The Anti-Relationship Year

by Katie Wismer

  She hadn’t forgotten about the banquet tonight. She’d just been hoping her obligation to go would somehow disappear over the course of the day through sheer force of will.

  She took longer in the shower than usual, standing under the spray and staring at the wall in front of her instead of blasting music and singing along. If the hot water burned her skin, she didn’t notice it.

  Two texts and a missed call from Miller flashed on her phone as she climbed out and wrapped a towel around herself. She sat like that on the edge of her bed, goose bumps rising on her legs, water from her hair dripping down her back, for a long while.

  Whatever adrenaline or endorphins she’d been buzzing with after her run were gone, and all that was left was the familiar constricting sensation in the center of her chest. The very thought of attending the banquet tonight—of putting on a dress and a fake smile, socializing with a room full of people she didn’t care about and convincing Miller nothing was wrong—it was impossible. The very idea of it ignited a bubbling pit of panic in her stomach.

  She pulled out her phone and scrolled past Miller’s unread messages until she found her chat with Gracie.

  I need a favor.

  Gracie held the dress out at arm’s length, her eyes darting from the shimmery fabric to Jo’s face. She’d arrived less than twenty minutes after Jo sent the text, slightly out of breath and wide-eyed like an over-eager puppy. The moment Jo had expanded on exactly what favor she needed, that eager look devolved into one of sheer terror.

  “Jo…” Gracie said. “I don’t know about this.”

  “It’ll be fun,” Jo insisted.

  “Then why don’t you go? Are you and Miller…fighting or something?

  Jo sighed and sank onto the foot of her bed. She tried to think of any reasonable explanation other than the truth. But that was the thing—there was simply no other reason she’d break a promise to Miller. There was no other reason she’d let him down like this. Even if she did manage to spin some kind of story, she had a feeling Gracie would see right through it. And if Gracie actually went through with this for her, the truth was the least she deserved.

  “We slept together,” Jo admitted.

  Gracie’s eyes nearly bulged out of her head.

  Jo bent her head between her knees and ran her hands through her hair. “That’s the first time I’ve said that out loud. Shit.” She blew the air out of her cheeks and looked back up at Gracie. “I’m sorry for putting you in the middle. I just…can’t go tonight. Everything’s just a mess up here right now.” She waved her hands around her head, her chest constricting as something occurred to her. “Shit. And you like him, so this was a doubly bad idea. I’m sorry. Just forget it. I’ll figure something else out.”

  “No.” Gracie frowned down at the dress in her hands. “I’ll go.”

  “Gracie, you don’t have to—”

  “No, really. It’s okay.” She turned toward the floor-length mirror and held the dress up to her body. Not admiring, exactly. The look in her eyes was curious. Calculating. “And I don’t have a thing for Miller anymore,” she added, a corner of her lips lifting. “I’m not a masochist.”

  Before Jo could work out what that meant, Gracie slipped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Jo stared at her reflection while she waited. She looked pale, paler than usual, her hair frizzy and tangled from letting it air-dry. Dark shadows lined her eyes, and even her eyelids seemed to droop under the weight of it all.

  “Are you sure Miller is okay with this?” Gracie called through the door.

  She could lie to Gracie, Jo supposed, but she’d find out soon enough if she showed up and Miller had no idea what she was doing there. The door swung open and Gracie stepped out, walking on her tiptoes as she headed for the nude high heels set out by the mirror. Despite Gracie being several inches shorter than Jo was, the gold dress fit her well once she propped herself against the wall and slipped the shoes on.

  Gracie glanced at Jo over her shoulder, waiting for an answer to her question.

  “I texted him that I’d meet him at the banquet,” Jo admitted.

  Gracie stared at her. “So you want me to just walk up to him and say surprise?”

  It was a shitty thing to do, but there was no version where she told him ahead of time that would turn out well. If she told Miller she didn’t feel up to coming, he’d want to know why. And the more she tried to hide it from him, the more he’d push and worry, and then he’d do something stupid like skip the banquet to come check on her and make sure she was okay. And not only was the banquet mandatory for everyone in the department to be able to graduate, it was also an important networking opportunity.

  She wasn’t going to ruin that for him. Not by making him miss it, and certainly not by showing up in her current train-wreck form.

  Jo’s thoughts must have shown on her face, because Gracie’s expression softened. “Surprise it is.”

  Jo waved her hand for Gracie to perch on the bench at the end of the bed as she dug out the curling wand from her dresser. “Loose curls?” she asked.

  Gracie nodded and met her eyes in the mirror. “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually,” she said.

  “I know.” Jo sighed and licked a finger to press against the barrel and test the heat. They sat in silence as Jo got to work on her hair, curling the pieces away from her face and loosening the curls before they had a chance to cool.

  “Do you regret it?” Gracie asked after a while. “Is that why you’re avoiding him?”

  Jo paused with her fingers still sectioning off Gracie’s hair. It was a fair enough question. And maybe that was it. It was the answer to that very question that had her so unnerved, she’d been nauseous all day.

  Because the thing was, the answer should’ve been yes. Miller was her best friend. The one person she knew she could count on no matter what. And she’d impulsively crossed a line with him that had the potential to ruin everything. A line that couldn’t be uncrossed. All for one thoughtless night.

  But she didn’t regret it. Not even a little bit.

  21

  Freshman Year - January

  It took Jo nearly twenty minutes to find the fitness studio. Sure, she’d never been there before and hadn’t bothered to look it up, so she was partially to blame, but whose brilliant idea was it to put the fitness studio in the basement of a completely different building than the regular fitness center? She’d meant to get there before the class started, but that was starting to look like a fruitless endeavor. She was out of breath by the time she made it to the door, and she shot a quick glance at the clock as she slipped into the room. The class didn’t start for another five minutes, but the room was already packed. She managed to squeeze herself into a spot in the back corner behind a tall, blonde guy and quickly tossed her bag against the back wall. The music switched on and vibrated the speakers overhead.

  The people around her all started shuffling their feet and bouncing back and forth. Jo quickly mirrored their movements as she fumbled to put her hair up. She looked up to find Miller grinning at her from across the room. He adjusted the microphone hung over his ear as he shuffled his feet along to the music.

  “All right, everyone. Guards up.” He raised both fists in front of his face as the music shifted, the beat picking up. “Glad you could all make it to class. You picked a good night to be here.” His gaze found Jo again, and he winked. “It’s gonna be a hard one.”

  Jo steadied herself against the back wall as a river of sweat dripped down the bridge of her nose. Thankfully, the room around her was still loud enough with conversations and people leaving that no one could hear her still desperately sucking in air. The rest of the girls around her practically skipped from the room, seemingly unfazed by Miller’s death class. He was still at the front, propping open the door to let in some fresh air since the room was now unbearably hot and humid. He paused and held the door open for some people on their way out, smiling.

  “Jo?”

&
nbsp; Jo turned, nearly losing her balance as she did so. Her leg muscles were still shaking so badly it was like they’d forgotten how to do their job.

  Shay stood a few paces away, her hesitant smile widening when Jo met her eyes. Jo hadn’t even noticed her in the class. Shay headed over toward Jo’s corner of shame, blonde ponytail bouncing with each step, white sports bra and black leggings still in perfect shape. It looked like she hadn’t even broken a sweat. “I thought that was you,” she said.

  Jo eagerly drank from her water bottle and wiped the sweat from her forehead. “Here in my prime.”

  Shay’s expression glitched, like she wasn’t quite sure what to make of this, but then blinked a few times, and the smile returned full force. “Wasn’t Miller so good up there?”

  “He’d do well in a torture scenario, yes.”

  Shay stared at him for another moment—his back fully to them now as he talked with a tall guy lingering in the doorway—before turning back to Jo. “It’s actually lucky running into you like this,” she said. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

  Jo raised her eyebrows. “About?”

  Shay shifted her weight, her eyes darting to the side, just for a second. “About Miller, actually.”

  Jo’s entire body clenched defensively. Sure, Miller being in a relationship had been weird at first, but Jo had been trying to see whatever he saw in Shay and get along with her. If Shay thought that meant she and Jo were friends now, enough that Jo would take her side over Miller’s in whatever was going on, she was sorely mistaken. “Look, Shay, if you’re having some kind of relationship problem, I’m probably not the best—”

  “It’s not that.”

  “Okay…” Jo waited for her to go on, but she didn’t say anything else. “Then what is it?”

  “Well.” Shay chewed on her lip. “There’s no good way to say this, but I hope you can see where I’m coming from, because I’m really not trying to be that girl, but…well…” she trailed off, her eyes darting toward Miller at the front of the room again. “I know you two are…close. But you have to understand where I’m coming from as his girlfriend now. It just makes me a little uncomfortable having you around all the time, and, like, he tells you the things he should tell me, you know? And we all have these busy schedules, so when we do finally have some time together, it would be nice if it could just be…us. We just think it would be best if you could take a few steps back, that’s all.”

  Jo tightened her grip on the wall, her stomach clenching into a knot as heat rushed to her face. She schooled her features, hoping the redness lingering in her cheeks from the workout would cover whatever was happening to her body right now. Shay was right about one thing; Miller did have a busy schedule. It was the whole reason she’d come to this awful class in the first place. Besides newspaper meetings and running into each other at the dorm, she’d hardly seen Miller in weeks.

  But maybe that wasn’t an accident like she’d thought.

  She couldn’t stop her brain from getting stuck on Shay’s choice of words.

  We.

  “Well.” Jo turned to pick up her backpack from the floor so Shay couldn’t see her face. “If that’s what Miller wants, then he can tell me himself.”

  “You know he’s too nice to go through with it,” said Shay. “Look, I’m not trying to be that bitchy girlfriend, but he just feels too bad to say anything, so I told him I would.”

  Jo paused, swallowing hard, before turning back around. “You guys have talked about this?”

  Shay laid a hand on her arm, and it took everything in Jo not to pull away. “I like you, Jo. This is really nothing against you. Please tell me you can understand where I’m coming from.”

  Jo opened her mouth—to say what, she had absolutely no idea—but then Miller appeared at Shay’s side, sporting his usual lopsided grin as he threw an arm around Shay’s shoulders and pulled her against him.

  “Jo! Didn’t expect to see you here. What did you think of the class?”

  “You’re all superhuman,” she murmured, her face suddenly hot again as she watched Shay nestle into his side, still watching Jo as if to say, see? He chose me. Jo tightened her fist around her bag. “But I should probably get going. Still have a lot of homework to do.”

  Miller frowned. “You sure? We were gonna go grab a bite to eat. You should come!”

  Jo forced a smile, keeping her gaze anywhere but Shay’s face. “Maybe next time. I really need to finish this paper.”

  Miller sighed and released Shay. “I guess I should be proud you’re getting more studious.” He reached for a hug, and Jo tried to shrink away, but he wasn’t having it. He pulled her to his chest and rested his chin on the top of her head, his arms so tight around her, she could barely move.

  “I’m all sweaty,” she complained. “You’re all sweaty.”

  “Then that means I did my job right.” He released her, grinning. “All right, go on. Write the paper of your life.”

  Shay quickly hid her scowl when Miller turned to face her again, her face transforming into a radiant smile. “You ready?”

  Jo glanced around, realizing everyone else had trickled out.

  “See you around, Palmer,” said Miller. He raised his guard and lightly punched her shoulder, winked, then he and Shay turned and headed out. Jo hesitated long after she heard the door shut, listening to the buzz of the fan in the corner and staring at her reflection in the mirror. Her cheeks were still flushed and her sweaty hair was matted to the sides of her face. The room seemed larger now without anyone else in it.

  “Hey.”

  Jo jumped at a knock on the door. A girl with dark brown braids poked her head inside. “Uh, are you all done in here?” She held up a lime green yoga mat. “Our class is supposed to start, but we’re not supposed to go in until everyone from the last class is out.”

  “Oh.” Jo hurriedly collected the rest of her things and headed for the door. “Yeah, sorry.” She kept her head down as she shuffled past the other yoga attendees in the hall and slipped outside to walk back to her dorm, alone, as she’d done every night that week.

  It was a clear night, the moon on full display overhead, the air chilly against her still-sweaty skin. She’d already finished her homework in the library earlier today, so a Netflix-in-bed night it was. Considering what she’d just put her body through, that was probably all she could manage right now anyway.

  When she stepped into the suite, the common area was full of boxes and plastic bins. So much so that Jo had to flatten herself against the wall and shuffle sideways just to get inside. Rap music pulsed from behind Addie and Liv’s closed door, but the one to her room was wide open. Kayleigh was pacing back and forth inside, her hair tied up with a bright red bandana and her arms full of clothes. Jo set her bag on the floor and paused in the doorway.

  “What’s going on?”

  Kayleigh jumped and brought a hand to her chest. “Holy hell. You scared me.” She tossed her armful of clothes onto her bed, which had been stripped down to the bare mattress. “I hadn’t expected you to be back yet.”

  Jo glanced around their room, her stomach tightening at the sight of each new fully-packed box. “What’s going on?” she repeated.

  “Well.” Kayleigh sighed and propped her hands on her hips. “I’m moving out.”

  “I—what?”

  “I applied for a new room weeks ago, and one just opened up across campus, so I’m gonna start moving my things in there tonight. I’ll come back and get the rest tomorrow.”

  “Kayleigh.” Jo stepped all the way into the room, forcing Kayleigh to actually meet her eyes. “Why? What’s going on?”

  Kayleigh sighed again. “Look, let’s not make this weird, okay? It just wasn’t working out for me. I’m sorry. But I think this will be what’s best for both of us.” She hoisted a box into her arms and slipped back out into the common area. “Like I said, I’ll come back for the rest of my stuff tomorrow.”

  Jo opened her mouth again—to say wha
t, she wasn’t sure. Anything to keep Kayleigh from leaving. But she supposed there really wasn’t anything you could say if someone didn’t want to stay.

  22

  Senior Year - March

  Jo finished with the last of Gracie’s hair and did a quick coat of hairspray. She’d ordered an Uber for her a while ago, and judging by the map on her phone, the car would be here any minute.

  “There.” Jo stepped back to admire her handiwork. The blonde curls spilled gracefully over Gracie’s shoulders, the front sections twisted back and pinned to the crown of her head. They’d decided on a dainty gold chain around her neck and no earrings, since the dress spoke for itself. Its metallic finish caught the light every time Gracie moved, glittering and glowing like the light was coming from within.

  Gracie stared back at her with wide, terrified eyes.

  “Gracie.” Jo clapped her on the shoulders. “You look hot, and it’ll be fun. Miller will take good care of you, I promise. He’s the best date ever.”

  Gracie nodded a few too many times.

  Jo squeezed her shoulders and nodded toward the door. “Now go. Your car will be downstairs in, like, sixty seconds.”

  Gracie bit her lip, her hands wrapping around the tiny black clutch Jo had dug out from the back of her closet. “You’re sure you’ll be okay here?”

  “Yes. Now go.” Jo waved her off, and with one final glance in her direction, Gracie headed into the hallway and closed the door behind her.

  At first, the silence was startling. The previous hour had been so full of chatter and activity, she’d been too busy and distracted to think about anything else. But now Gracie was gone, and Jo watched through the window as she climbed into the Uber, and the car sped off down the road.

  Now it was just her. She’d probably get hell from Miller later on, but for now, she had the night to herself. She hadn’t had much downtime the past few weeks. Maybe a quiet night was exactly what she needed. She could rent a movie and have a glass of wine. Order dinner in. Hell, she could break out the face masks and paint her toenails. Cautiously, she wove her way through the maze of makeup and hair products still littering the carpet and paused in the center of the room, her gaze lingering on a discarded pair of gold hoops sitting on the dresser.