by A R Davis
Valerie was so very close to him, he could almost feel her hip against his. Her knee brushed his. Her hand gripped his shoulder as though she feared letting go, feared letting the dance be over because neither of them knew what came next. She rested her head against his chest and her hand slid up to his neck, lightly parting his fur with her fingertips, dangerously close to his pulse. A shudder crept up Damien’s back. His body suddenly felt heavy and he was having trouble moving his feet. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in to erase what little distance was left between them. He resisted the urge to let his hands roam up her back, to tangle his fingers in her hair. He rested his chin on her shoulder; her ear was only an inch away from his mouth. If he wanted to, he could tell her. He could confess. He only needed to whisper, and he could release this tightening in his chest.
Or he could kiss her neck. Or he could bite her, softly—nibble at the edge for just a moment.
“Valerie.” His voice came out in a hoarse whisper.
She gasped and pulled away slightly. Her eyes were locked on his.
Damien forgot what he was going to say or if he was going to say anything at all. Hesitantly, he reached up and placed his hand on her cheek. He wanted to ask her if she minded, but his words were lost.
It felt inevitable that they would kiss.
Damien was afraid of what it would feel like when their lips touched and what would come after when they parted. Her cheek warmed under his hand and he imagined her body warming under his.
He tilted her chin up. Just once, he thought. Just once.
The front door burst open and Valerie and Damien parted as though they had been caught doing something wrong. Dante strolled leisurely into the entrance room, wearing a sardonic smile, but his eyes were red-rimmed as though he had been crying.
“Sorry, was I interrupting something?” he asked.
“What do you want?” Damien snapped.
Dante flinched as though Damien had struck him. He placed his hand over his chest. “You wound me, brother. You’re gone for days without telling me anything, and this is how you treat me?”
Damien tried to guide Valerie up the stairs. “Valerie, go–”
Dante intercepted them. “Why should she go? If she’s such a large part of your life now, then surely, she can be a part of this. Are you worried she’ll hear something you don’t want her to?”
Damien quickly moved Valerie behind him. “Dante, back off,” he snarled.
“Why? I’m not doing anything wrong. I only want the three of us to have a chat. I want us to be honest with each other. Because how can we get along if our relationship is tainted with lies?”
“Stop it!” Valerie interjected, stepping around Damien so she could glare at Dante. “That’s enough. Why are you being like this?”
Dante laughed. He laughed so hard that tears streamed down his eyes. “Oh, you poor, poor, deluded girl. There’s so much you don’t know.”
“Dante –” Damien began.
His maybe-brother shoved him back. He spoke loudly over Damien’s protests. “Do you know who the Lord of Leola is?”
Valerie stared blankly at him. “Yes. I’m from Leola.”
Dante laughed. “You’ll love this, then. Did you know that Lord Aubrey –”
“Dante, don’t –”
“—has been hunting my brother for months?”
It felt like the whole room was collecting its breath after that revelation. Valerie’s wide eyes met Damien’s and she shook her head vehemently. Damien quickly tried to gather up the words as though they were broken pieces on the floor, but they kept tumbling away from him.
“No,” Valerie said at last. “No, that can’t be true. Why would Lord Aubrey…?” She faltered. Her bottom lip trembled. Damien knew she was waiting for him to say something, but he didn’t know how to undo this—not with words.
“That’s something only my dear brother can answer.” Dante said and looked at Damien.
He had to say something. All that came out where scattered fragments. “I don’t – I didn’t…”
“You’re lying,” Valerie said to Dante. She was no longer looking at Damien.
“Am I? Have you ever wondered why Lord Aubrey wears that golden mask? Have you pondered where my brother goes at night or how he received that gunshot wound? And have you not asked yourself where those pretty little boots came from?”
Valerie shoved him away. “He bought them for me! He has money –”
“Where did the money come from?”
“Damien, tell him, please!”
“Yes, Damien, please, do tell. Tell us both. I want to hear it.”
Damien couldn’t look at either of them. He felt so trapped inside of himself, and he was fighting desperately to stay that way. He did not know how so few words could do so much damage. “I didn’t…” was all he could say. The room was getting too hot. There are too many of us in here, he thought.
Valerie and Dante called to him, demanded him to say it.
Tell the truth.
Damien knocked Dante to the ground and wrapped his hands around his throat. He squeezed as hard as he could until Dante could no longer breathe. He felt Dante’s pulse beat against his palms. Dante wrapped his hands around Damien’s wrists, but it was no use. Damien could see and hear nothing. He only felt the weight of his anger as it slowly crushed them both.
“I did it for you!” Damien did not know if he was screaming the words or whispering them. They echoed in his ears as though he was slowly descending into a pit. “I did it to protect us! I did it so you would not be alone and you left me anyway. You left me here! You left me, and you made me like this! You made me like this!”
Something was pulling at his elbow. A voice was ringing in his ear. “Damien, stop! Stop it, you’re killing him!”
Dante was dying and it was OK. I will free him of his burden and he will burden me no more. I won’t have to worry about where he is or what he’s doing or if he will ever come back.
The voice was still calling to him, clawing at his ear. It begged him and begged him.
“Damien, please stop! Sto –”
One of his claws snagged her cheek when he struck her. Valerie fell back against the floor, her hand flying up to her cheek. A throbbing pain spread across her face. She felt the blood, hot and sticky on her fingertips.
Damien immediately released Dante, staring in horror at what he had done. Dante coughed and sputtered on the ground. Damien attempted to reach out to Valerie, but she retracted back as far as she could.
“Don’t touch me,” she said. Her voice wavered. “Don’t touch me.” She looked at the blood on her fingers. That’s my blood. That’s my blood, and he did this…he did this to me. Somehow, she got to her feet. She towered over Damien but she did not feel at all powerful.
“I need to – I need to c-clean this.”
Moving was better than standing still. She would walk to the end of the earth if she could. Once she was in the kitchen, it was better. It was quiet. She plucked a cleaning rag from the counter and pressed it to her face. It was a small cut, but it hurt. It burned. She put her free hand into her mouth and bit into the knuckles so she could distract herself from the pain. Was it really only minutes ago that he held this same cheek tenderly with the same hand that struck her? That no longer felt real.
She could hear noise coming from the other room and it made her spine go rigid. “Get out!” Damien shouted. It felt as though his voice could shake the house down. That would be welcome, she thought.
She heard a scuffle, and then the front door slammed shut. Soon, everything grew quiet again. Behind her, the kitchen door opened with a slow moan.
“Valerie,” Damien said softly.
She winced as though he had hit her again. “Don’t say my name like that…like nothing happened.” She was trembling violently as though she was surrounded by ice.
“Valerie, I didn’t mean to –”
“Please,” she begged, and she slowly tur
ned around so he could see what he’d done and so she could understand why. “Please tell me it’s not true because I know, I know that you would never hurt anyone. Please tell me this was just an accident and it won’t happen again and everything will be fine.” She dissolved into tears.
He reached for her again and she pulled away. This time, she looked at him, right into his eyes. I trust this face more than anyone else, she thought. If he tells me it’s not true, if he tells me it’s not….
“I had to,” he said.
It was difficult to breathe. It felt like she was comfortably flying and suddenly her wings were clipped and the ground was rushing up to meet her. When she finally fell, she would break into a thousand pieces.
“I couldn’t let anyone find this place and I couldn’t let anyone hurt you. I did it to protect us.”
“But you – you killed people. You killed them.” All those times he had left her alone…Sometimes I have to be unpleasant…And Lord Aubrey. That’s why he wanted to leave. He knew. He knew and he lied to me.
And I let him.
“I did. I had to.”
“Stop saying that! Stop trying to make it sound like it was not your fault!”
Valerie covered her mouth because she was going to scream, and she didn’t think she was ever going to stop. Suddenly she felt disgusting, like there were worms crawling all over her skin. Did you have to do this, too? she thought as she smeared the blood on her face.
“I had to protect you from those people,” Damien said louder, pointing out of the window as though those people were out there now, staring at them. “You have no idea what they are capable of, what they could do to you if they found you with me. I couldn’t let that happen, Valerie. And I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t know – I didn’t know what I was…doing.”
Valerie stopped him. She couldn’t bear to hear anymore.
“Why? Why did you feel you had to…to do those things for me? What was so special about me that you let me live and killed everyone else?”
Damien stared sadly at the ground. He folded his arms as though he was attempting to protect himself. “I knew who you were.”
“What? What do you mean?”
He closed his eyes. “We met before. I found you in the forest. You were trapped in the net and I cut you out.”
“I…” Her stomach bubbled dangerously. “If you hadn’t saved me…If you didn’t know who I was…What would you have done?”
Damien hesitated.
“Would you have let me live?”
“I – I don’t know.” He paused for a second too long. “But that’s not what happened.”
Valerie was too numb to feel any sort of shock. She let her arms hang at her sides, let the blood and tears stain her cheeks. She was so tired.
“Valerie, you have to listen to me. I did all of those things, yes. I killed people and stole from them because I felt I had to. But I’m not – I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to hurt people, and I don’t want to hurt you. I –”
Valerie shook her head. “You can’t just say those things as if it will erase what you’ve done. You expect me to – to believe you and keep pretending that you’re not a monster? You expect me to…” And in that moment, she realized what she had to do—what she needed to do. “You expect me to stay?”
Damien stared at her uncomprehendingly, trying to process what she was saying. “You can’t leave,” he said. “Please, don’t go.”
“I can’t stay here.” She should have said this a long time ago. Before all of this.
“Valerie –”
She walked out, through the kitchen door. Though she could hear Damien coming up behind her, she kept moving towards the exit. Dante was already long gone. I should have listened to you, she thought.
Damien grabbed her wrist and pulled her back.
“Let me go!” she shrieked and fought against him. She released the scream that had been building in her lungs. The sound scraped against her ribs.
Damien covered her mouth and pressed her back against the door. She used her fists to feebly pound against his arms, still screaming into his hand. He caught her wrists and held them above her head and made her look into his eyes.
“Valerie, listen to me, please. You don’t have to leave. You just – just tell me what I need to do. Tell me how to make this right and I’ll do it. We could go somewhere else; we could go across the sea, and I swear I’ll never hurt anybody again. We could live together and be like how we were and it will all be fine. All you need to do is to tell me what to do.”
He released her. Valerie had already stopped struggling and screaming. Her eyes searched his face, trying to find the piece of him that she was so fond of.
But all she saw was the face of a monster.
“Nothing,” she whispered.
Part III: The City on the Sea
Chapter 27
Valerie awoke in an unfamiliar room, in a bed that was too large for her. She could feel the empty space behind her. When she reached behind her, there was no hand to hold—no arm to drape around her waist. A thousand needles felt like they were puncturing her lungs. She drew her knees up to shield herself. She tried to force herself to go back to sleep, but then she saw his face emerging from her mind as if floating up from the water. She tried to push him back down, to drown him, but he kept swimming back to the surface.
With his image came the horrible feeling of longing. Many times, as she wandered the forest, she thought about going back. To remind herself that she could not return, she reached up to feel the cut on her cheek, tracing the small scab that formed on the skin. Even if I could completely forget him, she thought, I will always have this.
Why did you have to do it?
It was what she should have asked him when she had the chance. Even when given the opportunity, she never asked as many questions as she should. Now she would never know.
Someone knocked on the door. Valerie did not feel ready to get out of bed. She didn’t know if she could face whatever battle she had to fight next. It felt as though whatever strength she once had, she left on the floor of his house. But slowly, somehow, she managed to plant her feet on the floor and stand. She counted her steps as she crossed the room to answer the door.
The Captain was standing there. Last night, he had told Lord Aubrey that she needed to rest instead of being interrogated immediately. Valerie knew she should have been grateful, but the sight of him made her sick. She knew what he was here for and knew what he would say before he said it.
“Good morning,” he said.
Valerie said nothing. She had no time for niceties.
“I apologize if I’ve disturbed you, but Lord Aubrey would like you to join him for breakfast in his office. He’s had his servants arrange a bath for you, if you would like.” When Valerie still failed to speak, he continued on as though she had. “My name is Captain Jonasson, and if there is ever anything you need, you are more than welcome to ask me.”
He held out his hand.
Valerie ignored it. “Thank you,” she muttered.
Captain Jonasson returned his hand back to his side. “You don’t have to keep wearing those clothes. I’m sure Lord Aubrey has something to spare.”
“Oh.” Valerie looked down at herself. She was still wearing her overlarge slacks and tunic; both were stained with black and brown smudges. “That would be nice.”
“I’ll have the ladies wash them –”
“No. I don’t want them.”
“Are you sure?”
Valerie nodded. “They don’t belong to me.”
After she bathed and dressed, Valerie went to join Lord Aubrey in his office. His desk was cleared of papers and inkpots. Instead, there were two plates set across from each other filled with a simple meal of boiled eggs, bacon, and biscuits. Lord Aubrey smiled when she stepped into the room.
“Good morning,” Lord Aubrey said. “Please, have a seat.”
Do I have any other choice? Valerie t
hought. She sat without speaking; it was perhaps safer that way. Immediately, she stuffed her mouth with a boiled egg and chewed as slowly as possible.
“Has everything been to your liking?” Lord Aubrey asked.
She could feel his eyes on her, assessing her as she ate. Even in this dress, do I look like a savage to you, my Lord? Valerie nodded in answer to his question.
“Is there anything else I can get you?”
Valerie shook her head. She supposed he was waiting for her to thank him. For what? For offering food and shelter and sweet words in exchange for what he wanted? Maybe she would offer thanks once she discovered how long she was to be kept here. She wasn’t too keen on the idea of asking questions, however, knowing that it would invite him to ask his own. Talking about what had happened was the last thing she wanted to do at the moment.
“I wasn’t sure what you liked,” Lord Aubrey continued, motioning to the meal, “so I had the servants make something simple.”
He wants to ask me now, Valerie thought, but he’s waiting to see how I will react. For a Lord, he certainly didn’t know much about being tactful. “It’s fine,” Valerie said. She dunked a piece of biscuit in some honey, careful not to meet his eyes.
“How did you get that cut on your face?” he asked.
Valerie was no longer hungry. She felt the flash of heat on her left cheek. “I’m tired, my Lord, I think I would like to return to –”
Lord Aubrey quickly reached for her hand. It felt like it was hard for him to hold it as gently as he did. “Wait. Please. I did not mean to reopen old wounds. I was merely curious.”
Wonderful. Another man who did not mean to do anything. “This one is not so old, my Lord.”
“I see. So he did that to you.”