Survivor's Guilt

by Michelle Arnold

  “Hey.” Abi rested a firm hand on Greta’s shoulder. “You don’t have the energy right now to be worried about anyone but yourself.”

  Greta forced a smile. “I guess you’re right.” Perhaps when she was feeling better, she could find Lauren online. Her phone had survived the crash inside her pocket, but she hadn’t used it much because it was too frustrating to operate with just her left hand, and her coordination was still bad. She also found it difficult to focus on a screen. Even real life seemed to have a dreamlike quality at the moment; anything on a screen just seemed too far away to be worth her attention.

  “We’re still going to have that dinner when I finally get you home,” Abi said.

  “Will you stay at my house with me?” Greta asked.

  “Of course. You’re gonna need someone to look after you.”

  Greta thought for a moment. “But once we’re back in New York, you’ll go back to work?”

  Abi frowned. “Of course not. You need an advocate at the hospital, and when you go home, you’ll need someone to take care of you around the clock. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Will you have enough vacation time?”

  “I’ll put in for an extended leave of absence if I need to. Don’t worry about it.” She moved a strand of hair out of Greta’s face. “All you have to worry about is getting better.” She tenderly kissed Greta’s forehead.

  Friday, January 11, 2019, Greta repeated in her head.

  ***

  Greta dozed for a bit on the plane, but she woke again when it began to make its descent. She looked out the window at the New York skyline and felt her heart begin to lift. This was home, the place where she had chosen to make a life for herself. New York had brought her and Abi together. It felt right that they were back here.

  But when they wheeled her gurney off of the plane and into the waiting ambulance, the grim reality that she still couldn’t go home set in. She was suddenly hit with a wave of homesickness for her beloved Lincoln Square row house, where everything was exactly the way she wanted it. She just wanted to climb into her comfortable king-sized bed with Abi beside her and go to sleep. But then she looked down at her battered body and her casts and reminded herself that she wasn’t going to be comfortable no matter where she was, not for a long time to come. She just had to be grateful for what she did have: her life, her Abi, and the promise that one day she would walk again. Some of the other passengers might not be as lucky.

  As the ambulance drove through the streets of New York, she tried to glimpse familiar landmarks through the windows in the back, but she couldn’t see much. Soon they were unloading her at Cornell Hospital, where a room had already been prepared for her. Greta was pleased to see that her new room had just a regular-sized window overlooking the hallway, rather than floor-to-ceiling windows like her old room. The bigger windows were in the exterior wall, admitting plenty of daylight and allowing her a nice view overlooking the East River. The room also had a couch for visitors, so Abi would be a bit more comfortable.

  Greta’s new doctor, Dr. Thomas, soon came into the room to introduce himself and to explain who her care team were going to be and what their plan was for her care. Greta tried to listen, but she was still struggling a bit with focus, so she was glad Abi was listening as well.

  “What kind of time frame are we looking at for her recovery?” Abi asked him.

  “Her broken leg is to be non-load-bearing for the next six weeks, then the casts will come off and she’ll have a boot for about six weeks after that. She’ll be in physical therapy the entire time. She should be pretty close to normal by the time the boot comes off, but the head injury could take a little longer to fully recover. Once she leaves here, she’ll have to make a decision about going into an inpatient rehabilitation center or going home with a nurse and attending an outpatient facility for a few hours a day.”

  “I’ll be able to stay home and help her. She won’t need a nurse,” Abi assured him.

  “Right now, we have her on two-person assist every time she gets out of bed, and that’s not likely to change until both her casts come off. We can’t release her to her home unless she has secured proper care.”

  “Abi,” said Greta softly. “I need someone to help me use the bathroom, and I don’t want it to be you. I’ll get a nurse, because I do want to go home.”

  “Do you have stairs to navigate at home?” Dr. Thomas asked her.

  Greta bit her lip. “My house has a lot of floors, but there is an elevator going between the first and third floors. Everything I need is on those floors.”

  “But you have to go up a bunch of stairs to get in,” Abi said, her brow furrowed. “You really weren’t thinking about the possibility of breaking your leg when you bought that place.”

  “I could go in through the courtyard. That’s only a few steps down,” Greta pointed out. “I just need a ramp.”

  Abi considered that. “Right then, I’ll call someone and have a ramp put in going down to the courtyard. Then you can take the lift up to the third floor.”

  “I don’t use the elevator much though. It might need to be looked at.”

  “Then I’ll also call an elevator maintenance person and make sure it is in good working order before you get home.”

  Greta smiled gratefully. After answering a few more questions, Dr. Thomas went on his way, and Abi had to take a phone call. Greta waited patiently, repeating the date over and over in her head. Friday, January 11, 2019.

  “That was my mum,” Abi said, hanging up the phone. “She just picked your mum up from the airport and wanted to know if they should come straight here. I told them you’re tired from your flight and to call in the morning.”

  “Thank you,” said Greta. “I don’t think I’m ready for them today. Tomorrow will be better.”

  “Hey, you look like you could use a nap. You have been awake longer today than you have been any day since the crash.”

  “Yeah.” Greta knew she wouldn’t last much longer, but there was something she needed to do. “Could you pull the curtain around the bed so I can have a little privacy?”

  “Sure.” Abi tugged the curtain along its track, blotting out Greta’s view of the busy hospital hallway – and their view of her.

  “I need to tell you something,” she said to Abi.

  “Yeah, what is it?”

  Greta took a deep breath. “Today is Friday, January 11, 2019.”

  “You’re right,” Abi agreed.

  “Good,” said Greta. “We need to remember this date. It’s the date of our first kiss.”

  Abi broke into a grin. “So you’re ready, huh?”

  “You said we could do it when I could remember the date. I’ve had it in my head since this morning.”

  “Okay,” said Abi. “Yeah, I guess you’re ready.” She pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed, taking Greta’s good hand in both of hers. “I love you,” she said.

  “I love you too,” said Greta. “Now kiss me.”

  So she did. It was soft and sweet, tender and mostly chaste. It was absolutely perfect.

  14

  A Crazy Idea

  The mothers invaded the next morning. There was no holding them back any longer. Sylvia needed to see her daughter for herself, and Lola was dying to see her as well. Abi made both of them promise before they came not to tire Greta out and reminded them not to say anything about Greta being the only survivor from the crash. She knew Sylvia was already fending off reporters who wanted to be put in touch with Greta, as was Patty. Hopefully, that ked about them. would die down soon.

  The nurses got Greta into a chair before the visit. She was supposed to sit up for a certain amount of time each day, though Abi could see in her eyes that all she could think about was how much she wanted to lie back down. She was continually exhausted, as anyone would be with all she had been through, but she kept a good attitude, especially after last night.

  Abi herself was walking on air after finally getting to enjoy Greta’s
sweet kisses, even if the circumstances were less than ideal for making out. When the nurse had helped Greta turn onto her side to sleep last night, Greta had asked if Abi could get in bed with her, and of course Abi couldn’t say no. Even with the hospital smells and the quiet whirring of the oxygen machine and the occasional beeping from the IV machine and Greta’s chronic discomfort, it had been the most beautiful night of Abi’s life, just because she got to be so close to Greta. From the beautiful smiles Greta kept giving her, Abi knew it was up there on her list as well.

  To have the love of that incredible woman – well, Abi wasn’t sure anyone deserved it, but somehow, she was the one Greta had chosen. She didn’t intend to let her down, no matter what challenges the current situation presented.

  “If you get too tired, just tell them you need rest,” Abi told Greta before the mothers arrived, arranging a blanket on the injured woman’s lap. “Don’t feel bad about it. They’ll understand. For once in your life, you have to put yourself first, just for a while.”

  “I’ll tell them,” Greta promised. “I still want to have some energy left for you.”

  Abi chuckled. “I love you so much,” she said, stealing a kiss just because she could.

  “I love you too,” Greta said, her hazel eyes briefly glittering. Her eyes had held a dull, somewhat glassy appearance ever since she had regained consciousness, which Abi assumed was a combination of the exhaustion, constant pain, and side effects from the painkillers. Still, a bit of her old sparkle appeared now and then, especially after a kiss. Abi saw that as a good reason to kiss her often.

  “I hear them coming,” Abi said, by which she meant she heard Lola’s loud, commanding voice down the hall.

  “Okay,” said Greta, offering up her lips for one more kiss. “Is it okay with you if I tell my mother about us?”

  Abi smiled. “You can tell anyone you like.” She fluffed up Greta’s hair a little, arranging it to cover the IV port in her neck.

  “I want to tell everyone in the world,” Greta said with a sleepy smile.

  “I’ll get one of those aeroplanes to fly around with a banner,” Abi quipped.

  Just then, the mothers came into the room, Lola holding a big bunch of “get well soon” balloons while Sylvia held an elaborate flower bouquet.

  “My darling, I’ve been going crazy since I heard about your plane crash!” Sylvia said, bending to kiss Greta’s cheek. “I’ve been calling Abi every day for updates, but she didn’t want me to come any sooner.”

  “Abi’s been taking good care of me,” Greta promised. “The flowers are beautiful!”

  “I saw the crash replayed on TV. It was terrifying,” said Lola, reaching to hug Greta but freezing at her look of alarm.

  “She’s not up for hugs yet,” Abi told her gently. “Too many bruises and broken ribs.”

  Greta smiled apologetically, offering her good hand to Lola instead.

  “How are you feeling, honey?” Lola asked her.

  “Like I plummeted 35,000 feet and then hit the ground,” Greta said with a sheepish smile. “But pretty well, considering that happened.”

  “We’re just happy you survived,” Sylvia said quietly. “We don’t expect you to feel well, and we won’t be staying for long. We know you need your rest. We just wanted to see you.”

  Greta let go of Lola’s hand and took Sylvia’s, giving her a grateful smile. “Physically, I feel horrible,” she admitted. “Absolutely everything hurts. It would be a complete nightmare if it weren’t for Abi.” She looked up at the makeup artist and smiled. “But thanks to her, I’m doing far better emotionally than I am physically. In a sense, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”

  “Well, I knew you were fond of Abi, but I didn’t know she was a miracle worker,” said Sylvia, looking curiously at Abi.

  “She loves me,” Greta said softly. “I just found out that she loves me, and I already knew I loved her. So I can’t help feeling happy in spite of my physical discomfort.”

  Abi held her breath for a moment, hoping Sylvia wouldn’t react negatively to the news. She didn’t want to see Greta dealing with any kind of heartache in her frail condition.

  “Oh, well it’s about time you two figured that out,” said Sylvia.

  “I know, right?” said Lola.

  “I knew you two loved each other when I visited at Christmas,” Sylvia continued. “I thought you were in a relationship and weren’t ready to tell me yet. I thought that was why you broke up with Jeff.”

  “It sort of was,” Greta admitted. “He fell in love with me, and I didn’t love him back…because I already loved Abi. But I didn’t know if she felt the same way.”

  “For two intelligent women, you two were horrible at figuring this out,” said Lola. “Everyone else could see it. Jordan said the people at work invented a couple name for you two.”

  “A couple name?” said Abi, jaw dropping. “I never heard about this.”

  “They only said it behind your back. They called you two ‘Abeta.’”

  Greta giggled. “I get it! It’s a…it’s a…what do you call it? That thing where two names are smooshed together.”

  “A portmanteau,” Abi told her distractedly.

  “Yes, a portmanteau! Of ‘Abi’ and ‘Greta.’ Abeta.”

  “Yeah, I get it,” said Abi. “But I had no idea we were the big celebrity couple at the studio.”

  “The important thing is that you’re together now,” said Sylvia. “Though I’m sorry it took a horrendous plane crash to bring you together.”

  “Actually, we would have gotten together the day she came back to New York if the plane hadn’t crashed,” Abi admitted. “She made her feelings clear the night before she left, but I was too surprised to react the right way. I had time to think about it while she was gone, though, and I was just setting up a surprise romantic dinner when I got news of the crash.”

  “And then she flew straight to Illinois to find me, without even knowing if I had survived the crash,” said Greta with a smile. This story was already becoming a favorite of hers.

  “Well it’s a good thing I did, because I’m your power of attorney,” Abi said. “You needed me to do your paperwork and – Greta, are you okay?”

  The redhead suddenly had her hand on her chest and seemed to be struggling to draw in air. “My chest…hurts,” she said. “I think…my lung…”

  “I’ll get someone.” Abi ran out to the nurses’ station demanding help. Soon a nurse and the on-call doctor were in the room with an ultrasound machine, leaning Greta back in her recliner while they confirmed that her lung had collapsed again. They quickly wheeled her off to have a new tube placed in her chest.

  “I don’t understand,” said Abi. “She had her tube out before we came to New York. Why is her lung collapsing again?”

  “I think once a lung has collapsed, it has an increased risk of collapsing again in the future,” Sylvia said. Noting Abi’s surprised look, she added, “I do watch the show my daughter’s on.”

  “She’ll be fine,” Lola said. “God didn’t bring her through that plane crash so she could die in the hospital. She has a purpose, Abi, and I think it’s so she can be with you.”

  “I’m not sure I can share your blind faith,” said Abi quietly. “I’m just glad, if only one person could survive that crash, that it was Greta.”

  “What an awful burden though, to be the only one left alive on the plane,” said Sylvia. “I’m glad she doesn’t know.”

  “I’m not naïve enough to think we can keep it from her forever,” said Abi. “But I don’t think she’s ready to know yet. You heard what she said. Physically, she feels awful; emotionally, she’s happy because she finally knows I love her. She needs to keep this positive attitude so she can keep getting better. Everyone at the hospital in Illinois said she clearly had a strong will to live. I don’t want to take that from her.”

  “Don’t worry, I won’t tell her anything,” Sylvia promised. “I’ll do everything I can to keep her pos
itivity up.”

  “As will I,” Lola agreed. “And no one else can be allowed to visit her unless they promise to stay away from all depressing topics.”

  “She’ll be fine as long as Abi is here to look out for her. She’s very protective,” Sylvia noted with a wry smile.

  “First thing Monday, I’m going to the studio to file for a leave of absence,” Abi said. “I want to be by Greta’s side throughout the entire recovery process. I’ve wasted too much time by not telling her I loved her sooner. I’m gonna make it up to her now.”

  Soon Greta was back with her new chest tube in, and she seemed to be in good spirits in spite of this setback. The doctor confirmed what Sylvia had said about repeat lung collapses being common and insisted it was nothing to worry too much about. The mothers left soon after, promising to return the next day.

  ***

  As promised, Abi went into the studio first thing Monday morning. She took a deep breath before knocking on the office door of Ronald Barber, head of Human Relations for the studio.

  “Ms. Okafor,” he said, barely looking up. “Are you finally coming back to work?”

  “No, sir, actually…I need a form to ask for a leave of absence.”

  “What kind of leave?”

  “I dunno, the one you get to look after a sick loved one. Greta’s got a long recovery ahead of her, and I want to be there to take care of her.”

  “There’s no form for that.” He looked up her file. “You’ve taken five days off…today is your sixth. The studio has had to hire a temporary makeup artist to take your place. We would like you back by the end of this week.”