by Juanita Kees
* * *
Fen supervised the serving of the entree to the tables and checked her watch for timing. Twenty minutes for the guests to down the alternate seating dishes of Chicken Marsala or marinated beef tips with capsicum and Spanish onion. Then onto the champagne and speeches.
Around her the waiters began their ritual of collecting emptied plates while the drinks staff placed champagne in the ice buckets. All going well. If she kept focused on the routine, she couldn’t think about the man and what he would have done to her if Kieran hadn’t come to her rescue. That made her think about the body they’d found in the fire. She rubbed the itch of her scars against the cool, soothing silk of her dress.
The safest option would be for Kieran to leave and take Liam back to Sydney where they would be out of harm’s way. Hadn’t they suffered enough without this added threat that shadowed her? And because the thought of them leaving made her heart ache for things she couldn’t have, she picked up a couple of bottles of champagne and busied her hands filling ice buckets.
If none of this had happened—Luke, Diane—they might have rekindled the spark that had simmered between them. Explored the possibilities of a relationship that ran deeper than friendship, but life had changed everything. For as long as the door stayed closed on her past, she’d never move on, and until she could pinpoint what it was Beyond Hell’s Reach thought she knew, she’d never wake from the nightmares in her mind.
Kieran and Liam came back into the dining room, a smile stretched wide across Liam’s lips and a frown furrowing Kieran’s brow. Her heart stuttered at the likeness between man and boy.
In another dimension, Liam might have been her son. She wasn’t sure she wanted kids. What could she offer a child? Poor genetics, nightmares and a screwed up past? No matter how hard she fought the black dog that gnawed at her heels, it would always be there. Waiting for a weak moment, reminding her with every itch of her scars that it was still there. A shadow in her mind, a secret behind a door she avoided opening to release it.
Fen pushed aside the thoughts that rolled clouds across her sunshine, Liam’s happy smile warming the chill in her bones. Seeing that smile light his face was enough to put that black dog right back in its kennel. ‘How did you go with Lucky?’
Kieran shrugged. ‘He ate.’
‘He showed me his beard.’ Liam added. ‘I talked to him and he liked it.’
She smiled and ruffled the kid’s hair. ‘Next time I’ll let you hold him, if that’s okay with your dad?’
Liam’s grin spread wider, hopping from one foot to the other. ‘Can I, Daddy?’
Fen raised her eyes to Kieran’s and noted the frown was still there. He looked at her long and hard before he answered, ‘Sure, mate. So long as he doesn’t bite. I’ve seen what he does to crickets.’
Travis Bailey stepped up to them. ‘Hey, Kieran. How you doing, mate? Welcome back.’
‘Cheers, thanks.’ Kieran shook the outstretched hand.
‘My niece, Casey, and her friend, Benji, want to know if Liam would like to sit with them at the kids’ table?’
Fen looked down to see six-year-old Casey at her uncle’s side, already sizing Liam up. Pretty in a pink dress that didn’t quite go with her leather work boots, Casey offered a shy smile which Liam returned. Kieran hesitated, and Fen placed a hand on his arm, warm and strong to her touch.
‘It’s okay, Kieran. We’ll be right there to keep an eye out. Liam, would you like to tell Casey and Benji all about how you fed Lucky tonight?’
Liam nodded shyly, his hand securely in Kieran’s. Casey held out her hand with the confidence of her added two years senior.
‘Come on then. We’ve got cool stuff on our table. Fen said you made the boats. I can draw, but folding stuff … not so good.’ She chatted away as Liam transferred his grip from Kieran’s to hers and they moved towards a table full of kids ranging in years.
‘Thanks, mate.’ Kieran gave Travis’ shoulder a man pat.
‘No problem. The kids around here tend to take care of each other, irrespective of their age differences. They know Marge Everett will tan their hides if they don’t. Figuratively speaking, of course.’ Travis grinned. ‘I’d better get back and supervise. Join us later for a drink?’
‘Will do, thanks.’ They waited until Travis had walked away before Kieran turned to Fen. ‘Everything okay?’
She nodded. It had to be. ‘Fine. We’re about to start with the speeches and champagne, and then onto the main course.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’
He leaned down to say the words in her ear, his breath touching her cheek, the warmth of his hand at her back. She leaned into him a little because, damn it, this was Kieran and she’d missed him, no matter how much she tried to deny it.
‘I know. I’m fine.’ Tonight, alone in the silence of her bedroom and the darkness that came with it? That would be the test. ‘I need to check on the main course.’
She slipped out of his hold, because it would be too easy to stay there, lean on him, need him, ask him to stay with her tonight instead of roping her mum into an all-night movie marathon for distraction from the demons that would dog her sleep.
Kieran’s sigh filled the air and his presence warmed her back as he followed her into the kitchen, clearly not ready to let the subject drop. Pots and pans clanged and the sound of plates hitting the stainless-steel bench indicated that the mine chef, Col, had everything under control.
The noise, heat and lack of privacy gave her the cover she’d hoped for, but when the hand at her back guided her to the storeroom, she realised Kieran wasn’t about to accept anything less than answers and letting Liam feed Lucky hadn’t worked in her plan to distract him.
He pushed the door to the storeroom closed and leaned against it. Fen tried not to remember the last time they’d been in here. When he’d kissed her goodbye. Not the kind of kiss she’d wanted from him, but a gentle sweep of his lips that aimed for her cheek and would have missed her mouth, except she’d turned her head. Cheek kisses were something they’d grown into, something that wouldn’t change the dynamics of their friendship when Kieran had belonged to Diane.
But that day, some devil inside her had made her turn her head and capture his lips, knowing he’d be gone the next day, lost to her forever. She’d kissed him with everything in her heart—the sadness, the friendship, her love for him—knowing that, legally and in his heart, he belonged to Diane now and she’d have to be the one to move on.
He’d let her down gently. Easing her away, not saying anything except, ‘Goodbye, Fen.’ Then he was gone, and she’d slid down the wall and cried until Liv had come to find her.
She’d almost slipped back into old habits that day. It would have been so easy to. Her scars had almost begged her to with an itch that crawled up her arms like fire ants. Her penknife had taunted her from the drawer next to her bed to rid herself of the ache in her soul and replace it with a tangible pain. And if Liv hadn’t arrived in time with hot chocolate, Tim Tams and warm hugs to talk her through it, she might have succeeded.
Fen folded her arms and kept her back to Kieran, tears stinging her eyes.
‘Fen.’ His voice was quiet in the room. ‘Look at me.’
She shook her head, not trusting her voice because the tightness in her throat would have her choking on her words. Gentle hands settled on her shoulders and turned her around. She kept her gaze on the floor. How much longer could she keep fighting the demons, real and emotional, so determined to consume her?
He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her, holding her against the unsteady beat of his heart. She put her hands to his chest, meant them to be a barrier, but no real barrier at all, because the feel of Kieran under her hands made her want to finish what she’d started right here in this poorly lit room all those years ago. To sink into his kiss, his body and everything he personified and push away the real world that snapped at her heels.
He tipped up her chin, his gaze holding hers in
the dim light of the storeroom. A flicker of something she couldn’t read in the shadows cast by that light, and then his head blocked out what was left of it, and she met him halfway.
The minute his lips touched hers, she was lost in his taste, a flavour she remembered every time she thought of him, but different. Newer, fresher, better. Too good. His hands cupped her face, the thumbs—rough from hard work—rubbing against her jaw, creating a hunger far more desperate than she remembered.
Kieran explored at his own pace and created a fire in her that would take more than a cold shower to cool it. She returned each nip and tease, her hands slipping from his chest and tracing a path to his hips, his body hard, muscled and toned under her palms.
His hands tangled in her hair and drew her closer, deepening the kiss until she melted against him, into him, forgetting all the reasons she shouldn’t. He whispered her name against her lips, before releasing her mouth and holding her head against his chest, their hearts beating erratically out of rhythm with each other, bodies radiating warmth off one another, the world outside the storeroom forgotten.
She should stop this before she lost herself in him again, make him go. Make him take Liam far away from the shitstorm to come, from the danger Luke and his damned brotherhood presented. From the mess she’d made of her life and the nightmares she couldn’t escape. But she felt so safe in his arms, with him at her back, seeing him every day the way she used to. The anchor in her life that had been missing for too long.
* * *
Kieran eased his mouth from hers and resisted the urge to bang his head against the storeroom door. What the hell was he thinking kissing Fen, raising feelings he had no right to explore? Feelings and actions that would hurt them both. And Liam. They stood close, coming down from the high and the feelings neither of them would be ready to give voice to.
‘I shouldn’t have done that,’ he whispered into the silence.
Her hands fell away from his hips and she stepped away. The dim light reflected the tears that welled in her eyes. ‘Déjà vu.’
He rubbed the wry pull of her mouth away with his thumb. ‘We’ve got the timing all wrong again.’
‘Was it ever right for us?’ She stepped out of reach and he let his hand fall away, the shelves behind her preventing her from retreating completely.
Her warmth still filled the space between them, her hands only inches from his, close enough for him to slip his fingers through hers. But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t expose his son to another broken woman. One more broken than Diane had ever been. One even more vulnerable because of the past they shared. A girl trapped by dark memories that surfaced in nightmares and had her taking a blade to her skin to ease the pain they caused. He could only ever be a friend to Fen.
‘I’m scared, Kieran.’
Her words, too quiet in the room, tore through him. ‘What are you afraid of?’
‘That the dreams might mean something after all. That somewhere in my mind I’m hiding from something worse than seeing my mother taken away in an ambulance, dead from an overdose.’
He reached for her shoulders because it would anchor them both. ‘Which could be true if they’re re-opening the investigation into her death. Tell me what you feel.’
She shook her head. ‘It’s hard to explain. A gut feeling, a niggling, the terror when the dreams happen. There’s something important behind that door that I can’t open.’
‘Have the nightmares got worse?’
She nodded, chewing down on her lip. ‘Since I found Luke’s cuts.’ She raised her eyes to his, deep pools of fear. ‘Since I saw the teardrop tattoo on the man’s face at the bar. And today when that man grabbed hold of my arm.’
‘Repressed memory. Liam’s therapist warned me about it after the accident. The trauma makes the mind disassociate with the event, effectively blocking it, until something happens to trigger it.’ He nodded. ‘With Liam, when a memory manifests itself, it triggers his tantrums because he’s too emotionally immature to understand what happened. Tell me what you feel.’
‘There is a danger I can feel, touch, smell in those dreams, but I can’t unlock that door. Sometimes I know I’ve seen something different to previous nightmares, but I can’t remember what it is, and all I feel is this deep-seated fear. Like an animal being hunted, like I’m hiding from something and if it finds me … I felt that same fear with that man here today. I don’t know what it means.’ She drew in a long, shuddery breath. ‘I can take care of this. Go, Kieran. Take Liam and go back to Sydney. This isn’t what you signed up for. As much as I know you’ll be good for the winery and help us build it again, I can’t let them harm you or Liam. And whatever it is they think I know, has the potential to do that. I need Liv to be somewhere safe too. Somewhere they can’t touch her.’
He ran a hand through his hair. Frustration boiled through his gut, his mind divided between taking Liam out of harm’s reach and staying to protect the girl who’d always held a large chunk of his heart in her hands. ‘We need to find out more.’
‘If this gets ugly, Liam will be caught in the middle of it. Is that what you want?’
Straight for the place she knew would hurt. He almost felt the gut punch. ‘I don’t want any of this for anyone.’ If he stayed, he couldn’t avoid getting involved. If he left, he’d never forgive himself if something happened to her. Like he’d let something happen to Diane. He’d lost one woman, he couldn’t lose Fen too. Not after all they’d survived together.
‘I’ve got to get back to the wedding. I can’t let this spoil Tameka’s day.’ She opened a box of tissues from the shelf behind her and wiped her eyes, blew her nose. ‘There’s nothing more I can do today. Riggs is on it. I have to trust him to find out what he can.’
He dragged a hand through his hair. ‘We will talk this through after.’
Fen shook her head. ‘Take Liam and go home, Kieran. Where it’s safe. Where neither of you will be in danger.’
His heart slammed against his ribs. No damn way would she make him leave. ‘Do you honestly think I’d leave you with this mess? I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Then you’re an idiot.’
There could even be some truth in that. ‘Your guests are waiting. Let’s get this wedding out of the way and then we’ll talk.’ He opened the door to let the noise of the working kitchen flood their space. Light spilled into the room, highlighting the haunted look on her face. He hated seeing her like this … broken, defeated. ‘Are you sure you’re okay to go out there? I can cover for you if you need a moment.’
Fen drew her shoulders up, stiffened her spine and walked towards him. ‘I’ll be fine. If you could supervise the start of serving the next course, I’d appreciate it. I need to stop by the ladies’ room to patch up my panda eyes otherwise Liv will be all over it that something’s up.’
He reached out to tip up her chin with his forefinger, her skin smooth as the silk of her dress, her whole being as pale and delicate as his mother-in-law’s bone china serving plates and just as breakable. ‘I’ll be waiting.’ He couldn’t let her be broken. Not by this. Not by anything.
Chapter 10
The twenty-minute drive into Wongan Creek felt like it took forever. Next to her, Kieran stayed silent as he negotiated the bends and overtook road trains. A crew of police detectives and forensics specialists had arrived soon after eight and entered the taped-off, burnt-out block of tangled vines which had morphed into a crime scene investigation. Only because of their presence on site had she felt safe leaving Liam and Liv alone at The Cranky Lizard when Kieran had insisted in coming with her to see Riggs.
Somewhere in this mess there had to be a common denominator, a trigger. A reason Luke had chosen her and the winery to carry out his illegal activities. Perhaps it was the seclusion of the property, the size of the land. She hadn’t been a random pick off a dating site or the girl he’d taken a liking to behind the bar of a winery, she’d been a carefully researched target. Her mind whirled.
The tattoo
that looked like Luke’s, the same as the man in the bar and the one who’d shown up at the wedding. She’d Googled it, found out it symbolised murder, and in Luke’s case of a colourless one, attempted murder. She’d slept with a man who’d tried to take a life.
What was it they thought she knew? A memory, a flicker like an old black and white movie on a screen, hovered around the edges of her subconscious. She pushed it away automatically, habitually, the same way she’d done since she was seven, trapped under a table in the dark with screams and shouts and thumps ringing in her ears.
Kieran steered the SUV into a parking spot outside the Wongan Creek Police Station. ‘Ready?’
‘Ready as I’ll ever be.’
He cut the engine and released his seatbelt. ‘You’ve got this, Fen.’ His fingers squeezed hers where they lay in her lap.
She blew out a breath. ‘What if I can’t remember? What if I can’t identify these men? What if doing this escalates the threats? One victim won’t be enough for them, Kieran.’
‘Then we need to stop them. We need to find the key to put them away.’ He leaned across and released her seatbelt from the buckle. ‘We’re going to go in there and Riggs will help us put it all together. One step at a time.’
Unease crawled in her belly, a trickle of fear sparking in her mind. She’d be okay. Kieran was there. The way he’d been in the car from Armadale and in her room when her wrists had bled. ‘I want it to be over.’
‘Then let’s do this.’ He got out of the SUV and closed the door.
She shivered against the chill in her spine and reached for the door handle. Kieran was there, his hand out to take hers, his fingers strong and warm as they closed around her cold ones. Together they walked into the station.