“This is really disgusting,” Donut said. She shot another missile at the woman, her third.
“Take a mana potion,” I cried.
I punted a cockroach and then stomped the second. A bag of garbage softened the blow, and it didn’t die. I stomped again. I cried out as a jagged hunk of metal tore my foot. The Scatterer hissed. Fuck this. I reached down and ripped its head right off the body. It came off with a pop, sending me flying backward. I hit the ground.
My hand grabbed something. I thought at first it was a bicycle chain. No, a leash. A metal, chain-linked leash. The kind people used for really scary dogs. I snatched it up, pulling. It was still attached to the mummified remains of a large dog. It yanked out of the garbage like a monster leaping at me. Jesus Christ. I unhooked it and pulled myself to my feet.
“Okay,” I said, looping the chain in my hand. The woman was scared, disoriented, and she obviously didn’t want to be here. But she was also vomiting killer cockroaches at us. Our only real choice was to take her out.
“Distract her,” I said. I ran around one of the big piles of garbage, one of the ones holding the skull torches. Thwump. Donut fired a missile.
“Hurry up!” Donut cried. “More cockroaches are coming!” The cat yowled. I saw her sail into the air, using her jump ability to land atop the pile I was running around. “Carl, this is not acceptable!”
I rounded the corner, coming at the massive woman from just behind her.
Another magic missile bounced off her chest. She staggered as two more Scatterers emerged from her mouth. She made this awful noise as they emerged, the sound of twenty people vomiting all at once. These were level four bugs, the larger brood guardians.
“I can’t drink another potion yet,” Donut cried. “It won’t let me! I can’t fire another missile for a minute!”
Shit. I didn’t think about what I did next. I rushed up the pile of garbage behind the woman. My feet screamed as I stepped on what felt like broken glass. I looped the metal leash through the handle. I ran, and I jumped onto her back, slipping the loop over her throat. I slid off of her wet, greasy body, grasping the end of the leash with all of my strength as it pulled taut around her.
She gurgled and started thrashing about wildly. She stumbled backward, falling toward me. I scrambled to my feet, pulling. Her hands moved to her throat as she crashed down, splattering one of the Scatterers. Several other bugs filled the chamber now. Unable to easily get to Donut, they turned toward me while I pulled and pulled.
“You’re doing it!” Donut cried.
“A little help here!” The bugs made an angry chittering noise as they descended on me. The poor woman gurgled and thrashed. Her health moved downward, slowly but steadily.
“My missiles aren’t ready yet!”
A level four hissed and jumped at me. I kicked at it, and it scattered back. It lunged again and snapped, taking a bite of my leg. I screamed.
“Use your fucking claws,” I cried.
“She’s almost dead. You can kill them when you kill her!”
“Goddamnit Donut,” I cried as a second cockroach bit me.
I stumbled forward suddenly, landing between the two Scatterers.
The chain had broken. I stared stupidly at the remains wrapped in my right hand. Fuck.
Thwump. Donut fired a magic missile. It must have let her drink another potion. A cockroach hissed and died. Thwump Thwump. The last two went into the woman. She still wasn’t dead.
With the chain still wrapped around my hand, I scrabbled up and punched the head of the closest of the brood guardians. Its face exploded, showering me with gore. A notification appeared and minimized itself. I turned as the second jumped at me. I fell onto my back as it hit my chest, mouth thrashing at my neck, its barbed legs scrabbling. I ripped at the creature, and one of its legs came right off like I was pulling it from an overcooked chicken. It squealed in pain as I pushed it off me. I leaped at it, pummeling its back with my chain-covered fist. It shrieked and died. My knuckles ached. I need brass knuckles. Real ones.
I whirled around.
The Hoarder lay on her back. Her health bar was all but empty. Steam rose off of her. The broken half of the leash remained around her neck. I had to finish her off now before she puked more bugs. I scrambled toward her.
The woman’s eyes met mine as I raised my fist.
“Lo siento si fui una mala persona,” she said. She closed her eyes as tears streamed down the non-burned side of her face. The woman only had one, misshapen tooth in her mouth. “No quería que mi hija se enfermara. No quiero estar en el infierno. Por favor. Por favor envíame a Jesús.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. I punched her right in the nose. I felt it give underneath my fist, almost like it was an aluminum can wrapped in clay. It crumpled and crunched deep inside. I punched again. And again. My fist burned in pain, and I took my own damage with each blow.
A minute later, and she was dead.
Once again, the world froze.
And the winner is, The Royal Court of Princess Donut!
Our two mugshots filled my vision with Winner! stenciled over it.
The remaining cockroaches all dropped dead. The door burst into shards. The music stopped. I leaned up against the stinking woman’s dead body, and I tried not to vomit bacon and eggs all over myself.
12
“Explain these bosses to me,” I asked Mordecai. I fingered the chain wrapped around my right fist.
We found a tutorial guild about a quarter mile from where we’d killed the Hoarder. Her body had only dropped a single piece of loot, a scrap of paper called a Neighborhood Map. It didn’t disappear when I looted it, and Donut was able to grab one for herself.
The moment I touched it, about a square mile of my minimap automatically populated. I could zoom out and see all the red dots in the area—there were hardly any now. A couple of rooms with white dots appeared, and upon closer inspection, they were all tutorial guilds, all with Mordecai inside. Other than Donut, there weren’t any other blue dots visible in this area.
There was, however, the X of a corpse on the very edge of the giant neighborhood square, right on the edge of the main corridor. This X was different. It was twice the size and pulsing. I hovered over it, and it said. Corpse of Crawler Rebecca W - Level 3.
I didn’t know how long she’d been there or how she died, but she’d been killed less than 200 meters from the safe room.
“Let’s go loot her corpse!” Donut said the moment she saw it on her map.
“I want to talk to Mordecai first,” I said. I noted the location of the closest tutorial guild, and we angled over there.
We opened the door to the guild to find Mordecai on his cot asleep. He had that photo of his brother cradled in his rat arm, and a pile of empty bottles littered the floor. The upset urn had been fixed, and the ashes all cleaned up.
“There are six main types of bosses,” Mordecai said after we woke him up. His voice slurred ever so slightly, and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Neighborhood, Borough, City, Province, Country, and Floor bosses. There are also others, but those are called elites. You won’t need to worry about them just yet.”
“So that thing we just fought was the most common type of boss?”
“Yes,” Mordecai said. “And now you’ll know how to recognize their lair. It’ll probably be pretty obvious to you from now on. The neighborhood bosses are the easiest to kill and easiest to find.”
“Easy,” I grumbled. My now-healed legs and fist still ached with phantom pain. “The one we fought, she was obviously a person from our world. Is it always going to be like that?”
I hadn’t understood a word the woman was saying, and I was glad for it. I already had enough trouble sleeping. Mordecai didn’t answer for several moments, like he was trying hard to think of a proper response. “No, not always,” he said finally. “There will be a lot of… recycling… from previous iterations of the game. Some will be human stock, but most won’t be, or even hu
man from this world. Or they will be human, but it won’t be as obvious.”
“It was quite the disappointing battle,” Donut said. “A Bronze Boss box? That deserved a Legendary at least.”
We hadn’t opened our boxes yet.
“All bosses drop persistent loot, and their corpses stay there for any crawler to pick it up. A neighborhood boss will drop a neighborhood map, as you’ve discovered. Higher bosses will drop other public items, which I’m not allowed to tell you about yet. But,” Mordecai added, “the ones who actually kill the boss also receive an achievement and a Boss Box. Bronze for Neighborhood, Silver for Borough, and so forth. Also, as you can now see, there’s a bronze star after your name in all notifications. You’ll get a star after each boss you kill.”
“Are there harder bosses on this level?” I said. “It’s not exactly fair. Most of us can level up, but we don’t get anything out of it until we can distribute the points.”
“The first three levels won’t have any of the Province, Country, or Floor bosses, but there are some powerful bosses out there. They’re meant to be taken on by larger groups than just two crawlers. You can’t run from most boss fights, not on the early floors, so be careful.”
“Okay, I’m opening my boxes,” Donut announced, turning away.
I had 15 achievements and seven boxes to open, including that boss box and the Gold Crowd Control box. While Donut grunted with annoyance at all the torches and pet biscuits, I turned back to Mordecai.
“Is it normal? This number of achievements?”
He nodded. “It’s not normal to get that Legendary box you did, but the first three floors are designed to drown you in low-tier loot and achievements and beginner skills. By the time you have to choose a class, you should have a good idea what’s going to work for you. Once you hit the fourth floor, the achievements are harder to come by.”
“A spell book!” Donut cried when she opened her Bronze Boss Box. I didn’t have time to read the description before she glowed, indicating she’d already applied it to herself.
A moment later, Donut cried with rage.
Mordecai grunted with amusement.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Little one, you really must examine these items before you equip or apply them,” he said.
Donut glowered. “It’s a stupid spell.”
“It’s a very useful spell,” Mordecai said. He turned to me. “She just learned a spell called Torch. It makes a curl of light follow you around. The more she uses it, the more powerful it’ll become.”
“It’s a good spell,” I agreed.
I pulled up my notifications. I was awash with odd skills, like a skill level increase in dumpster diving and jump attacking. One was particularly interesting:
You’ve gained a skill level! Iron Punch level 3.
When simple brutality isn’t enough. Newsboy cap not included.
With a skill like this, you can always find work as a 1920s street tough or a collection agent for a bookie.
War gauntlets and lumpers will protect your hands and enhance your punching damage without losing your bare-knuckle bonus. Each level of this skill increases the enhanced fist damage bonus by an additional 10%.
If I was going to utilize my bare knuckle skill, I really needed to find something to protect my fists. Breaking my fingers every time I punched something was not a good long-term plan.
My lower tier boxes were all crap. The last three were more interesting.
Bronze Boss Box (5/7)
Tome of Wisp Armor
Silver Goblin Box (6/7)
Stick of Dynamite X5
Lighter
Satchel of Gunpowder
Gold Crowd Control Box (7/7)
Enchanted Spiked Kneepads of the Shade Gnoll Riot Forces
Scroll of Confusing Fog X3
Potion of Iron Skin X5
“That tome is a good find, but it costs 5 mana to cast it, and you only have three right now. I would hold onto it until you decide what your build is going to be. It’s quite valuable. Or give it to the princess,” said Mordecai.
“I’ll take it,” Donut said, looking up at me. She didn’t even know what it was yet. I read the spell’s description.
Wisp Armor
Cost: 5 Mana
Target: Self Only
Duration: 5 minutes + 1 minute per level of spell. Requires 5 minute cooldown.
Surrounds your body with tendrils of light. While ineffective against physical attacks, this spell negates 75% of incoming damage from magic-based attacks. Provides temporary immunity to mind-control effects. Higher skill levels increase both effectiveness and duration. It also makes you look all wispy and ethereal and druid-like. A great spell to have if you’re a club kid or trying to bang a vegan.
A magic protection spell. That would be useful. I’d hold onto it for now.
The Scroll of Confusing Fog filled the room with a mist that only the mobs could see, and the Iron Skin potion raised my physical armor by 100% for five minutes.
The real prize was the kneepads. While it wasn’t pants, I was happy to finally have something to put on my legs. I pulled them out of my inventory and examined their properties.
Enchanted Spiked Kneepads of the Shade Gnoll Riot Forces
Adds 10% Damage Reflect to all equipped armor.
Cancels all Momentum-based attacks.
Made of skin and fur and the spiky things from the back of Thorn Cadavers, these kneepads are both good protection and they’re stylish. Stylish, that is, if your knees are cosplaying as hedgehogs.
The kneepads were built like slip on knee bracers, so I pulled my feet through each one and pulled them up. They appeared much too small, but they magically adjusted. The spikes were thin, needle-like. Each spear was about eight inches long. They were retractable and appeared to only magically pop themselves out when needed. I hoped I wouldn’t end up skewering my hand if I reached down to scratch my legs.
“Remember when I said you looked ridiculous before?” Donut said, looking me up and down. “Mordecai, darling. Is there a worst-dressed award for the dungeon?”
“Actually, yes. Sort of,” Mordecai said. “After the main episode tunnels, a hosted special comes on where a couple commentators discuss the state of the game. They usually do a segment on weird things happening in the dungeon. They do a lot of contestant profiles and such. Sometimes when people win boss fights, they’ll pull them out of the game for 10 minutes to do an on-camera interview. The show is almost as popular as the official program, though they’ll never let you watch this one.”
Donut’s eyes got big as saucers. “They interview people?” She looked at me. “Carl, we need on that show. Make it happen.”
I sighed. “That’s not how this works, Donut, and you know it. And besides, I am not your agent.”
“No, no you’re not. Miss Beatrice is my agent, and once we reunite with her, she’ll make sure I get on that show. But she’s halfway around the world. I figure we’ll have to wait until the fifth or sixth floor before the dungeon shrinks enough for us to find her. I really hope we don’t have to wait much longer than that.”
I exchanged a look with Mordecai.
“Sure,” I said finally. “Now let’s get back out there.”
13
The first thing we did was angle our way toward that corpse.
I asked Mordecai if we’d be able to loot everything the dead woman had, and he said yes, crawlers drop everything but the unopened loot boxes. Non-crawlers would also be able to loot her body, but they wouldn’t have access to her inventory, so the woman likely had some items on her.
“Maybe she’ll have some pants for you.”
“Unless she’s over six feet tall then probably not,” I said. Items from the surface didn’t magically re-size themselves. Still, I held out hope she’d have something.
“By the way,” I added a few minutes later, “those magic missiles of yours run out pretty quickly. You really need to start training with you
r claws.”
Donut didn’t say anything for several moments. “I… I’ve never done anything like that before. I’m scared of getting hurt. What if it hits me back? I don’t want to get hit back.”
“How is it you can be so reckless and timid at the same time?”
“I can’t control my instincts! I’m just a few generations shy of being a ferocious tiger stalking through the jungles.”
“I’ve seen your pedigree,” I said. “You’re a few generations shy of nothing. Also, your grandfather was also your uncle.”
Both of us turned the corner, and there she was.
She was sitting, leaning up against a wall just off the main corridor. She was on the very edge of the Hoarder’s neighborhood.
The woman was naked. She had no clothes, no gear at all. The manner of her death wasn’t obvious.
She appeared to be about thirty years old. Slight. Asian. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail. A full sleeve tattoo of koi and a crane decorated her left arm. The bright colors of the tattoo suggested it was recent ink. She had several other, older tattoos.
“I think goblins came along and took all her stuff,” I said. I examined her, popping up the info box.
Lootable Corpse. Crawler Rebecca W. Level 3. Killed by Crawler Frank Q.
Apple Core.
I felt as if I was slapped. Killed by Crawler Frank Q.
That’s when I saw it. A gunshot wound, right in her chest between her breasts, right in the middle of a moth tattoo. It’d killed her instantly, not leaking hardly any blood.
“Oh goodness. This Frank Q gentleman doesn’t seem like a decent person at all,” Donut said.
I instinctively looked up at my map, looking for blue dots. There were none. Would the dots be hidden if the person was trying to hide? If I wasn’t in the area of the neighborhood map, the red dots wouldn’t appear unless I was right on top of them. But NPCs always appeared if they were within a couple hundred meters, even if they were around the corner. Could other crawlers hide from me?
Dungeon Crawler Carl Page 10