Survivor's Guilt

by Michelle Arnold

  “Yeah. I didn’t know how to react. She’s never done anything like that before. She was talking about how she didn’t love Jeff even though he was perfect for her, and then she said there’s someone else she does love, but she doesn’t know if she can be with them. I thought she was talking about some bloke, and I asked who it was, and then she tried to kiss me, but I didn’t let her. And then she left, and now she’s gone to LA, and I don’t know what to say to her.”

  Lola continued giving her a hard stare. “Abi, you’re my only daughter, and I love you very much. But right now I’m going to say what I would say if you were one of my customers.”

  “Okay.”

  “You’re an idiot.”

  Abi’s mouth fell open. “That’s how you talk to your customers?”

  “When it’s what they need to hear. And you, Abi, are being an idiot. Why didn’t you just let her kiss you?”

  “Because, I…never thought she would want to kiss me. I don’t know, I just reflexively moved back! I was really confused, just like I am right now!”

  “If you weren’t an idiot, you would have expected it, because you would already know you’re the one she’s in love with! I never understood why she was going out with Jeff! It’s so obvious that you two love each other, and one of you finally gets the guts to do something about it, and my own daughter decides to keep being an idiot! Why do you keep fighting your feelings? My mother always told me, love is like seaweed. Even if you push it away, you will not prevent it from coming back. But you keep pushing it away, and for what? I didn’t raise you to be stupid!”

  Lola’s voice had risen to the point that the conversation was no longer just between the two of them. People were staring.

  “Mum, keep it down!” Abi hissed.

  “I’ll keep it down if you stop being stupid!” Lola hissed back.

  “Okay! So, you knew all this time, about…Greta?”

  “I may not have figured it out right away, but I put two and two together over time. It’s obvious that you love her and would do anything for her, and she clearly feels the same way about you. You two belong together. She’s the sweetest thing, Abi. Would it kill you to do something to make her happy?”

  “I’d love to make her happy, I just never thought being with her in that way would do it!”

  “Because you’re blind as a bat! You’re both such intelligent women, but you can’t see what’s right in front of your faces! I think you and Greta are soul mates.”

  Abi couldn’t help smiling. Greta always had felt like a soul mate to her. “I think maybe we are.”

  “So what’s been holding you back?”

  “I just didn’t think she’d ever be into me like that. She’s just so…incredible. So classy and beautiful and amazing. Why would she want some girl who grew up on a council estate? I always thought if I put a move on her, she’d think I just wanted her because of money or status.”

  Lola took Abi’s hands in her own. “Baby, listen to me. You are Greta’s hero. You are everything she’s not, and everything she needs you to be. She absolutely adores you. You are exactly what she wants.”

  Abi blinked back tears. “I just didn’t realize.”

  “Well, now you do. And now that you know, you need to do something about it.”

  Abi nodded, swallowing down the lump in her throat. “What do I do? Should I call her?”

  “Abi, you can’t have this sort of conversation over the phone. What day does she come back?”

  “She gets in Saturday evening.”

  “So here’s what you do. You get her from the airport, bring her home, order in from her favorite restaurant, light some candles, and tell her how much you love her. Then, kiss her for real! You romance that woman’s socks off.”

  Abi nodded. “Okay. It can be a surprise for her.”

  “Exactly! You’re finally going to give her what she really wanted for Christmas!”

  Abi chuckled. “Have you had this talk with Greta?”

  Lola shook her head. “Greta talks to me about a lot of things, but not about this. She’s never mentioned her feelings for you. But I can see it in her eyes. How happy she is when she’s with you, how hurt she is when you’re paying more attention to someone else instead of her.”

  Abi’s heart sank. “She looks hurt sometimes?”

  “Yes, when you’re here with a group and you’re trying to give everyone equal attention. It’s so obvious that she’s only there for you, and she wishes you felt the same way.”

  “I am mainly there for her, but I didn’t want everyone to see that!” Abi bit her lip. “I guess I haven’t been as considerate of her feelings as I should have been.”

  “No, you haven’t. But you can change all that now. You have until Saturday to plan this. You give that woman the most romantic experience of her life.”

  “But what do I do right now? She seemed really embarrassed. She probably thinks I’m mad at her for trying to kiss me.”

  “Tell her something vague to let her know you’re not mad, but you can’t tell her you love her until she gets back. You need to say it while looking her right in the eyes. She deserves that.”

  Abi smiled a little. “She has the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.” It felt good to say that out loud.

  “She’s a beautiful woman! I know when you first came out all those years ago I was worried about you being with other women, but if I’d known you’d wind up with someone like Greta, I wouldn’t even have minded.”

  “Okay.” Abi nodded. “Okay. I’ll do this. I’ll tell her how I feel.”

  “Go get planning! And pick something nice to wear. Show her you’re willing to make an effort for her.”

  Abi made a face. This would be so much easier if Jordan were still around. “Usually she just tells me what to wear if we’re doing something fancy.”

  “Then you already know what she likes to see on you.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Just get out there and make her happy. Don’t you dare break her heart!”

  “Mum, I won’t! Geez.” Abi finished her beer and, feeling lighter, headed back home to start working on her plan.

  ***

  By Saturday afternoon, Abi had everything ready. She was freshly showered, and she’d shaved her legs all the way up, just in case the expected kissing turned into something more (she could feel her cheeks burning at the very thought). She had bought a new dress, although she wasn’t planning on putting it on until the very last minute. She’d called ahead to order dinner from Greta’s favorite French restaurant, which she would pick up on the way back from the airport. She went over to Greta’s house to set the table in the little-used formal dining room so everything would be ready. She picked up some flowers on the way and put them in a vase. Once Greta saw the setup, she was going to know for sure that this was no ordinary dinner. Abi had a speech prepared. She was going to explain to Greta that she had loved her all along but had never thought Greta would love her back. Then she would look her right in the eyes and say these words: I love you. I’m done being a coward. Let’s do this. And they would kiss, for sure they would kiss this time. As for what happened next…well, she supposed she’d find out when the time came. As long as she woke up tomorrow morning with Greta in her arms, she’d be happy, whether they were clothed or unclothed.

  There was no sense in pretending she wasn’t hoping for unclothed. But whatever Greta wanted was fine with her.

  Abi was just setting up the candlesticks on the table when her phone buzzed. It was a text message from Greta. Abi frowned. Was her flight delayed? She should be halfway home by now.

  Abi opened the message. All it said was I love you.

  Abi frowned even harder. Why would Greta text her that? She was on her way home. Why not wait until she got here?

  Is everything okay? Abi texted back. A minute later, a little message popped up telling her that her text had not been delivered.

  Then her phone rang. It was Lola, who was at work.
>
  “Hey, Mum,” she said as she answered. “I just got—”

  “Abi, turn on the TV,” said Lola. Her voice sounded tight.

  Abi went down the hall to the living room and dug out the remote. “Okay, what channel?”

  “Any channel that shows news.”

  Abi’s stomach tightened. She turned on the TV and immediately saw a passenger jet quickly losing altitude. At the bottom of the screen were the words BREAKING NEWS, and under that, Flight 528 LA to New York losing altitude near Peoria, IL after engine explodes.

  “Is that Greta’s flight?” Lola asked.

  Abi’s mouth was dry. “Let me check. She texted me her flight number.” Putting the phone on speaker, she scrolled through her messages. “Yes, here it is. It’s…”

  “Abi? Is it her plane?”

  Abi couldn’t get the words to come out. She looked back up at the TV screen, where some expert was explaining that the rear engine had exploded and taken out the whole steering system. He said the pilots had little control, but were communicating with flight control and had been trying to move the plane in the direction of the airport at Peoria by idling the engine on one side and adding more power to the other. The plane seemed to be over a field now, but it was going down quickly. The expert pointed out, unnecessarily, that the plane was not going to make it to the airport and would be crashing into the field. He applauded the pilots for successfully avoiding the nearby city.

  “It’s her plane, isn’t it?” said Lola. “Abi?”

  The plane hit the ground, bounced, hit again, flipped over, and broke into pieces, a huge fireball going up from one part. Abi dropped the phone.

  For a moment, no one on the news said anything. Finally the news anchor cleared his throat. “It says here there are 194 passengers on that plane. Franklin, in your opinion, do you think…are we likely to see many survivors?”

  “I haven’t seen a crash this bad in years,” said the expert, his voice wavering.

  “The last time you saw one like this, were there any survivors?”

  “No sir, no. And I will quite frankly be surprised if there are any today. But I hope I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong.”

  Abi heard a strange sound, like the cry of a wounded animal, and realized it was coming from her own mouth. She sank to her knees, both hands pressed over her mouth to keep any more sounds from coming out, but they wouldn’t stop.

  The smoke began to clear a little, and more of the plane became visible on the screen. The fuselage had broken into several pieces. One wing had broken off and was lying some distance away from the rest of the plane, burning. The other wing was still attached to the fuselage, but that entire section of the plane was upside down and smashed, very smashed. And that was the only part that was easily identifiable as a passenger plane. The other parts were all either burning or smashed into so many pieces that you couldn’t even tell what part of the plane they had been. Abi realized that first class, where Greta always flew, had to be one of those unidentifiable pieces. There was debris everywhere, but no people. No one. No one was crawling out from the wreckage, and no rescue crews had arrived yet.

  “Greta,” Abi whispered, searching desperately for the place where Greta might be. She thought she could make out part of what might be the cockpit, but everything between that and the part with the wing still attached was in flames. There was debris everywhere. Abi felt something come undone inside of her. “GRETA!” she screamed desperately, as if she could summon her back from wherever she was if only she could scream loudly enough. “GRETA! GRETA!!!” The screams tore through her throat painfully, but she couldn’t stop. “GRETA! My Greta!”

  “Abi!” She heard a pounding at the front door, her mother’s voice on the other side. “Abi, baby, let me in!”

  Abi forced herself up, still out of her mind with grief. She went to the door and let her mother in.

  “I took a cab straight here,” Lola said. “What’s happening?

  “The plane crashed, it’s all in pieces!” Abi shouted hoarsely, pulling her mother into the living room. “Look!”

  Lola looked. The news helicopter was circling the scene, showing the extent of the wreckage. Emergency vehicles could be seen moving closer on a nearby country road.

  “Oh shit,” said Lola softly. “And Greta’s in there?”

  Abi nodded miserably. “I need her!” she said hoarsely. “She can’t—”

  “Abi.” Lola helped her to the couch. “Let’s listen to the news right now, okay? Maybe they’ll find her when they get the survivors! See, help is coming.”

  Abi looked at the TV, feeling her mother’s arms encircle her. The rescue crews were finally starting to arrive and go through the wreckage in search of survivors while firefighters worked on putting out the parts of the plane that were burning. The survivor search seemed to be entirely focused on the part of the plane with the wing still attached, but that wasn’t where Greta would be. The expert they’d brought on was still babbling about similar plane crashes and the unlikelihood that any survivors would be found in a crash this bad. But Greta had to be there somewhere. Abi hadn’t even told her that she loved her yet. Why weren’t they looking for her?

  Finally her mind cleared a little, and she stood up.

  “Where are you going?” Lola demanded. Abi realized there were tears on her mother’s face.

  “I’m going to the airport.”

  The elder woman stood up. “What do you think you’re going to do there?”

  “Get on the first plane to Peoria, Illinois. I’m going to go find Greta.”

  “But you heard them, they don’t think there are any survivors.”

  “They don’t know that for sure, but either way, I’m bringing Greta back home.” Abi blinked back tears. “If she is alive, she’s gonna need me. I have power of attorney, to make decisions for her if she’s not able. She sat me down after Jordan died and made me sign a bunch of forms.” She sniffed. “And she put me in charge of arrangements, if she…”

  Lola nodded, her face crumpling. “Then go find her. I’m going to go to church and pray for a miracle.”

  “Thank you. I’m going to leave Greta’s key with you, so you can take care of her house while I’m gone. She won’t mind you staying here.” Abi hugged her mother, and then she grabbed her things and headed to LaGuardia.

  ***

  The soonest flight they could get her on had a layover in Detroit, which Abi was not happy about, but there were no direct flights from New York to Peoria. The ticket agent had trouble accepting that Abi only wanted a one-way ticket (she had no idea how long she’d be in Peoria) or that she had no baggage to check (there was no time to pack anything). The news in the airport lobby was tuned in to the plane crash footage. Abi watched nervously while she waited for her flight to board. Still no mention of any survivors being found.

  There was no wi-fi on the plane, and Abi knew her jitteriness had to be aggravating the woman next to her, but there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. As soon as her plane landed in Detroit, she dashed around looking for the nearest TV.

  The crash was still being covered, but since the sun had set, there wasn’t much to see at the crash site but a bunch of search lights. The TV was on mute, but Abi could see the words at the bottom: FLIGHT 528 CRASH: ONLY ONE SURVIVOR FOUND SO FAR, BUT SEARCH CONTINUES.

  One survivor. It could be Greta. She was going to pray that it was.

  When her second plane landed in Peoria, she asked to be directed to the car rental kiosk. Convincing the woman behind the counter that she didn’t give a fuck what kind of car it was as long as she could get it now took a minute, but soon she was on the road in her rented Chevy, following the directions she’d looked up to the crash site.

  She could see it from a long way off. There were flashing lights everywhere, and helicopters up above shining lights down. She twisted and turned through country roads, moving towards the lights, until she finally came to a police roadblock. She got out of the car.
/>   “Ma’am, you can’t be here,” said an officer, approaching her.

  “I’m looking for someone,” she told him, shivering in the cold air.

  “Everyone who’s here is either searching for survivors or securing the area. No one has time to talk, and we can’t have civilians running around here.”

  “Please,” she begged. “I came a long way. I’m trying to find a passenger from the plane.”

  “Rescue workers are already doing that,” said another cop, a woman.

  “Look, the woman I love is on that plane,” Abi said firmly. “I came all the way from New York to find her, and I am not leaving without her.”

  “Miss—”

  “Abi.”

  “Abi, we’ve been searching for hours, and only one person has been found alive so far. We’re now looking in the dark, and we haven’t IDed anyone yet, but—”

  “What can you tell me about the person who was found alive?”

  “Only that it was a woman. And there were probably a hundred women on this plane, so that doesn’t narrow it down much.”

  “Did you see what she looked like?”

  The female officer sighed. “She was in pretty rough shape. They had her intubated when they loaded her on the helicopter, and she was covered in blood. Out cold. All I can tell you is that she was a Caucasian woman. I couldn’t tell you age, hair color, anything.”

  “Do you know what hospital she was taken to?”

  “They would have taken her to Peoria Memorial.”

  “Okay, thanks.” Abi got back in the car before they could say anything else and put the hospital into the GPS. She was just turning the car around when her phone rang. Seeing an unfamiliar number, she answered it.

  “Is this Abidemi Okafor?” said a woman’s voice.

  “Yes,” said Abi.

  “This is Peoria Memorial Hospital. We have a patient here with your phone number written on her hand and the words ‘power of attorney.’ Her driver’s license says her name is Greta Lang?”

  Tears of relief slipped down Abi’s face. “Yes. She’s my – yes. Is she…”

  “She was in a plane crash today. We’ve been trying to figure out who to notify. Looks like she’s from New York. Is that where you are?”