed Jocelyn a cup of coffee, then sat back down at her desk and took a sip of her own. “Okay, I have to ask. How could you not know your boyfriend was a super-villain?”

  “I keep asking myself the same question. He’s really a sweet guy... pretty nerdy, actually. Can you believe I found his costume once? I thought he was just going to wear it to a comic book convention or something. I guess it’s not the kind of thing you watch out for, you know? I mean... he works at a bank.”

  “That’s not good. He’s probably finding ways to get money all the time and covering it up. I guess he’s probably pretty rich, huh?”

  Jocelyn almost spit out her coffee. “Are you kidding me? I have to pay for dinner most of the time. If he’s skimming cash from his work, I have no idea what he’s spending it on.”

  • • •

  Eric saw Eaglestar approaching through the windows of the airlock and hoped that the idiots in the control room could figure out how to fire all the powerful weapons he had installed on the space station he had financed. If all those months working in the tech department at that stupid bank had gone to waste, he was going to be pissed.

  He tried to get their attention as they fumbled around with the controls and argued with each other about which buttons to press and which switches to switch. Since none of them seemed to be smart enough to think of letting him out so he could actually do something about the most powerful being on earth coming to beat them all up, he pulled the panel off the door controls and worked on the circuitry inside to get it unlocked.

  While he concentrated on that, Eaglestar had apparently come on board the station, because as soon as he got the door to open he was greeted with a cacophony of screaming, wrenching metal, and small explosions. He pulled on his mask and went through the doorway.

  By the time Eric entered the control room, some of his fellow super-villains were lying on the floor, while he could hear the others fighting in the corridor—presumably as they tried to make it to the escape pod.

  Eric searched through the wreckage and found one of his giant weapons, a ray gun the size of a bazooka. He smiled and powered it on, but the hum quickly died down and, as the lights faded on the weapon, so did his smile. “C’mon... c’mon...”

  He opened the weapon and pulled out a cartridge, then tossed it aside along with the weapon. He pulled his mask off again, then slumped down into a sitting position amidst the debris. He hung his head low and covered his face with his hands.

  Then he heard a voice. “Battlegear.”

  Eric looked up, dread scrawled across his face. In the flickering light of the damaged space station, he saw Eaglestar approaching. “Call me Eric. I’m done with all that stuff.”

  Eaglestar’s expression changed from stoic to one of disbelief. “You’re not even going to take a shot at me?”

  “I thought you had super-hearing. I’m done. My colleagues are out, our station is toast, my plan is ruined... what else is left?”

  • • •

  Ramirez handed Jocelyn a file folder. “Check this out. From what I can tell, your boyfriend has never committed any serious crimes or seriously injured anybody. It’s almost like he does it as some kind of hobby.”

  Jocelyn looked through the file. “Huh. You mean all he wants to do is play dress up and fight superheroes?”

&nbs
p; “He’s like a grown-up kid. I mean, sure, he’s committed misdemeanors and stuff, but he obviously doesn’t really want anyone to get hurt.”

  “So you don’t think he belongs in prison?”

  Ramirez scoffed at the thought. “Honey, what that boy needs is some therapy.”

  “You don’t think I should give him another chance, do you? I mean, Eaglestar seemed like he might be—”

  Ramirez had no interest in helping Eaglestar with another conquest. “Definitely. Your boyfriend definitely deserves another chance.”

  • • •

  Eric thought Eaglestar actually seemed a little worried as he sat down next to him. “You must have something else in the works.”

  Eric picked up a broken piece of technology and absentmindedly turned it around in his hands. “Nah. We threw everything we had into this latest scheme.”

  “I can’t believe that. You’re some kind of super-genius, right? You must have more ideas.”

  Tears welled up in Eric’s eyes as he tossed the gadget he had in his hands. “What’s the point? You know? I mean, you mop the floor with us every time. You don’t even need the help of those other heroes anymore.”

  “Yeah. It is easier just to fly solo. Some of those other guys have some serious issues.”

  Eric nodded at his fallen teammates. “Tell me about it.”

  “You can’t give up. What am I supposed to do then?”

  Eric was confused. “Wouldn’t that make your life a lot easier?”

  “Easier? Try boring-er. What am I going to do without you around? Fly around stopping a bunch of meth-heads from robbing convenience stores?”

  Eric was hesitant to speak, but then he opened up. “You know... you were the reason I got into this biz in the first place. I thought about being a hero, but it was like, ‘Why be just another second-rater living in Eaglestar’s shadow?’ Seriously. I figured if I was a good enough villain, I could become your arch-nemesis, and our names would be linked forever.”

  Eaglestar seemed genuinely touched. “Wow. I’m honored.”

  “Really? You know, maybe I could come up with something new.”