by Holly Jaymes
I nodded, glad he finally saw things from my side.
“I’ve gotta run. You gonna be alright?” he asked.
“Yeah. I’m just going to…I don’t know, maybe go for a run then hang out.”
“Don’t get too drunk.”
I laughed. “I can’t promise that.”
He gave me a quick hug. “Take care, baby bro.”
“Thanks, Wyatt.”
When he left, I gave up on the idea of a run and rummaged through my cupboard for my bottle of whiskey. Before I started to indulge, I called the fire chief and told him I was back a day early, and if he needed me tomorrow, I could come in. He said he was good and to enjoy the day off.
“Right,” I scoffed as I poured my first three fingers of whiskey of the night.
I woke the next morning on my couch feeling like someone had stapled my head to the cushion and washed my mouth out with a mixture of sand and cotton.
I drank the water and swallowed the two pain reliever pills I’d been smart enough to leave on the coffee table last night.
It was time to dig myself out of my pity party. I needed to clear my head. The best way to do that was a cold shower and then a run. I was able to manage a warm shower and opted for a swim instead. My head throbbed, and my stomach churned, but I pushed through it.
I was getting out of the pool when I saw Allie’s car pull into her parking space. Immediately I felt a stab of pain in my chest, and at the same time, a longing for her that nearly had me crying out in frustration. Not wanting to see her, I hurried out of the pool, wrapping my town around me and rushing to my apartment.
I wondered if she was going to come to see me. If she did, would she apologize? Would she ream me out for leaving? She’d have some nerve.
Twenty minutes later, there’d still been no knock on my door and I realized she wasn’t coming. No apology. No checking in. No taking me to task for leaving. It became clear that I really didn’t mean anything to her. It didn’t seem possible that my heart could splinter anymore. Still, at that realization, it felt like it fractured into another million bits.
The next day, I was back on shift, and thank fuck for that. At home by myself, all there was to do was wallow in self-pity. At least at work, I’d have a distraction from the pain and feeling like a fool for falling for Allie.
I never wished bad things on people, but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t want a shift full of calls, especially when my colleagues asked about my trip.
We had a couple of fender benders that took up some time. We had a fallen hiker, which, of course, made me think of Allie. This one broke an ankle on the same section of rocks where Allie had fallen. In the late afternoon, we had a boating accident where, fortunately, everyone involved survived. However, one person had to be revived after nearly drowning, and two others were in the hospital for boat crash-related injuries.
The only other call we had was in the middle of the night when a group of college kids up for a week vacation failed to fully put out the fire in the fire pit at the cabin they were renting. Fortunately, the fire didn’t get out of hand and turn into a full-fledged forest fire. Unfortunately, a significant portion of the cabin was burnt to a crisp.
After my twenty-four-hour shift, I staggered home and into bed. The shift wasn’t any more exhausting than any other, and yet I felt like my fuel tanks were completely empty. Who knew heartache could totally deplete a person mentally, emotionally, and physically?
When I woke, I went through my typical day as I’d always done pre-Allie. I ate. I answered Wyatt’s texts involving crass jokes or asking about having a beer later. I paid my bills and scrubbed my toilet. I went for a run and then a soak in the hot tub to soothe my muscles. The only thing different was I skipped yoga class.
Based on what Mason said about why yoga was good, it seemed like now was the optimal time to do it, but there was no way I could see Allie. I’d have to find another way to manage my stress. Maybe Mason had a yoga class on his fitness channel or in his DVD collection.
As I went through the motions of my day, I wondered how long it would be before I felt normal again. Pre-Allie, my regular days filled me with contentment. I enjoyed my life a great deal. Now, I just felt empty and numb.
No Regrets
Allie
There was a part of me that didn’t want to return to Eden Lake. Part of my reasoning was that my experiment to live my own life and be my own person wasn’t going very well. But mostly, I couldn’t face Josh.
The alternative was to stay in my parents’ world, and I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t abandon my business, instructors, and clients either. So, on Monday, as planned, but without my fake fiancé, I drove back to Eden Lake.
When I arrived, I caught sight of Josh leaving the pool heading up to his place. I watched him, my heart longing to rush to him and make things right. But I knew that was impossible. Even if he forgave me, we would have had the same issues that would have prevented us from being a couple before; my parents wouldn’t approve. Or at least my mother wouldn’t. It was possible my father would come around. In the end, though, I didn’t want to put Josh through that. And, of course, it’s not like we’d end up real engaged. Eventually, he’d get bored and move on with one of the vacationing beauties here in Eden Lake.
I carried my bag up to my condo, reconsidering my don’t-talk-to-Josh stance when I saw his condo door. Ignoring my longing again, I went into my place and, for a moment, just sagged onto the couch. I played a tug-of-war in my brain about going to see him. One minute I was getting up and heading to his place, and then next, I was changing my mind. I wanted to apologize, at least, but I couldn’t face him. Not yet.
I unpacked, finding his grandmother’s engagement ring. See, there was a reason for me to go to him. But as I started once again to his place, I stopped myself. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see the hurt and disappointment on his face. Not yet.
Instead, I hid in my condo. It felt lonely, and I considered getting a cat. That would be my lot in life since I wasn’t going to marry any of the douchebags my mother thrust at me and I couldn’t have Josh, I’d be a lonely cat lady. God, I was so pathetic.
Somehow, I made it through the first night, and the next day I was at my studio early. My other instructors did an excellent job of managing things while I was gone. That was one thing I did well; hire competent staff. So, I’d have two good things in life; my business and a cat.
For the remainder of the week, my own classes went well. I was glad to have the distraction of focusing on others. Josh didn’t come to any of my classes, which didn’t surprise me. Wyatt didn’t either, which did sort of surprise me. Then again, he and Josh were close, and perhaps it was a show of support. I wouldn’t be surprised if Wyatt drove all the way to the coast to pick Josh up when he walked out of my parents’ house.
I wanted to ask Mason how Josh was doing, but he wasn’t a gossip sort of guy, and I didn’t want to tip my hand at how awful my family and I had been to him. So, I simply forged forward, focusing on my classes and looking at adoptable cats online.
At the end of the week, as I was looking through my yoga magazine, I realized that now would be a good time to work on my business idea that I wanted to pitch to Mason. My goal was to host a week-long wellness retreat in Eden Lake. My ideas were fairly ambitious, so I’d need time to plan and organize, as well as support from a former celebrity trainer with deep pockets. Before I could present the retreat to him, I needed to flesh out my idea and do preliminary research on logistics such as lodging and feeding our retreat guests.
Feeling the need to get out of my condo, I packed my planner and notebook into a bag and headed down to Paradise Java.
“Hi, Allie. Your usual?” Emma, the always smiling barista asked. Like me, she was a transplant to Eden Lake.
“That would be great, Em, thank you.”
“One coconut milk latte coming up.” She put coffee in the espresso machine and turned on the steamer to heat the milk. “Rumor h
as you went away with hottie Josh Dalton for a few days.”
I managed a smile even though hearing his name made me cry inside. “We’re just friends.” God, I doubted we were that anymore. “He was doing me a favor.”
She nodded. “Josh is such a sweetie.”
I couldn’t stop the envy that came with wondering if Emma was one of Josh’s conquests.
“Yes, he is.” I took my coffee and went to a corner of the shop to work on my project.
I’d had most of the retreat week plotted out and a list of resources I needed to research when Mason walked in. He ordered a coffee and was heading back out when he noticed me and came to the table.
“Glad I ran into you, Allie. I wanted to arrange to talk to you sometime about the possibility of doing a yoga class as part of our No-Repeat Fitness week. It's where we provide a different workout each day to show people they don’t have to get into a rut.” He motioned to the empty chair at my table, and I nodded to invite him to sit.
“I’m so honored, Mason.”
He cocked his head to the side as he looked at me across the table. “You sure? Your face doesn’t match your words.”
I looked down, feeling like I was going to cry. What an embarrassment that would be. “Just a lot going on.”
“Does it have to do with Josh and his sudden disappearance from yoga class after your trip together?”
I bit my lip and sniffed.
“It’s none of my business. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s okay. I guess he didn’t tell you about the trip?”
“No. But he looks about as bad as you do. Did you have a falling out?”
It was weird to talk about this with Mason, and yet, I felt I needed to confide in someone who could be more supportive than my family. Yes, Victoria supported me, but I got the feeling her goal was just to stick it to my mother.
“My parents are a bit elitist.”
“I know the type,” he said.
“I guess a lot of their type have vacation homes here. Anyway, it was stupid. I asked him to play a part, so they’d think he was in their same social class.” All of a sudden, I regretted sharing. After all, I wanted Mason to help me in a business venture. I didn’t want him to know I was crazy enough to ask a neighbor to play my fake fiancé.
“And they found out he wasn’t?”
I nodded, taking a sip of my coffee as I worked to figure out how to end this conversation before he determined that my decision-making skills were suspect.
“They’ve come between you and Josh?”
“We’re just friends, but yes.”
He arched his brow like he didn’t believe me. “You two look pretty wrung out over this to be just friends.”
I felt the heat of a blush come to my cheeks. I looked down, not wanting him to see the truth.
“Sorry. Again, not my business.” He took a sip of his coffee. “But if you want my two cents, I’d tell you to not let elitist attitudes from your parents get in the way of love, or your life for that matter.”
I managed an appreciative smile. “It’s not as easy as all that.”
He nodded. His eyes had a far-off wistful look that had me wondering if his advice was coming from somewhere personal.
Finally, he looked at me. “I’m no relationship counselor, but I do know regret is a bitch.”
“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.”
He let out a breath. “Yeah. Trying to live within the confines of your parents’ expectations is limiting, especially to your soul.
“Yes.” I leaned forward, glad that someone understood what it felt like trying to fit in with my family.
“If you’ve found love, whether it’s a career or passion, or a man that doesn’t fit the parents’ expectations, you have to go for it, Allie. This, I know.”
“What if it doesn’t work out?”
“At least you’ll know. Not doing anything will leave you wondering if maybe you could have done something. Maybe things could have worked out. And then you’ll have the regret of not trying. Trust me, regret is difficult to live with.”
“Worse than rejection?”
He shrugged. “I can’t say for sure, but I can say, I wish I’d gone after what I wanted. In my case, yes, I think I’d rather live with rejection knowing that was her answer than all this wondering if I’d done something different, would things have turned out.”
I wiped a tear that ran down my cheek. “Thank you, Mason.”
He smiled. “Of course.” He looked at my notebooks. “What are you working on?”
“I want to plan a wellness retreat.”
His brows drew up in interest. “Do you need a partner?”
I smiled. “Yes, but I’m not ready to pitch you yet.”
“Keep me posted. In the meantime, can we get together soon about that yoga class? We can film in your studio.”
“Yes, of course. Thank you so much, Mason. For everything.”
He stood. “No regrets, Allie.” He strode off, and I wondered who the woman was that he’d not fought for that now he wished he had.
“No, regrets,” I repeated. Mason was right. I’d said I’d come to Eden Lake to take control of my life. It was time I did just that.
Packing my notebooks up, I headed home. I grabbed Josh’s grandmother’s engagement ring and went to his condo. My hands shook as I knocked on his door, having no clue what to say. There was no answer.
I went down to the parking lot and noticed that his SUV was gone. Maybe he was working. I shouldn’t bother him there, and yet, I had the nerves to confront him now. If I waited, I might chicken out.
I got into my car and drove to the fire station, wondering what I’d do if he wasn’t there. But I saw his SUV parked in the lot. I parked my car and sat for a moment, trying to figure out what to say.
I exited my car and walked up to the station. There were several people in dark slacks and t-shirts with Eden Lake’s fire station emblem in the main bay.
“Well, hello,” one of the firemen approached me. His tone suggested I was about to be hit on. “Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for Josh.”
He rolled his eyes. “Honey, he’s moved on. Why don’t you graduate up to a real man?”
“Do you know one?”
A woman firefighter putting something in the truck snorted. “Good one.” Then she looked over her shoulder. “Hey Josh, you’ve got company.”
Josh appeared from behind the truck. I realized I’d never seen him in his fireman uniform. He had a dark shirt that matched his slacks hanging open over his t-shirt. He looked so handsome and strong and brave, and I felt like a horrible person for letting my parents demean him.
He stopped short when he saw me.
I gave a small smile and a wave.
He put his hands on his hips and looked away for a moment.
“You’ve got a pretty woman here, Josh,” the first fireman said. “If you’re done with her—”
“Shut the fuck up, Clayborn,” Josh snapped.
Clayborn held out his hands in surrender and backed away. “She’s all yours.”
I could see Josh was reluctant to talk to me, which stoked my nervousness up even more. But he walked to me.
“I’m working, Allie.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just…” God, what should I say? Remembering the ring, I took it out of my purse. “I wanted to give this back to you.”
He took the ring and put it in his pocket. “Is that all?”
My heart was overwhelmed with guilt and grief. “I wanted to apologize for my parents.”
“I don’t give a shit about your parents.” He stepped closer to me, leaning in close enough that I could take in his manly scent. “I care that you still think I’m a player.” He laughed derisively. “What a change of roles, huh? You accused me of loving and leaving women, but when you climbed in my bed, all you wanted was a good fuck, didn’t you?”
I jerked back, surprised by the v
enom in his voice. “No.”
“Was it extra exciting knowing you were letting a low-class country kid touch you? Knowing it would make your parents nuts?”
“It wasn’t like that, Josh.”
“I don’t mean anything to you. How could it be anything but that?”
I wiped a tear. “You do mean something to me. I just…I wanted to make my parents stop investigating you.”
“Why? What do you think they’d find beyond the fact that my parents aren’t Rockefellers?”
I didn’t have a response.
“I’ve told you before, this is me. I’ve never lied. I have no secrets. And yet, you don’t trust me. You still see me through that lens of elitism.”
I had that same feeling of powerlessness that paralyzed me the day he overheard me say that he didn’t mean anything to me, to my parents.
“Thanks for returning the ring.” He started to turn away.
This was it, I realized. If I couldn’t fix this here and now, I wouldn’t have another chance. If I let my fear and sense of dread stop me, I’d have that regret Mason talked about.
“I love you,” I blurted out.
He stilled. The other people in the station, who had been eavesdropping, stopped and watched.
Josh turned. “You don’t know love.”
“That’s not true. I know you’re a good and decent person who is devoted to his family and job, and that I love you.”
“So, all that ‘he means nothing to me’ was simply to appease your parents?”
“Yes.” Finally, he understood.
“So, you love me when it’s convenient but not enough to stand up to your folks? How do you see this playing out, Allie? Are you going to hide me away when your parents want to see you? Ask some other dumbass to pretend to be something he’s not to hide your real life from them?”
“No.” I wasn’t sure how that would work except to tell my parents they had to accept Josh or else. What that “else” would be, I wasn’t sure.