The Lunatic Cafe

by Laurell K. Hamilton

The Halloween smile faded, leaving him frowning in the light.

  "What's the matter, Aikensen? Didn't want to get your delicate toes wet?"

  He pushed away from the tree. The movement was too abrupt. He slid down the bank, arms windmilling, trying to slow his fall. He fell to his butt and kept scooting. He was coming straight for me.

  I took a step to one side and the bank crumbled underfoot. I gave a hop and ended up on the nearest stone in the river. I huddled on it, nearly on all fours to keep from falling into the water. The stone was wet, slick, and bone-deep cold.

  Aikensen landed in the river with a yell. He sat on his butt, freezing water swirling to nearly the middle of his chest. He beat at the water with his gloved hands, as if punishing it. All he was doing was getting wetter.

  The skin didn't slide off the rock and cover him. Nothing grabbed him. I couldn't feel any magic on the air. Nothing but the cold and the sound of water.

  "Guess nothing's going to eat him," MacAdam said.

  "Guess not," I said. I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

  "God's sake, Aikensen, get out of the water," Titus's voice boomed from the top of the hill. The sheriff, along with most of the other policemen, were at the top of the bank, along the gravel road that led back to the place. Two ambulances were sitting up there, too. Since Gaia's law went into effect three years ago, an ambulance had to be on the scene if there was any chance the remains were humanoid. There were ambulances being called to take away coyote carcasses, as if they were dead werewolves. The law had gone into effect, but no extra money had been put into the emergency systems across the country. Washington did like to complicate things.

  We were in the backyard of someone's summer house. Some of the houses had landings or even small boathouses, if they had deep enough water at the base of their land. The only boat you were taking off through this rocky channel was a canoe, so no landing, no boathouse, just the cold black water and a very wet deputy.

  "Aikensen, get your butt up on one of those rocks. Help Ms. Blake out, since you're already wet."

  "I don't need his help," I called back to Titus.

  "Well, now, Ms. Blake, this is our county. Wouldn't want you getting eaten by some beastie while we stayed nice and safe on shore."

  Aikensen stood, nearly falling again when his boots slid on the sandy bottom. He turned to glare at me as if it were all my fault, but he scrambled up on the rock on the side opposite the skin. He'd lost his flashlight. He was dripping wet in the dark, except for his Smokey Bear hat which he'd managed to keep above water. He looked as sullen as a wet hen.

  "Notice you're not offering to climb out on this particular limb," I said.

  Titus started down the bank. He seemed to be a lot better at it than I had been. I'd staggered like a drunk from tree to tree. Titus kept his hands out ready to catch himself, but he pretty much walked down. He stopped beside Dolph.

  "Delegation, Ms. Blake. What made the country great."

  "What do you think of that, Aikensen?" I said more softly.

  He glared at me. "He's the boss." He didn't sound like he was happy with it, but he believed it.

  "Get on with it, Anita," Dolph said.

  Translation, stop yanking everybody's chain. Everybody wanted out of the cold. Couldn't blame them. Me, too.

  I stood ever so carefully on the slick rock. My flashlight reflected off the choppy water like a black mirror, opaque and solid.

  I shone the flashlight on the first stone. It was pale and shining with water, and probably ice. I stepped onto it carefully. The next stone, still okay. Who knew Nike Airs were good for icy rocks?

  MacAdam's warning about hypothermia ran through my head. Just what I'd need, to be hospitalized from exposure. Didn't I have enough problems without having to fight the elements?

  There was a gap between the next two stones. It was a tempting distance. Almost stepping distance but just an inch out of comfort range. The stone I was on was flat, low to the water, but solid underfoot. The next one was sort of curved on one side with a point.

  "Afraid you're going to get your feet wet?" Aikensen flashed a smile that was more a baring of white teeth in the dark.

  "Jealous that you're wet and I'm not?"

  "I could get you wet," he said.

  "Only in my nightmares," I said. I had to leap for it and hope some miracle of balance kept me safe. I glanced back at the bank. I thought about asking the divers if they had an extra dry suit for me, but it seemed cowardly with Aikensen shivering on the rocks. Besides, I could probably make the jump. Probably.

  I backed to the edge of the rock I was standing on, and jumped. There was a second of being airborne, then my foot hit the rock. My foot slid off to one side. I collapsed onto the rock hugging it with both hands and one leg. The other leg ended up thigh deep in ice cold water. The shock of it left me cursing.

  I struggled back up on the rock, water streaming from the jean's pants leg. My foot hadn't touched bottom. The water on either side of the rocks would come up to my waist, if Aikensen's little wading show was a good indication. I'd found a sinkhole deep enough to have doused every inch of me. Lucky it was just my leg.

  Aikensen was laughing at me. If it had been anyone else, we might have laughed together at how ridiculous all this was, but it was him, and he laughed at me.

  "At least I didn't drop my flashlight," I said. It sounded childish even to me, but he stopped laughing. Sometimes childish will get you what you want.

  I was beside the skin now. Up close, it was even more impressive. I'd known it was reptilian from the bank. Standing next to it, I could see it was definitely a snake. The largest scales were the size of my palm. The empty eye sockets were the size of golf balls. I reached out to touch it. Something swirled against my arm as I reached for it. I screamed before I realized it was the undulating snakeskin spreading out in the water. When I could breathe again, I touched the skin. I expected it to be light, a sloughed skin. It was heavy, meaty.

  I turned the edge of it to the light. It wasn't a sloughed skin. The snake had been skinned. Whether it had been alive when the skinning started was a moot point. It was dead now. Very few creatures can survive being skinned alive.

  There was something about the scales and shape of the head that reminded me of a cobra, but the scales, even in the light of a flashlight, gleamed with opalescence. The snake wasn't any one color. It was like a rainbow or an oil slick. The color changed depending on the angle of the light.

  "You going to play with it, or can the divers come and get it?" Aikensen asked.

  I ignored him for the moment. There was something on the snake's forehead, almost between the eyes. Something smooth and round and white. I ran my fingers over it. It was a pearl. A pearl the size of a golf ball. What the hell was a giant pearl doing embedded in the head of a snake? And why hadn't whoever skinned the creature taken the pearl with him?

  Aikensen leaned forward running a hand over the skin. "Yuck. What the hell is it?"

  "Giant snake," I said.

  He jerked back with a yell. He started scraping at his arms as if he could wipe off the feel of it.

  "Afraid of snakes, Aikensen?"

  He glared at me. "No."

  It was a lie, and we both knew it.

  "The two of you enjoy being out on those rocks?" Titus asked. "Get a move on."

  "You see anything significant about the placement of the skin, Anita?" Dolph asked.

  "Not really. The thing might have just gotten hooked on the rocks. I don't think it was purposefully placed here."

  "We can move it then?"

  I nodded. "Yeah, the divers can come in. Aikensen's already tested the water for predators."

  Aikensen looked at me. "What the hell does that mean?"

  "It means there might have been creepy-crawlies in the water, but nothing tried to eat you, so it's safe."

  "You used me for bait."

  "You fell in."

  "Ms. Blake say we can move the thing?" Ti
tus asked.

  "Yes," Dolph said.

  "Go to it, boys."

  The divers all looked at each other. "Can we have the spotlight now?" MacAdam asked.

  "Sure," I said.

  The light smashed into me. I put a hand up to shield my eyes and nearly slipped off the rock. Jesus it was bright. The water was still opaque, black, and choppy, but the rocks glistened and Aikensen and I were suddenly center stage. The bright light washed all the color from the snakeskin.

  MacAdam slipped his face mask on, regulator secure in his mouth. Only one other diver followed his lead. Guess they didn't need four to go in after the skin.

  "Why're they putting on tanks just to wade out here?" Aikensen asked.

  "Insurance in case the current gets them, or they find a sinkhole."

  "Current's not that bad."

  "Bad enough that if it catches the skin, the skin's gone. With tanks you can follow something in the water all the way down, wherever it goes."

  "You sound like you've done it."

  "I'm certified."

  "Well, aren't you multitalented," he said.

  The divers were almost out to us. Their tanks looked like the backs of whales sticking out of the water. MacAdam raised his face mask out of the water, and put a gloved hand on the rocks. He took the regulator out of his mouth, hugging the rock and paddling with his legs to keep free of the current. The other diver moved over by Aikensen.

  "There a problem if we tear the skin?" MacAdam asked.

  "I'll unhook it from this side of the rock."

  "You'll get your arm wet."

  "I'll live, right?"

  I couldn't see his face well enough under all the equipment, but I'd bet he was frowning at me.

  "Yeah, you'll live."

  I moved my hand down the front of the skin until I hit water. The cold made me hesitate, but only for a heartbeat. I reached down, soaking myself to the shoulder to untangle it. My hand touched something slick and solid that wasn't skin. I gave a small yip and jerked back, nearly falling. I got my balance and went for my gun.

  I had time to say, "Something's down there." It surfaced.

  A round face, with a screaming lipless mouth, shot upward, hands reaching for MacAdam. I had a glimpse of dark eyes before it fell back into the water.

  The divers got the hell out of there, swimming with strong sure strokes for shore.

  Aikensen had stumbled back, falling into the water. He came up sputtering, gun in hand.

  "Don't shoot it," I said. The thing surfaced again. I slid in beside it. It shrieked, its human-shaped hand groping for me. It grabbed a handful of jacket and pulled itself to me. My gun was in my hand, but I didn't shoot.

  Aikensen was aiming at it. Shouts from the shore. The other cops coming, but there was no time. There was just Aikensen and me in the river.

  The creature clung to me, not screaming now, just clinging as if I were the last thing in the world. It buried its earless face into my chest. I pointed my gun at Aikensen's chest.

  That seemed to get his attention. He blinked, focusing on me. "What the hell are you doing?"

  "Point it somewhere else, Aikensen."

  "I'm tired of looking down the barrel of your gun, bitch."

  "Ditto," I said.

  Voices shouting, movement on the bank, people coming, almost there. Only seconds left until someone came. Someone saved us. Seconds too late.

  A shot exploded next to Aikensen. Close enough to spray him with water. He jumped, and his gun fired. The creature went wild, but I was already moving, diving for the rocks. It clung to me as if attached. We floated by the big rock, swirling in snake skin, but I managed to point the Browning at Aikensen. The sound of his Magnum vibrated in the air, echoing down my bones. If Aikensen had turned towards us, I'd have fired.

  "Goddamn it, Aikensen, put that damn gun away!" The splashing was heavy, and it was probably Titus wading into the water, but I couldn't look away from Aikensen.

  Aikensen was looking away from me towards the splashing. Dolph got there first. He loomed over Aikensen like the vengeance of God.

  Aikensen's gun started to swing towards him, as if he sensed his danger.

  "You point that gun at me and I will feed it to you," Dolph said. His voice was low and reverberated even through the ringing in my ears.

  "If he points it at you," I said, "I'll shoot him."

  "Nobody's shooting him but me." Titus waded up. He was shorter than everyone but me, so he was struggling in the water. He grabbed Aikensen by the belt and pulled him off his feet, tearing the gun from his hand as he fell into the water.

  Aikensen surfaced choking and mad. "What the hell did you do that for?"

  "Ask Ms. Blake why I did it. Ask her, ask her!" He was short and wet, and still managed to browbeat Aikensen.

  "Why?" Aikensen said.

  I'd lowered the Browning, but hadn't put it away. "Trouble with carrying a big gun, Aikensen, is that it goes through a hell of a lot of flesh."

  "What?"

  Titus pushed him, making him stumble. Aikensen struggled to stay on his feet. "If you'd pulled that trigger, boy, with the creature pressed right up against her, you'd have killed her, too."

  "I thought she was just protecting it. She said not to shoot it. Look at it!"

  Everyone turned to me then. I used the rocks to leverage to my feet. The creature was dead weight, as if he'd passed out with his hands locked in my jacket. I had more trouble putting the gun away than I had getting it out. Cold, adrenaline, and the man's hand stuck on my jacket, covering the holster.

  Because that's what I was holding. A man, a man who had been skinned alive, but somehow wasn't dead. Of course, it wasn't exactly a man.

  "It's a man, Aikensen," Titus said. "It's a hurt man. If you weren't so damn busy pulling your gun and shooting at things, you might see what's in front of ya."

  "It's a naga," I said.

  Titus didn't seem to hear me. Dolph asked, "What did you say?"

  "He's a naga."

  "Who is?" Titus asked.

  "The man," I said.

  "What the hell is a naga?"

  "Everybody out of the water now," a voice from shore yelled. It was a paramedic with an armload of blankets. "Come on folks, let's not have to run everybody into the hospital tonight." I wasn't sure, but I thought I heard the paramedic mutter under his breath, "Damn fools."

  "What the hell is a naga?" Titus asked again.

  "I'll explain if you can help me get him to shore. I'm freezing my ass off out here."

  "You're freezing more than your ass off," the paramedic said. "Everybody to shore, now. Move it, people."

  "Help her," Titus said. Two uniformed deputies were in the water. They splashed up. They lifted the man, but his fists had locked into my jacket. It was a death grip. I checked the pulse in his throat. It was there, faint but steady.

  The medic was folding blankets around everybody as they hit shore. His partner, a slender woman with pale hair was staring at the naga, glistening like an open wound in the spotlight.

  "What the hell happened to him?" one of the deputies asked.

  "He's been skinned," I said.

  "Jesus Christ," the deputy said.

  "Right thought, wrong religion," I said.

  "What?"

  "Nothing. Can you pry his hands loose?" They couldn't, not easily. They ended up carrying him cradled between them. I sort of stumbled to the shore with his fingers still locked in my clothes. None of us fell. A second miracle. The first was that Aikensen was still alive. Staring at the raw bluish skin of the man, maybe the miracle count was higher than just two.

  The medic with the pale hair knelt by the naga. She let out her breath in a great whoosh of air. The other medic threw blankets around me and the two deputies.

  "When you get him pried off of you, you get your butt up to the ambulances. Get out of those wet clothes, ASAP."

  I opened my mouth and he pointed a finger at me. "Clothes off and sit in a warm ambulance
, or a trip to the hospital. Your choice."

  "Aye, aye, Captain," I said.

  "And don't you forget it," he said. He moved off to spread blankets and orders to the rest of the cops.

  "What about the skin?" Titus asked. He had a blanket wrapped around him.

  "Bring it to shore," I said.

  MacAdam said, "You sure this is the only surprise out there in that sinkhole?"

  "I think this is our only naga for the night."

  He nodded and slipped back into the water with his partner. It was nice not to be argued with. Maybe it was the naked ripped body of the naga.

  The paramedics had to pry the naga's hands from my jacket a finger at a time. His fingers didn't want to uncurl. They stayed bent like the fingers of the dead after rigor had set in.

  "Do you know what he is?" the paramedic with pale hair asked.

  "A naga."

  She exchanged glances with her partner. He shook his head. "What the hell is a naga?"

  "A creature out of Hindu legend. They're mostly pictured in serpent form."

  "Great," he said. "Will he react like a reptile or a mammal?"

  "I don't know."

  The medics from the other ambulance were setting up a pulley system and directing everybody up to the warmth of the ambulances. We needed more medics.

  The paramedics spread a warm saline solution on a soft cotton sheet and wrapped the naga in it. His whole body was an open wound with all that that implied. Infection was the big threat. Could immortal beings get infections? Who knew? I knew about preternatural creatures, but first aid for the immortal? That wasn't my area.

  They bundled him in layers of blankets. I looked at the drill sergeant paramedic. "Even if he's reptilian blankets can't hurt."

  He had a point.

  "His pulse is weak but steady," the woman said. "Should we risk trying an IV or..."

  "I don't know," her partner answered. "He shouldn't be alive at all. Let's just move him. We'll keep him alive and get him to the hospital."

  The distant whoop of more ambulances sounded. Reinforcements were on the way. The medics put the naga on a long spine-board and fit it in a Stokes basket, attached to the ropes the other paramedics had set up at top of the hill.

  "You got any other information that'll help us treat him?" the paramedic asked. His eyes were very direct.

  "I don't think so."

  "Then get your butt up to an ambulance, now."

  I didn't argue. I was cold, and my clothes were beginning to freeze to my body even under the blanket.

  I ended up in a warm ambulance wearing nothing but a blanket while more paramedics and EMTs forced heated oxygen on me. Dolph and Zerbrowski ended up in the ambulance with me. Better them than Aikensen and Titus.