Charlie Ford Meets Secret Agent Man

by J.D. Tynan

  I laughed quietly, which felt good because I needed to have a little levity brought into the situation that I found myself in. Bella and I were miles from nowhere in the middle of Africa with a scary guy, no food, and three tampons. If I started my period now, I would be humiliated by tomorrow afternoon. Great! My life couldn't get much worse.

  ***

  I stopped staring at Duane because it wasn't helping my resolve to remain awake. Every time I looked at him or Bella, I just felt that much sleepier.

  I heard a rustling in the woods and I wondered if perhaps the other bad guys had followed us. That would certainly make my life worse. I hoped it wasn't so, but I didn't take a chance; I whipped around and squeezed off a shot at the dark figure in the tall grass.

  The gunshot brought Duane to his feet, gun drawn. He looked wide-eyed at me.

  I was numb. I either had just killed a bad guy, or Big Foot. I motioned to Duane with my gun and he followed my line of fire right to Bambi's momma. He pulled the deer from the weeds and told me to close my eyes.

  "I don't have a problem with animal blood," I said as an explanation. "It's just human blood."

  "Let's not take any chances." He motioned for me to close them and I did. When I reopened them, he had the deer's neck mutilated and had a couple of pieces hanging in the fire. "Breakfast," he said, then lay down and closed his eyes.

  I was fuming. No "Thank you, Charlie, for keeping me fed." Ooooh, he was tremendously irritating.

  ***

  The good news was that I got to witness the most amazing sunrise that I have ever seen. It was as if God had just sent me a sign that I wouldn't die that day.

  Then I heard the roar of a Jeep. Duane was on his feet in no time and had Bella over his shoulder, running toward the cover of the trees. I had my gun drawn, as did he, but he looked much cooler than I did. He had this down pat. I was beginning to think that he was a crazed mercenary who lived off the land. Because most technology whizzes can't kill with a single snap, or gut an entire deer with a pocketknife, unless, of course, he had been a boy scout when he was a kid. Then again, that wouldn't explain the neck snapping ability.

  Honestly, I didn't know what to think.

  The Jeep roared by and when I saw that it was a government Jeep, I made as if I was going to jump out of the trees and flag them down. That's when buffoon-man hauled me backwards and held his hand tightly clasped across my mouth.

  Call me immature; call me crazy, I don't care. I lapped his palm with my tongue, over and over again until he released me.

  "Are you nuts?" He wiped his hand down my chest a couple of times. I think he was enjoying it a little too much.

  "Hello," I said under my breath in case I had to urge to start cussing too. "We need to get home. Those men could still be after us. We need help."

  "NO," he shouted and I feared for my life. He raised his gun up against my temple. I felt the cool hard steel of it against my skin. Gulp.

  "What you need to do is shut the fuck up. Listen to me. Do what I say when I say it and follow me."

  I nodded. What more could I do? I had a gun too, but I was not prepared to use it, so pointing it at him would have been futile.

  We headed back to our camp. Doused our fire, ate Bambi's mom, packed up my bag and we followed Duane.

  ***

  It was hours later when I looked around and felt a familiarity. I don't know a lot about Africa, but I do know what it feels like to go around in a circle.

  "Excuse me." I was talking so much nicer to him since I understood his intentions fully. "Are you sure you know where you are going?"

  His Evil-Eye glare was coming at me. Yep.

  My mother had not taught me well. Mothers are supposed to teach their daughters that they are never ever supposed to question a man's sense of direction. That only leads to fights, screaming and cricks in backs from sleeping on couches.

  I continued down the trail and stopped only when he said we could. Many times during the day, he actually gave Bella a piggyback ride, which I thought was wonderful. He also knew what kind of fruits we could eat and divvied up the water the best he could.

  Bella and I remained silent because I wasn't fond of the evil glares, and he seemed more at ease when I wasn't flapping my jaws at him. Bella seemed to be doing all right under the circumstances. Hell, under the circumstances, she was doing a hell of a lot better than I was. I'd had no idea that I was so opposed to nature. No, I take that back. I'm not opposed to nature as long as I know it ends somewhere. That just seemed never-ending.

  Duane got us up to a plateau high above the plains and that was where we stopped for the night. That being my second day without real food, a toilet, a shower and a clear picture of my future, I was beginning to lose it. Literally, I dropped to the dirt and wept like a child.

  "Why?" I shouted at God, which I do from time to time. "Why me? I swear you are punishing me for something. Why can't I just have a normal life, without getting fired every five-months, without getting guns pointed at my temples, and without periods? What is your problem?" I shouted then collapsed into a heap of shaking bones.

  Bella became the strong one. "We're going to be fine. Do you remember telling me that? We're going to get home, you can marry my dad, and I won't be mean to you anymore. I promise. I'm sorry if I've been mean. I didn't mean it," Bella said as she held my hand. I'm sure that Buffoon was plugging his ears at that point.

  Back the hell up…

  "What?" I almost laughed. "You want me to marry your dad?"

  Her eyes filled with tears. "Isn't that why you took the job, to be with my dad?"

  Absurd.

  Perhaps not, perhaps, the three nannies that preceded me over the past two months were after her father's affections. Thus, the attitude I got when I arrived.

  "Wow, that actually explains a lot," I said and curled an arm around her shoulder. Duane made the fire again and left us two girls to finish our heart-to-heart.

  "I don't want your dad. I took this job because I love being a nanny and I have two more semesters before I finish my master's degree at UCONN. Your father has nothing to do with it."

  Duane came back with three or four rodents, a peacock and some figs and dates.

  "But you kissed him. I saw you kissing him before we left."

  I could tell that Duane was desperately trying to keep a smile off his face. He was privy to a lot more than I wanted him to know. Not that it mattered, I was just happy that he finally tucked his gun into the waistband of his pants.

  "Your father was a little drunk and upset about your mom leaving. He was just being…." I almost said it, but I held back.

  "A man?" Duane finished for me and waved his hand in the air, as if prodding me to finish my sentence. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I assume that's what you were going to say."

  "Yes," I said smugly. "Your father was just being a man and trying to fix everything by glomming onto another woman."

  Duane laughed and sat back against a large boulder.

  "Not all men glom."

  "Ha!" I retorted.

  "Ha!" He actually smiled.

  Bella sat back and smiled too. "So, you don't want to marry my dad and you're still going to be my nanny after I was so mean to you."

  "Bella, I've been in your shoes before and I know what it's like to want a father's attention. I don't blame you for being a bitch. I was the same way when I was a teenager. My father was so damn busy watching my perfect brothers that he didn't even see me half the time."

  "So, you don't hate me?"

  "Are you kidding?" I pulled her into another hug. "Bella, you remind me so much of myself at your age, it scares me. I think that if we just talk to each other from now on, that we might actually become friends. That is if you want to be friends with an old lady like me," I said playfully.

  Bella and I talked some more and got comfortable around the fire. That is until HE interrupted us. I looked over at him and stood up, dusted off my butt and made as if I was stretching
out a kink.

  "Rat or bird?" He really had the buffoon thing working for him.

  "Bird," I said sharply and when he turned to pull the peacock leg from the stick, I pulled the gun from his waistband and held it up to his temple. I too have some impressive moves and I could tell that I had just taken the wind right out of his sails.

  He dropped the peacock leg into the dirt and got very still. I appreciated that he was taking me seriously. The safely was on, so I knew it wouldn't accidentally blow his head off, but I did get somber for a few short minutes.

  "How does it feel?" I stared at the side of his face that was tight with rage. "Don't do that…." I pushed harder with the gun and made his skin pucker right where it made contact with his temple. "Drop the stick."

  He dropped it.

  Bella scooted out of my way so I could back off just enough for him to stand up.

  "Charlie," he said slowly, and stood up even slower with his hands raised in the air. "Put the gun down. I'm sorry for doing what I did, but I have my reasons. Please, put the gun…."

  He had me on the ground on my back before I had time to flinch.

  Damn I need to work on my cat-like reflexes. He tossed the gun aside and it was just him and me; no guns, just evil glares and tight lips.

  My heart beat wildly in my chest.

  "Do that again, and I will tie your hands behind your back and drag you the rest of the way."

  "Fine," I shouted and actually saw spit flying from my mouth, which is not attractive in any light. "Then tell me who the hell you are and what you are doing with us." Now that he was unarmed and lying flat against me, I saw him in a completely new light. He was a man. He was all man, with muscles that tightened when he stirred, and he had a ripple to his abs that I haven't felt since my days rolling around with fellow men in green. Damn. I was turned on.

  "Look." He lifted his chest off mine just enough for me to take a deep breath. "You just have to trust me."

  Then he got off me, stood up and extended his hand. When I refused to take it, he raked it through his hair a couple of times. Clearly, he felt a bit stressed.

  "Let's eat." He grabbed up both the guns and tucked them under his feet just in case I got any wild ideas.

  Chapter Five

  Where did you learn about guns?" Duane asked me around the fire that night.

  Bella had conked off to sleep after eating a healthy portion of dirty peacock and some figs. Neither of us women-folk would eat the rodent, so Duane let us share the bird as an apology for pointing his gun at my head.

  I shrugged in lieu of an explanation. I still didn't know who we were dealing with, why those guys hijacked our plane or why we were going in circles. "Around the hood," I finally lied, because it was fun and I was certain that he had been lying to me for the past two days.

  His head rocked back when he laughed and I got a clear shot of his nostrils. Even on a guy like Duane, nostrils are just not sexy. Not even in the firelight. Most things are sexy in the firelight, but not Duane's nostrils. I shook my head to return to normality and fixed my gaze on his big brown eyes.

  "How about you? Where did you learn all those moves?"

  "The hood," he mocked, and I really didn't think it was funny.

  I looked around and listened to the sounds of the night.

  "Do you think they might come looking for us?"

  He shrugged, but I knew he was keeping something from me.

  "Alright, hot shot, what's the dang deal? Are you some sort of mercenary freak, CIA, KGB, a spook, what?"

  "Charlie," he said. "Has anyone ever told you that you talk too damn much?"

  "No."

  Actually, no one has ever said that to me. I personally don't think that I talk too much. Sure, I can't shut off my brain even for a minute, but I'm usually quite careful about what I say and when I say it. I'm usually a very guarded person when it comes to conversations with neck-breaking maniacs. He just didn't like my questions. "Are you refusing to answer the question?"

  He winked again and leaned back against the rocks, closed his eyes and started snoring within minutes. I stayed awake until he changed positions, then I said, "Your turn," and I curled up with Bella and fell fast asleep.

  ***

  When we woke up, I started feeling a familiar pain in my lower abdomen. Great, my period was right on time. Duane was already helping Bella eat some fruit when I snuck off into the bushes. I would have given anything for a shower, or a box of Tampax.

  When I returned, Duane was putting one gun into the waistband of his Dockers and he tightly grasped the other in his palm.

  He looked at me.

  I looked at him and neither of us said a word.

  ***

  The temperature had to be up in the mid-nineties by the time the sun was beating straight down on us. We had been walking for what seemed like miles. My hair was matted to my forehead. I reeked like body odor and Bella looked wiped out and was muttering to herself in tongues. She was clearly becoming delirious from dehydration and lack of junk food.

  "We need to find clean water," I said carefully, so he wouldn't ram his gun down my throat. "We can't go on without water. It's hotter than Hades out here."

  "Nice nanny talk," he groaned, and kept on going.

  I stopped dead in my tracks and grabbed Bella before she keeled over.

  "Let's go," he demanded, and then Bella and I sat down. I could've gone on a bit further, but I had a child to think about as well.

  "Water."

  "Get up." He waved his gun at both of us and although I don't think he meant it with hostile intentions, I sure took it that way. I'd had it up to my eyeballs with his shit and I was certain that he was leading us right back to where we started.

  "I know what you are…" I shouted loudly and stood up. "You're a Marine."

  "What makes you say that?" he asked with a chuckle as he stepped toward me.

  "Because I heard that Marines were COCK-SUCKERS," I screamed at the top of my lungs and glared hard.

  He took three intrusive steps towards me so that we were toe to toe and he stared me down. "Do you have a death wish?"

  "Tell me who you are and where we are going. NOW," I shouted, and when he glared and turned around, I kicked his back foot out from under him and wrestled him to the ground. We rolled a couple of times and I ended on top that time, with the gun from the back of his pants, I might add. I didn't point it at him. I just wanted him to see that I had moves too.

  "What now, sweetheart?" he asked. He bit down on his lower lip. The man was clearly patronizing me at that point. I glared and angled myself lower. We were torso-to-torso, breast-to-breast and nose-to-nose. I could feel his breath, hot on my dried lips. I licked them once before speaking and I swear he stopped breathing for a couple of seconds.

  "I'm not going to ask again. Tell me the God-damned truth. Why were you on that plane and are we still in danger?"

  He bucked his hips, which felt sort of fun, and then he rolled me over into the dirt and stood up. "I have to go back to camp, I left something and I need it."

  "What are you, a spy?"

  His eyes narrowed. I might have hit the jackpot.

  "Jesus fucking Christ, woman, can't you just shut up for two seconds?"

  "No," I shouted. "No I can't, not when you're keeping the truth from me. I need to get home. Her father is probably out of his mind with worry…." Then it dawned on me that a search party was most likely already underway.

  "What if those Jeeps the other day were out looking for us? What if her father is trying to find us and he can't because you are dragging us around god-knows-where to do god- knows-what?"

  "You need water," he said. "You're delusional."

  Then he walked off in a different direction. He carried Bella most of the way, and I carried her for the rest of the way. I could hear the rushing water, before I could even see it. Awww, I could almost taste it.

  I helped Bella down the rocky terrain to a small pool where a waterfall was tri
ckling down a plateau. The water was fresh, but not drinkable according to Duane. He made a fire quickly and busted open one of the canteens to use as a pan. We boiled the water, and let it cool down while we swam. I needed a swim; it was a chance to get clean and wash my hair.

  Bella was so child-like, splashing around in the coolness.

  Duane sat on a big rock and just watched. I think he was enjoying watching me swim in my underwear more than anything else. I swam over to him a number of times and urged him to get in, but he refused. Said it wasn't safe.

  "What could happen?" I said, and as I said it, I saw it, too. A Jeep with only a driver and one passenger, but this time, it wasn't Government Issue. It was the same red Jeep that we saw in camp when we escaped. That meant that we had to be close to where we started.

  I shivered and hunkered down in the grass in my underwear and bra while Duane snuck off to deal with the problem. What neither of us planned on was that bad guy number three was lurking in the bushes just beyond where our fire was.

  Bella remained on the edge of the lake, huddled under a tree branch that was probably home to a big long snake. Glad I was out of the water. I hate snakes. Ick.

  I heard shots fired.

  I feared for Duane's life, no matter who he was. He had saved our lives and although he bugged the crap out of me with his covert ops bullshit, I didn't want him to die.

  It would have been nice if he would have left a weapon for me, but he didn't, so I had to sneak off behind bad guy number three and brain him with a tree branch. He went down with a thud just as Duane came back, swearing, panting, and holding his left shin. Blood, I saw blood. It was right there, on Duane's pants. I looked up from the blood and kept my eyes directly on his face.

  "Fuck," he shouted again and sat down hard in the bushes.

  "Bad guy," I motioned over my head and his eyes immediately went to my breasts. After all, I do have a great rack. "What should I do?" I stayed as far away from the blood as I could. "Did you get shot?"

  He shook his head and ripped his pants off, turning them into makeshift shorts. He wrapped the extra material around his wound and hobbled over to unconscious-man and me. "Kill him."

  "Uh, I don't know about that," I said as I stumbled backwards.