Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  It had taken a couple months, but eventually we’d started having sex again. TJ had been determined to get back to that point, instead of letting the disease take it from us. The counselor Murph had found for TJ helped a lot. My boyfriend kept making progress, day by day, and was learning to cope with his anger, fear, and worry. He was also making a real effort to confide in me, rather than trying to shield me from any negative thoughts, and we were closer than ever.

  We fell onto the bed, kissing passionately, and soon he peeled off my T-shirt and ran his hands down my body. I took off his shirt too, and as I kissed his shoulder, he surprised me by saying, “I need you inside me, Zachary. I mean, if you’re willing.” That was the one thing we still hadn’t done. In the wake of all TJ had been dealing with, he just hadn’t been able to make himself that vulnerable.

  “Of course I am.” I kissed him deeply and ran my hands down his back. He’d started going to the gym (we both had, in an effort to get even healthier), and his body felt strong and solid under my fingertips.

  We stripped down and explored each other like it was the first time, with our tongues and hands and lips, touching and tasting every part, every inch. I worked him open gradually with my fingers and plenty of lube, while I kissed and held him. Finally, when we both thought he was ready, I rolled on a condom and slowly, so very slowly, sank into his body.

  He held my gaze as I entered him, and once I felt him open up a little, I began to move in him. Love and trust shone in his eyes, and it was beautiful. He was beautiful. “I wish I had the words to tell you how much I love you,” I said softly.

  TJ grinned a little and said, “You don’t need words. You show me all the time.”

  We made love tenderly. When I finished, he put on a condom and slid inside me, and I sighed with pleasure. He pushed in deep, stretching me open, and it felt so good to have him in me. I smiled at him, and the smile I got in return was radiant.

  Afterwards, we showered together, taking our time, washing each other as we talked and laughed. Then we toweled off and padded to the kitchen naked. Any self-consciousness we’d once felt had fallen by the wayside a long time ago.

  TJ broke off part of a croissant and fed it to me as we leaned against the kitchen counter. I grinned at him and said around a mouthful of food, “This is the best birthday ever.”

  That made him chuckle, and he told me, “I haven’t even given you my gift yet.”

  “What happened back in the bedroom was already a great birthday present.” I picked out a cube of honeydew melon from the fruit salad and fed it to him.

  “That was just the preamble,” he told me. TJ opened a kitchen cabinet and took out a beautifully wrapped package with metallic giftwrap and a silver bow on top. As he put it in my hands, he said, “This is your actual present. Happy birthday, Zachary.”

  The box and lid were wrapped separately, so the top could be removed without tearing the paper. When I opened it, I exclaimed, “Oh my God!” TJ had made me a silver house, maybe four inches square, out of the same types of materials we used for our wind-up toys. It was intricately detailed, right down to the flowers in the boxes beneath the tiny, glass windows.

  “Wind the doorknob to the right until it stops,” he said as I lifted it out of the box.

  When I did as he instructed, a song started to play, and I exclaimed, “You made me a music box! Thank you, TJ, I love it!”

  He grinned a little. “Give it a minute.”

  As the song reached its conclusion, the wide front door swung open slowly. Then a pair of turtles popped out through the open doorway, and I gasped and started laughing. The slightly smaller of the two rode on the other’s shell, and both had their heads back and their legs stretched out, as if they were flying like Superman. They hovered outside the door on a spring, bobbing in midair with smiles on their tiny faces. “Holy crap, that’s amazing,” I said.

  “It does one more thing.” TJ seemed nervous all of a sudden. “Wind the top of the chimney three turns to the right.”

  I followed his instructions, and another song started to play. Then a flagpole popped up behind the house, and a tiny flag climbed up it. The flag was engraved with two words: Marry me. I drew in my breath and looked at TJ, and he colored a little and grasped the bobbing turtles. When he pushed down the shell of the turtle on top, it popped open to reveal a ring.

  He picked it up and took my hand. “Please say yes, Zachary.”

  “Yes! God yes! Of course I’ll marry you!” He smiled at me, and when he slid the ring on my finger, I realized he’d made it, too. The bronze band was artfully inset with tiny gears. It was pure TJ, a little piece of him I’d get to carry with me always. My heart swelled with love and happiness.

  I put the house on the counter and grabbed him in a hug, and as I held him tight, he said, “So, I don’t suppose you’d want to marry me…today.”

  I pulled back a few inches to look at him. “Really?”

  He nodded. “I made a reservation at City Hall. We don’t have to do this now, no pressure. I can always call and postpone. But just in case you feel like getting married right away…well, we have that option.”

  I laughed, totally overcome with joy, and said, “Absolutely! Let’s get married right now!”

  TJ smiled at me as he ran his hands down my back. “Our appointment with the Justice of the Peace is in two hours. You’re totally sure you want to do this today?”

  “God yes. I can’t wait to be your husband!”

  “Okay, good. In that case, I just need to make one call.” He reached for his phone, which was beside us on the counter, and tapped the screen. When his son’s voice came over the speaker, TJ yelled, “He said yes!”

  Trevor let out a whoop. So did a couple people in the background. “See you there!” Trevor exclaimed. “Oh, and congratulations to you both!”

  “See you soon,” TJ told him.

  When he disconnected, I said, “I need to call my dad! He has to be there.”

  “Already taken care of. Trevor’s in charge of calling your dad and your friends and letting them know you agreed to run off to City Hall. He was just waiting for the go-ahead. Everyone cleared their schedules for this afternoon, and they’ll meet us there.”

  “My dad knew about this ahead of time?” TJ nodded, and I exclaimed, “He didn’t say a word! He didn’t give anything away, either, and I just saw him!”

  “Remind me never to play poker with that man. He actually came by this morning to wish me luck, and to have a man-to-man talk.” TJ grinned and said, “He made me swear I’d take care of you. I promised I would, but I also told him you and I actually take care of each other.”

  *****

  Later on, as we were getting dressed to go to City Hall, I asked, “I’m curious why you wanted to get married today, instead of being engaged for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that you planned all of this for me! I just wondered what made you decide to buck tradition.”

  TJ sat on the bed, buttoning the cuffs of his white dress shirt, and thought about that for a few moments. Finally, he leaned back with his hands behind him, propping him up, and said, “I made you that ring last November. The plan had been to give it to you on Christmas, but then I got diagnosed and went into a tailspin. God, I was so messed up. And I thought…well, a marriage proposal felt like I was asking you to saddle yourself with me and all my problems. I didn’t want to be a burden to you.”

  “You could never be that, TJ.”

  “I felt like it, though. I couldn’t ask you to be my husband until I was able to stand before you as an equal partner, someone who could take care of you just like you take care of me and give you the love and support you deserve. A big part of that was me coming to terms with my diagnosis. I had to really believe I was going to be okay before asking you to commit to me.”

  “I’m so grateful you got to that place.”

  “I am too,” TJ said. “And now that I’m back to who I used to be before all the grief and all that turm
oil, I don’t want to waste any more time. I want you to be my husband, and I want to be yours, right now, today.”

  I kissed him and said, “Best gift ever.”

  *****

  We’d arrived a bit early at San Francisco’s gorgeous, historical City Hall. I looked around in awe at the classically beautiful building as I clutched TJ’s hand. We were at the top of a grand staircase under the high, domed ceiling, waiting for everyone to arrive. Two other couples had gotten married since we’d been there. It was the perfect place for a wedding, because there was so much love in the air.

  My dad was at my side, fidgeting with his suit. Trevor and Vincent were holding hands to my right, and so were Darwin and Josh. Between the two couples, a little baby boy and girl with dark hair slept in their double stroller. Josh kept checking on his siblings and adjusted their blankets to make sure they were warm and cozy. He was flourishing in his role as a big brother and beamed with pride when a passerby told him the babies were adorable.

  The twins had come into the world healthy and right on time the month before. They’d been named after Trevor and Vincent’s fathers, so the little girl was Paulina, Lina for short, in honor of Paulie Dombruso, who’d died when Vincent was a kid. They called Lina’s brother Trey, which was short for Trevor James (the dads made a point of telling us the baby was named for TJ, since Trevor didn’t have a middle name). TJ had been overcome with emotion when he found out they were giving the baby his name. Lina and Trey Dean-Dombruso had been born into such a loving family, and I was so happy that I’d get to be a part of it and watch them grow up.

  Elijah and his family arrived, and there were hugs all around. “Congratulations, Zachary,” Chance said as he held me tight.

  I told him, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  Colt gave me a quick hug next, and Finn slapped my back as he embraced me and said, “Congratulations, my friend. I couldn’t be happier for you.”

  Then Elijah gathered TJ and me into a group hug and told us, “I love you both, and I’m so glad you found each other.”

  After Eli let go of us and stepped back shyly, my dad exclaimed, “Oh shit, I almost forgot something,” and pulled me aside.

  We walked over to one of the marble pillars that framed the lavish public space, and my dad took something from his pocket. “I know this wedding was kind of sprung on you,” he said, “so I figured you didn’t have time to get TJ a ring.” He picked up my hand and put a beautiful, antique silver band in my palm. “This was my grandad’s. His name was Cyryl Paleki. You never knew him, but he was a good man, kind and smart. A lot like you, actually. Anyway, I had this in my storage unit, and I thought, you know, if you wanted to give it to your husband, you could do that.” He cleared his throat and looked away embarrassedly.

  I hugged him and said, “Thank you, Dad. This means everything to me. So does the fact that you’re here for my wedding.”

  “TJ’s a good man. I wasn’t sure about him at first, which isn’t news to you. All I ever wanted was for you to find someone who truly loves you and treats you right, and now I know he does that.”

  I kissed his cheek and said, “I’m glad I have your blessing.”

  My dad grinned a little. “Did you know that TJ came to see me last week? He actually asked me for your hand in marriage, real old-fashioned-like. I thought that was nice.”

  I watched my fiancé over my shoulder. He was so handsome in his gray suit, and he looked wonderfully happy. I said softly, “He’s one in a million.”

  TJ was shaking hands with Alastair and Rollie, and the new arrivals waved to me. Murphy appeared at the top of the stairs a moment later, and he and TJ grabbed each other in a huge, back-slapping hug. “That must be just about everyone,” I told my dad as I put the ring in the pocket of my blue suit. “I guess we’ll get started soon.”

  Dad and I returned to our little group, and I drew TJ into my arms and whispered, “I love you so much.”

  He kissed me tenderly and smiled at me as he said, “I love you too, Zachary. Thank you for agreeing to be my husband.”

  “Thank you for wanting to be mine.”

  “More than anything.”

  I kept my arms around my fiancé as I called to Trevor, “Everyone who was planning to come must be here now, right?”

  He grinned and said, “Not quite. Let’s give it just a minute.”

  I rested my head on TJ’s shoulder, and he whispered in my ear, “I’m taking you camping on our honeymoon. Don’t tell anyone, or else they’ll all show up, and I need some private time with my gorgeous, sexy husband.”

  “I’ll keep it a secret.” I kissed him again, and then I looked around us and said, “Thank you for picking City Hall for our wedding, it was the perfect choice.”

  “Do you really like it?”

  I nodded. “It’s beautiful in here, and so full of love with all those other couples getting married before and after us.” I smiled and told him, “A big wedding party just came into the lobby, and they look pretty festive.” Below us, a colorful group was headed for the enormous staircase. Some of them wore bright, tie-died T-shirts, and many held balloons and flowers, while several others waved large pride flags as if they were in a parade and brought the lobby to life in a rainbow of color. A few drag queens were at the head of the group, looking radiant in their sparkling dresses, and the party was led by a tiny, little old lady in a big, rainbow-colored wig and heart-shaped sunglasses, who led the charge up the stairs. After a moment, I said, “Oh, that’s Nana.”

  Trevor beamed at us and said, “Nobody was going to miss your wedding.”

  My mouth fell open as a big, bright, rainbow-colored circle formed around TJ and me. I picked so many friendly faces out of the crowd: Nana’s husband Ollie and his friend Ignacio. Jessie, Kai and Izzy, along with Jessie’s brother Jed and Kai’s grandma Kiki. Skye and Dare and their friend Haley. Cole and Miranda, my coworkers from the restaurant, and Jamie and Dmitri and their little daughter Lily. Josh’s best friend Emma was in the crowd, and she started chatting with Alastair and Rollie. Mr. Mario and his boyfriend looked beautiful in drag, and they squeezed in beside River and his friend Yoshi. Sawyer smiled and flashed me a thumbs-up as he stepped into the circle. His friends Ari and Reese were with him, bold and gorgeous in their gowns and makeup. Dante and his husband Charlie, Christian and Shea, and Christopher Robin and Kieran laughed and joked together. All those people and more joined us. Gabriel rushed in right at the end, wearing sunglasses and a wide-brimmed hat and holding his friend Scottie’s hand. He pulled off the glasses and gave me a huge smile. He looked good, healthy and happy.

  I was overcome with emotion and gratitude, and I turned to TJ and stammered, “They’re all here for us.”

  He nodded, looking around in awe, and I reached up and brushed a tear from his cheek. “I can’t believe it,” he said softly. “So many people. How did this happen?”

  I knew the answer to that. Over the last few months, acquaintances had become friends, and friends had become family. It happened over camping trips and Sunday dinners and get-togethers at Nana’s and Trevor’s and Chance’s and Jessie’s houses, and more. Every person we let into our lives brought a couple more people with them. And they’d all shown up for our wedding! It was touching and humbling and absolutely glorious.

  “It’s time,” someone said, and a cheerful Justice of the Peace stepped forward.

  TJ and I joined hands, and I laughed and whispered, “Holy shit, we’re getting married!”

  That made him laugh too, and he squeezed my hand and told me, “I adore you, Zachary.”

  “I adore you too, TJ, more than I can ever say.”

  On my twenty-fifth birthday, surrounded by friends and family and so much love, I married TJ, my partner. My soulmate. My heart. I promised to love and care for him all my life. He promised the same in return. After a short, sweet ceremony, the wedding official pronounced us husbands. We kissed while every
one cheered. I was so happy, happier than I ever thought possible, as I drew TJ into my arms and held on to my forever.

  The End

  ######

  Thank you for reading!

  The series will continue in late 2016 and will include a novella narrated by Dante Dombruso, which brings the arson investigation to a conclusion. Additional Firsts and Forever novels will follow. As always, old friends will make appearances, new characters will be introduced, questions will be answered, and love will win.

  A Firsts and Forever Series Family Tree is located at the end of this book.

  For more by Alexa Land, please visit her Amazon author page:

  http://www.amazon.com/Alexa-Land/e/B00AR2EJ76

  Find Alexa on Facebook at:

  https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100008216261875

  on Twitter @AlexaLandWrites

  And on her blog:

  http://alexalandwrites.blogspot.com/

  The Firsts and Forever Family Tree

  Who's Who and How They're Related

  The Dombruso Family:

  Sicilian-American family with roots in organized crime

  Dante, Vincent, Gianni and Mikey Dombruso (in order from oldest to youngest) are brothers.

  They were raised by their grandmother, Stana Dombruso (Nana), after their parents were killed.

  Nico Dombruso is their cousin (one of many).

  Dante is married to Charlie

  Vincent's husband is Trevor

  Josh is Vincent and Trevor's adopted son

  Gianni is dating Zan Tillane

  Mikey is dating a woman named Marie. He’s a widower with three sons.

  Nana had three sons: Paulie, Alberto and a third I have yet to name:

  Paulie was Dante, Vincent, Gianni and Mikey's dad. He was killed when they were little.