Survivor's Guilt

by Michelle Arnold

  Abi broke into a grin. “I think that’s a great place to start.”

  20

  Moving Forward

  April 2019

  Greta kept her word about doing her best to live for Abi. She worked harder in physical therapy, gaining back the ground she had lost and making her way back from a walker to a quad cane to just a regular cane. She came to the end of her six weeks with the boot and was allowed to stop wearing it, which meant she got to wear pairs of shoes again, even if they did have to be flats. She was smiling more, savoring things again, and agreeing to Abi's suggestions of fun things to do. But Abi could tell she was still in a funk. Everything she did was for Abi; her own joy in living, which used to be so strong, was barely present.

  Abi was determined to do whatever it took to get Greta out of her funk, which was how she found herself looking up Lauren's father, Dave Randall, and suggesting Greta meet with him.

  “Why would he want to meet with me?” Greta said. “He must hate me. All the family members of people who died on that plane must hate me, because I lived when their loved ones didn’t. But Lauren's family would hate me the most, if they knew what I did.”

  “Actually, I think it would be a comfort to Lauren's family to know someone was with Lauren when she died, someone who cared about her even though she'd just met her.”

  “But I don't remember her last moments. I never will, because of my head injury.”

  “I know, but you had a conversation with her that you do remember, and she obviously made a positive impression on you. I think it would make her dad feel a little better to hear that, sort of like how it comforted us when people who barely knew Jordan told us nice things about him. And I think it might mean something to you, to talk to him. It might give you both a sense of closure."

  “I suppose,” Greta agreed reluctantly. “But will you come with me?”

  “Of course I will.”

  ***

  Lauren’s dad was very interested in meeting with Greta, so they set up a meeting at a café. Abi walked in with Greta, who limped along with her cane, and they saw the man sitting alone at a window table. He rose when he saw them approaching.

  “I’m Dave,” he said, offering his hand to shake.

  “Abi.” She shook his hand firmly. “And this is Greta, but if you shake her hand, you’ll have to be very gentle. The bones are pinned together.”

  He smiled at Greta tenderly. “It's good to meet you, Greta. Please sit down.”

  Abi pulled out a chair, and Greta gingerly lowered herself into it. The others sat down as well.

  “I'd seen in the news, of course, that an actress from TV was the only person who survived the crash,” Dave said. “But I never imagined you had been sitting next to my Lauren.”

  “It was only due to a mix-up in the seating,” Greta said with a sad smile. “But she was a delightful girl. I am glad I got to know her, even for such a short time.”

  “I got a text from her when the plane was going down,” he said. “I've read it so many times, I have it memorized. It said, ‘Thank you for everything, Dad. I love you and I still think you're the best dad ever.’ My ex-wife got a similar text.”

  “Greta texted me that she loved me just as the plane was going down as well,” Abi said. “It must have been something they both talked about.”

  “Do you remember the crash?” Dave asked Greta with interest.

  Greta shook her head. “I was knocked unconscious when the plane went down. I received a skull fracture and developed a subdural hematoma, and I was in a coma for a few days. My brain never had the chance to form memories of the crash, or whatever may have happened right before it. I remember boarding the plane and taking off, and I remember chatting with Lauren for a bit before deciding to take a nap. I remember nothing after that.”

  “What did you two talk about?” he asked eagerly.

  “She told me about the performing arts school she went to, and that she had gotten the part of Liesl in The Sound of Music. She also mentioned you and her mother being divorced and that it was her first time visiting you since you had moved to New York, and that she’d never been on a plane before. She seemed very excited. She kept taking pictures out the window.”

  Dave smiled sadly. “Our Lauren was always destined for bigger and better things. She wanted to perform, and she wanted to see the world. But we couldn’t afford both of those dreams, so we figured we’d invest in her singing now, and maybe that would take her places later. Paying for her voice lessons and that school took everything we had, and then some. That’s why I took the job in New York, because it was the only promotion my company was offering me, and I needed to make more money. I hated moving away from her. I hate living in New York, to tell you the truth. But I thought it was the best thing for her.” He looked down at his coffee. “Turns out, that was what killed her.”

  “Oh, no!” Greta said, her eyes wide. “You can’t blame yourself for this! You did what you thought was best for her. You couldn’t possibly have known the plane would crash.”

  “But if I’d stayed in California, I would have seen more of her, and she’d still be alive.”

  “You can’t know that,” Abi assured him. “Young people’s lives get cut short lots of different ways. They don’t have to travel for that to happen.”

  “Anyway, she could have been the sole survivor of the crash, instead of me,” said Greta nervously, looking down at her hands. “I switched seats with her. She was on the aisle, but she wanted to look out the window, and since I’d flown so many times before, I offered to switch with her. Had she been in my spot…maybe she would be alive, and I would be dead.”

  Dave digested that. “You feel bad about this?”

  “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since I found out everyone else died besides me,” Greta admitted. “I couldn’t have saved everyone, but maybe I could have saved Lauren, if I hadn’t let her take my seat.”

  Dave shook his head. “You were being kind. We’ll never know if the outcome would have been different if you hadn’t changed seats with her, but you couldn’t have known it might put her in danger. You were just indulging an excited child on her first flight. I’m glad you were there with her, so someone would remember her last few hours.”

  Greta blinked back tears. “She was such a sweet young girl, with such a promising future,” she said, her voice breaking. “She deserved to live more than I did.”

  “That’s not true,” Dave said, putting his hand over Greta’s. “You both deserved to live. Just, for whatever reason, that was all the time she was given on this Earth. I wish she could have had longer, but I’m still glad you’re here.”

  Greta looked up at him. “You really are?”

  “Of course. You seem like a nice person who deserves to have a good life. And Lauren was a good person too. She wouldn’t want anyone to be miserable on her account. That’s what I keep telling myself, when I have trouble getting through the day.”

  “See, I told you,” Abi said softly, rubbing Greta’s back.

  Greta closed her eyes for a moment, pulling herself together inside, and then she opened them again with a slight frown. “Wait a minute. You said you needed the promotion to help pay for Lauren’s school, but she told me she got in on scholarship.”

  “She did, but it wasn’t a full-ride scholarship, and it was only for the first year. My ex-wife and I just told each other we would find a way to cover the next three years no matter what, because we knew how much it meant to Lauren. Lauren never realized that the scholarship wasn’t enough and that we were still having to sacrifice. We didn’t want her worried about us. We just wanted her to keep chasing her dreams.”

  “Sounds like a crap scholarship,” said Abi.

  “It was all we had.”

  “Maybe…” Greta looked to Abi uncertainly.

  “What?” Abi asked her.

  “Maybe we could start a new scholarship for that school, in Lauren’s name. One that covers everything fo
r all four years. Then parents of other talented kids like Lauren would be able to send them without sacrificing.”

  “That would be incredible,” said Dave. “But where would we get the funding for that?”

  “I can secure the funding,” said Greta quietly.

  “I think that would be the perfect way to honor Lauren,” said Abi.

  “Heck yeah. As much as she loved that school, it would mean the world to her to have something named after her there,” Dave said. “And I know the scholarship would mean a lot to families like ours. If we’d had that…I would never have had to move away.”

  “I’ll see what I can do,” Greta promised him.

  “All right, I definitely have to shake your hand now, but I’ll be gentle,” Dave said. Greta put her hand in his, and he held it gingerly. “You seem like a truly amazing person, Greta. I know you’re probably suffering from feelings of guilt and all that, but anyone with a heart like yours deserves to be here. Don’t ever feel like you don’t.”

  ***

  Talking to Lauren's dad seemed to improve Greta's mood immensely. Suddenly, she had a purpose. There was something she could do for Lauren. She contacted the school to talk about setting up the scholarship in Lauren's honor and found out they were also in the middle of a fundraising campaign to refurbish the school's auditorium, where Lauren had been expecting to perform in The Sound of Music. Greta asked how much money remained to be raised and then pledged to donate that amount on the condition that the auditorium would be renamed as the Lauren Randall Theatre. The school happily agreed. When renovations were complete, they would put up a sign with Lauren's name and picture.

  “I know it's not going to bring her back, but it makes me feel a little better to know I'm doing something that would make her happy if she knew about it,” Greta said as they were getting ready for bed one night.

  “You've made sure every kid that goes to that school in the future will know who Lauren was,” Abi said quietly. “You can't bring her back to life, but you are keeping her memory alive.”

  “She deserves for her memory to be kept alive,” Greta said, wiping away a tear. “She affected me so much when I barely even knew her. Imagine the impression she made on people who knew her well.”

  “It was probably something like the impression you make on those who know you,” Abi said softly, kissing Greta’s cheek.

  “I’d like to talk to some of the other victims’ families to see if there’s anything similar I can do for any of them.” Greta leaned her cane against the nightstand and clambered ungracefully into bed. “I’d really like to do what I can to help everyone possible, since I’m the one who made it out alive.”

  “I think that’s a great idea.” Abi got into bed beside her wife. “And you know, you're in a unique position to help people like this. Most people wouldn't be able.”

  “Yes. And it’s nice to have something to do, because…” Greta’s eyes met Abi’s. “I know I’m not going to make it back to the show.”

  “Oh Greta, don’t say that!”

  “It’s true,” Greta insisted. “Pretending it isn’t true is only making matters worse. My body has changed. I don’t have the dexterity and balance I once had, nor is it healthy for me to spend such long stretches on my feet anymore. Not to mention, I don’t think I can ever look at hospital scenes the same way again. I just can’t. It’s too real to me now.”

  Abi nodded. “I get that.”

  “So, maybe finding ways to help people will give me a sense of purpose again, while I figure out what I want to do next.”

  “I think that makes perfect sense,” agreed Abi. “And I will support whatever you decide to do.”

  Greta smiled, that special smile she reserved only for Abi. “I know you will.”

  ***

  Abi’s alarm went off at seven, and she quickly hushed it, but she didn’t roll over and go back to sleep. It was her last official day of family leave. On Monday she would go back to work, sans Greta. It would only be for half a week while they finished filming the series finale, but she was already getting offers for temporary work over the hiatus, so she knew she would be kept busy. She intended to make this last weekday off count by making it one long romantic day for Greta.

  Though she had to admit, Greta certainly didn’t plan to be bored while Abi worked. In addition to continuing her quest to contact the family members of every crash victim to offer her condolences and see if there was anything she could do to help them, she had decided to take up several new hobbies to fill her time. She had signed up for a creative writing class, finally experimenting with her childhood dream of being a writer. She was also going to take a watercolor class, because she thought it might be a fun way to work on her fine motor skills. And while her official physical therapy was finished, she had gotten a personal trainer at her health club who was going to help her try to get as close as possible to her previous fitness level, and she had joined yoga and water classes geared towards people with minor disabilities. She wanted to make her body as healthy as it was capable of being, and she was also determined to forge new neural pathways to make up for the damage her brain had received. It was painful to hear Greta talk about all this, to sense the fear and uncertainty hiding behind her cheerful and determined demeanor, but Abi was still glad her wife was planning on keeping herself busy and not brooding on the resignation letter she had sent to the network and studio.

  “Hey, wake up, sleepyhead,” Abi said softly, pushing strands of Greta’s hair out of her face.

  Greta opened her beautiful eyes and smiled. “Abi,” she said fondly.

  “Hello, beautiful,” Abi said, kissing her wife’s face. “It’s time to get up.”

  Greta stretched and looked at the clock. “Why?” she asked in alarm.

  “Because we need to eat breakfast before we go to Fifth Avenue.”

  “Fifth Avenue?” Greta’s eyes opened wide. “You’re taking me shopping?”

  Abi chuckled. “Well, maybe we could fit in a little shopping, but I’m taking you for a spa day! I booked, like, all the treatments for you. We’re getting a couples’ massage. We’re getting facials, manis, pedis. We’re getting laser hair removal since you’ve been complaining about how hard it is to shave your legs now, and I even booked you a hair salon appointment.”

  “Oh, Abi!” said Greta. “You’re really going to do all that with me?”

  “I know you’ll enjoy it more if I’m there, and it’s our last Friday together before I have to work again.”

  “A spa day sounds wonderful,” Greta said sleepily, her hand reaching for her hair. “I have been thinking about getting a new haircut. I’m starting a new chapter of my life, after all.”

  “I just want you to get a little pampering and focus on making your body feel nice for today.” Abi knew she had to accept that aches and pains were part of Greta’s existence now, but she planned to do a lot of pampering to make up for it.

  “You are such a good wife.” Greta caught Abi’s hand and brought it to her lips, kissing it tenderly. Abi was still struggling to believe that she would get to enjoy this sweetness for the rest of her life.

  After a light breakfast, they were off to Fifth Avenue, where they both enjoyed their day of pampering. Greta decided to get bold in the hair salon, getting her coloring touched up and going for a whole new shoulder-length cut with layers. She looked amazing, but then, she always had. And then, because they were so close to the boutiques, Greta convinced Abi to go shoe-shopping with her. They made a point of only looking at flats, and Greta actually found some very fancy ones that went well with some of her nicest dresses.

  “See, these are just as pretty as the heels. They’re just not high,” Abi pointed out.

  Greta sighed. “But they don’t change the aesthetic of my whole body the way heels do.”

  “Well, I love your aesthetic no matter what kind of shoes you wear,” Abi insisted. “And I’m the one who’s taking you on a fancy date tonight.”

 
Greta looked up. “Where to?”

  “It’s a surprise.” Abi pulled a pair of shoes off the shelf. “Hey, aren’t these basically the flat version of those shoes you were so sad you never got to wear? The leopard-print shoes with the little ceramic roses on them?”

  Greta looked at the shoes and smiled. “Yes. Beautiful Italian-made shoes.”

  “I think you should get them for our date tonight. Let’s find you a sexy leopard-print dress to match.”

  Abi enjoyed watching Greta try on dresses until she finally came out with the perfect leopard-print dress that clung to her curves and made Abi give a long, low whistle. Greta smiled in delight, and then she insisted on helping Abi find a new outfit of her own for the mystery date. Not being a big fan of animal prints herself, Abi went with a clingy gold dress and even consented to getting a pair of nice heels for herself, although they made her nearly a foot taller than Greta. But if Greta wanted to live vicariously through her footwear, the least she could do was let her.

  As they were paying for their goods, Greta got a phone call. Abi watched her talking very seriously for a moment before hanging up.

  “It’s Michael,” she told Abi. “He wants me to come meet with him in his office about my resignation letter.”

  “Uh oh. He must not want to let you go,” said Abi. The executive producer of Mercy ER didn’t call people in for private meetings unless he meant business.

  “I suppose I’ll meet with him,” said Greta. “But I’m not changing my mind. I just don’t think that show is where I belong right now.”

  “I’ll come with you and make sure he listens to you,” Abi promised.

  Abi had never been in the executive producer’s private office before, but you got to go places ordinary people couldn’t when you were married to an actress. It might have been daunting if Greta weren’t so cute and accessible – and, well, Abi’s.

  The two of them sat in front of Michael North’s large desk. Greta looked nervous, gripping her cane with both hands.

  “I got your resignation letter,” Michael told Greta. “But I just can’t accept it. I know it’s too late for you to come back this season, but while you might shun social media, your character does have a following, which has gotten even larger since the crash. You’re a favorite among the supporting cast, and the supporting cast is just as important as the leads. We’ve had to write you out of the rest of the season by necessity, and I’m not punishing you for that since it’s not your fault, but surely, once you’ve had more time to recover, you’ll be able to perform again in season three.”