Dungeon Crawler Carl

by Matt Dinniman

  Mongo the Mongoliensis Level One (Pet of Grand Champion Best in Dungeon Princess Donut) has joined the party.

  Mongo’s title has been changed to Royal Steed.

  “We did it,” Donut cried, hopping up and down. “We tamed Mongo!”

  Mongo also jumped up and down next to the cat. He squawked with delight, waving his little arms.

  And then he bit Donut right on the nose.

  * * *

  So, with seven hours left—one before the recommended time to descend—we camped out in the room with the stairs.

  I sat on the ground playing with my menus while Donut and Mongo ran in circles around the large chamber, playing energetically. Donut was instructing Mongo on the art of pouncing. I watched, smiling. My heart felt heavy as I watched them. What would the next floor hold? How much longer could we survive?

  I thought of Mordecai and his brother, of that time we’d caught Mordecai unaware. He’d been drunk, holding onto that framed picture. This game, this terrible, cruel game left scars that spanned centuries. I thought of the cheering crowds, watching this all from the safety of their homes.

  You will not break me. Fuck you all. You will not break me.

  As we waited for the timer to hit six hours, I thought back to that odd boss prize I received after killing the gerbil. I would’ve thought that defeating the boss in such a manner would’ve garnered me a better prize. The dungeon AI wasn’t my friend. It wasn’t on my side. I knew that. But surely I should’ve gained something good.

  I pulled up my inventory menu. I now had a new tab labeled History. I clicked on it, and it was filled with pretty much the same junk I had now, but with the chopper and a few extra potions and scrolls and bits of things I’d used to build other items. Curious, I clicked to sort it by value.

  I practically choked. Listed at the very top of my menu were three items I’d never seen before. I clicked over to make sure I didn’t have them now. I didn’t.

  What the actual hell?

  I looked about, afraid to say anything out loud. Was this some sort of bug? I went back to the menu and examined the three items. The tooltips didn’t go into the same detail they would if I still had the items on me, though I could see their names and what category my inventory had placed them in.

  Trans Tunnel 7C Orator Relay by Valtay Corp. – Inter-Tunnel Communications Device.

  Valtay Perso-Shield Platinum Edition. – Tech-based Personal Shield.

  Mag 3040 Valtay Corp Pulse Pistol. – Tech-based Weapon.

  The first item had a red exclamation point next to it. I hovered over the red mark, and a warning popped up.

  Warning: The System AI governing this program has deemed all non-sanctioned and monitored communication devices illegal, and they will not work within the dungeon. You may own and sell illegal devices, but any attempt to use or circumvent dungeon rules will result in immediate disqualification.

  I was completely at a loss.

  “Somebody’s coming,” Donut said. “There’s a blue dot moving toward us.”

  My first thought was Frank and Maggie. I jumped to my feet and pulled up the map. It wasn’t them. The moment I saw who it was, though, I realized I knew exactly where those items in my inventory had come from. The realization hit me like a brick. Well, that’s a weird coincidence.

  “Agatha,” I said. “Holy shit, she’s still alive.”

  I had taken her entire shopping cart into my inventory during that boss battle with the Ball of Swine. So much had happened so quickly during that battle, I’d never actually examined the individual items of her cart. I’d never even thought to do it. I looked now, and sure enough all of it was there. The shopping cart. An inordinate amount of IKEA bags and cans of spray paint. Blankets. Clothes. And a goddamned “Pulse pistol.” All three of the items appeared to be manufactured by the same company. The Valtay Corporation.

  My mind raced. I thought of what Brandon had said. Agatha had been the one to set their old folk’s home on fire, bringing everyone outside. The act had, temporarily, saved the lives of hundreds of people. But did she work for Borant? Had someone just given her that stuff, and she didn’t know what it was? And why the hell hadn’t she shown up on the recap episode? Should I say something?

  “You ain’t dead,” Agatha said a few minutes later as she wheeled the squeaking shopping cart into the room. The woman was still level four, the same she’d been since the boss battle with the tusklings.

  “Where have you been?” I asked, moving toward her.

  “Don’t touch me!” she cried, shuffling faster toward the stairs. “You’re a cart thief. I don’t trust cart thieves.”

  “Hey, I gave it back,” I said.

  She didn’t answer. She just pushed her cart toward the stairs.

  I was tempted to grab her cart again, but only for a second. Whatever this was, it was something well beyond my current ability to understand or process. And getting involved with it probably wasn’t good for my health, especially when I didn’t know what the hell was going on. Never trust someone if their motivations aren’t clear. Odette had said that to me. Still, I was overwhelmed with curiosity.

  I thought of that saying. Curiosity killed the cat.

  Mongo screamed at Agatha, but Donut whispered a quiet command and the little monster held back. Agatha gave the dinosaur no heed. The stairs had already turned into a ramp thanks to the earlier descent by Brandon and crew.

  “I see the others made it down,” Agatha muttered as she pushed the cart forward.

  “You should wait ten minutes,” I called. “If you go down now, you’ll lose six hours. Plus I need to talk to you… About your shopping cart.” I added that last part without thinking, and I immediately regretted it. Don’t get involved, you idiot!

  Agatha paused. She gave me a sharp look. Through her rheumy eyes, I saw a warning there. No, those eyes said, stop now.

  “I can fix the wheel,” I quickly added. “It’s squeaking. They can hear you coming.”

  She blinked, and the look went away so quickly I wondered if I had imagined it.

  “No need to fix m’squeak, boy. Them critters already know I’m here. They just don’t know what to do about it. You worry about you, and I worry about me.”

  She continued down the stairs, quickly disappearing from view.

  Zev: Are you guys okay?

  DONUT: WE ARE FINE ARE YOU OKAY?

  Zev: Okay, false alarm. I see you now. There was a brief outage there in the feed. It happens sometimes. Odette says she’s ready whenever you are, so feel free to go down starting in seven minutes. I won’t be able to talk to you until after you’re done with the race and class selection. I guess I’ll see you guys on the other side. Good luck.

  Carl: How long was the feed out?

  Zev: Just a couple minutes. It’s been acting funky all day. Don’t worry, it’s nothing unusual. People are always complaining about it. I’m on planet, and I still have feed issues.

  Them critters already know I’m here. They just don’t know what to do about it.

  Christ, I thought. What sort of bullshit was this? I thought back to the inventory potion. The moment I’d discovered the items, Agatha had appeared. Was that a coincidence? Was she working with the system AI? I shook my head.

  A week and a half ago, I’d been planning on kidnapping a prize-winning cat and then selling everything I owned in order to bribe my ex-girlfriend to keep her from suing me. And even that was more drama than I’d ever wanted to deal with. All of this… with the Skull Empire and everything else, it was just too much, too fast. How could we focus on surviving when we had all this other stuff to deal with?

  I sighed. I watched the timer finally run down to six hours.

  “Come on, Donut,” I said. “Let’s see what this third floor is all about.”

  “Do you think it’ll be as exciting as the second floor?” she asked.

  “God, I hope not,” I said.

  Mongo screeched.

  Epilogue

>   “You do realize that thing is going to get you killed, right?” Odette asked after the conclusion of her show. Donut was currently chasing Mongo around the studio. The little dinosaur kept running head-first into the invisible wall and screaming. Lexis, Odette’s production assistant, had given the small monster a bow tie to wear on the show, and he’d practically bitten off her finger. The tie had lasted about three seconds before he’d ripped it off.

  The taping had gone well. We’d started off by discussing the whole thing with the rage elemental. Then we talked about Mongo. Donut had trained him to perch quietly on her back, clinging onto her fur. He’d behaved himself. Mostly. Odette had mentioned something about a magical pet carrier, which apparently was the dungeon’s equivalent of a pokeball. They were supposedly expensive, but it would allow us to put bonded pets into inventory without harming them. I didn’t care how much they cost. If we could afford it, it was going to be one of our first purchases. No more shoving Mongo into the gerbil cage and then sticking him in the bathroom so we couldn’t hear his shrieks while we slept.

  I’d known what was coming next.

  After the segment on Mongo, I’d finally gotten to see a shortened version of the infamous Pork Boy Snick. Donut had found it hilarious. The mysterious creator of the video had been very… generous… with my proportions. I’d been half-expecting the video to feature my feet prominently. I didn’t dare say it out loud, but I had this strange notion that the system AI might’ve had something to do with the video. But if it did, the video showed nothing to indicate it. In fact, it had clearly been produced by someone more interested in the Maestro than me, as he was the obvious subject of the video.

  “So,” Odette had said after we watched the scene and the audience’s uproarious laughter eased. “You are likely unaware of this, but Death Watch Extreme Dungeon Mayhem announced earlier that it was going into hiatus while the show restructured.”

  “I’m shocked,” Donut said. “Quite shocked.”

  The audience laughed.

  “King Rust of the Skull Empire, who recently arrived in earth orbit, has been oddly quiet about the controversy. A spokesperson for the royal family has requested people stop referring to the prince as ‘Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie,’” The audience roared, “But so far, nobody seems to be complying.” Odette turned to her audience. With her bug helmet, her face was expressionless, but I could hear the grin in her voice. “I would personally like to assure King Rust that I would never call Prince Maestro ‘Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie’ or ‘Pork Boy.’ And I would like to encourage my audience to never sink to that level. Again, it’s ‘Prince Maestro’ and not,” she held her hands out.

  “Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie!” the audience shouted, followed by peals of laughter.

  “Anyway,” Odette said. “What do you think about this, Carl?”

  “Look,” I said. “I don’t know anything about the Skull Clan or Empire or whatever, or this king guy. I’m sure he has a perfectly nice family and kingdom.” The audience laughed. “I don’t want any trouble with him and his people. But his son is a dick, and I called him out on it. Nothing more, and nothing less. I didn’t mean to cause an intergalactic incident. I know nothing about the video.”

  “So, to be clear, it is a snick,” Odette asked. “A lot of people seem to believe it’s real.”

  “If I was going to turn gay, it wouldn’t be with that guy.”

  The audience screamed. Odette nodded. “But you did challenge him to single combat.”

  “Yes, I did. And that offer still stands,” I said. “I still don’t know how any of this stuff works because you guys won’t tell me anything.” More laughter. “But I hope for the chance to face him one on one.”

  “We do too, don’t we?” Odette said.

  The audience cheered. Someone shouted, “Glurp, glurp!” A minute later the whole audience was glurping.

  Odette shook her head in mock disgust.

  The show soon ended after that. Like last time, Odette ushered Lexis out of the room so we could talk for a few minutes.

  “Is it worth it,” I asked, indicating the pet. “If he lives, I mean.”

  “You should’ve picked the Tummy Acher,” Odette said. “The little round guy with the mohawk. They’re very friendly and easy to work with. Plus they’re rare, and people love them. Once they’re full grown, they are one of the best melee tanks in the game. But your Mongo is a solid choice. If you can keep him alive, he will be a vicious fighter.”

  “So,” I said. “I gave your message to Mordecai. He wasn’t too pleased with the idea of working for you.”

  She nodded sadly. “I saw. I watched you tell him. He had a few additional choice words for me after you left. He’ll come around. Tell him I understand his feelings on the matter, and I would love for the opportunity to explain myself.”

  “What happened between you two?” I asked.

  “We don’t have time to go into it,” Odette said. “But the short answer is I pushed him too hard, and he paid dearly for it. Anyway, you’re about to hit the all-important third floor.” She’d asked me on air if I knew what I was going to do, and I’d answered truthfully. I had no idea what was going to happen. Donut had lied and said she had it all planned out. “Do you really not know what you’re going to do?”

  “I don’t even know what my choices are going to be,” I said. “How can I decide?”

  She nodded. “When I decided to stay human, it lost me several viewers, but not too many. You’re in a tough position. Whatever you choose, make sure it has either a pathfinder skill or some sort of advanced mapping ability. Finding stairwells as quickly as possible will be crucial on further floors. It’s not going to be a problem on this third floor. Also,” she added. “Make sure Donut goes first. That way you can tailor your class selection on hers. I would ignore the AI’s advice for your race, but I’d take a careful look at whatever it suggests for your class.”

  “Hey,” I said. “Do you know anything about the Valtay Corporation?”

  She paused, cocking her head to the side. “Where did you hear about them?”

  I shrugged. “Just curious. I heard it somewhere.”

  She smiled, but without humor. “Be careful. If they are somehow contacting you or trying to get to you, be very cautious. They’re a corporate system government, and they’re the ones who currently have an entire fleet parked outside of the Borant system, ready to collect on the debt. They were hours away from initiating a full-scale collection action when the kua-tin stopped them in their tracks by starting the season early. They’re one of the most powerful entities in the universe. The next season is going to be run by them.”

  “Are they human?” I asked. I thought of Agatha. Was she one of these aliens? The idea seemed absurd.

  “No,” she said. “Not usually. They’re a parasitic lifeform. They do utilize human bodies, but their home world is aquatic, and they much prefer water-based hosts, such as the kua-tin or the gleeners. They’re known for their technological advancements. Their version of Dungeon Crawler World is less goblins and trolls and more android death machines and pulse rifles.

  I contemplated telling her about Agatha, but I decided against it. I decided it would be best to just stay away from the woman the best I could.

  Mongo pounced and chomped directly onto Donut’s tail. She howled and started running in circles with Mongo still attached.

  Odette shook her head. “You’re gonna want to level that thing up as soon as you can. But make sure Donut has proper control over him first. Those little nibbles and nose chomps are cute now. They won’t be so adorable when he’s full-grown.”

  “Do you know how big he gets?”

  “You honestly don’t know what he is?” Odette asked. “He’s a pretty common creature across the universe. They always seed the human worlds with those guys and the others before the humans develop. Most human kids love these things.”

  “He’s a dinosaur of some sort. I know that much.”
>
  “He’s a dinosaur all right. Mongoliensis.” Her eyes flashed, in a similar way that Mordecai’s did when he was searching through his menus. “Ahh, I see,” she said after a moment. “The issue is the translation. ‘Mongoliensis’ is based off the scientific name. Your language had a more common name for those things.”

  The little chicken jumped up on Donut’s back and squawked.

  “You called them velociraptors.”

  I returned my gaze to the little monster. I’d been thrown off by the pink feathers and the beak. But now that she said it, I could see the monstrosity Mongo would soon become.

  “I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”

  “Oh hell,” I finally said.

  She laughed.

  Donut came up to us, breathless. “Carl, is it time to go yet?”

  “There’s one last piece of advice I’d like to give,” Odette said, looking at the both of us. She paused, as if uncertain about what she was about to say. She’d changed on a dime, suddenly looking different, almost sad. “It’s just a suggestion. I don’t know if, morally, this is a good idea or not, but this will greatly increase your chances of survival. It’s something to look for during class selection. It’s generally only offered to crawlers with a high charisma, so if it’s available, it’ll be hidden somewhere amongst Donut’s choices. The problem is, if you pick it, it’s going to make someone very angry.”

  It’s Over, Yo

  New Achievement! You read a book!

  You managed to make it all the way through the first Dungeon Crawler Carl book without throwing it against the wall!

  Reward: You get to wait until January of 2021 before you can read the next one.

  The good news is the next book has clowns and dead hookers in it.

  Carl’s Doomsday Scenario will be available in January of 2021. Don’t worry. It’s already written and ready to go. Cheryl is editing it right now. Thank you for reading. Seriously. Please, please leave a review. We live and die by our reviews, and it’s super important. So if you read this and enjoyed it, please review it. It’s against Amazon’s rules to offer a prize to those who review books, but I will risk Amazon’s wrath and offer my services to be the father of your babies if you post a review. See you in ’21.