A Kiss For You

by Rachel Van Dyken

  I had things to live for. People to live for.

  My girls. Bear. Grace.

  My family.

  “King of the Causeway,” Eli sang, reading it off of a street sign on the wall Preppy had made for me when we’d first moved in. “They worship you here.” It was a statement, not a question. He blew out a long sigh. “It’s too bad, you know. We could have done some business together, you and I.”

  He sounded just like Isaac before the shit went down with Preppy. “But now? Now that you killed Isaac without so much as a thought of the repercussions…well, I don’t do business with stupid men, King.” He stressed my name as if it were a ridiculous thing to say.

  I cracked my knuckles and hissed through my teeth. “You best be careful about who you call stupid, motherfucker,” I spat. “Isaac came at me and my people after I’d already offered to cut him in on our business. If you want to call someone stupid, it should be him,” I chuckled. “Oh wait, you can’t…’cause I made the fucker’s head explode.” Maybe I was the stupid one after all, because I knew that taunting Eli wasn’t the brightest thing to do, but I needed to let that motherfucker know that he wasn’t dealing with someone who was just going to roll over and die.

  That wasn’t a fucking option. So while Eli spoke, I formed a plan.

  “That wasn’t your fucking call to make!” Eli said, his pale face turning red. He took off his dark sunglasses. His right eye was missing, nothing but a gaping hole in its place. “I decide who lives and dies in this state. Not you! Not anyone! Me! That is my call!”

  I spotted my other gun, the one I had threatened Bear with earlier on the ground only a few feet away. “Isaac made it my call when he aimed his fucking guns at me and my boys and raped…” I was about to say my woman, but quickly corrected, “…some biker bitch who didn’t like what he was offering.”

  “I don’t care if he raped your fucking cunt mother!” Eli seethed. “And what you did was stupid, because it’s going to cost you…your life.” He nodded to his boys who began to descend upon me. Leaning back against the wall, I found what I was looking for and clicked the switch with my shoulder.

  The old garage door on the side of the room, the one Bear had covered with a huge Beach Bastards flag screamed to life, shrieking and scraping, dragging metal against rusted metal as it struggled to open for the first time in years, sending the furniture and a glass cabinet, which had been leaning up against it, tumbling over. Glass crashed. Wood snapped.

  It was just the distraction I needed.

  Just enough time for me to grab the gun off the floor and dart toward Bear. I pulled and pulled but he was stuck under the concrete. A bullet grazed my shoulder, leaving a burnt trail of flesh across my skin. I dove through the hole in the wall, managing to get off a few shots of my own in the process. Sending at least two more of Eli’s men to hell in the process. Bullets chipped away at the concrete all around me. I slid down the side of the garage and made my way into the thick brush that lined the yard. I hid between a patch of cypress knee roots.

  “Find him or you all die!” Eli screamed, still inside the garage, his hands on the wall over the hole. Heavy footsteps jogged passed me in both directions. Some going the way of the road, others the way of the path.

  I wasn’t going either of those ways. As soon as the footsteps passed, I ran through the brush, expertly avoiding collision as I skillfully navigated the woods I’d been familiar with most of my life. Even when Preppy and I hadn’t lived in the stilt home, we’d camped in the woods surrounding it.

  I ducked under the mangroves and eased my way into the water. I held my breath, sinking down as deep as I could before pushing off the bank and swimming across the small lake to the other side. I emerged, only up to my nose, before lifting myself onto the shore.

  I looked across the lake, watching the men run back and forth to Eli. Most likely delivering the news that they couldn’t find me. He shook his fists in the air and let out a frustrated roar. Two of the men ran back into the garage and emerged a few minutes later. One was walking backward while the other was hobbling forward behind him. They were struggling to carry something as they made their way to the fire pit in the center of the yard.

  Eli followed behind him, seeming calmer than just moments before. He pulled out a cigar and lit it with a match. The smoke shrouded his face in white. He tossed the match into the fire pit and after stoking the embers with a long stick, it came roaring to life and I was able to see what they’d been carrying.

  Bear.

  He was laid out on the ledge of the brick pit, his one hand dangling just above the red embers.

  Eli looked out across the lake, and even though I knew he couldn’t see me, he somehow knew I was watching him because he tipped his hat and smiled.

  It was a challenge.

  I was the rabbit he wanted to scare out of the hole.

  Bear was the smoke bomb he was going to use to do it.

  His plan just might work too, because there was no fucking way I wasn’t going to go back to save Bear.

  At the very least, I was going to die trying.

  Doe

  I felt like I was walking around wearing Kevlar to protect myself from the parents who genuinely didn’t give a shit about me, and from the questions that sat on my brain unanswered like a fucking aneurysm about to burst, and from Tanner. Who, when looking back, I felt shitty about how we left things. I truly felt like he could be a good friend. But instead of being sympathetic to what he was feeling, I threw it in his face and yelled at him.

  I was alone.

  Utterly fucking alone, and for some reason, that made me spitting fucking mad. I was either a raging bitch or so numb to everything I was practically a mute.

  And I’d pushed Tanner away.

  Which in turn meant I’d pushed Sammy away.

  And that was the opposite of what I wanted.

  I’d been just about to go see Tanner, but going to him and forcing him to talk to me before he was ready might be like kicking him while he was down. So I decided to wait for him to come talk to me when he was ready.

  If he was ever ready.

  At least with the arrival of the specialist I had a temporary distraction to occupy some of my time.

  The specialist had showed up and grilled me for an hour. Dr. Royster, a man old enough to be my grandfather’s grandfather, didn’t ask me anything about how I was feeling. He’d cut right to the chase and asked me what I remembered. I told him about Nikki. “No two brain injuries are alike.” Dr. Royster had said. “Especially those that affect memory.” In the end, he told me that I should seek help from someone who knew me. Someone I’d spent the most time with who could walk me through my life and hopefully evoke some sort of mental exorcism.

  After the specialist left I found Nadine in the kitchen. “How did it go?” she asked, spraying cleaner onto the countertops and wiping it off with a rag.

  “Basically, if he were giving me my chances to live, I’ve got a 50/50 shot,” I said, taking a seat on one of the barstools. The cleaner smelled like a nauseating combination of vinegar and bleach. “He also wants me to have someone walk me through my life. Places I went, things I liked.” I leaned forward and bit my bottom lip, “What do you say?”

  Nadine smiled. “Baby girl, I’d love to help you, but I don’t think walking you through how I make breakfast and watching me fold laundry is really what he had in mind. If you want to talk to the person who knew you best, you would need to talk to…” She paused and folded the rag, placing it over the faucet of the sink, setting her hands flat on the counter. She looked out the window like she was reflecting on something.

  “Nikki?” I offered.

  “Who told you about her?” Nadine asked, refocusing on me.

  I shrugged. “I think my mother mentioned something about her being my best friend and a bad influence.”

  “She was much more than that,” Nadine said. “She was like a sister to you. The two of you did everything together.”
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br />   “Including run away?” I asked. “Right?”

  Nadine looked away thoughtfully and turned back to me. “Gone after her? Maybe. But never run away. You wouldn’t leave Samuel and Tanner. You wouldn’t leave me. That I know.” She tapped me on the tip of the nose. “Tanner, he’s the guy you want to talk to. Besides Nikki, you two were tighter than the lid on a jar of pickles.”

  “I might have messed that up. He came to talk to me and he got mad. Instead of being understanding, I kind of yelled at him.” Nadine shook her head and offered a small smile.

  “Girl, there ain’t nothing that boy wouldn’t forgive you for. Go find him. I’m sure he’ll help.” Nadine shooed me off the barstool. “Now get girl, I gotta mop these floors. Whoever decided that dark wood was a good look was the devil himself ’cause I’m having a hell of a time trying to keep them clean.”

  Tanner only lived a block or two over. Nadine pointed me in the right direction. But just like I knew where the boathouse was, my feet knew the way to Tanner’s.

  A large woman with chubby cheeks and bright red lipstick answered the door and informed me that I’d just missed Tanner.

  Feeling defeated, I made my way back to the house, but I wasn’t ready to go back inside. I made my way out back to the abandoned houseboat. I carried my shoes as my feet sunk into the soft sand. I’d just rounded the mangroves when I spotted Tanner, sitting on the edge of the pier with his feet hanging off the edge of the dock. He was wearing a plain white T-shirt and blue basketball shorts. He appeared to be lost in concentration, focusing on his flip-flops that dangled off of his toes.

  “Hey,” I said as I approached him. “Where’s Sammy?”

  He looked up and shielded his eyes from the sun. “Hey. He’s with my parents at the club. Grandparent/grandkid square dance.” He laughed, but it fell flat, his smile never reaching his eyes.

  “This seat taken?” I asked.

  “All yours,” Tanner said softly, scooting to the side to make room for me.

  I sat down next to him and looked off over the water, unsure of what to say, nervously fidgeting with my hands in my lap. Thankfully, Tanner spoke first. “This was kind of our place, you know. We spent hours here fishing off the back of the boat or watching the storms roll through. When your dad told you it was a safety hazard and wanted to have it hauled away, you cried for a week.”

  “He doesn’t seem like the kind of person who wouldn’t do something just because it upset me.”

  “Oh, he’s not.” Tanner agreed.

  “Then why is it still here?”

  Tanner smiled. “The senator doesn’t see emotion, he sees reason, and more than that, he sees legalities.” He laughed and his bright brown eyes lit up. “I wish you could remember the look on his face when you handed him the survey you printed out online. When you pointed out that the houseboat wasn’t on his property, so technically wasn’t his to remove, I thought he was going to pass out. Then when you informed him that you’d filed documents to declare it a historical landmark…I think it was the only time I’d ever seen him actually laugh. He looked almost…proud.”

  “So the houseboat stayed,” I said.

  “Yeah, he had the walls reinforced with steel piping so it wouldn’t fall down around us, but it stayed.” He turned to face me, lifting his foot up onto the dock, resting his chin on his knee. “Because of you.”

  “Then I guess he can’t be all bad.”

  Although I’d yet to see it.

  “Listen,” I started. “I wanted to say that I’m—”

  “No, Ray. I’m the one who’s sorry. I yelled at you.” Tanner shook his head. “I’ve never yelled at you before. I was so mad at myself when I left your house. I should have been sympathetic. You needed a friend and instead I unloaded all my bullshit on you.”

  “No, I’m sorry. This has to be difficult on you. My attitude and being so defensive hasn’t been helping any.”

  “Well, then I guess it’s settled,” Tanner said. “We’re both sorry.”

  “That we are,” I admitted.

  “So where should we go first?” Tanner asked, standing up from the dock and reaching out a hand.

  “Huh?”

  “I came to see you and ran into Nadine, she said you need a memory exorcist.” He pointed at himself with his thumbs. “I’m your guy.”

  “You don’t have to do this.” I took his hand and he helped me up. Now it was my turn to shield my eyes from the sun as I looked up at him.

  “I know exactly where we should go first,” he said. When I started to pull away he looked down at where his hand still held mine. “Sorry,” he said, letting go. “I can’t promise things like that won’t keep happening. It really is just a habit. But I promise I’ll be more understanding when you pull away.”

  “Maybe this isn’t—” I started.

  “Dress comfortably. Meet you out front in twenty minutes!” Tanner said, turning and jogging back down the dock. I didn’t feel threatened by Tanner’s affections. In fact, a part of me liked it when he grabbed my hand. Not because I liked him that way, but because it felt nice to know that while I was gone and worried that no one had missed me, that I didn’t have anyone who cared, that Tanner was here all along, missing me.

  With our son.

  Doe

  Everything in Ray’s closet, my closet, was light in color. Beyond the slitted bi-fold doors was a sea of white, yellow, and pink. Mostly sundresses, Jackie-O looking skirt-suits, and blouses that button up to the neck. It wasn’t that anything was ugly. On the contrary, it was really beautiful. A little conservative, but beautiful. But I wished for the clothes I’d left back at King’s. Black tank tops, snug fit jeans, and flip-flops.

  All were chosen and bought for me, courtesy of Preppy.

  Which was another reason I probably loved them so much.

  I ran my hands over the different fabrics in the closet and wondered how in the span of a few months, my taste could change so drastically. Or maybe I always liked my comfy clothes, but just hadn’t been able to speak my mind.

  Maybe when I lost my memory, I grew a pair of balls.

  After a little further searching, I had found a few things I felt comfortable in, and after a quick shower, I put on a pair of black Converse sneakers, a black V-neck, and a pair of ripped jean shorts. I met Tanner out in front of the house as he’d instructed. He pulled up in a newer model shiny black truck with bright chrome accents. Something had been done to it to make it a lot taller than most trucks on the road, which got me to thinking about another black truck. More of a farm style truck from the sixties or seventies, and the man who looked so good driving it. “Mommy!” Sammy shouted from the backseat, bringing me back to the present, and my heart did a little skip.

  “Let’s go make some memories!” Tanner said, rounding the truck to open the door for me.

  During the entire half of an hour ride, Sammy babbled endlessly. I was impressed with Tanner’s patience, especially when Sammy let out a high-pitched screech that could only be described as a pterodactyl scream and Tanner only laughed and shrugged his shoulders. “He does that when he’s frustrated.” Tanner pursed his lips. “And when he’s happy, and when he’s upset, and when…he does it all the time,” he admitted. We turned off on an exit marked Indian Reservation. We crossed under a sign made out of bent branches that announced that the place was called ALLIGATOR FUN LAND. Sammy squealed with delight when Tanner took him out of his car seat and the second his little feet hit the ground he raced through the gates in front of us.

  We chased Sammy from exhibit to exhibit. The entire time, Tanner talked me through what we’d done there before. What I’d said. What I had thought about the flamingos or the turtles. Anything to connect the past to the present and trigger a memory. Most of the time, I just smiled and nodded as I watched the little boy of energy that was my son run circles around us.

  For lunch we ate hot dogs from a cart and brought them into the little arena to watch the alligator feeding.

&nb
sp; Sammy crawled up on my lap. “Mommy, look!” he cried out, pointing to where a man dressed in a safari type outfit, khaki shorts, and a matching short-sleeved collared shirt, had entered the gate housing a small dark pond. “Where the gators?” he asked, chewing on his fist as he spoke, spreading the mustard from his hot dog up into his nose. Tanner reached out and wiped his face with a napkin.

  “You gotta watch the pond buddy,” Tanner said, pointing to the water. When the trainer tied a piece of red meat to the end of a rope, attached to a long pole, the audience of around twenty people went quiet. He pushed the pole out over the water and shook it so that the rope and the meat dangling from it danced in the air. In less than a second, several alligators rose to the surface in a series of splashing and thrashing, opening their strong jaws and climbing over one another to get to the meat. The largest of them all was the one who was successful, clamping his razor sharp teeth around the meat, snapping the rope, and disappearing back under the water as quickly as he’d appeared. Tanner and Sammy clapped and cheered along with the rest of the audience but the entire thing felt unsettling to me. The trainer was provoking beasts kept in captivity.

  It felt wrong.

  There was enough trouble in the world; there was no need to go looking for it by dangling bait in front of a hungry beast with sharp teeth.

  Tanner nudged my elbow. “The feeding show always was your favorite.”

  Either that has changed or Ray was a really good liar.

  I shrugged and looked down to Sammy who was still on my lap, clapping so hard his hands would miss each other every so often and land on his chubby arms. He looked back at me and smiled, mustard crusted around the corners of his mouth. I didn’t care if it left me with a bad taste in my mouth, if it made Sammy smile like that, it was alright by me. “Nah, it’s great.”

  On the way back to the car, Sammy walked between us, grabbing both of our hands. We swung him back and forth as he shrieked in delight, my stomach doing a little flip every time I knew his smile was a result of something I’d done.