by Alexa Land
“But the wait is killing me.”
“I can imagine, but what he’s saying makes sense. You hope for the best with any new relationship, but sometimes they don’t go as planned. If it didn’t work out, what are the chances you could stay clean while getting over a broken heart, given where you are right now in your recovery?”
“Not great,” I admitted as I crossed my arms over my chest.
“So, I guess just try to be patient.”
“I’m trying. I’m excited about seeing him tonight.” We’d decided to keep our tradition of Tuesday and Thursday dinner with Murphy at TJ’s apartment, and I’d be going over to help him cook in seven and a half hours. Not that I was counting or anything.
“I wish you luck.” Finn rinsed his hands, and as he dried them with a dishtowel, he said, “I’m going to the gym. I need to work out twice as hard after this breakfast. Want to come along? I can get you a guest pass.”
“Oh hell no. Jesus. Let’s not go crazy with this whole healthy lifestyle thing, just because I kicked heroin.”
“Suit yourself.”
“You’d better get going,” I said. “You’re throwing off my schedule. I have a full morning of lying on your couch to get to. That ceiling isn’t going to stare at itself.”
*****
I lasted about an hour, rattling around the house on my own. Attempts at reading failed miserably, because I couldn’t stop thinking about TJ. Finally, I showered and got dressed, then rode a few buses across town.
When I got to TJ’s neighborhood, I stopped by a junk shop, pointed to a TV, and asked the sales clerk, “Does that work?” He nodded, and I said, “Do you have any that don’t?” He stared at me like I was insane, but after I assured him I was serious, he went to look in the back.
He returned about five minutes later with a bulbous, ancient set that was in three pieces. “Nice,” I said. “How much? Just to warn you, I only have four dollars and eighty-seven cents.”
The man raised an eyebrow, then said, “In that case, let say it’s four dollars and eighty-seven cents. I guess that’s better than throwing it in the dumpster.”
“Perfect.” I pulled a couple wadded bills and a fistful of change from my pocket and dumped it into his hand, then tucked the remains of the TV under my arm and headed for the door.
TJ’s shop was three blocks over. When I reached it, I lingered on the street for a moment and watched him through the glass. He was at his workbench, but instead of being his usual productive self, he just sat there staring into space. After a moment, I realized I was being such a stalker and pushed the door open.
“Hey,” he said. “I thought you were coming over at five.”
“I still am. I just stopped by to see if you could fix my television.” I heaped the busted relic onto his workbench and pulled up my best serious expression.
“What happened to it?”
“It fell out a window.” That was probably the truth. “Can you fix it?”
He removed the plastic housing and peered at its insides. “I can try, but a lot of it’s missing and I might not have the parts.”
I muttered, “Man, four dollars and eighty-seven cents doesn’t buy what it used to.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
TJ watched me for a moment, then said, “How about if I trade you this broken set for one of those?” He gestured at the wall of televisions. “They all work. Take your pick.”
“I’m attached to that one, though.”
“Does it have sentimental value?”
“No.”
He smiled and sat back on his stool. “This wouldn’t be an excuse to come see me, would it?”
I widened my eyes and pressed my palm to my chest. “As if I could be that deceptive.”
“You don’t need an excuse, you know. If you want to see me, you can just come on over.”
“I wish you’d told me that four dollars and eighty-seven cents ago.”
“Did someone sell this to you for actual money?”
“Yes.”
“That’s a crime.”
“I’ll send Finn over later to arrest him.” TJ started tinkering with the broken set, and I exclaimed, “Oh my God, you’re actually trying to resurrect that corpse of a television!”
“Maybe.”
“Not that I don’t have faith in you, but that one’s going to take Victor Frankenstein, a faith healer, and me throwing it in the trash and replacing it with a new one when you’re not looking.”
He snapped two of the pieces together and grinned as he said, “It’s better already.”
“Well done.”
“How are you, Zachary? How are things at home?”
“It still feels weird to be back, but I guess that’ll pass eventually. I was a drug user the whole time I lived there, so now it seems like it belongs to my old life. Plus, everyone’s still being way too nice to me. I expected that to die down by now.”
“That must be annoying.”
“It is, but I know they mean well,” I said. “One positive is that Finn and I are finally becoming friends, which I never expected. We had a good talk this morning, and he says he’s going to make an effort to treat me like a normal person instead of killing me with kindness. That bonding session was thanks to you, incidentally.”
“How so?”
“I woke up happy, because I knew I’d be seeing you today. That carried over into my conversation with Finn.” TJ got up and pulled me into a hug, and I told him, “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too.”
I held him tightly as I asked, “What do you think about me coming over every day to build wind-up toys? Seeing you two days a week isn’t enough. Plus, I’m way too idle now. Even after I return to work next week, it’ll just be for two lunch shifts to ease me back in.”
“Of course you can come over. I think keeping busy is important,” he said.
“Well, good. I thought you’d make the argument that seeing you every day was too much, that it would contradict the whole ‘just friends’ façade we’ve been working on.”
“Façade?”
“You know we’re more than that. No matter what we say, no matter what we do, here’s the truth.” I slid my hand behind his neck and kissed him deeply. TJ clutched me in an embrace and returned the kiss with passion and hunger and need. He needed this as much as I did, I knew that without a doubt. But still, he pulled back after a moment and said, “We can’t.”
“We already are,” I whispered, before kissing him again. I felt his cock swelling, just like mine was, and I ground my hips against his as I slid my hands under the hem of his shirt and caressed his back. When he cupped my ass and pulled me against him, I tilted my head back and drew in a sharp breath, and he kissed my neck before finding my lips again and sliding his tongue in my mouth.
We were so wrapped up in the moment that neither of us heard the door. When a startled voice exclaimed, “Oh Jesus,” TJ and I jumped apart like we’d been caught committing a crime.
TJ’s son was standing there with a stunned expression, clutching a big, wicker basket. “Shit. Sorry,” Trevor stammered. “I wasn’t paying attention when I came into the shop, so I didn’t see you two, um, you know, until I was already inside, and…wow. Sorry.”
“I, uh, I didn’t know you were coming by,” TJ said. He was blushing deeply, and he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
“No. I know. I didn’t call. You haven’t come to the restaurant in a few weeks, so I thought I’d bring you a few of the new dishes.” He put the basket on the workbench and took a step back. It contained at least a dozen plastic containers and takeout boxes. “Those are some of the new recipes the chef and I came up with for fall. They…um….” He seemed to lose his train of thought, and blinked at me.
TJ went into full rambling mode. “Thanks. Uh, you know Zachary Paleki, right? I think you have some mutual friends.” Trevor nodded, and TJ told me, “My son’s a chef’s apprentice. He work
s at his brother-in-law Dante’s restaurant. I used to visit every other weekend, when they’d experiment with new recipes. Is it hot in here? I think it’s hot. I’m going to turn on the fan.”
He bolted into the storeroom, leaving Trevor and me to stare at each other. So. Incredibly. Awkward. After a moment, Trevor stammered, “Sorry. Again. I didn’t mean to, you know.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m gonna go,” he said, pointing at the door.
“Okay. I’m sorry, too. The last thing I wanted was to cause problems between you and your father.”
“You didn’t. Tell TJ I’ll talk to him later, okay?” When I nodded, Trevor turned and bolted, just like his dad. He didn’t run, but there was some definite power-walking involved.
As the door swung shut behind him, I swore under my breath. I was mortified, but tried to keep my tone light as I called, “You can come out now. Your son left.”
TJ appeared in the doorway, looking contrite. “Sorry I ran off and left you. I had to go and, you know. Calm down.” He gestured at the general vicinity of his groin and turned red.
“I know, don’t worry about it. You’d better put that food in the fridge. It looks delicious, and it’d be a shame if it went bad. I’ll talk to you later.”
I turned and headed for the door, and he called, “Where are you going?”
“I’ve caused enough problems for one morning. I’ll be back at five to help make dinner, like we planned.”
“You don’t have to leave.”
“I do, though. See you later.” I pushed the door open and headed down the street. As soon as I was out of sight of TJ’s shop, I leaned against a building and swore quietly. I had such an uncanny ability to fuck everything up. I pressed my eyes shut and took a deep breath, then pushed off the wood siding and kept walking.
When I emerged from TJ’s narrow street, I found Trevor on the sidewalk beside a black SUV, firing off a text. I should have kept walking, but instead I paused and said, “When you tell your husband about this, I’d appreciate it if you mention the fact that I’m an ex-prostitute. What you saw back there wasn’t a business arrangement.”
Trevor looked up at me. His eyes were eerily similar to his father’s, that same unique shade of greenish blue. “I didn’t think it was.”
“Okay, good.”
“So, um, how long have you and my dad been going out?”
“We’re not. We’d like to, but we can’t.”
“Why not?”
I decided to go with total honesty. “Until a few weeks ago, I was a heroin addict. TJ doesn’t think it’s the right time to get involved, because he worries it’ll interfere with my recovery. Your dad helped me get clean. He let me stay in his apartment and took care of me while I went through the hell of withdrawal. Then he helped me get stronger. That’s why you didn’t see him last month, because he never left my side.”
“I had no idea.”
I hesitated, then blurted, “I can only imagine what you must think of me, and just so you know, I don’t think I’m good enough for your dad, either. Not by a long shot. He deserves so much better than an ex-whore and a junkie. But I’m so damn crazy about him, Trevor. He’s the kindest, gentlest, most beautiful man I’ve ever met in my entire life, and I must seem like the absolute worst thing for him, but I’m not. If he gives this relationship a chance, I’m going to spend every single day trying to make him happy and taking care of him like he takes care of me, because that’s what he deserves.”
I turned and started down the sidewalk, but Trevor said softly, “Zachary, wait.” When I paused and looked back at him, he closed the distance between us. “It caught me off guard back there, because I had no idea my father was seeing anyone. And, okay, maybe I didn’t expect him to get involved with someone my age. But I don’t think badly of you. I never have.”
“Why not? You and I know a lot of the same people, so you must have heard rumors about my past.”
“I have heard a lot about you, but I don’t listen to rumors. They’re usually total B.S.,” he said. “I do listen to my son Josh, though. He talks about you all the time and thinks the world of you. He says you’re always nice to him and that you’re a good listener. He also says you’re shy and quiet, just like he is, and that you got to be friends because whenever I drag him to a party, you both end up reading in the same quiet hiding place. You know who else is exactly like that? My dad. It makes me think you just might be the perfect person for TJ.”
“I didn’t realize Josh talks about me.”
“I’m lucky. My son and I are close, and he tells me everything. I hope that doesn’t change now that he’s in high school.”
“It probably won’t. I can’t imagine Josh doing the typical teenager thing, given how mature he is for his age. He always seems like he has it all figured out, far more than I ever will.”
“I feel the same way sometimes, but don’t tell him I said that. I’m trying to maintain this illusion of a wise parent with all the answers, but some days it’s just like you said, I think he’s the one who has it all figured out, not me.” I grinned at that, and Trevor watched me for a moment, then said, “You need to come to Sunday dinner at Nana’s. Josh, Vincent and I will be there. Maybe TJ will actually be willing to show up if the request comes from you.”
“I’ll talk to him about it. No guarantees, though. He’s good at making excuses.”
“He is. Well, I’d better get going, I have an appointment. See you soon, hopefully.” Trevor climbed into the SUV, and before he shut the door, he said, “You should go back to the shop. I get why he doesn’t want to rush anything, but I suspect TJ needs you as much as you need him.”
After he drove away, I stood on the sidewalk for a few moments, trying to figure out what to do next. Finally, I headed back down the shaded little street. When I reached the shop, the door was locked with a ‘closed’ sign in the window, so I pulled out my phone. TJ answered on the second ring, and I said, “I’m back for my television. Is it fixed yet?”
“Hey. Where are you?”
“Downstairs. I just spoke to Trevor.”
“You did?”
“It hadn’t actually been my intention to chase him down, but I ran into him on the sidewalk and we had a good talk. He actually seems to approve of this. You and me, I mean. Go figure.”
“Why wouldn’t he?”
“Um, because I’m his age, an ex-prostitute and a former heroin addict?” I said. “Who in their right mind would want that for their father?”
“Trevor’s not the judgmental type.”
“So I see. I think it helps that I had an ace in the hole.”
TJ appeared at the door and let me in. We both pocketed our phones as he asked, “Josh?”
“Right. How’d you know?”
“That kid thinks the world of you. He told me all about you, months ago. I assume he told his dads the same thing.”
“I’m surprised. I didn’t think I’d made much of an impression on him.”
TJ said, “Oh, you did. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, aside from Emma and you. Most kids his age think he’s weird because he’s quiet and always reading. He told me you accept and understand him. That meant everything to Josh.”
“He’s a great kid.”
We’d reached the work table, and TJ leaned against it and asked, “Why’d you run off a few minutes ago?”
“I felt guilty, because I thought I’d caused problems between you and your son. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do.”
“Next time, stay and talk to me about it, okay?” I nodded, and TJ asked, “Do you still want to hang out with me and build things?”
“Yeah, as long as it doesn’t disrupt your day too much.”
He said, “Well, I do have to raise a decrepit television from the dead, but it can wait.”
“You’re not really going to try to fix that scrap pile I brought in, are you?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
I grinned at that. “Next
time, I’ll try to give you more to work with.”
“Nah. I like a challenge.”
When we were seated around the workbench with our projects spread out in front of us, I glanced at TJ and asked, “What are you doing Sunday evening?”
“I have no plans, besides a nice cup of coffee and a good book. Why do you ask?”
“I want you to have dinner with me.”
“Love to.”
“At Nana’s.” He looked like he wanted to protest, but I said, “You and I both need to get out more, you know that. Plus, Trevor and his husband Vincent will be there, and so will Josh. It’s the perfect opportunity to spend time with your family.”
“But I won’t get to do that. I’ve heard about these Sunday dinners. Vincent’s grandmother turns them into a huge spectacle. Sometimes she even films them for her cable TV cooking show. My son’s the camera operator for some reason, so there won’t be time to talk. We’ll all just get caught up in the Nana vortex.”
“And that’s fine, too. We can invite Trevor and his husband and son over any time for a nice, quiet evening, but on Sunday, let’s just go have fun. I went to a few of those family dinners when my friend Jessie worked as Nana’s chauffeur, so I know they can be a lot of laughs. Doesn’t that sound appealing?”
“It sounds overwhelming.”
“It doesn’t have to be. Actually, when you think about it, there’s no pressure. Everyone’s going to be caught up in some activity or another, between cooking and possibly filming. Half the time, it all goes completely haywire. That means there won’t be much room for awkward chit chat, not with that whirlwind of activity,” I said. “Plus, it would mean a lot to Trevor.”
“Did he say that?”
“He invited us.”
“Maybe he was just being polite.”
“Or maybe he wants to see his dad.”
TJ thought about it as his long, graceful fingers took apart a tiny wind-up snail and put it back together. Finally he said, “Okay, we’ll go. But what’ll we tell people when they ask about you and me? And I’m sure they’ll ask.”
“We’ll tell them the truth. We’ll say we’ve just begun dating, but we’re taking it slowly while I’m in recovery.” His hands stilled, and he looked at me as I said softly, “It would be a lie to tell them we’re just friends. We’ve been so much more than that for a long time. You know that just like I do, TJ. Whether we act on it or not, that fact doesn’t change.”