by Juanita Kees
Be a lizard, Fen. You can grow a new tail, or you can keep searching for the old one you lost, only to find its useless to you. Your choice.
She’d chosen to grow a new tail and hadn’t looked back. Fen sighed. Not the sort of story you could tell a four-year-old who’d lost his mum, but hopefully he’d like the lizards anyway. She added the lamp to the basket and reached for the linen trolley to drag it closer.
Two sets of sheets and towels. Fen dropped them into the linen bag and placed the basket and lamp on top. The cottage already had the basic cleaning products and toiletries, so she overlooked those to reach for a pile of tea towels then flicked the light switch that would coat the storeroom in darkness.
A brief smile touched her lips along with the fleeting memory of Kieran’s lips on hers. A long time ago in this same storeroom. She’d lost her head around him, desperate not to say goodbye, knowing he’d be lost to her for good. Days before Diane had whipped him away across the Eyre Highway.
I’ll miss you, Fen.
She’d had to let him go, cut the anchor loose, lose another tail, learn to go on without him, or revert to that inner, scared child who curled up in shadowy corners with a knife. She’d refused to become that girl again, so she’d focused on the vineyard and growing the business with the people who loved her unconditionally.
Fen pulled the door closed and pushed the trolley down the hallway, out the door and up the concrete path leading to the manager’s cottage. On either side of the walkway, kangaroo paws flowered in brilliant shades of red, green, pink and yellow. Her favourite native flower with their blooms shaped like a kangaroo’s paw and the long, rough stems reaching for the sky. Two blue wrens flirted with each other over a hedge of lavender. God, she loved the country. A sense of peace settled around her as she pushed her load up the gentle incline.
The cottage had a view almost as good as the one from the main house. From its vantage point on the hill, the manager had a three-sixty-degree view of the vineyard and the flow of the Whispering Hills that formed the backbone of Wongan Creek. Except for the growing scar on the landscape created by Wongan Creek Mining Company a little further south, the view flowed on unmarred.
Life was changing, like the leaves on the vines as they headed towards the end of autumn. And here she was feeling like she’d come full circle, with Kieran back in town, even more inaccessible than he’d been before.
* * *
In the car park outside the pub, Kieran sighed as Liam resisted the tug on his hand. ‘Come on, mate. You’ll love it, I promise. You get to play in that cool playground whenever you want to.’
‘Don’t wanna.’ Liam’s lip quivered as he tightened his grip on the woolly toy sheep under his arm.
‘It’s getting late. Aren’t you hungry? When we get there, I can make you those noodles you like so much.’
‘No!’ Liam stamped a booted foot on the gravel in the pub car park and yelled, ‘I hate you. I want Mummy.’
The words stung, but it hurt more that he couldn’t give Liam what he wanted. ‘No, you don’t, mate. It’s late. We’re both tired. I’m hungry too. The sooner we get to our new home, the sooner we can eat.’
‘Not hungry,’ he wailed. Tears slipped down Liam’s cheeks as he threw his toy on the ground.
Great. The last thing Kieran needed was a full-blown temper tantrum in the middle of Wongan Creek’s Main Street when curious eyes were already shifting his way. He returned Virginia Turner’s wave and winced as she crossed the street. Had she retired now? God, he hoped so otherwise Liam was in for a tough time. The school principal took no prisoners. She’d been a tough nut back then. Hopefully she’d mellowed with time.
He turned his attention back to his son who’d thrown himself down next to his toy. Kieran ran a hand through his hair. Jesus, he wasn’t cut out to do this alone. Diane’s crippling pre- and post-natal depression had left him holding the baby, literally. For almost five years he’d struggled to hold down a job, raise his child and look after Diane.
You’re the only one who can manage her. The Vincents had tried and failed. Watching their daughter sink deeper into the black hole of depression had been too much for them to handle. He’d tried so hard to coax Diane back from the edge. His failure weighed heavily on his shoulders.
On the ground, Liam lay on his back, kicking against the back wheel of the car and wailing loudly. Kieran knelt beside him, his heart aching and embarrassment burning in his face. Normally he’d step away, ignore the tantrum until Liam settled and then go through the steps of dealing with it just like all the parenting books and Liam’s therapist suggested. Today there was no time for that.
Ms Turner back-tracked on her way to Mama Bella’s Café and came to stand beside him, one hand on her cane, the other on her hip. ‘Is it really you, Kieran Murphy?’
Kieran stood to greet her. Liam’s yells reduced to loud moans as he turned his head to look at the newcomer. Yes, Ms Turner still had the power.
‘It is. Hello, Ms Turner.’
‘Hmmm. You may call me Virginia. You’re not a schoolboy anymore.’
Kieran lodged his hands on his hips and looked at Liam who’d reached for his sheep and clutched it to his chest. ‘Virginia, lovely to see you.’
She snorted. ‘Bollocks. You were never very good at lying, boy. Is this your son?’
He gritted his teeth and waited for the lecture he’d heard so many times before from well-meaning people who knew everything about raising kids and nothing about their circumstances. ‘Yes.’
‘I’d imagine he’s a sweet boy when he’s not throwing a tantrum.’
‘He is.’
‘Hmm.’ She prodded the stuffed sheep lightly with her cane. ‘What’s the sheep’s name?’
Liam’s moans hitched in his throat and became whimpers. ‘Go away.’ His arms tightened around the toy.
‘Liam …’ Kieran began, mortified by his son’s disrespect.
Virginia held up her hand and shook her head. ‘I’ll deal with it, young man.’ She turned her attention back to his son. ‘Liam is a funny name for a sheep. Does he have another one?’
‘No.’ Out came the lip, but Liam pushed himself up into a sitting position. ‘I’m Liam.’
‘So, is the sheep’s name Go Away?’ Virginia shook her head. ‘I’ve never heard of a name like that before.’
‘Nooo,’ Liam wailed.
‘So, tell me his name then.’
Liam hiccupped on a sob. ‘Woolly.’
‘Well, that’s original. Can I see him?’
Liam hesitated a moment before holding the sheep out to her.
Virginia extended her hand. ‘You’ll have to get up off the road, young man. I can’t reach that far.’
Liam shuffled to his feet, squashing poor Woolly’s face into the ground.
Virginia ran a hand over the soft toy then tapped her cane on the gravel. ‘That’s a very nice friend you have there, young man. He looks tired and hungry though. Do you think he should go home for a nap?’
Liam nodded. ‘He camed all the way from Sydney.’
‘Came,’ corrected Virginia. ‘And that’s a very long way for a young lamb like him to come. Why don’t you go home with your dad so Woolly can rest? Friends always take good care of each other.’
‘K,’ agreed Liam as he tucked Woolly under his arm.
Kieran let out a quiet sigh of relief and opened the back door to let his son scramble inside and climb into his booster seat. He turned to Virginia. ‘Thank you.’
A ghost of a smile tugged at the stern school principal’s lips. ‘You’re welcome. I’ve had many, many years of practice.’ She patted his arm gently. ‘I’m really sorry to hear about Diane. Elaine told me what happened. You did the right thing coming home with the boy.’
He wondered how much his mother-in-law had told her, but at least he could trust Virginia Turner to keep the information to herself. No gossip ever passed those stern lips. Kieran leaned hard on the car door frame. ‘I hope so, Ms T
urner.’
‘Virginia. Did Liv give you the job?’
How did she even know that already? She might not share gossip, but she sure had an ear on the grapevine. He hadn’t told a soul he was going for that interview, not even Elaine. He’d forgotten the power of small-town gossip. ‘Yes, thank you. We’re on our way over there now to settle Liam into the cottage.’
‘Good. No point in mucking about. So, you’ve seen Fenella then?’
His heart did that little thing it always did at the mention of her name. That arrhythmic stutter that made him feel guilty because Diane’s name had never had the same effect, no matter how hard he’d tried to love her. ‘Yes.’
Virginia tapped her cane on the gravel. ‘No-one knows better than you and Fenella how hard this is for your boy, and to understand what’s happening in Liam’s head right now. The Cranky Lizard is the best place for you.’
Kieran nodded even though he wasn’t convinced. He’d agonised over the move back to Western Australia, over taking Liam so far away from the only grandparents he had, over so many things. He’d answered Liv’s ad in the paper half-heartedly, not even sure he wanted to come back to Wongan Creek, not really knowing what he wanted at all.
For God’s sake, he hadn’t managed a vineyard in years. Not since Diane had insisted on moving from the Blue Mountains to the city. He’d done it for her, in the vain hope that it might cure what ailed her. But he’d realised his mistake too late and it cost him his wife and almost his son too.
‘Right. Well, I’ll get on now. I’m on my way to a CWA meeting. We’re planning the winter festival. Drive carefully. And when you have a chance to breathe, get in touch with Travis Bailey. His niece, Casey, is a couple of years older than Liam. She lost her mum in that nasty business with that Bannister boy.’
Kieran shuddered. He’d read about it in the papers online. How they’d caught Zac Bannister, found enough evidence to convict him of the murder of Travis’s twin sister years after her death. ‘I will, thanks.’
Virginia waved goodbye and found her way back onto the walkway that would lead her to Mama Bella’s Café and the meeting with the CWA ladies. He wondered if Marge Everett was still driving the school bus. Mama Bella’s still held pride of place on Main Street. He’d have to treat Liam to one of Bella’s famous milkshakes once they’d settled in.
‘Daddy?’
Kieran moved from his leaning position on the door and dipped into the back of the car to secure the seat safety harness around Liam. ‘Are you and Woolly ready for an adventure?’
‘Woolly’s hungry.’
He smiled, almost laughed for the first time in way too long. At last, a good sign after months of a waning appetite. ‘Let’s get you home then. Chicken noodles with a side of Vegemite toast coming right up.’
He closed the door and got into the driver’s seat. Could the cottage at the vineyard be a home for them? Could it be the catalyst for happiness after years of struggle? With a sense of determination to make it so for Liam’s sake, Kieran turned the key in the ignition of his rental car and directed the nose in the direction of The Cranky Lizard.
Chapter 3
Fen flicked her fringe away from her eyes, tucked the sheet under the mattress on Kieran’s bed and tried hard not to think about him sleeping there. Alone.
Sometimes it felt like a lifetime since they’d first met in that cold and soulless partitioned space at the Department of Child Protection and Family Support office in Armadale. Yet there were days when it felt like yesterday that the equally soulless caseworker, Martha Wallace, had sat opposite them in her imposing chair and looked at them as if she held no hope for their futures.
‘We have two families in Wongan Creek prepared to take you.’
Like two-pound dogs waiting to be rescued then rejected because they were too vicious for the family. She’d looked at Kieran in his threadbare denim jeans and flannel shirt over a black T-shirt. He’d looked at her dressed in loose black as she’d twisted her leather cuffs against the itch on the skin under them, and an unspoken pact had passed between them. They’d stick together until the pain of their pasts subsided, and when the hope of finding a forever family faded and they were lobbed back into the system again, they’d have each other’s backs.
Fen tucked the quilt into the cover and shook it out, letting it settle over the bed. She smoothed out the air pockets with the palms of her hands. Was Martha Wallace still alive? She’d been an ancient old dragon even back then. Luckily things had worked out for her and Kieran, and they’d never had to have much to do with her again, except for suffering through the occasional home visit.
The sound of a car pulling into the carport next to the cottage dragged her out of the past. Nerves jiggled in her stomach. Kieran and Liam were here. Another chapter of their lives, so intricately entwined yet worlds apart, was about to begin. Would Liam like his room? Would Kieran stay? Could they rekindle what they’d had and chase the sadness from his eyes? She hated seeing him like that again. Broken. Beaten. The way he’d been in the office that day so long ago. Except this time his bruises weren’t physical. They couldn’t be treated with arnica and a bandaid. With one last fluff of the pillows, Fen walked out of the room and down the hallway to open the front door.
‘You made it back,’ she greeted as Kieran got out the car.
‘Yeah.’ He ran a hand through his hair.
‘Trouble?’
He looked so tired, so empty. Diane had been his life. Fen pushed down on the niggle of jealousy. She had no right to feel it. Growing apart as they grew up had always been inevitable.
Kieran helped Liam out of the car and set him on his feet on the ground. The poor kid had a rumpled look about him that paid testament to a rough day. Hopefully he’d be happy in his lizard room and not creeped out by it or it could be a long night for Kieran. One of many, she suspected.
‘A little. I bumped into Virginia Turner. She dealt with it.’ He ruffled Liam’s curls and the action earned him a grumpy frown. ‘Nothing a tummy full of food and a nice warm bed won’t fix, isn’t that right, mate?’
‘I hope you’re hungry then. Liv sent up a dish of her famous mac ‘n cheese with bacon and tomato. It’s warming in the oven for you.’ Fen stepped off the verandah and walked towards them. ‘Need a hand to get everything inside?’
‘That would be great, thanks. Liv’s macaroni cheese sounds better than the Vegemite sandwich and instant chicken noodles I had planned.’ Some of the stress eased from Kieran’s brow only to sneak back in again as Liam latched onto his leg. He leaned down to sweep the little guy into his arms. ‘It’s been a long day, hasn’t it, mate?’
The resignation in his voice told her it would be an equally long night. How had it come to this? The bond between father and son was strong. Fen could almost feel it, touch it, and didn’t doubt for a milli-second that Kieran adored Liam. How long had he been struggling alone and what had prompted him to come back?
‘Hey, Liam, I’ve got a surprise in the kitchen for you. Why don’t you come inside and see it?’
She hoped The Cranky Lizard kid’s cup would impress Liam and that Kieran wouldn’t object to the fairy bread snack she’d prepared. Kieran’s lips curved in a smile that almost reached his eyes before he walked towards her, long denim-clad legs eating up the short distance between them. God damn him, he still had that sexy swagger. And those eyes that looked right inside her soul. Eyes that had seen through the wall she’d built all those years ago.
He planted a kiss on her cheek, his beard brushing her skin, his lips warm and affectionate. ‘You’re a champ, Fen. Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome.’ She tried to cover the quiver in her voice with a cough.
Liam lifted his head from his father’s shoulder, interest sparking in his tear-stained eyes. ‘Grumpy Lizard?’
Fen grinned. ‘Yep. And fairy bread.’ She let her gaze slide to Kieran’s and felt the full force of his eyes on her. ‘If that’s okay with you?’
‘Per
fect. Thanks, mate.’
The erratic beat of her heart stilled and the thrill of his gaze eased as reality sunk in once again. That’s all she’d ever be for Kieran. The mate who had his back.
‘Great.’ Her smile felt tight on her lips as she turned away and walked back into the house. ‘Come inside then. I wasn’t sure Liam would like macaroni cheese, so I figured a snack wouldn’t hurt.’ She rubbed at the ache in her chest and swallowed against the tightness that gripped her throat. God damn it, she wouldn’t cry. He was nothing to her and she was nothing to him, except a friend. That was all she wanted. All he needed.
‘There are a few beers in the fridge, some milk, your choice of red or white Cranky Lizards, soft drinks and bottled water. Fresh bread will be delivered to your door around six in the morning along with half a dozen fresh eggs. If there is anything else you need, ring down to reception and I’ll bring it up.’
Pull yourself together, Fenella. He’d see through her psycho-babble. He always had. And then things would get more awkward than they were already.
‘Chickens?’ Liam’s interest sparked.
‘And lambs.’ Fen patted the toy sheep the boy held.
‘Where?’
‘Come into the kitchen and your dad can show you the lambs from the window. They’re Harry’s lambs from across the creek, but he doesn’t mind sharing them with us. Sometimes he forgets they’re here and they stay a few days. It’s good for the grass and clears the weeds. The chickens are up at the main house. I’ll show you those tomorrow if you like?’
Liam nodded, his eyes still too serious for a smile. ‘K.’
She led them to the kitchen and watched Kieran take Liam over to the window so he could point out the sheep.
‘Have you scheduled pruning back the vines, Fen?’
‘Liv has organised a team to come in from Wednesday next week. And we have a couple of grey nomads signed up too. The schedule is on the desk in your office. Induction is set for Tuesday at six am. We’ve got a few old vines we need to replace. The bobcat is booked for Friday.’
‘Sounds good.’