by Alexa Land
“Please don’t hate yourself. Just know that I and a lot of other people love you and care about you, and we’re all here whenever you need us.”
“Thank you.” I still felt sick about it.
“Have you been in touch with Alastair?” He asked. “He’s been texting me every day to find out how you are. He didn’t want to contact you directly and bother you during your recovery.”
“I just texted him once after that hellish withdrawal week to apologize for missing our date.” I pulled out my phone and sent a quick message to Alastair, letting him know I was doing fine and was back home. I couldn’t help but notice TJ hadn’t texted back. When I put the phone down, I said, “I should have made more of an effort to stay in touch with everyone these past few weeks, but I just wanted to stay in my cocoon with TJ while I got better.”
“That’s exactly what you needed to do! TJ was great about messaging me, and I passed on the information to the rest of your friends, so we all knew what was going on. It was your full-time job to get well, not to channel your energy into constant updates.”
“Everyone’s been far kinder to me than I deserve. I was so selfish while I was on heroin. I lied to the people I loved, and I knew I was worrying them, but I kept using anyway. I hate that so much.”
“You were in the midst of an all-consuming addiction.”
“You keep making excuses for me,” I said.
“And you keep beating yourself up. I wish you wouldn’t.”
“I’ll work on that.”
We chatted for a few more minutes, until Chance’s family got home. Elijah whooped when he spotted me and raced through the warehouse and out to the patio. He grabbed me in an embrace as he exclaimed, “You’re home! I missed you so much, Zachary!”
I hugged him and said, “I missed you too, Elijah. I’m so sorry I worried you.”
“I don’t want apologies. I just want to hear you’re home to stay.”
“I am.”
“Good.” He held me at arm’s length and took a good look at me before announcing, “You put on weight.”
“Did I?”
“Yeah, didn’t you notice?”
“I, uh, don’t look in mirrors much.”
“Well, you look like you put on five pounds or so, and that’s a wonderful thing. You were way too skinny before, and now you look healthier. The color’s back in your cheeks, too.”
When Elijah let go of me, Colt gave me a quick hug and said, “I’m glad you’re home.”
That was followed by an awkward ‘don’t know if we should hug or shake hands’ thing with Finn, who also welcomed me home (the handshake ultimately won, after some embarrassing flailing about). I greeted Tony and Cory next (more awkwardness, but at least they didn’t try to hug me). Nobody knew what to say after the initial greetings, so I was relieved when someone knocked on the door and I had an excuse to step away for a moment.
As soon as I slid the steel front door aside, I was all but tackled by Alastair. “Thank God,” he said as he crushed me to him. “I was so relieved when you texted. Are you alright, Zachary?”
It was embarrassing to talk about my addiction with him, but I owed Alastair some honesty after making him worry like that. “Yeah. I mean, I’ll be in counseling pretty much forever, and I’m still dealing with the drug cravings, but I’m getting through it.”
He let go of me and picked up my hand. “Tell me how I can help. Anything you need, anything at all, just ask. As you know, I have a lot of resources at my disposal, and I’d like nothing more than to use them to make this easier for you.”
“That’s so kind, but all I want is your friendship.” I hesitated for a moment, then said gently, “And that’s what we are, Alastair, friends. It’s never going to turn into something more. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I need to make sure I don’t lead you on and end up hurting you even more than I probably just did.”
He made a real effort to hide his disappointment. “I appreciate your candor, and I’m honored to count you as a friend. Just so you know, the offer of assistance is always on the table, no matter what.”
“Thank you.” I pulled him into another hug and held on tightly as I said, “You’re such a great guy, and sooner or later you’re going to find someone who fits you perfectly, but that was never me.”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” he said, stepping back a bit and resting his hands on my shoulders. “I’d hoped to find a boyfriend during my time here in America, but it’s probably good that it hasn’t worked out. As soon as I turn twenty-one, I have to return to the UK and focus on the family business. It wouldn’t have been fair to whoever I got involved with, since I’m leaving no matter what.”
“It sounds like what you need is a fling. I’ll try to keep an eye out for you and send some hot guys your way.”
Alastair grinned and said, “Maybe that’s exactly what I need.”
Movement in my peripheral vision made me turn my head and look through the open doorway. TJ stood out on the street, and he put a duffle bag on the curb as he called, “Sorry to interrupt. I brought your stuff, I thought you might need it.”
Alastair let go of me quickly, as if we’d been caught doing something wrong, and I stepped outside and said, “Thank you. I, uh, didn’t hear your car.”
“I parked on the wrong block. They’re not big on street signs around here.”
“No, they’re not.” I shifted my weight from foot to foot.
Alastair asked me, “Is it alright if I go say hello to Chance? He was fantastic these past few weeks about keeping me in the loop, and I’d like to say thanks.”
“Of course. He’s on the patio.” Well, duh. The entire back wall was glass and there was a clear line of sight through the warehouse, so he could’ve figured that out for himself.
Alastair nodded, but instead of heading back, he walked down the path to the street, shook TJ’s hand, and said, “Cheers, mate, thanks for taking such good care of our Zachary. You truly went above and beyond, from what I hear.”
“I was happy to do it,” TJ muttered.
“Thanks all the same,” Alastair said. He turned and went inside, smiling at me on the way by.
TJ and I stood there awkwardly for a few moments. Finally, I said, “Thanks for bringing my stuff back.”
“It was no trouble. Besides, I wanted to see you and make sure you were okay. You seemed kind of upset earlier.”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay, good.” He hesitated, then said, “Well, I’d better go. Take care of yourself, Zachary. I’ll ask Murphy to come here on Tuesday for your appointment, instead of our apartment. I mean, my apartment.”
When he turned and started to leave, I called, “Wait,” and hurried to the end of the concrete path. That was as far as I could go, since I was barefoot and the road was gravel. “Why don’t you come in for a while?”
“You’re busy with Alastair and your friends. I’m sure they’re eager to spend time with you, since they haven’t seen you in weeks. I just wanted to bring you your things and see if you were alright, and now I have.”
He started to walk away again, and I called after him, “TJ, don’t go.”
“Go back inside, Zachary. I’ll talk to you soon.” He kept walking.
I muttered, “God, you’re stubborn,” and tried to follow him, but the jagged gravel cut into my feet. I stepped back onto the paved path and yelled across the growing distance between us, “Aren’t we going to talk about that kiss? I know I acted impulsively, but you kissed me back! And you know what? It was fucking amazing. Maybe I’m the only one who thought so, but holy shit! I was also thinking it was the best moment of my life, right before you pulled away and called it inappropriate. Why the hell was it inappropriate? And do not say it’s because of our age difference, because those numbers don’t mean a thing!”
TJ turned to look at me. After a pause, he backtracked a few feet and said, “While our age gap should give us both pause, I actually meant it’s inappropriate becaus
e you’re in recovery. You’re vulnerable right now, and kissing you crossed a line.”
“I spent weeks cuddled up to you. What’s the difference if our lips meet?”
“All of that was strictly platonic. I made sure of it. Okay, so some might argue the physical contact was inappropriate too, but that comfort was all I could provide. I’m not your doctor, or nurse, or therapist, so I couldn’t do anything else for you. But I could hold you when you needed to be held, as your friend.”
I knit my brows and said, “You know, I am actually a full-grown adult. So, why don’t you let me decide if I’m too vulnerable to kiss a guy I’m attracted to?”
“Because I’m supposed to be taking care of you, and I—”
“And you did! You took amazing care of me these past few weeks, and I’m grateful for every minute of it. But you don’t have to keep protecting me. I’m so much better now, and I’m perfectly capable of deciding if it’s appropriate to kiss a beautiful man.”
“Beautiful,” he repeated, trying to laugh it off as he colored a bit and looked past me.
“Yeah. Amazingly, stunningly beautiful, inside and out.” He turned partly away from me, and I asked, “TJ, are you attracted to me? Tell me honestly. Because here’s the thing: you kissed me back. I don’t mean to wave that like a flag, but you did. And I can’t help but think it means something.”
He didn’t say anything for a long minute. When he finally spoke, his voice was so soft. “I’ve been attracted to you since that Christmas party. Even before we were introduced, I noticed you across the room.”
“Why didn’t you come up and talk to me?”
“Lots of reasons.”
“Such as?”
“I didn’t want to be that creepy old man, hitting on guys my son’s age. I also didn’t want to embarrass Trevor by doing something inappropriate at a party with his husband’s family. I especially didn’t want to set myself up for guaranteed rejection by pursuing someone who was clearly out of my league.” He still wasn’t looking at me.
“I’m hardly out of your league.”
“Of course you are.”
“You have such a skewed sense of self.”
“Nope.”
“You do,” I said, “and you must be proven wrong every time you go to a bar and try to meet men. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of good-looking guys express an interest in you. That should give you a hint about how attractive you are.”
That made him turn to face me again, and he raised an eyebrow. “What about me suggests I’d be out cruising bars?”
“If not that, then how do you meet men?”
“I don’t.”
“Sure you do. You must.”
He frowned a little. “You just spent almost a month in my home. I wasn’t putting on an act, or pretending to be a hermit just to keep you company. That’s really who I am.”
“So…you just live like a monk?”
“Not quite. I’ve attempted a handful of relationships in my life, but they all failed spectacularly,” he said.
“Why?”
“Because no one wants to be with a boring hermit.”
“Except maybe another hermit. And you’re hardly boring.”
TJ watched me for a moment before saying, “Even if you weren’t in recovery, which you are, and even if I didn’t think this was horrible timing, because you have far more important things to focus on right now besides dating anyone, this is still a bad idea.”
“Why?”
“Because the last thing you need is a guy like me. I have nothing to offer. I’m just this uneducated ex-con who lives below the poverty line and fixes stuff, in a world where everyone would much rather throw away their broken shit and get something newer and bigger and better. I’m not what you need. You should be thinking about getting well, then college, and a career, and—”
“Don’t tell me what I need and what I don’t! And stop selling yourself short! I would be so lucky to end up with someone like you,” I said, “a man who’s gentle and kind and selfless, and who sees the value in what others consider junk. A man who sees the value in me, and thinks I’m worth saving.” My voice wavered, and I took a step back from him.
TJ closed the distance between us and grabbed me in an embrace. As I burrowed into his arms and held on tight, I whispered, “You want this TJ, just like me. I know you do.”
“It doesn’t matter what I want.”
“We can take it slowly,” I said. “I know things get complicated when sex is involved, and that’s not what I’m talking about. For now, we can just add kissing to the mix. Where’s the harm in that?”
“It won’t work.”
“Why not?”
“What we’re really talking about is becoming more than friends and starting a relationship, no matter how you frame it, and now’s just not the time. Like I said, your recovery has to be your focus right now, and this would be a huge distraction.” TJ kissed my forehead and let go of me. Then he said gently, “I’m going to go. I think we both need to take a breath after all of this. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
I sighed as I watched him walk away. I care about you too much to date you. That was the basic message. What was I supposed to do with that?
Chapter Fifteen
Life at Chance and Finn’s house was just bizarre. Even after a couple weeks, everyone was still being way too nice to me. They walked on eggshells, acted weirdly upbeat, and flashed big smiles every time I looked at them (except for Elijah, who totally got it and treated me like he always had).
I tried to be gracious, but reached my breaking point one morning when I came into the kitchen and Finn greeted me with a smile, a donut, and a peppy, “Hey buddy, how ya doing?”
I sighed and said, “Could we please just not?”
“Not what?”
“You know. This.” I drew a circle in the air to encompass his way too bright smile and the plate he was offering me.
“You don’t want the donut?”
I hesitated for a moment, then took the dish from him and said, “I do, actually. Thank you. But could you please stop trying so hard? I’m not going to go running back to the needle if you fail to treat me with kid gloves every minute of every day.”
His expression went neutral, and he said, “Good point. Sorry. I kinda suck at the whole people skills thing.”
“Hey, we actually have something in common.” I poured myself a cup of coffee, and said as he packed half a cruller into his mouth, “You know a cop horking down donuts is a total stereotype, right?”
He washed down the donut with a swig of coffee and said, “I know, but what was I going to do, slap the box out of Tony’s hands when my father-in-law brought them by this morning?”
“Nah. That’d just make you a donut-hating dick.”
“Exactly. Also, can I just say, I don’t understand that stereotype at all. Everybody loves donuts, not just cops.”
“Point taken.” I sat at the stainless steel counter that ran the length of the industrial kitchen and asked, “Is Chance driving Elijah to class?”
Finn nodded and leaned against the sink with his coffee mug. “And Tony picked up Colt so he could drive him to high school with Cory. He doesn’t trust MUNI. I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen if the kids take mass transit.” Even though escrow had closed on Tony’s house and he and Cory had moved out, they were over almost every day.
“He’s still figuring out the whole dad thing. It’s kind of sweet that he’s trying so hard.”
“I guess.”
“How was Elijah this morning?”
“So stressed out that he couldn’t eat breakfast. I don’t think Berkeley’s working out too well. He’s such a smart kid, but socially and emotionally, it’s just overwhelming for him.”
“You know what I was thinking? He should talk to Alastair about Saithmore when he comes to dinner tomorrow. I know it’s a lot more expensive, but maybe it’d be a better fit. It only has about nine thousand students, as
opposed to…what’s Berkeley now?”
“Around thirty-eight thousand, I think.”
I took a sip of coffee and said, “They might offer him a full scholarship, like the one he’s getting now. Math prodigies aren’t exactly common, and I bet any school would be happy to have him, Saithmore included.”
“It’s certainly worth looking into. He’d already have a friend on campus too, since he and Alastair are getting to know each other.” We’d all been getting to know him, actually. Alastair came over a couple times a week and seemed to enjoy the family atmosphere.
“Two people, as opposed to zero on the Berkeley campus,” I said. “Jessie’s brother Jed just started a graduate program at Saithmore.”
“Right. I forgot about that.”
Finn grinned a little, and I asked, “What?”
“We’re actually having a conversation,” he said. “I don’t think we’ve ever done that before.”
“I was too busy being epically awkward around you. Sorry about that.”
“You weren’t.”
I rolled my eyes. “Liar.”
“I guess we both just had to get to know each other a bit.”
“It didn’t help that I was an addict and you’re a cop. I was always on guard around you.”
Finn picked out another donut and said, “I want you to know I think it’s great, the way you’re turning your life around.”
“Thanks. I’ve had a lot of help.”
“Out of curiosity, are you and TJ a couple now?”
I shook my head. “We’re in limbo, I guess. He doesn’t want to start anything while I’m in recovery. But when exactly does recovery end? In six months? Twelve? I feel like staying clean is going to be a life-long process. A year from now, and five years from now, I’m still going to be working on it. I’m sure the urge to use won’t be strong by then, but I think I’ll always have to stay vigilant.”
“I see what you mean.”
I drank some more coffee before saying, “I get why he wants to wait. It’s smart. But I want to be with him more than anything. What if TJ’s the person I’m meant to spend forever with?”
“Then I suppose he’ll still be that in a few weeks or months, or whenever he thinks you’re ready for this,” Finn said.