Roam (Guarding Her Book 5)

by Anna Brooks

  She nods but licks her lips. “I want you any way I can have you.”

  “And I’ll take you any way I can get you, but I want it all. Your laughter, your tears, fears, dreams, your fucking soul. And I want the singular and exclusive rights to this body.”

  “It’s already yours.” No hesitation and my hard dick gets impossibly harder.

  And then I do what I warned. I own her tight little body. I fuck her hard and rough. Then sweet and slow. I lose track of the number of time she comes, and when I finally, finally let go, she milks every last drop out of me. “I love you.” I tell her, my face in her hair, my stomach still clenching form the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had.

  “I love you, too.”

  I reluctantly leave her to get rid of the rubber. In the bathroom, I get a warm, wet cloth, and then go back to the bedroom to clean her up before pulling her into my arms where I fall asleep almost instantly.

  Then every day after that; two, three, even four times a day for almost two weeks I show her exactly what me loving her means. What it means to be possessed by me. And I can’t tell if she loves it more than me or not. Because she’s just as eager, if not more than me to make love like she needs it to survive.

  She gives as good as she gets, though, ’cause I can’t count the times I’ve woke up in the middle of the night with her lips around my dick, or remember every instance when she drops to her knees for me, begging me to fuck her face.

  Yeah, she loves it. Loves me.

  I think I can work with this. I can make her need me like I need her, can get so deep inside her that I become a part of her. Which is only fair, because she’s already consumed me. The reality is she owns me. She leads me around by not only my dick, but my soul, too. All of it, all of me is hers.

  But then she goes and destroys everything. After fourteen days of pure bliss, all of it shatters… just like that.

  Chapter 18

  Brinley

  The moment that I knew I wanted to be with Noble forever happened in the parking lot of a grocery store. It was when he was so angry that I had a hole in my shoe and the fact pissed him off so badly that the only thing to calm him down was me putting my hands on his face.

  I knew it then even though I might not have admitted it to myself until later.

  And as each and every day passes, I fall more and more. Like the rush of the carnival rides where there’s a split second of fear, but then it’s immediately interchanged with euphoria. That’s what the past couple of weeks have felt like. I’ll have a moment of panic, but then he’ll smile at me or touch me or love me, and it’s nothing but passion and pleasure.

  Not just the sex, either. All of it. Everything.

  And it’s time we talked about something because it’s long overdue. I walk out of the bathroom and into the living room, stopping at the back of the couch. He lifts his head. “Hey, little red.”

  “I’m late.”

  Noble slowly leaves the room. He’s just gone. I don’t know who the man that replaced him is, but it’s not him. “What?” he growls.

  “I’m late, and I think—”

  “How the fuck are you late?”

  “I don’t know, I—”

  He practically jumps up from his chair, and the aggression pouring off him makes Luna run away. I’ve never seen him this mad. Not when I ran away. Not when Sadie confronted us in the restaurant. Never. “What the fuck?”

  “I—”

  He doesn’t even let me speak. “You what? Jesus, Brinley. This cannot fucking happen.”

  I wait for him to stop pacing and look at me before I ask, “What can’t happen?”

  “A baby. You pregnant. It cannot. Fucking. Happen.”

  My heart shatters; it crumbles to dust, and I have to grab the back of the couch as my dream of little babies falling asleep on Noble’s chest vanish. As the sound of laughter from baby giggles fades to nothing. As the future that was so close to being in my grasp bursts like a bubble and there’s nothing for me to hold on to anymore. “You don’t want kids?”

  “I had a kid. She died. I won’t do it again. No fuckin’ way.”

  “Noble… I.” God, how do I do this? How do we have this discussion now when things are finally good between us? When there are no more secrets and no lies, and everything is happy for the first time in my life. Truly happy. The past week has been heaven. How do I ruin that?

  With the truth, I guess. “I want a family. I’ve always dreamed of having something that was mine, and I thought… I thought you were on board with that. I thought we were building a future. A future that included children.”

  “We can build a future without a baby. I thought that’s what we were doing until now. Christ.” He actually throws his book across the room, and I jump when it clashes against the window in the kitchen, surprised it didn’t break. “How can you not know I never want to go through that again, Brinley? What makes you think I would want to risk losing… I hardly believe you’re here. It fucks me up enough knowing I have something again, that I have you, and that anything could happen to you. You expect me to just be okay with you being pregnant?”

  I wait for him to gather at least a little composure. “I don’t think I’m pregnant, Noble. I think the stress of everything has made my period late. I… we used condoms, and it’s too early to tell if I’m pregnant anyway. I was… I was going to ask you if you thought I could maybe go see a doctor about getting a checkup since I haven’t had one… a, um, female one ever. And since we’re going to be having sex regularly, I… I thought maybe I could get on birth control.”

  His eyes close slowly, and his jaw clenches even tighter, and the regret in those movements makes my stomach turn. This isn’t something for us to talk out. It’s not a conversation of compromise. No. This is it. “Fuck, Rinny. I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t want kids?”

  “No.”

  “Ever?” I plead with one word, begging without saying please.

  “Never. It’s non-negotiable.”

  My throat itches, and the backs of my eyes burn. The sting shoots straight to my heart, then fizzles out in my stomach where I clutch it, protecting something that doesn’t even exist yet. He sees the instinct and quickly averts his gaze. “I want kids.”

  “Brinley.”

  “But I also want you.”

  “Darlin’.”

  “I really want you.” Instead of answering, he swallows and looks away. “How do I choose?” His head snaps up, and he takes a step toward me, but I hold my hands out and back away. No. No way. I can’t take him getting close. His strong hands on me, and his beautiful eyes boring into mine would make me cave. But I can’t. Not on this.

  He actually listens to me for once and stays put. “Dammit, I knew this would happen and—”

  “You knew?” I snap.

  “Yes, I knew just me wouldn’t be enough for you. Please don’t be angry.” He steeples his hands as if he’s praying. “Please. You have to understand. After losing Katie, I can’t go through that again.”

  “Just because you have a kid doesn’t mean they’ll die.”

  I realize how careless I sound, but he doesn’t acknowledge that. “It’s not guaranteed they’ll live either. It’s not something that’s up for debate. I told you. I’ve been telling you I know what I want. I also know what I don’t want, and I don’t want kids.”

  “You really don’t want them ever?”

  His fingers twitch against his thigh. “No. And I told you all I need or want is you. You said the same thing to me.”

  “When?”

  “On that couch.” He angles his head. “You said you couldn’t stand waking up without me and all you need was me. Only me.”

  I can’t believe he remembered every word of that. “I assumed that meant you as my family, the start of our family.”

  “I lost my family.”

  “So if we… if we stayed together.” I watch him wince when I emphasize if. “I wouldn’t be your family?”
>
  “You’d be my wife. My partner. You’d be my life. You are my life. You’re everything.”

  Why does he have to do this? Why is this so hard? “If I wanted just one, would you give that to me?”

  “No.” He doesn’t even hesitate.

  “I see.” My nose burns, and I drop my head to hide the absolute heartbreak I’m experiencing right this very second. My world, so dead and lonely and painful, was finally good. I was happy. But this isn’t something I was expecting. I wasn’t expecting for him to drop this bomb that explodes before it even hits the ground. “You want me to give you me, give you everything that I am, but you can’t give me all of you.”

  I want a baby. I want to raise something that grew inside me and show them a good life. I want to give a child a home and prove to myself that my life is worth something. I’m not good at anything else, but I know I’d be a great mother. Even if I had to lie, cheat, or steal to get it, I was going to have a baby grow in my belly someday. The times that I numbered my days were going to all blur together, and I’d never remember what a three looked like. I’d only know tens. And I love Noble, but I don’t think I could live with myself knowing that I settled for something less than the one thing I dreamed about.

  “You gave me nines, Noble. Before you found me, I was lucky if I got a five. But every day I was with you was a nine. I was looking forward to a lifetime of love and babies and tens, and I’m sorry, but if you can’t give me that, then… then I think I should just go now.”

  He doesn’t protest, doesn’t fight. Just watches me. Lets the inevitable hang in the air as the reality chokes me. His hands are on his hips, and his head is tilted slightly to the side as he waits to see what I’m going to do. But that’s all he does. He doesn’t tell me I’m wrong or that he’ll give me that. He doesn’t fight for us and tell me that we’ll figure something out. That he’ll give me the one thing that would make me smile every day for the rest of my life.

  “I’ll have Danny come pick me up.”

  When I take out my phone and text him, again, Noble doesn’t protest. When I go to the bedroom and pack my clothes, he doesn’t come in and stop me.

  Even if I tried, I couldn’t hold back the sob that wracks my body. He doesn’t come in to comfort me. There are no promises that he’ll do whatever he can to figure it out. There’s nothing from him. And that says it all.

  It’s not until I’m at the door with my hand on the knob, that he calls my name.

  I stop. He stands behind me, pressing himself against me and pushes some of my hair away with his nose. I hear the turmoil in his fucking breath. “I want you. Just you. You’re all I need. You’re everything I didn’t even know I wanted. You. Walk out that door and know it’s always open for you to come back through because this is where you belong. I didn’t know… I had no clue where I belonged before you came back. All I did was roam. I was looking for something and didn’t know what that was until I found you. You make me want to stay. You make things resolute. I’m asking you, begging you, please…” He presses his lips against my cheek, and when he pulls away, his forehead stays at my temple. “Stay.”

  When I push back to pull open the door, he steps aside. With one foot on the porch, I turn to him. “I hope you eventually find what you’re looking for, Noble.”

  Noble

  Luna jumps on the couch, and I throw the blanket off and sit up, scrubbing my hands down my face in agitation. It’s not her fault, though. It’s been a month of pure hell. Thirty days that I can barely function. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, but when I try, I have to go back to the couch because I can’t be in my bed without her in it.

  The bed is empty, the house is empty, and my soul is empty. I’m nothing without her, but since I can’t be everything she needs, I’ll continue to suffer while she moves on with her life. She’ll have a beautiful one. And she’ll find someone to make beautiful babies with.

  God… I can picture a mini Brinley, red hair and green eyes with a smile that would have the power to heal even the deepest of wounds. “Fuck.” My eye twitches at the thought of someone else touching Brinley… loving her, fucking her bareback, and spilling inside her. “Fuck!” Reaching for the first thing I can find, I lift the thick wooden table and flip it so it crashes into the TV stand. Luna runs away as the flat screen crashes down and shatters.

  But it’s not enough.

  I step into the backyard and wield my ax, swinging it into a log. It splinters and I hit it again. And again. I end up dicing the log, breaking it into pieces small enough to look like Luna’s kibble.

  My heart thunders in my chest, lava sludging through my veins as I swing one last time, settling the ax. I bend over with my hands resting on my knees, and I catch my breath, trying to slow my pulse… trying to get one thing in my life under control.

  I stand here until the sun sets. The sweat that was dripping off my forehead has dried up, and I know I need to go inside and shower before I have to leave for Gio’s fight tonight. I’ve used up enough excuses and avoided everyone to the point they’re going to start suspecting something is up, so I’ve gotta go to Gio’s fight tonight.

  I head inside to the bathroom, and when I see Luna’s tail peeking out from under my bed, I feel like shit for scaring her. “Come here, Luna.” I sit down, my back on the wall just inside my room, Brinley’s orangey-flowery scent still lingering, and it soaks into my skin. Luna crawls over to me, and I pull her into my lap, apologizing for being such a dick, not that she understands me.

  After she starts to get excited again, I go feed her and then take a shower. When I get out, I check my phone and find a text from Q that says nothing’s changed from yesterday. He’s been keeping tabs on Brinley to make sure she’s safe, and he’s been a good ass friend, keeping everything between us. He hasn’t even told Bebe.

  I hate that another man is making sure she’s okay and has eyes on her, but if I see her, I won’t be able to walk away.

  I manage to shove goddamned Pop-Tarts down my throat since I have an entire warehouse of them in my cupboards before I leave for the fight.

  On the drive there, I avoid looking at all the stores and restaurants Brinley and I went together. They all do nothing but slap me in the face at how much I fuckin’ miss her. They drive home the point that I’m destined to be alone forever.

  Making sure to arrive just before the fight starts, I slide in and lean against the wall in back of the arena and watch him annihilate his opponent.

  If I could get away with just leaving, I would, but I’ve gotta at least make it look like I give a shit. Which I do, just not right now. Right now, I want to wallow in my misery alone. I head to the parking lot and meet up with a few of the guys to shoot the shit until Gio comes out so I can congratulate him.

  “Well, look at what the motherfuckin’ cat dragged in,” Gio drawls at me as he makes his way through the parking lot.

  “Nice fight.” I clasp hands with him and slap him on the back.

  “It’s easy to fight for someone else, man.” Gio angles his head at who I already know is his woman just by the way she’s looking at him. A look I used to get from Brinley, but one that I’ll never get again. “Come here. Whitney, this is Noble, Noble, Whitney.”

  “Nice to meet you.” I offer what I hope is a smile.

  “You too.” She wraps her arms around Gio’s waist and leans into him, probably just to be close to him. Brinley used to do that. And I loved it. I loved how she felt and how perfectly we fit together. I love everything about her.

  “How’re things with Brinley?”

  I feel myself tense up but am not about to share my business with these guys. Q already knows too much. “Good. She wasn’t feeling well, so she stayed at the cabin. But I couldn’t miss tonight.” I totally lie, and that makes me feel like a dick, but I can’t even admit I lost her. There is no way I can say it out loud.

  We sit around and shoot the shit for a little while, and when I’m satisfied I did my duty as a friend and co-worker,
I leave. But I don’t go home. I go to the one person I know who at least understands how I feel, the one person who gets it.

  She’s sitting on her porch, so she saw me pull up and disappeared inside her house. By the time I get out of my truck and to the steps, she’s walking out with a glass of whiskey. “Hey.”

  Bebe shoves the tumbler at me, then goes back to her rocking chair where she’s knitting of all things. “What’d you do?”

  I drop my head as I sit sideways on the top step and then lean against the post. “Fucked up.”

  “Why am I not surprised?”

  “Because I’m a dumbass.”

  “Yeah?” She waves her hands at me. “What’d you do?”

  I toss back the alcohol and let the burn dissipate before answering. “She wants kids and I told her I don’t want them, so she left me a month ago.”

  “Oh, Noble.”

  “I can’t do it. I can’t wake up every day and wonder if it’ll be the last time I see my child alive. If the last giggle they squeak as they run down the hall will be the last time I hear their voice. I… I just can’t.” She comes and sits at my feet, resting her elbows on her knees and looking at her deserted street. “But I also can’t live without her.”

  I set the glass down and rest the back of my head on the top of my shoulders. There’s a long silence where the only sound is crickets and my indecision. But when Bebe finally opens her mouth, she has a lot to say. “You are a dumbass. And you know what?” She doesn’t give me a chance to answer. “I told Brinley you were when I met her. I don’t know what you want me to say to you, but if you need to hear the words out loud, then I’ll say them. Have a baby with the woman you love, Noble. You’re saying that you can’t live without her, but you’re doing it right now. By choice!

  “If I could have had one more day with my Eddie, I’d have cherished every second, and here you are wasting away weeks because you’re too afraid to what…?”