The Boyfriend Plan

by J. S. Cooper

  Hey, we need to talk. It’s about Ben. I like him too. Call me when you can.

  My mouth dropped open, and I could tell Blake was shocked when I showed him the text.

  “Go on your date, Maggie. Call Gayle later. Call me later. I’m here for you.” And with that, Blake gave me a hug and pushed me out the door. I knew driving to meet Will that the 6th date wasn’t going to be a winner either, but I didn’t even care that much because all I could think about was Ben and Blake and I didn’t even know which one I liked the best now.

  14

  Dear Diary,

  I slept in bed with a man last night, for the first time in years. That’s all that needs to be said. Okay, I really do mean slept and not made love. Just in case you were wondering. And it wasn’t uber romantic, but there were moments where my heart skipped a beat and I had to regulate my breathing. And yes, I felt a spark. A real spark, and it made me a bit scared. Oh yeah, I was married last night...kinda. It’s never a good idea to go on a first date in a bad emotional state, because bad things can ensue. Especially if your name is Maggie Lane.

  I called Gayle as soon as I got into my car at Blake’s. I wanted to be calm, cool, and collected and ignore her like she had been doing to me for the last few weeks, but my curiosity couldn’t handle that. What was she talking about? She liked Ben now? What did that even mean? She had never had a good word to say about him when I used to gush on about him. But something in my mind starting ticking as the phone was ringing. I hadn’t thought about it too hard before, but it had struck my subconscious that she always seemed to start off every conversation asking me about Ben. And hadn’t she been even more upset than me when he started dating Jasmine?

  “Maggie, hey, thanks for calling me back.” Gayle’s voice was soft. It was never soft.

  “You are ruining my date, you know.”

  “Omg, you are on a date right now? Sorry, call me back afterwards.”

  “Well, I’m not actually on the date yet. I’m on my way,” I grumpily huffed out. There was no way I wanted to wait until after the date to find out what was going on.

  “Oh, with whom?”

  “A doctor if you must know.”

  “Wow, nice.”

  I felt a little bad then. The conversation was awkward, and it had never been awkward between us. Not in the whole time we had been friends and she had been bossing me around. Not even when I had done the most disastrous things and embarrassed us both. We’d been mad at each other before, but we’d never been awkward. Whatever she wanted to tell me about Ben must be pretty bad.

  “So what’s the deal, Gayle? You like Ben? What does that mean?” I shot out, unable to deal with the silence.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t do this over the phone, Maggie.”

  “Do what? Just tell me.” I was close to shouting.

  “Ben and I are dating.”

  “WHAT?”

  “We’ve been seeing each other for...”

  “WHAT?” I cut her off, “What about Jasmine? How could you do this to her?” It was almost laughable that those were the words to come out of my mouth. I couldn’t care less about Jasmine and had actually hoped that something like this would happen to her, but I’d seen myself as the interloper, not Gayle.

  “What is going on here, Gayle? I’m really confused. I didn’t even know you liked him.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t think I liked him. Well, I knew you liked him and didn’t want to like him.”

  “You never said anything good about him. You called him a womanizer. You...” I stopped. “I just don’t even understand.”

  “I’m sorry, Maggie. We, I, never meant to hurt you. It just happened.” she whispered. I’d never heard Gayle’s voice so soft before.

  “What just happened?” I was exasperated and frankly underwhelmed in my reaction. I didn’t feel any sort of soul-crashing pain racing through my body. No pain, no anger. Just sadness. I realized I was more upset that I hadn’t known that Gayle was even interested in Ben, as opposed to her actually being with Ben. I suppose he was like my Bradley Cooper crush, in a way, a nice dream but never a real possibility in my mind. Plus, he was gross. Who knew if he had an STD even?

  “It’s hard to explain.”

  “What bloody happened, Gayle? You disappear for 3 weeks, I hear nothing from you. I’ve been on 5 disastrous dates from an online dating service, about to go on my 6th. I’ve been sucking it up in the gym and have a marathon to run in a few months and I can’t even run 2 miles. I have a great chance of being published but can’t concentrate enough to actually write the book. And you want to bumble on and not actually say anything. Just bloody tell me or get off the phone!” I shouted.

  There was silence on the line for about ten seconds and then Gayle started laughing. I wondered if she had gone mad. Who would laugh at a time like this?

  “I’m sorry, Maggie,” she spewed out between laughter that sounded slightly hysterical. “I’ve just never heard you go off like that, and I...”

  I started laughing as well. I guess the stress of the last few months was finally hitting home.

  “So, you guys are dating?”

  “Yes. I wanted to tell you. I just didn’t know how.”

  I understood slightly what she had been going through. Hadn’t I just been telling myself how I needed to find out what was going on in her life?

  “Maggie, if I had thought for one moment that you really loved Ben, you know I wouldn’t have ever done anything, right?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Maggie, we both know you get these crushes, these infatuations and...”

  “I know. It’s okay. I’m not mad. Maybe we can talk about it at lunch tomorrow.”

  “Sure, that would be great.”

  “Your treat.”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay then.”

  “I’ll pick you up around 1?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine.”

  “Thanks, Maggie. I’m sorry.”

  “I know.” I stared at myself in my rearview mirror as I spoke. I had arrived at the restaurant where I was to meet Will and was just sitting in my car. My face was glittering back at me, shiny and sparkly (thanks to glittery bronzer) and I liked what was looking back. I could see my cheekbones now, well, if I held my face at a certain angle and sucked in my cheeks a bit. But I looked happier and better than I had in years. I had lost some weight and it was starting to show.

  “Look, Gayle, I’m not mad. Well, not extremely mad. I’m not going to go scratch up your car tonight and spray paint ‘bitch’ or ‘whore’ on it. But I’m upset.”

  “As you have...”

  “It’s okay about you and Ben. I’m happy for you even. Well, happy you have someone you like. But it’s Ben, and you never told me, and well, I’m just confused right now and sad that you hid this from me. But it’s fine. I’m going to go on my date with Will, who is a doctor, by the way. And I’m going to have a good time and eat a steak, a nice juicy rib eye, and I’m going to get a dessert, because even though I’m trying to lose weight, I still appreciate free food. And you know what? I’m going to love it.”

  “Have fun on the date, Maggie. Try and say no to the dessert.” Maybe I had been too easy on Gayle because it seemed like she was already feeling confident enough to give her unneeded and unwanted advice.

  “Well, I’m here and have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I hung up the phone before I said anything else to her. I didn’t want her to convince me to get a healthy side salad with the steak instead of French fries sprinkled with truffles (I’d perused the menu for a good 15 minutes earlier in the day).

  “This is going to be fun.” I kept repeating those words to myself as I got out of the car and walked to the restaurant. I wasn’t going to let Gayle’s revelation ruin my date.

  I should have walked out as soon as I saw Dr. Will. I should have known that the night wasn’t going to go well as soon as I walked out of Blake’s house. I mean, I knew it wouldn’t be gr
eat, but I don’t always trust my instincts as I should.

  “Maggie, Maggie, over here.”

  I glanced over to see who was shouting my name obnoxiously. I saw a short, stout man waving at me excitedly. His hair was receding, and his goatee looked like an unkempt beard with food growing in it. Surely this was not handsome Will? It was in that minute that I should have turned around and fled the restaurant, but I continued walking up to him. Perhaps some other Maggie was here meeting someone and the real Will and I would laugh once I sorted out that this maniac wasn’t him.

  It took 30 seconds for me to realize that this was the real Will.

  “Maggie, so great to meet you.” Will jumped up to hug me and gave me a once-over and whistled. “Mmm, mmm, GOOD.”

  I could feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment. Who was this fool?

  “Sorry, I should have introduced myself. I’m Doc Will.”

  I smiled weakly, “Nice to meet you, doctor.”

  “Likewise, wow, we lucked out, huh?”

  I looked at him quizzically. “Excuse me?”

  “I just meant we both got lucky. I’ve been on some dates from Cupidlove, and some real dogs have shown up looking nothing like their photos, but you are amazing.”

  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He had met some real dogs? I didn’t want to be mean or rude, but I certainly didn’t consider him any sort of prize. It did make me feel good for about 5 seconds that he was obviously so happy with my looks, but who was I fooling? Of course he would be impressed with me. I was looking pretty good. It almost made me want to cry. Was this the only type of guy that would ever appreciate me?

  “Have a seat, have a seat.” He patted the seat next to him. Was he crazy? I chose the chair sitting across from him and tried to ignore the pitying glances of the couples on both sides of me.

  “I’m so glad you came out tonight, Maggie. When I saw you walking in the restaurant, I thought to myself ‘Yes, that is one fine filly.’”

  “Filly?”

  “Yeah, like a horse, you know?” he drawled, and my skin felt hot. I don’t know what it was, but I felt a sudden urge to hit him or run as fast as I could out of the restaurant. Or just burst into tears.

  “I see.”

  “So, Maggie, I have a present for you.” He reached under the table and picked up a medium-sized gift bag that had “Happy Birthday” in glittery gold on the front, and there was a bunch of bright pink tissue paper sticking up out of it. While I wasn’t impressed with the trimmings of the present, it was nice that he thought to bring me something. Aside from the plastic rose that date number 3 had brought me, none of my dates had thought to do that.

  “I wasn’t going to give it to you if you were fugly, because I didn’t want to give you the wrong impression. But I like you, so it’s all good.”

  I cheered up a little bit at that statement. Maybe he had gotten me a Tiffany bracelet. I could understand him not wanting to give someone he wasn’t attracted to expensive jewelry, but maybe the workouts were paying out in more ways than one now. I mean, I didn’t really respect gold-diggers, but surely I deserved something for coming on this date. And I mean, he was a doctor, he could afford it.

  I smiled my first sincere smile of the night. “Why thanks, Will. That was really sweet of you.”

  He grinned at me and stroked my hand as I took the bag from him. UGH. “Wine?”

  “Yes, please.” And don’t stop pouring, I thought to myself. I would need it to get through the night.

  I took a big gulp of wine as I went to open the present. To hell with etiquette at this point. I gasped as I looked at the box that was in the bag, then glanced up at Will and saw him leering at me.

  “Impressed?” he raised an eyebrow at me.

  “Impressed?” I looked at him blankly. In the bag sat a box of condoms. What was there to be impressed with? The fact that he practiced safe sex? That he wanted to practice safe sex with me?

  “Yeah, with the size,” he leaned over the table to whisper.

  I took another large gulp of wine before looking back in the bag. It was then I noticed the word “Magnum” in bold print on the box. Oh my goodness. This date couldn’t end fast enough.

  “So, Will, what type of medicine do you practice?” I changed the subject abruptly, not caring what he thought.

  “Medicine?”

  “Aren’t you a doctor? Doc Will?”

  Will started laughing and slamming his fists on the table, “Doctor? Me? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

  “Why do you call yourself ‘Doc Will’ and say in your profile that you are a doctor?” I seethed at him, not caring if he saw how irritated I was.

  “I’m Doc Will because I liked the name, and I meant that I am a doctor of love because I am so smooth with the ladies.” And then he winked.

  “So what do you do, Will?” I was scared to find out.

  “I’m a salesman down in Santa Monica at Al’s Used Car Lot.” He paused. “You don’t need to buy a new car, do you?”

  “No, no I don’t.” I didn’t add that if I had needed to, he would be the last person I would buy a car from.

  “Excuse me a second.” I stood up. “I just need to go to the ladies room.”

  “Oh, honey your makeup is perfect. No need to touch it up just yet.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I know you ladies, always wanting to make sure you look good for your man. But honey, you look fine right now, though I suppose a bit more lipstick wouldn’t hurt.” He leaned back and licked his lips.

  If I was capable of throwing up on command, I would have done it at that point.

  “I’ll be right back.” I walked quickly and purposefully to the bathroom, reaching into my handbag and taking my phone out.

  As soon as I walked into the bathroom, I called Blake. He answered within two rings.

  “What’s up, Maggie Moo-moo?”

  “Omg, Blake, I need your help!” I wailed. I filled him in on what was going on and all his laughing had me smiling myself at the ridiculousness of the date.

  “Why don’t you just leave, Mags?”

  “I would feel bad.”

  “What do you want me to do, Mags, come rescue you?” I could hear the smile in Blake’s voice.

  “Yes, think of something, please!”

  “I guess I could show up and say there was an emergency?”

  “But wouldn’t he wonder why you didn’t just call the restaurant?”

  “I guess. Maybe I could say the phone was down?”

  “Yeah, that could work.”

  “Or that aliens dropped me off and told me to bring you with me to the spaceship.”

  “Blake...”

  “Or that I’m James Bond and I need my girl Friday back with me for a secret mission in the USSR,” he was laughing.

  “Blake, please.” I pleaded with him.

  “I don’t know how you always rope me into these situations and why you don’t just leave, but go back to the table, sit still, and I’ll be there soon.”

  “Yay, thanks, Blake.” I got off the phone with a smile on my face.

  I walked back to the table with that smile on my face, figuring I might as well enjoy the food and wine while I waited for Blake to show up. I was able to tune Will out while he talked about himself and his recent adventures in Vegas and a local strip club. I must have been on my third glass of wine and just finishing up the glass when Blake showed up.

  “Maggie?”

  I looked up in mock surprise and shock for the second time that night as I heard my name shouted out across the restaurant.

  “Maggie?” Blake came running up to me at the table, almost unrecognizable in his getup of ripped jeans and a white wife-beater tee and an LA Dodgers baseball cap.

  “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me! Who is this scum?” he pointed over to Will, who lurched back.

  “Um, sorry, who are you?” Will’s loud boisterous voice had quieted down considerably at Blake’s approach.

 
“No, the question is, who are you? And what are you doing here with my wife?”

  “Wife?” Will and I both gasped in shock and Blake winked at me as he leaned across the table and sneered at Will.

  “Yes, my wife, punk. What are you doing with her?”

  “But I didn’t know she was married, she...”

  “Stop talking.”

  And Will stopped. I wish I could have done that to him a couple of hours ago,

  “Come on, Maggie, let’s go.”

  “Uh, sure.” I grabbed my handbag and jumped up while downing the rest of the wine in my mouth and trying not to laugh.

  Will just sat back in shock with his mouth agape. I could tell that nothing like this had ever happened to him, but before I could feel sorry for him, I thought about his completely false photos and profile.

  “Uh, bye, Will. Nice meeting you,” I waved at him as Blake dragged me out of the restaurant by my other arm. I heard Will muttering something about “dogs being better than crazies” under his breath and burst out laughing as soon as we walked out the door.

  “Oh, Blake, how could you?” I could barely speak, the laughter consumed me so much.

  “Only you could make me do these crazy things, Maggie.” We started running towards the parking lot. “I can’t believe I’m a grown man in my 30s, and an attorney to boot. You have reverted me back to childhood, Maggie.”

  I reached over and hugged him when we reached his car. “Thanks, Blake.”

  “You should have just left, you know. That would have been the grown-up thing to do.”

  “But then I never would have seen you in a wife-beater, husband.”

  “Yeah, and I would never have seen that guy’s face.”

  We both started laughing again, he with tears rolling down his face.

  “Oh my gosh, did you see his face? It was priceless.”

  “Let’s go back to my place and have a drink and you can tell me more about the date,” Blake suggested, and I was more than happy to say yes.

  We ended up talking and watching a movie in his room. I’m not sure why we went there instead of the living room, but I must have fallen asleep at some point during the movie because I woke up the next morning with one of his arms across my stomach. I just lay there and listened to his light snoring. As I gazed at his face, so soft and natural in its dream state, I felt something stirring in me. And it made me panic.