"So, wait," I suggested.
"I'm not religious," he reminded me. "And I deserve to have some fun."
"Just don't..."
"Don't what?"
I picked my words carefully before saying, "Don't break her heart, Natan. She doesn't deserve that."
"No, she doesn't," he agreed. "You're right. I'll be careful. Although I think you see her... as someone else."
"What do you mean?"
"She's not the girl you remember, Milo," he shrugged. "I know you used to hang out when you were kids, but..."
"But what?"
"She just isn't that girl anymore. Trust me. I know her better than anyone."
"Do you?" I raised a questioning eyebrow. "You sure about that?"
"Yeah. And I'm telling you now..." He leaned in closer. "Estella Hawthorne isn't a nice person."
"Great thing to say about her, given that you're dating her."
"Just trying to spare your feelings," he shrugged. "I gotta get to P.E. See you at home?"
"Sure," I muttered, nodding at him as he left for the gym. I walked to my next class, my head swimming with a multitude of thoughts, but among them all, one stood out, reminding me that Natan may have been right about some things, but not everything.
Because he doesn't know Estella Hawthorne like I do.
6
Date: September 3rd, 2019, 4 p.m.
Place: Wildwood Academy & Wildwood Shopping Mall
Estella
"Over here, darling!"
I walked over to the Range Rover parked in front of the school. Mom was smiling timidly at me from behind a pair of Gucci sunglasses.
"Come on," she urged me. "Let's get going."
I got into the car, putting my bag in the backseat and strapping in while mama pulled out of the parking lot. She was beaming, her favorite Spanish singer was on the radio, and the sun was shining brightly above us.
"I didn't get into Eastvale," I muttered.
She bit her bottom lip, shooting me a worried look from beneath her sunglasses. "Have you told your father yet?"
I shook my head. "Please don't tell him yet. I'll try to find another way to get in."
She nodded, but she didn't need to say what she was thinking - we both knew what it was.
I'd made a deal with papa the previous year. Get into Eastvale - the college of my dreams - or let him decide my future for me. And I knew what that meant. I'd be married off by twenty, the trophy wife of some older businessman who fucked his secretary behind my back, stuck with a family I didn't want and a future I'd been trying to escape my entire life.
We got out on Baker Road, the part of town where all the expensive boutiques were located. Mama was the only one who knew about my dressing habits, and so far, she’d kept it a secret from papa. As we arrived at the door of a well-known, crazy expensive boutique, the security guard recognized us and opened the door.
I watched his eyes follow mama as she walked into the store. She was still a stunning woman, with the kind of tragic beauty that made men stop in their tracks. After all, my father still told stories of wanting to be with her since the moment he met her.
“What do you think about this?” mama asked, pulling a tan-colored studded leather bag from the shelf. “It’s very you.”
“Yeah,” I replied, distracted. “Cute.”
We went through the whole store, but I wasn’t feeling it. By the end, mama had her hands full, with two sales assistants carrying the merchandise she’d picked to the cash desk, but I still had nothing.
“Do you want me to pick some things out for you?” mama offered, and I shrugged.
“I don’t really have anywhere to go.”
“No occasions coming up?”
“Well…” I toyed with the hem of my school blazer. “I am going on a double date with Natan.”
“Oh, how exciting!” Mama clapped her hands together. “Who else is going?”
“Harlem.” I made a face. “And Natan’s brother, Milo.”
“How is he? Oh, I haven’t seen him in so long, mija. It’s such a shame you stopped being friends with him. You know, I always thought that…”
“What?”
She laughed shyly, adding, “I thought you two would end up together.”
“Me and Milo?” I made a face. “Like that’s about to happen.”
“Never say never.” She walked over to a rack of pristine white dresses, going through the hangers until she found my size. “This would be perfect for your double date. I think even your father couldn’t object to it.”
She laid the dress out for me, and I eyed it skeptically. But she was right. The dress was knee-length, with short sleeves and laser-cut flowers on the skirt. It was pretty, but the fitted bodice gave it some sexiness as well.
“You sure papa would approve?” I asked, and she winked at me.
“We’ll convince him. Come on, we need to find some matching shoes.”
We hit up store after store, and the security guard from the first boutique ended up carrying our bags to the car. By the end of our trip, my mood had improved, and I found myself laughing more, letting myself relax at least a little bit.
We’d found silver strappy sandals to go with my dress, along with a rattan bag I loved on first sight. The security guard was stacking the backseat when another car pulled up, an all-too familiar Mercedes Benz.
“Darling!” Mama called out as the door opened and my father emerged, wearing a pristine gray suit and dark sunglasses. “We were just about to have some lunch together. How nice that you decided to drop by.”
Papa approached her, and from the moment he came to a stop in front of us, I knew this wasn’t going to be good news. He eyed the security guard, pushing his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose and managing to scare him so much the guy scampered, getting lost and leaving the last bag stranded on the pavement. Now, papa picked it up and put it in the car.
“We’re going home,” he told us in his deep, booming voice. “Get in the car. I’ll drive behind you. We’ll talk about this when we get back.”
Mama managed a wordless nod, and I climbed into the passenger seat with my heart pounding loudly. Neither of us said a word as mama pulled out of the parking lot and started driving toward our house. A look in the rearview mirror revealed papa was following us just like he said he would. The ride was quiet and suffocating, and by the time we arrived, I felt like a wreck.
“Leave the bags in the car,” papa told us the moment we opened our doors. “I’ll have Mabel fetch them later. Get inside. Now.”
Neither of us objected, letting him usher us inside the house. The front door closed behind us with a resounding crack, and I felt my heart drop. He’s going to make us pay for whatever he thinks we did wrong now. And it’s not going to be pretty.
“What were you shopping for?” he asked, his voice still level and calm, but I knew papa well enough to see the edges fraying. “Bought anything nice?”
“I got a dress for later,” I managed. “I’m going to Clancy’s to study with some friends.”
Papa didn’t know about Natan and me, though I was determined to spill the beans in the nearby future. But admitting it now would be like a suicide mission.
“Who are you going with?” He narrowed his eyes with me.
“Natan and Milo Earnshaw, and Harlem,” I told him, never taking my gaze off his. I’d learned long ago this was the trick to convince him I wasn’t lying. That, and giving him pieces of the truth, but not every bit of it. What papa didn’t know couldn’t hurt him.
“Okay,” he finally said, and a weight fell off my shoulders. “I will check on the dress you bought later. What about you, Carla?”
“I…” Mama struggled with her words. “I just picked up some new clothes.”
“Spending my money again?”
“No,” she managed. “It’s my own money.”
“What’s mine is yours,” papa reminded her patiently, and I swallowed thickly at the sound of approaching
danger. I just wanted to get away, but I wasn’t a scaredy-cat like mama. Out of the three women in our family, I was the one – besides my sister, Romilly – willing to stand up to papa. If mama were alone with him, he would run her over like a bulldozer.
“Mama bought some nice things,” I got in. “I think you’ll like them very much, papa. She has a lovely church outfit in there as well.”
“How nice.” From his tone, it was plainly obvious he thought it was anything but nice. “And what about the man helping the two of you? The security guard.”
“He just offered to help,” mama said quickly. “With our bags, I mean.”
“I saw the way he was looking at you,” papa said, his voice calm as he laid his keys down on the console table in the hall. “Eating you up with his eyes. Mentally undressing you.”
“I don’t think that-”
“Don’t tell me what I saw or didn’t see,” he interrupted her. “I think I’m smart enough to come to my own conclusions. Or do you not think so, Carla?”
“Mama was just…” I cut in. “Trying to get home as soon as possible, papa. She mentioned the charity gala you’re going to tonight.”
“How nice of her to remember,” papa said calmly, his eyes on her.
I noticed a moment later I was shivering. The fear was eating me up alive, and more than ever, I wished Romilly, my sister, would come home from whatever she was doing now. Since the beginning, she’d been the only one who managed to stand up to papa and do whatever the hell she wanted. But mama and I were still stuck in purgatory, trying to please him at any cost.
“Estella, why don’t you go to your room,” papa suggested. “Your mother and I have a few things to talk about.”
“I…” I glanced between the two of them nervously. I had a feeling the conversation they were about to have had more to do with the security guard than the dinner they were both supposed to attend that night. Before I could finish my sentence though, papa glared at me and it became painfully clear this wasn’t my battle. “Okay, I’ll go.”
I shot an apologetic look at mama before heading up the stairs. I heard their soft voices as they argued, and felt guilt making a pit in my stomach as I shut my bedroom door. I really, really hope he doesn’t hurt her. I shook my head to get the thought out. I couldn’t let myself think that way. To my knowledge, he’d never hit her, but I worried he was playing sick, twisted games with mama just like he was with me.
Once in my room, I put my bag down and pulled my old backup phone out. No new messages. My popularity was dwindling, and the thought scared me. I felt safest when people feared me. It was probably the one thing I inherited from my father. Now, the feeling of being secure was slipping through my fingers, and I was terrified.
A moment later, one of our maids, Mabel, knocked on the door and brought in the bags mama and I left in the car. She was wearing an unreadable expression, and I knew even if I questioned her about what was happening downstairs, she wouldn’t tell me. She was one of papa’s hires, one of the people who worshipped the very ground he walked on. I’d met my fair share of them in my life, given that papa was semi-famous. But I never understood the near-blinding adoration they had for him.
I pulled out the dress mama had picked for me from layers of pale pink tissue paper. It really was pretty, but it only made me more nervous about the date I was supposed to go on.
I don’t want to see Milo with another girl.
I shook my head to get the thought out. Where the hell did that come from? Since when do I care about what Milo does? My lips formed a line as I stripped my school uniform and replaced it with the pristine white dress. I put on the strappy sandals and sat down in front of my vanity to do my makeup.
I didn’t like looking at myself, not because I didn’t like what I saw, but because I knew papa would never approve. It was hard to please him, and sometimes I felt like God had played a sick trick on me, giving me a body papa didn’t approve of.
I applied a thin layer of pink gloss to my lips, avoiding looking at the treacherous curves of my body. My boobs started coming in when I was twelve, and had ballooned into a size 36DD, which made me more self-conscious than it did confident. My waist was narrow, but my hips were thick, giving me a body papa had called sinful before. It was as if I’d been cursed, forcing me to look this way, and try and convince papa of one very important thing he didn’t seem to understand – that I didn’t ask to look like this. That I didn’t even want it.
I added some mascara to my lashes, then left the mirror before I could change my mind. Natan always told me I looked mouthwateringly hot. His eyes devoured me, his fingers loved trailing across my skin, and I knew he was getting impatient. He wanted me. He wanted to be my first. And yet I fought against the idea, knowing I could never give him what he wanted, but being too scared to tell him the truth. You’re not the one. But who is?
I filled my bag with some necessities then headed downstairs. I tiptoed on the stairs, too scared of papa’s potential reaction when he saw me. But he was nowhere to be seen. Instead, I bumped into stone-faced Mabel once again in the hall, and her expression didn’t reveal anything.
“Have you seen my mama?” I asked her, and she gave a non-committal shrug. “Please, Mabel. Just tell me she’s okay.”
“Of course Mrs. Hawthorne is fine,” she said robotically. “Your parents left for their dinner.”
“Okay,” I managed uncomfortably. “I thought papa was going to check on me.”
She looked away, not quite meeting my eyes. “He was busy with your mother.”
I didn’t ask what it meant. “I’m going out too.”
She stepped in front of me, furrowing her brows. “Do your parents know you’re leaving?”
“Yeah.” I glared at her. Not that it’s any of your business.
“Are you lying to me?” she asked.
“Ugh, no,” I rolled my eyes. “Call them if you want, but I’m leaving now, or I’m going to be late.” I felt more and more like a trapped bird in a golden cage. I couldn’t even stretch my wings. The bars were too close. “I’ll see you later, Mabel. And for God’s sake, relax a little.”
“Don’t take the lord’s name in vain,” she called out after me, and I groaned as I got in my car.
If only you knew, Mabel.
7
Date: September 3rd, 2019, 7.30 p.m.
Place: Clancy’s diner
Milo
I knew this double date was a bad idea before I even got to Clancy’s.
But by the time I pulled into the parking lot and saw the three of them sitting in a booth inside, my stomach was in knots, and it was too late to back out. Natan saw me right away, waving at me from behind the window and urging me to come inside. I forced myself to take a deep breath and walk inside the diner.
“Hey,” I muttered as I neared their booth.
“You’re late,” Estella hissed, making me switch my attention to her. She was wearing a prim-and-proper white dress, but that didn’t take away from how good she looked. My mouth set in a thin line as I responded.
“Sorry, some of us have actual after-school activities to attend.”
“So does Natan, and he was here on time,” Estella retorted.
“Skipped lacrosse practice again?” I asked my brother as I slid into the booth next to Harlem. “What was it this time? Another fake dentist appointment?”
“You know me so well,” Natan said, clutching his heart. “It’s so sweet.”
“It’s a good thing your teeth look so perfect,” I muttered. “Otherwise you might get caught on that lie. Maybe change it up occasionally, or something.”
He shrugged just as the waitress dropped the menus on our desk, popping some gum and looking bored as hell.
“I’ll have a vanilla milkshake,” I told her my usual without even glancing at the menu.
The rest of the gang ordered, and the bored-looking waitress left, but not before rolling her eyes at us.
“What’s her problem?” H
arlem asked.
“She’s probably from Silverside,” Natan winked, and they laughed out loud. Silverside was Wildwood’s rival school, and they were the eternal sore spot for anyone who went to Wildwood. The rivalry between us just never ended.
“So, darlings,” Harlem purred while Estella shot her dirty looks from across the table. “How’s your senior year going so far?”
“Pretty great,” I responded with a growl, despite feeling anything but great.
“And what about you, Natan?”
“Awesome,” my brother grinned. “What else would you expect? I’m playing lacrosse, I have the world’s hottest girlfriend. Life is fucking good.” He squeezed Estella, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She didn’t reciprocate, just stared ahead of her with a troubled expression on her face.
“Well, my year is looking amazing, too,” Harlem said with a wide grin. “I think I might get prom queen this year.” Estella scoffed, and my date gave her a dirty look. “What’s that for?”
“You really think you’re gonna get prom queen?” Estella raised her brows in pity. “Oh, you poor, naïve little girl.”
“You think you might beat me?” Harlem asked in a syrupy-sweet voice. “Oh, Estella. You’re living in denial.”
“Denial?”
“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, you aren’t really queen bee anymore.” Harlem was talking slowly, as if she were speaking to a kid that didn’t understand very well. “Oh, the mighty have fallen. And I think you might fall even more if you don’t watch it.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Estella was glaring, but Harlem paid her no mind, laughing easily and making way on the table once the waitress approached with our drinks.
“We’ll see.”
“Ladies, ladies.” Natan raised his hands, trying to placate them. “We’re here to have fun, not to bicker like old people after fifty-seven years in a marriage.”
Boys That Read: A High School Romance Page 5