All I Ever Wanted

by Alexa Land

  Cole’s mom greeted both of us with a hug, and I offered her my condolences. Her pale complexion was red and mottled and her blue eyes were swollen, so I knew she’d been crying. But Sonya Ealy’s tone was all business as she said, “A rabbi is on his way from Idaho Falls. He was the closest one I could find who was willing to drive out here. I’ve made all the arrangements, the burial is at seven. The funeral director didn’t understand why I was in such a hurry. Twenty-three years in business, and apparently this is the first time he’s buried a Jew.”

  “Where is she?” Cole’s voice was little more than a whisper.

  “She’s in the back room. Doc Brown is acting as shomer.”

  I asked, “What’s a shomer?”

  “It’s like a guardian. You’re not supposed to leave the deceased alone for even a minute, it’s disrespectful.”

  Cole stared at his mother, then asked, “Are you making this up as you go along?”

  “I Googled it, if you must know. Did you bring your kippah like I asked you to?” I was surprised when he produced the round, fabric head covering from his pocket. She nodded at that, then said, “Tell me you also brought a suit.”

  “We both did. Where should we change?”

  “Go into Doc Brown’s office and tell Lydia the secretary I sent you. And hurry, please! People have been filtering in all day to offer their condolences. How would it look if they saw you in your swimsuits?”

  We hadn’t taken the time to change after the party, but we’d swung by our apartments and quickly packed some clothes before getting on the road. As we returned to the van to retrieve our luggage, I asked, “So, the funeral is at seven today?”

  “Apparently. It’s Jewish tradition to bury someone as quickly as possible after they die.” Cole frowned a little and said, “My mom was never particularly religious. Neither was Gram. I don’t get why it’s important to her all of a sudden to follow tradition.”

  “Maybe it’s out of respect for her mother,” I said. “Or maybe she just thinks following Jewish custom is the right thing to do.”

  “I suppose, but it bothers me. It seems like she’s putting on a show, but for whose benefit?” I didn’t have an answer for that.

  After we both washed up a bit and changed into suits and ties in the doctor’s restroom, we rejoined Mrs. Ealy in the funeral home. A couple older ladies were with her, and Mrs. Ealy introduced them, then said, “Ladies, you remember my son Cole, and this is his partner, River Flynn-Hernandez.”

  I was pleasantly surprised at that introduction, less so by the pinched expressions that contorted both ladies’ faces before they pulled up fake smiles. “Of course we remember Cole,” one of them said. “I thought he ran off to marry that little blond boy, what was his name? One of the Jacobs’ children.”

  “Hunter.” Cole managed to pack a surprising amount of venom into those two syllables, and his mother shot him a warning look. He took a breath and managed to sound almost cheerful as he added, “That didn’t work out. We’re still friends though, and he’s married to a great guy now, an ex-Marine. You’d like him.”

  The two women wasted little time in wrapping up the conversation and hurrying from the building. As soon as they were gone, Mrs. Ealy shot her son a look and said, “You’ve been back ten minutes, and already you’re ruffling feathers! Out of respect for your Gram, can you dial back the hostility a bit?”

  “I was just stating a simple fact,” he muttered. “If I’d wanted to ruffle feathers, I could have told them that Hunter went on to become a famous gay porn star. I would have loved to see their reaction.”

  His mother frowned at him and said, “You and I both know you’d never do that to Hunter, because it would get back to his family.” I was a bit surprised that Hunter’s former profession wasn’t news to her.

  Cole looked contrite. “You’re right, I wouldn’t. I can’t stand those two women though, especially Mrs. Moffatt. Why were you being so nice to her? I know you haven’t forgotten the time she tried to get the whole town to sign a petition banning me from the boys’ locker room at school because of my ‘perversion’.”

  “That was just stupid though, and the principal tore it up when it reached his desk.”

  “It still hurt.”

  “I know, but this isn’t the time or place to stir up that hornet’s nest,” his mother told him.

  He was quiet for a moment before saying, “Is it alright if I go in and see Gram?”

  Her expression softened. “Of course, honey.”

  I asked, “Do you want me to come with you?”

  He considered the question before saying quietly, “Thanks River, but I think I need a little time alone to say goodbye.”

  I nodded, then watched him as he crossed the room and stepped through a door decorated with a faded, silk flower wreath. After a few moments, I murmured, “I still can’t believe she’s gone.”

  “Me neither. It was just so sudden. She complained about a terrible headache around lunchtime yesterday and told me she was going to lie down. She had migraines off and on throughout her life, and she’d had two or three in the last week, so I didn’t think anything of it. When I went into her room a few hours later to see if she wanted some dinner, she was already gone.” She started sobbing, and I put my arm around her shoulders. Her voice was so small when she said, “Doc said she had a stroke. Those migraines leading up to it were probably related. I didn’t know, River. I should have gotten her help, but I didn’t know. She was always so healthy! I never expected anything like this.”

  “It’s not your fault. Come and sit down, Mrs. Ealy.”

  “You don’t have to be so formal, River. You’re family, and you know you can call me Sonya.”

  She perched on the edge of a blue velvet chair and smoothed her black skirt before fidgeting with her jacket. I asked, “Is there anything I can do to help? We have a few hours before the funeral. Maybe I could make some food, if you’re planning to have people over to the house afterwards.”

  “There’s no need. My friend Virginia is at the house now. She’s cleaning up a bit for me, and she said people have been dropping off casseroles all day. It’s odd. I only have a handful of friends in this town. My mother had even fewer. Why are people who never bothered with us when she was alive suddenly making a point of being neighborly?” She looked up at me and pushed a tendril of blonde hair out of her teary eyes as she said, “You know what? As I was talking, I think I figured it out. The two ladies who were just here offering their condolences said they wouldn’t be able to make it to the funeral tonight because it was such short notice. As if their social calendars are so busy! I bet those casseroles are the rest of the town’s way of saying, ‘sorry, we can’t make it, but look what kindly Christian folk we are!’ They want to make a show of paying their respects, but they can’t be bothered to actually attend the funeral.”

  “I have to ask. Why’d you stay here all these years, Sonya? I know you moved in with your mother for financial reasons after your husband died, but I never understood why you and Gram didn’t move out of Gomsburg, especially knowing what Cole went through growing up here.”

  “It wasn’t just for financial reasons. I was destroyed when my husband died, and I fell into a deep depression. It took me years to climb back out.”

  “I’m sorry. I never knew that.”

  “I suppose Cole doesn’t talk about it much.”

  “No. He’s told me almost nothing about the years after his dad died.”

  “It was an awful time for both of us.”

  “But why did Gram stay in Gomsburg? She knew how badly Cole was being bullied. Why didn’t she pack you both up and take you somewhere safer?”

  “She couldn’t afford to. Mama tried to sell her house so we’d have the money to move someplace else, but it sat on the market for years without a single offer. A lot of people were moving out of Gomsburg at that time because the big potato packing company had shut its doors, and nobody wanted our old place, so we were stuck. I
hate that he had to grow up someplace full of ugliness and prejudice, but Cole’s so strong. He got himself out. I’m so proud of him for doing what I never could.”

  “You’ve been doing better the last three or four years, though. You got promoted to assistant manager at the grocery store, and Gram got that small inheritance after her cousin passed. Why didn’t the two of you take that money and move far away from here?”

  She glanced at me before directing her gaze to the shag carpet. “Cole’s going to find out at the funeral, so I might as well tell you. I’ve been seeing someone for the past three years. This man moved here to be with me, and then he found a good job and put down roots, so now he wants to stay in Gomsburg. If he’s staying, then I am, too.”

  “Why wouldn’t you tell Cole you’re dating someone?”

  “Because he hates this man.”

  “How come?”

  Mrs. Ealy didn’t look at me as she said, “I don’t want to go into it right now.”

  “Is it serious between you and this guy?”

  She pulled a necklace out from inside her suit jacket, revealing an engagement ring with a fairly large diamond. “He’s been asking me to move in with him for over a year. I kept turning him down, because I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my mother all alone in her senior years. She refused to move into his house and wouldn’t even consider letting him move in with us. Mama was so stubborn.” Mrs. Ealy’s voice caught, and she turned her face from me as she wiped her eyes.

  “You need to tell Cole about your fiancé if this man is going to be at the funeral. He’s really vulnerable right now, and the last thing he needs is to be ambushed with someone from his past.”

  “You’re right. I’ll talk to my son before the two come face-to-face. Glen was overseas on a business trip when this happened. He won’t be getting back until this afternoon, so we still have a little time.” Another sob escaped her, and she said, “Damn it! I promised myself I wasn’t going to fall apart again until after the funeral.”

  I picked up her hand and said gently, “You just lost your mother. You’re entitled to grieve.”

  “But I don’t want Cole to see me like this. I want him to think I’m alright, so he can go back home to San Francisco without having to worry about me.” She started to cry harder, and then she exclaimed, “Crap!” I drew her into a hug, and she cried for just a minute more before sitting up and taking a few deep breaths. Finally she said, as she pulled a wadded up tissue from her pocket and dabbed her eyes, “Please don’t tell my son I broke down when he comes back out here, okay?”

  I sighed and rubbed her back. “Y’all are so much alike. He won’t cry in front of people either, and he always wants everyone to think he’s alright, even when he’s not. Cole spent the last fourteen hours totally focused on getting us to Idaho, and I know he was just trying to distract himself from the pain of losing his Gram. I think you’ve been doing the same thing by getting wrapped up in planning this very proper funeral.”

  “You’re probably right.” She put away her tissue and tried to rearrange a few bobby pins in her unraveling bun. “It’s a good thing Cole and I are the only Jews in this whole town. Nobody’ll have any idea how badly I’m screwing this up.”

  “Well, I suppose the rabbi will.”

  Mrs. Ealy said, “I wonder if he’s even a real rabbi. I found him on Craigslist.” She and I both grinned.

  A minute later, a tear ran down my cheek. I wiped it away with the sleeve of my black suit jacket and said softly, “I hope he’s okay in there.”

  She watched me for a long moment, then said, “You really love him, don’t you?”

  “More than anything in this entire world.”

  “I’m glad you two are back together. Don’t let him get away a second time, River.”

  “I won’t.” She started picking invisible lint off her suit jacket as I stared at the door with the faded wreath. After a while, I asked, “Does it seem like he’s been in there a long time?”

  “Maybe you should check on him.”

  I crossed the room and opened the door as quietly as possible so I wouldn’t disturb him, but my boyfriend wasn’t in there. A few rows of chairs were set up facing a simple, closed coffin, and an older gentleman with a kind face was sitting near the casket. I stepped into the room and asked him, “Do you know where Cole Ealy went?”

  The man got to his feet with a wince and rubbed his lower back. He was short and stocky, with thinning hair and a white handlebar mustache, and he said, “You must be River. He said to tell you he needed to go for a walk to clear his head, but he’ll be back in time for the service.” The man gestured at a door in the left corner of the room, beside a row of stained glass windows.

  I hated the idea of Cole wandering alone around a town with so many bad memories, but if he needed some time to himself, I had to respect that. I approached the old man and asked, “Are you Doc Brown?” When he nodded, I said, “If you want to, I’ll take over as shomer between now and the service.”

  “That’s terrific,” he said as he shook my hand. “My sciatica’s flaring up something fierce. I’ll go tell Mrs. Ealy that you’ve agreed to sit with her mother, and that Cole went for a walk.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  After he left, I moved his chair right beside the casket and sat down. Then I whispered, “I’m going to miss you so much, Gram. So is Cole. I know how much you loved him, and I promise you this: I’m going to love, cherish, and take care of your grandson, every day of his life. I messed up once. We both did. We let things that don’t even matter get between us. But I’ve been given a precious gift, a second chance, and I’m not going to waste it. Cole needs me, just like I need him, and I adore your grandson, Gram. God, how I adore him. I just want you to know I’m going to make sure Cole’s okay, today and always, so you don’t have to worry about him.”

  I took my phone from the inside pocket of my suit jacket and said, as I did a quick search, “Now, your daughter is trying to give you a proper Jewish funeral, so I’ve taken over as your shomer. I’m going to look that up and see what it involves.” I scanned some information on my screen. “Apparently I’m supposed to read Bible verses while I keep you company, but you know what? I think I know what you might enjoy.”

  I did another search and settled back in my chair. “Okay Gram, here we go. I found the lyrics to the Beatles’ White Album, because I know how much you loved it.” Tears spilled down my cheeks as I began to read. “Dear Prudence.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I was still sitting beside Gram’s coffin about two hours later, when a man in an expensive suit came into the room. He was probably in his late forties, with dark hair and kind, green eyes bracketed by permanent laugh lines, and he said, “Hello. Do you happen to know where Sonya Ealy is?”

  I got up and put my phone in my pocket. “Her friend Virginia took her home to rest for a few hours before the funeral.” My voice was a bit hoarse from reading out loud, and I cleared my throat.

  “Oh. I tried calling her, but I guess she’s asleep.” The man walked up to the casket and touched the lid gingerly, then said, “I can’t believe this happened. Nel Hirsch was one tough cookie. I was sure she’d outlive us all.” After a pause, he turned to me and stuck his hand out. “I’m Glen Bowmer. Do you work at the funeral home? I thought I knew most of the young people in town, but you don’t look familiar.”

  I shook his hand and studied him closely. “No, I’m just visiting. Are you Sonya’s fiancé?” He nodded, and I said, “My name is River Flynn-Hernandez.”

  When he heard my name, the color drained from his face and he murmured, “You’re Cole’s boyfriend.”

  “That’s right. I’m a bit out of the loop here. Sonya mentioned she’s been seeing you for a few years, but that Cole doesn’t know anything about it. I got the impression you and he have some sort of history.”

  “She hasn’t told him about me yet?” I shook my head, and he asked, “Is Cole at the house with his mom
?”

  “I don’t know where he is, actually. After he paid his respects, he wanted some time to himself, so he went for a walk.”

  Glen stammered, “Sonya was supposed to talk to him before I got back. It would be awful if I accidentally bumped into him before she has a chance to do that!”

  I asked, “Why? What happened between you and Cole?”

  A low voice to my right said, “He killed my dad.”

  Glen and I both turned to look at Cole. His fists were clenched at his sides as he growled, “What the fuck are you doing here, Bowmer?”

  Glen’s voice was shaky as he said, “Maybe it’s best to discuss this outside.” The man hurried to the side door and left the building.

  Cole followed slowly. A muscle worked in his jaw as he ground his teeth together, and barely contained rage burned just below the surface, igniting his dark eyes. Every muscle in his body seemed almost to vibrate with tension, like a guitar string a moment before it snapped. I’d never seen my boyfriend like that. I was worried about what was about to happen, but I knew I couldn’t interfere. This was between Cole and Glen, and clearly it had been building for a very long time.

  I trailed behind them as the two men cut through a little alley and emerged in a weedy yard at the back of the building. Dry, dead grass crunched under foot as we stepped onto a former lawn, and as the men turned to face each other, Glen blurted, “I didn’t want you to find out this way. Sonya was supposed to talk to you before you and I crossed paths.”

  “And tell me what?”

  “That we’re in love.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I love your mom, Cole, and that’s why I’m here. I need to be at my fiancé’s side while she mourns the loss of her mother.”

  Cole looked utterly stunned. After a moment, he managed, “How long has this been going on?”

  “About three years.”

  The words had the same effect as punching Cole in the stomach. He reeled back, and after a moment he stammered, “All this time. All this fucking time! Mom didn’t say anything. Neither did Gram! She knew, right?” When Glen nodded, the look on Cole’s face was pure agony. “Why would they lie to me? I trusted them, both of them. Why wouldn’t they tell me they’d let the fucking lowlife who murdered my dad into their lives?”